DICKSTRACTION ACTION

when you desperately need to "distract" the masses with lobotomized

asses...cuz yer poles numbers are sink'n faster than yer morals...leave it to our unfortunate morbidly obese (thanx fer that Nancy) mentally deranged lie'n corrupt bloated sack of orange pig shit with the cottage cheesed ass...to act like a lil bitch...all cuz of PRESIDENT OBAMA's articulate and positive graduation speech last week fer the class of 2020 that garnered more neilsen rate'ns than any of his rallies from his destructive reign of terror over the past almost 4 years

i was completely worn out by all his BS and decided to distract myself with

my well worn out copy of the greatest hits by Heather Lockier to help lift my spirits...since my cabinet was currently outta those "special" spirits...

BUTT of course...it wasn't happen'n!

luckily fer you kittens...i'm gonna dickstract you with somethin just a lil

more eye popp'n than political poetry this week!

almost 3 months into lockdown now and i was rack'n my brains as to who

would be thee most interest'n person on the planet to distract yer dismal minds in these desperate times and take part in another interview that i haven't conducted in some time now...here at the orafices of GET OFF MY DRESS! i wanted it to be with someone who's been affected by the current state we're live'n in...so i tossed out a bucket of chum into the unisver to see who would bite..and much to my surprise...it was a nice unexpected surprise!

i tried gett'n in touch with TARA READE...but i didn't wanna touch her with anyone’s 10 foot pole

and i completely had fergotten that FARRAH FAWCETT was no longer with us

so i was beyond elated when i got a response back from the star of such

sinfully saucy classics like L.A. CRUISING...

and was absolutely riveted by the hard hitt'n action in COCK HAMMER

you got it kittens...today i'm sitt'n down with the deliciously delectable

throat plunge’n legend himself...TEX DAVIDSON

thanx a mill fer return'n my call TEX...so lets just dive right in...shall we? how were you discovered to go under the covers as an adult entertainer?

i was discovered on FACEBOOK actually

CHI CHI LARUE reached out as well as CHRIS CRISCO to whom became my manager for a short time before i started getting my own gigs

with all yer throngs of thongs you've destroyed thru-out yer illustrious career...what made you decide to hang up yer jock strap fer good?

the reason i left the industry was it was time, why not leave while you're on top! some of these guys make it a career. i had bigger plans for myself.

somehow i ended up follow'n you on twitter a while back...i'll admit it...it's yer eyes...they're like tractor beams...you were the death star...and i was the millenium falcon pulled in with no way to escape so i twatted you the day i found out you were outta comish cuz you contracted the current dreadful disease...so in yer own words...can you tell my savvry stalkers that follow me thru-out the planet about yer experience with the COVID?

my experience with COVID, lets just say it's not fun, it's something to take very seriously. i am not out of the woods yet. it's lonely. i was hopitalized for almost a week and a half with no visitors and only allowed to see the nurses 3 times a day and 3 times a night.

luckily my family and friends facetimed me to help me stay positive, no pun! after i was released from the hospital i now have to be quarentined for 14 days before i get tested again and hopefully test negative.

i experienced a seizure as well as a stroke, the doctors could not do my MRI or the EEG to figure out if those were related to the COVID. once i tested negative i will be able to proceed with the MRI and EEG so please take every precaution to stay safe. just because states are reopening doesn't mean this is all over

well...i think it's safe to say...that if TEX DAVIDSON tells you this COVID ain't nothin' to fuck around with...you outta listen kitten and speak'n of not fuck'n around anymore...now that yer outta the adult entertainment world can you tell us a lil bit about yer new adventure into the world of design?

my new adventure in the design world has always been a dream of mine and in just one phone call my dreams had come true. i moved to Dallas and i work for a great design firm and i am building my name up and branding myself to become one of Dallas's Designers.

my company is not only a design firm but we also stage luxury multi million dollar homes for the real estate industry

now we've come to the part of the interview i like to call "can we talk about ME fer a change?" basically TEX...you can ask me ANYTHING you want under the rainbow you want to know about a complete random stranger like myself (well...except about rainbows...cuz that's just fuck'n lazy journalism)

what's the craziest thing you want to do when this pandemic is over?

well...though i'm known as a bit of a "tooth chipper" in town myself  TEX

i think i'm gonna treat myself with my COVID cash and take the TEX challenge by goin fer a ride on yer replica...WHY NOT! (insert evil grin here) if you wanna feel the TEX experience all up in yer cavernous cornhole yerself...order his thick throat plunger fer yer very own pleasure here  among many other must have TEX DAVIDSON products...maybe even splurge as gifts fer friends...family...or even granny (if her time clock is still tick’n)

i wanna thank the ever incredible legendary TEX DAVIDSON fer take'n

 time outta his quarentined quarters to shoot the shit with me...and wanna wish you a complete speedy recovery along with best wishes on yer new adventures in the world of design...if yer a twatter...follow TEX on twitter @ https://twitter.com/texdavidsonxxx?lang=en

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

GAME OVER!

have you?...wait i mean...would you?...no wait!...could you ever watch

the remake of PYSCHO and not say to yerself...

