BURIED TREASURES

with the gift give'n season now incomplete no thanx to that the jolly

diabetic fat ass with the overly active "glandular issues" completely miss'n his mission this year cuz he was apparently arrested by some uncover cop with tinsel down around his ankles toe tapp'n at some local Barnes and Noble restroom just cuz he got his booster shot...well…you have every right to read this dandy dickbubble to death...HOWEVER...if yer still think'n of the perfect gift to give this season...fer some strange reason...to get off yer loved ones shit list why not try some literary pieces of art fer that special someone on yer shit list...

or that not so special fucktard who can barely make it thru read'n the directions on a box of jell-o before they have a nervous break down

there's been many stories that have turned into motion pictures fer the small screen...and eliminated that waste of space fer that need to read...

fer example...holiday classic's like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer...Frosty the Snowman...or this heart warm'n holiglazed classic...that will warm the hearts of millions of those unfortunate privileged fucks...to finally get their side of the story told on film...

 this is the untold story of what really goes on in the north pole...after ol' Saint Nick has spent years runn'n a sweat shop of hard work'n ungrateful elves...try'n to meet a december 24th deadline and loose'n his looks to his waistline...the misses always screen'n his mail...the last thing he wants as a reward is a plate full of dried out toll house cookies and moo juice so he foregoes the WIC programmers and opts fer those smarty britches with bank accounts who leave behind stocks and bonds...rolex watches and a low ball of cherry infused bourbon served by a lady of the nite...to drop his low balls onto

but  if yer literally look'n fer last minute literary words of wisdom without all that holiglazed cheer fer that special queer to read anytime of the year...
perhaps you might wanna choose one of these top 8 classics i found

clean'n out my closet that will hopefully someday make it to the cutt'n room floor in the near future...are you listen'n up Mr. Waters?

first up is the total inspiration fer "Witches of Eastwick"...

this camp classic tells the tale of 3 fraternity brothers Alex...John and Dickie...on the varsity cheerlead'n squad...who come together one sunday afternoon after find'n their coach with a camcorder in one hand and his "magical" broom in the other...while clean'n out the closet in their not so spacious dorm room...the tension builds to a climactic end'n that's sure to keep audiences "come'n" back fer more

starr'n Colin Farrell as age'n dorm pimp Alex Sus...Prince Harry as the hard party'n ginger John Wannembach...Cam Gigandet as sweet talk'n hustler Dickie... 

and Leslie Jordan as discretely closeted foul mouthed whip crack'n Coach "Poppa Cherry" Donovan 

if that's too much fer yer eyes...perhaps you'll enjoy...

this ol' story is about as tired and worn out as Pamela Anderson's "kittytastrophy"...it tells the tale about a non heterosexual boy move'n from a busy farm life to the big city lights in hopes of a lavish lifestyle...last'n love...and lots of money...but ends up broke...bitter from bad plastic surgery and busted...by the cops...before his golden showers birthday

starr'n Rupert Everett in his very own lifetime movie about himself...cuz no one else wanted to be bothered

one of the jewels i found...under a set of family jewels one hot summer 

the story of Izzy Bigg and Camen Sidem...2 team mates on the field...and shame mates in the showers...learn'n the hard way...they're gonna have to take alot more than just "one" fer the team...

starr'n Adam Lambert  as the bashful Izzy and Adam Levine as loud mouth Camen...lock'n lips and bang'n hips...in their 1st musical together...but definitely not their last

musical score by BOY GEORGE of course

fer those catholic castaways out there...i know you'll just simply love...

well DUH!...this tells the tale of a mid centuried manolo blanik hoarder wife tangled in a web of seduction and revenge...gett'n even was the only thing on her mind when she said "I DO"..."til death do us part" couldn't come soon enough fer her 7th husband and the town's high roll’n financier 

starr'n SATC starlette SJP as the internally scorned insecure second wife wife look'n to fill her bank account faster than she can fill her burial account...and "alledged" serial horny toad (i am NOT the court system nor will i put on my judgemental judy blouse without know'n all the facts) Chris Noth as the mysteriously delicious financier with a taste fer bubble baths and bubble bottoms

and introduce'n Meredith Baxter Birney in her most rivet'n performance since Family Ties or any of her Lifetime movies combined...as the sexually starved sales manager Bernice at Manola Blanik's outlet mall

BUTT wait…betta take a breather…we’re only half way in…

everything comes in a 3 way...so give yer cataracts a good work-out with...

the prequel to another sequel in this trilogy of tittilate'n terror and intrigue

starr'n hot to trot blued eyed colostomy bagger Matt Boomer who's passions are antiquities and ancestory.com and pipe smoke'n colostomy bag and lord of his ring Sir Ian McKellen

fer those on the DL that are desire'n a lil interracial facial...may i suggest... 

