TELEPHONE pt. 2

everyone out there wants to either become friends with a celebrusaurus

some time in their life or at the very least...at least...to be able to speak to them from beyond the grave from time to time fer the right dime of course (hey the estates of the dead don't make a pretty penny fer nothin')

with the hallowed season upon us...it's that time again fer all the lil kittens

to dress up as their fav-or-it mini celebrusaurus and beg their neighbors within a mile radius to fill their fake fendi satchels full of the latest non denominational non binary non electronical goodies to rot their non decayed choppers til it’s non white friday

i myself...bein thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of my own universe of course...know all to well about the trials and tribulations us future celebrusaurus's will have to endure just to keep the basic commoners (much like yerself that tune in every week cuz yer too weak to walk away before read'n my highly uninformative gibberish halfway fer the past decade plus) remotely interested in our legacy once we've reach the great beyond

we all know about the fair share of run-ins i myself have had with other

unfossilized celebrusaurus's thru out my dimly lit career from the MISTRESS OF THE DARK to the QUEEN OF ENGLAND and everyone in between

i've even had the absofuckinlute pleasure to have a mini chitty chitty

bang bang gabfest with other past their prime future celebrusaurus's like NY's very own archaic road kill LADY BUNNY...WILL & GRACE's colostomitic  keebler elf LESLIE JORDAN and everyone's fav-o-rit pain in the ass from the prairie ALISON ARNGRIM to name drop just a few (before they all unfortunately hadda put a restrain'n order out on my perky A double snakes cuz i kept text invite'n myself over fer sunday brunch even though i have zero clue of their whereabouts)

BUTT anyways...click here in case you missed out on pt. 1!

well...hold on to yer yellowed stained corn-on-the-cob choppers kittens 

cuz today we here at the unlawful orifices' of GET OFF MY DRESS have F-I-N-A-L-L-Y secured an annoy'n exclusive one-on-one pow wow 

with the regrettable edible KRYSTAL KLEER

by the late great ghost of JOAN RIVERS from far beyond the grave thanx to the magic of the ouiga 

so darling KRYSTAL...i wanna thank you ever so for finally take'n the time 

to contact me from the great beyond...i haven't heard a damn peep from that bitch of a daughter of mine Melissa or my ungrateful grandson Cooper...they made off with my millions...my QVC jewelry line and my gorgeous penthouse in NY...i carried that gold digging cunt to full term even though i had second thoughts every time i hung up my coat in the hall closet...she ruined my figure gnaw'n on my insides and making me as big as a house fer 9 god damn months...when my water broke my dog drowned...then she turns around and sells everything...hires a buddhist therapist to start repressed false memory therapy to prove she's the real daughter of JOAN CRAWFORD...

oh yea cuz that worked out so well fer CHRISTINA you untalented twat!

 KRYSTAL you don't what it's like on this side...ARRRRRGH...every day of eternity with my beloved EDGAR...i finally got to ask him why did he kill himself all those years ago and he admitted to me the day i crossed over (thanx to that fuck'n throat specialist...accident my boney ass) he said "JOANIE it was all your fault really...we were making mad passionate love and you took the bag off your head!" 

fuck him...like he was some passionate prize package...my love life with Edgar was like a slice of swiss cheese…most of it was missing and what’s there stinks…it was so bad that my G spot was declared a historic landmark…we bought a water bed in the 70's and he stocked it full of trout and towards the end right before he pulled the trigger he got so fat stuff'n his face with everything but my vagina that i even caught him putt'n mayonnaise on his aspirin though i can't blame him for doin what he did really...i can honestly admit i have no sex appeal…when peeping tom's peek in my window they pull down the shades…my gynecologist examines me over the telephone!

anyways...i'm glad you found me on yer board during that damn pandemic your dealing with up there to talk to me about your miserable existence so what have you been up to my dear since all that covid chaos started?

first off...pandemic? i say fandemic! i swear to CHER i could barely leave my shitbox Joan...i mean my quaint lil shitbox of course...i started feel'n like a schizophrenic gerbil goin from my modest 2 room rental so eventually i forced myself to wander out and about once i received my recommended shots...however...from the freeways to the food shelves i was constantly bein hounded by those  "karens" everywhere try'na catch me off guard so they could cash in on selfish selfies by sell'n em fer a handful of pathetic pennies to those christian periodical magazines as if i'm some sorta harlet of hellfire

though i did manage to give back to the community by host'n a highly successful BINGO marathon at some dt Minne-Apple health spa sperm bank right before lockdown fer those cripples cling'n on to hope over at the MS foundation

oh and i finally turned the BIG 5-0!