WHAT THE FUCK is with this pile of refried shit on bisexual bread all about anyways?

i mean...i totally get the whole try'na come'n up with an interest'n plot to be

in the runn'n fer a hollyweird oscar that will try and captivate the audience fer more than 30 seconds before they try to discretely log into their pornhub account with their earplugs in to watch the latest ball bust'n dick flick while they try and shove their science project sausage thru the bottom of the popcorn bucket so their date can jack them off...seriously though...let's face it...even that role plays been over played...

nothin's original anymore!

so we all remember that twisted time back in 2017 when i acquired my 

very 1st official stalker as thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...on whatever app i was on at the time...and oh what a proud day THAT was...

i knew i had FINALLY made it after all as someone's personal life alter'n love slave...that fortunately i had quickly defused before i would end up as some sordid lifetime movie of the week...

played by the age'n beautifully...Meridith Baxter Birney!

so there i was on break from paint'n the shutters on my neice's and my

fav-o-rit dream home...at some meth riddled under priviledged park in Oakdale, MN...when i decided to log online and chatter away with some of the locals in the area to get a recipe fer somethin' that would freeze beautifully fer the church's annual anti social social gather'n that weekend

 BUTT unfortunately...

to be quiet honest...my batt'n average was batt'n below average hits from 

anyone within a 10 trailer radius that actaully owned a full set of choppers that didn't cook anything besides blue ice...ya know what i mean?

then all of a sudden...a not so white knight popped up on my screen

so i thought i'd indulge in a lil friendly convo...why not!...he owned all his own teeth after all

break would end and soon enough it was time to get back to Pablo 

Picasso'n the shutters on my neices trailer...a mere 4 hours later and 3 back tranquilizers...cuz i was walk'n like a himaylan shot putter...i was wrapp'n up my day and headed back to my shit box in the Minne-Apple when i recieved a message from my potential freezes beautifully anti-social socializer

by the time i had returned home that even'n...i stripped outta my striped

culottes...lathered my face with a generous supply of St Ive's mint julip mud mask to help rejuvenate my soft yet supple skin and continued on with a mini marathon of season 2 from my new fav-o-rit drug on Netflix before count'n sheep that even'n

by morn'n it was time to rinse and repeat it all over again in Oakdale...

Toulouse Letrec’n my A-double snakes under the hot midwestern sun...dressed like a tusken raider from Tucsan as not to sizzle my creamy white flesh cuz i just can’t afford the age spots

night fall would eventually come...since i wasn't...so i decided to log online

while watch'n another mini marathon of DEAD TO ME and check my mail...turns out GAMEOVER had left me a mini message...awwww...wasn’t that “Nice”?

at that very moment i had just cracked open my fortune cookie that read somethin' like "he with little response...is just as little as every where else" & unfortunately he wasn't quite finished feed'n me with his setiment... 

hmmm...

did i miss somethin?

at first i was like...well...maybe he's just try'na psyche me out or somethin' cuz i can take it as much as i can give it at times...then outta no where...

i didn't know whether to fry him up a back hand sammich or...

consult my balls fer answers?

 all i knew was...AVA MAX would be the theme to our now unfortunate anthem i would only remember him by

normally at this point i'da just called out the spirits and block his sorry

dilapidated ass...but i seriously had no clue where his birage of bullshit came from...plus i wanted that "freezes beautifully" recipe...i thought...you know what...this could'a been THE ONE that maybe someday we would buy a trailer park of our very own 

and adopted a few miniature mongolian warthogs of our very own 
(well cuz i had my tubes tied since i was unable to bare any of my very own)

needless to say...after smooth'n out the corns on my very petite feet and

remove'n my soul...along with my mud mask...i slipped into my Holly Hobby even'n gown...pulled the curlers outta my basement bush and figered this GAME was truly OVER before it ever had a chance to begin...eh...i'll survive...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

what's up...DOC?

almost everyone out there desperately needs to take a break now & then

from their very tiresome and tediously tawdryless "time to make the donuts" existence durin' these mundane damn panic times and learn a lil bit more about the world outside of their narcissistically curious compact...audiences were riveted 10 years ago this month to learn about the fascinate'n tales behind all the glitz and glamour of a truly undeniably unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe in my very 1st mini docudrama...directed by the Martin Scoresissy of the Minne-Apple and my friend Tony Larson...that you can waste 5 minutes & 22 seconds of yer life to relive by click'n on this link

BUTT...that's not all there is to know

recently i myself decided to expanded my horizons...instead of my over 

the rainbow road ego and learned about a true love story between 2 adorable consent'n adults with unbridled forbidden passion in "A SECRET LOVE" play'n now on Netflix...that any real carpet cleaner or anyone with a pulse fer that matter...would absolutely enjoy 

(ps...have a box of kleenex handy...i'm just say'n)

then i decided it was time to revisit some of my other fav-o-rit true stories

NO...not those you kinky lil kittens! so here is a list of my top 13 docs you outta check out if yer tired of psychoanalyze'n the TIGER KING one more time (in no chronological order)

#13...although it's been roughly 2 full years since it's debut in theaters

it's about time to remind yerself once again that no matter what yer contempt towards the ever brilliant satirist docu-filmmaker MICHAEL MOORE...his brilliant "FAHRENHEIT 11/9" will remind you to make sure that the mentally deranged corrupt sociopathetik bloated anal wart with the cottage cheese ass disgrace'n the WH and terrorize'n the planet...DOES NOT make it past nov 5th!