this tale continues 30 years later and answers the age ol' question...what REALLY did happen to Augustus Gloop after he was sucked up into the tube after fall'n into that river of chocolate in Willy Wonka's factory...Augustus ends up in Harlem and meets the man called Razer Blade who gives Augustus a job ride'n the rails at nite...take'n a one way ticket to brown town...night after nite...til he's walk'n like a bow-legged bull from Belize

starr'n Seth Rogen as the all too eager and will'n to go all nite long Augustus Gloop...and Morgan Freeman as the pimp tote'n bad ass Razer Blade who cuts like a knife if Augustus doesn't get the job done

then there's this hidden litteral literary gem of a complete master piece

fresh off the farm...pretty boy Paul Puckerole gets a job in the big apple as a wall street gopher boy but ends up bite'n off more than he bargained for when one night Paul gets tied up after the office christmas party as 5 floor traders decide to turn Paul into their personal pinata 

starr'n homo hottie James Franco as the outsider with the inside everyone wants to get their hands on and the original cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (cuz i wanna vomit whenever i seen their freshman replacements) as the fetish fist'n NASDAQ traders

oh wow...i almost fergot about my all-time fav-o-rit salaciously delish read

it's VERY autobiographical...

starr'n ME as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe of course...enough said

well...hope i helped ya out with some terrific read's fer the new year...

hear's hope'n you got exactly what's cumm'n to ya in 2022

now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

the ORANGE crushed!

double double toil and trouble...fire burn and caldron bubbble

fillet of a fenny snake...in the caldron boil and bake

eye of newt and toe of frog...wool of bat and tongue of dog

Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting...lizard's leg and howlet's wing

for a charm of powerful trouble...like a hell-broth boil and bubble

so about a week prior i hadda put in an order with this specialty doc..

in a long black point hat down the street from me...along with send'n a stamped letter to do my part in keep'n the postal system from goin bankrupt...to that that ol' fat ass in the red suit and doc martin boots and figered maybe he decided to gimme my xmas prezzie early...who knows at this point who got my message first so i personally don't know who to thank...maybe it's both perhaps? (since we worked under code names and all) 

BUTT...either case...i'm happier than a priest on a playground

of course i'm referr'n to thee most vomitous yet appropriately delicious

tweet heard around the world by that mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE lie'n corrupt socioapathetik sack of bloated orange dusted anal warted clown shit and PUTIN's personal cavernous bottom bitch

only to be released 3 fuck'n days later...and we (the public) are to believe

the scripted bile vommited from his charade parde of stepford doctors that his health is in tip top perfect order...apparently a 74 year old bloated calorically overloaded colostomitic infused cardiac arrest who didn't have to pay a fuck'n damn dime thanx to his taxpayer funded healthcare is in better shape than the 220,000+

though i personally was glad he pulled thru...only cuz i wanna see him

do the sugar shuffle down the prep walk carpet in a dingy orange jumper and shitty shackles as KATHY GRIFFIN...dressed in a tasty LACROIX number of course...interviews him before he enters Leavenworth prison to use in her next sold out world tour

instantly...the first song that ran thru my cerebral cortex was that sappy

sour patched kiddie break-up ballad by Billy's daughter "WRECK'N BALL" that i was personally never a big fan of anyways...

SINEAD was much more effective back in our days fer those razor blade break-up moments

then i remembered homo hottie ELI LIEB's cover of "WRECKING BALL" and picked up the rusted razor blade and fell back in love with the song after all

though the only thing i seriously related to the current tragedy we're face'n

and this song...was in the title alone...thanx to this pic my x VP of my fan club sent me the other nite...my twisted mind went into overdrive as i feverishly gulped a gallon of plum redbull and was burn'n the midnite oil til the wee hours of the morn'n rewrite'n sadistic lyrics from the demented orange anal wart's prespective... 

with the one and only drag superstar SHERRY VINE or Mtv's hot lil henna haired JULIE BROWN who i could C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-L-Y hear breath'n life into it...so i wrote them both seperately and left it at that...cross yer fingers kittens...i give you my master piece:

feel free to record yer own version or perform it live at yer next zoom crapoke session!

if that's not enough to make you wanna turn yer innerds into outtards...

now some lobotomized fucktwat at the unofficial WH gift shop is take'n pre-orders fer a "commemerative" tin cup gold spray painted coin fer $100 with the inscription say'n "the mentally deranged orange anal wart beat covid" (i'm paraphrase'n of course) 

how i do wish the Sarlacc Pit on the planet of Tatooine was an actual real 

destination to book a flight to...i would love to bare witness to Miss Pelosi push'n his mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE lie'n corrupt socioapathetik sack of bloated orange dusted anal warted clown shitted delapidated A double snakes into it's belly...with C-3PO recite'n his famous last words that he spoke to Han and Luke aboard Jabba's sail barge...

"you will therefore be taken to the Dune Sea and cast into the Pit of Carkoon...the nesting place of the all-powerful Sarlacc...in his belly...you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a 1000 years"

but that's just me hopelessly day dream'n...now go out and cast yer vote 

and GET OFF MY DRESS!

UNCHECK'N THE BOX!

everyone has dreams and wishes...or hopefully most have at the very least one...about a plethora of many many things that they'd wish for if they...

had been give'n the chance...whether it be winn'n the lotto...or happen to stumble across a belly dancer live'n inside a bejeweled liquor bottle...to come true

this list usually consists of things that are either attainable...affordable 

and even sometimes...down right asinine...but none the less...these are yer very own accomplishments that you wanna get credit for doin' or purchase'n...you know...before you kick that almighty can fer the last time!

so one of my ever dearly (and thankfully) undeparted friends...

Mrs. "who Cares...I OWN A STORE" Werner...came up with this concept awhile back while we were honor'n a dearly departed friend...simply entitled..."THE FUCK IT LIST"

now don't get this confused with that lil black book of names and gold stars you've been carry'n around in yer back pocket fer a rainy day kittens...oh no no no no NO!

this list basically is the anti BUCKET LIST...mean'n that...it's stuff yer just ain't ever gonna do before you die...regardless of the peer pressure

i thought about it long and hard (and NO i wasn't at the time...you dirty lil bird) so without further ado... here is my top 10  FUCK IT! LIST:

10. FUCK IT!...after ALL that's been said and done with the current

mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of Cheeto dusted pig shit disgrace'n the planet (that'll hopefully be impeached and banished to the planet of Frigia soon) ANYONE that STILL supports him at this point in the game are no longer on my christmas card list (friends and fam included and you know who you are) i may be a beauty school drop-out...

BUTT...i have one helluva intuition and i can tell when someone's try'na slide their regurgitation past me...you will suffer the same fate as Princess Aura with the bore worms if you try and "suggest" to me anything different by listen'n to yer deranged point of  view fer even a mere moment

9. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna bungee jump...EVER!...so don't ask me!

i've experienced vertigo one too many times dur'in my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe career...and like i've always said...

if i wanna get a rush outta bein' high..(unlike my past 3 X's) i'll just add another inch to my heels!

8. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna swim in the big blue ocean...

    as long as there are ANY sea creatures in them...

if i can't see the bottom...i'm not gett'n in...there is no deviation from this...sorry charlie!

7. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna jump outta a plane...

    with or without a parachute...not on my life!

6. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna set sails on the mighty sea...

 i have never been a fan of seafood...nor do i ever wanna become seafood...EVER!

though...i sorta conquered my fears of the mighty mississip this summer 

thanx to my boat friends Jim and Em...only to loose a part of me that is now a permanent fixture...rest'n in the river bed thanx to not acknowledge'n the trajectory force of the wind velocity when i came up from the bottom of the boat with cocktails in hand

5. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna feel scalpel to skin...fer vanity reasons

well...lemme clarify...if by some chance...i just happened to trip and fall unconsciously onto a cosmetic gurney dur'in my Blanch Devereaux years...and become youthinized fer a few hours...is that really MY FAULT?...but i fer damn sure ain't gonna be clipp'n no damn coupons or download'n any BOGO deals from the internet...thanx to 80's heartthrob Mickey Rourke...who went from fuckable to forgettable

but i heard he's been give'n a 2nd chance with hollyweird...and just landed the lead role in the live action christmas classic...play'n the Heat Miser...so good fer him

4. FUCK IT!...i'm never ever gonna get a pet snake....

there's is no way i ever want to wake up from one of my many narcoleptic naps...to find some large ass slither'n snake between my legs...

WAIT...lemme me clarify that one fer ya!

3. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna have a pussy fer a house pet...

ever since me dearly departed friend Jeanie...who spent a large portion of her adult life try'n to snag a sympathetic husband...in the end...had a brain aneurysm in her late early 40's watch'n tv one day...and when the paramedics found her 3 days later on the hot summer afternoon...her cat Luna was gnaw'n at her toes...poor thing...ended up gett'n eaten by a pussy and she wasn't even lesbitronik to begin with!

2. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna participate in the runn'n of the bull...

    how does that old say'n go? FUCK with the bull...yer gonna get the horns...this guy is fucked...and not in the good way

and the numbero uno FUCK IT!

Drummond roll over in yer grave pleez...

1. FUCK IT!...i'm just neva eva gonna eat raw sushi...EEEEW!...

      it's just sooo unnatural and creepy...to me! 

(though this does not mean i don't love the QUEEN any less)

there you have it kittens...this concludes my FUCK IT! list...fer now...

make yer own unfun and unfabulous list...and FUCK IT!...GET OFF MY DRESS!