#12...i was completely awe struck think'n that everything was always

finger lick'n good just like that colostomitic cornel used to say...until i stumbled across this eye open'n doc one nite on youtube...starr'n hot-to-trot filmmaker MORGAN SPURLOCK in his 2nd fascinate'n flick pluck'n apart the poultry industry in "SUPERSIZE ME 2: HOLY CHICKEN"

#11...though she started on the D-List...this red headed spit fire ended up

on the shit list with the hollywierd elite and portions of the deplorable anal warts of a'murica fer practice'n her 1st amendment right as an A-List comedian take'n on the mentally deranged sociopathetik bloated piece of orange pig shit with the cottage cheese ass...unfortunately her career kamikazi'd within 24 hrs from release'n the "picture" seen around the world...but like a true deligant damsel in the blue dress...KATHY GRIFFIN rose like a phoenix fer the flamers and sold out her experience take'n on the mentally deranged sociopathetik bloated piece of orange pig shit with the cottage cheese ass at shows around the globe and documented her experience in "A HELL OF A STORY"

#10...i don't get the fear factor when it comes to clowns...i really don't!

OH WAIT! you will when you watch this deadly doc style terror w/a comical twist with IT's cousin "WRINKLES THE CLOWN"

#9...though dearly departed from this planet about 13 years ago now...

everyone's fav-o-rit maybellined minister...TAMMY FAYE BAKER knew how to accept all who crossed her path...regardless of race...religion or whatever rectal pirate you wanted to reem on any given nite...narrated by MAC's minister RuPaul..."THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE" will have you sing'n her praises in hopes that she raises...someday!

#8...christened the "most beautiful woman in the world" by filmmaker

JOHN WATERS...this larger than life persona became infamous fer eat'n dog shit in the hysterical low budget raunchy hit "PINK FLAMINGO'S" in 1972...chronicle'n her rise from the streets of Baltimore to the bright lights of Hollywierd...simply known as DIVINE..."I AM DIVINE" is a MUST SEE doc fer any Rutard enthusiast who thinks that their fav queen is "iconic"...none of them can hold a heel to DIVINE's massive legacy...currently play'n on Netflix

#7...the one reason why i rarely EVER take a trip to a tricks residence...

"VOYUER" makes you rethink about ever rent'n a room at some run down road side motel...ever again...air'n on Netflix currently

#6...though i was an alter boy at one point in my teen aged life...i soon 

learned it was all just a crock of shit...cuz basically if you take ANY religion (well...maybe not satanism) and remove ALL the money...they're ALL basically say'n...just don't be an anal wart to others...and BILL MAHER breaks it down perfectly by flush'n out the hypocrisy in "RELIGULOUS"

#5...one of the greatest pioneers in female comedy...was also the hardest

work'n woman in the biz up until her untimely pass'n in 2014 at the tender age of 81...JOAN RIVERS in "A PIECE OF WORK" explores her entire career from the triumphants to the tragedies...a true trail blazer gone way before her time

#4...ever wonder about all the shitty shenanigans of the great white way?

in 2007...director DORI BERINSTEIN followed 4 musicals "TABOO" "WICKED" "AVENUE Q" and "CAROLINE FOR CHANGE" up fer musical accolades and all the trials and tribulations that went along with putt'n together a masterpiece fer the masses on Broadway and the razor sharp tongues of the critics in "SHOWBUSINESS"

#3...the queen of the dance floor blew the documentary world away with

her jaw dropp'n behind the scenes look at life on the road and putt'n together her massive BLONDE AMBITION world tour in "TRUTH OR DARE" back in 1991...by 2007 MADONNA had hung up her heels (fer a minute) and had other ambitions by channel'n her career to help rebuild the improvrished tiny town of Malawi Africa with her charity RAISING MALAWI and chronicle'n her quest in "I AM BECAUSE WE ARE"

#2...the 70's were filled with a den of drugs...disco...and deliver me from

evil debauchery...and none was more spectacularly displayed fer view'n audiences than LINDA LOVELACE in "DEEP THROAT"...33 years later in 2005...director FENTON BAILEY dove deep into the back story of the 1st ever full screen theatrical release of the biggest talked about porn movie in american history and lays out how the govenrment desperately tried to control what happened in yer bedroom and what ever happened to the movies infamous star in "INSIDE DEEP THROAT"

#1...though only credited as an executive producer MICHEAL MOORE

rounds out my top 10 docs worth watch'n while yer hunker'n down in yer parents basement...with yer bong and yer bad breath...director JEFF GIBBS explores the the under belly of how the "green deal" IS NOT so green as it's lead you to believe after all in "PLANET OF THE HUMANS"

there ya have it kittens...hopefully one of these were able to trip yer trigger

if not...bite me...and GET OFF MY DRESS!