now that we're all caught up...why don't we just get to the real reason fer 

this slightly annoy'n but highly anticipated sit down...a lil birdie tells me that you've decided to enter back into the world of film after years of hiatus ever since you first appeared and was unfortunately discovered in some "DOOSH A-WAY" commercial

well yes it's true...i did try launch'n my very own liquor line back in 2012 i believe it was however i couldn't get anyone to contribute to my gofukyerself account so i lost all confidence in my product and drank my way into a mini vaca at the beautiful BETYY FORD bungalow's in Center City, MN 

my latest and greatest project though almost didn't happen to be honest cuz when i found out the other ladies that i was up against fer this coveted role but then i said to myself NO! who says i'm not as worthy as MERYL...JULIAN and GLENN...we're all in our advanced years...they all may have Oscars under their belt nonetheless in spite of that at least i've take'n a belt off an Oscar or 5 over the years and thankfully i feel just as fulfilled fill'n them up!

i heard there was some sorta controversy when you had premiered your

latest flick "TELEPHONE" at the TUNA CANNES FILM FESTIVAL in Sheboygan Iowa...care to elaborate on the rumors?

well i'm not one to gossip but i overheard game show spectacle of  "TIC TAC DOUGH" fame WINK MARTINDALE was busted tapp'n his twinkle toes in some sorta fornicational morse code to an undercover policeman in the stall next to mine...though i'll deny it if anyone asks me outright!

do you have any other plans to do a follow up in the footsteps of most 

films of horror fav-o-rits like JASON...FREDDY and MICHAEL and might yer audience perhaps be see'n a trilogy to "TELEPHONE" in the near future?

it's funny you should ask that JOAN cuz this film was almost not made...see what had happened was i almost walked off the set on day 1 of film'n since my rider demands weren't met...i mean is it ask'n too much fer powder green m&m's to match my powder green eyes...powder green contacts and a slovakian chef to feed them to me? (the m&m's not the contacts in case yer confused) luckily my multiple personality manager inside my head convinced me to fergo the amenities at this time around 

so my fabulous director TONY LARSON and myself had discussed the other day about take'n the profits from "TELEPHONE" which takes place in the 80's...to bank role that into a 90's follow-up called "FLIP PHONE" and of course fer the new gender fluid non dairy binary canary millennials we'd of course have to do a non scary "CELL PHONE" which would be the scariest of them all cuz it's like a trilogy of terror when yer cell goes off while yer try'na get off in some raunchy rest stop though we'll probably wait fer the receipts from "TELEPHONE" to come in before anything else happens...i'll keep ya posted!

here's a few behind the scenes from my colossal cringe fest...you think it's sooo damn easy bein me however hand placement is completely crucial...it can make or break a scene...i also hadda do a few "look into the light Carol Ann" shots fer the dream sequence as well (i was see'n spots fer days)

this was me take'n a break on location film'n the open'n scene on the last day after a month and a half of shoot'n...i hadda do this scene over like 15 times cuz desperado's were try'na consume my spotlight walk'n up the sidewalk on a beautiful wednesday even'n...coincidentally this was also the location of the wrap party which was lack'n any sorta open bar or buffet (well it wasn't in the budget i was told) good thing there was some hummus and stale saltines still left at the bottom of the purse that i bought at a rummage sale last year

well i think...i mean i absolutely know...your kittens would be interested 

so let's turn the tables to the director TONY LARSON fer a change...so tell me TONY the readers want to know what exactly made you decide to want to film this tale of terror with that terror KRYSTAL and how ever did you manage to get the unintentionally internationally unknown performing illusionist of her own universe to get on board in the first place?

well then…i guess he’s prepp’n for the premiere…move’n on!

ok so i guess i'll follow yer lead from the past interviews that you've done

"can we talk about ME fer a change?"

so ask me KRYSTAL darling anything you wanna know about me except about those fuck'n rainbows cuz that's just lazy journalism

ok JOAN...i heard yer somewhat to blame fer the downfall of the late

MICHAEL JACKSON by give'n him some advice on date'n...can you elaborate on that?

i can admit that the whole downfall to MICHAEL JACKSON's career was 

entirely my fault...i told him to only date 28 year old's...

who knew he was gonna find 20 of them & i don’t wanna hear any of you out there gimme any grief over that one so on that note toodaloo cuntaroo!

i wanna thank the dearly deceased JOAN RIVERS fer come'n on over

from the other side to bask in my dimly lit spotlight and chitter chatter’n with me fer a mere moment in time...i wished we could'a talked a bit longer but i dropped my dignity all over the ouija board and we lost our connection though presumably i can now marinate in my fame fer a moment since my dimly lit spotlight just got ginormous with MY NAME FINALLY ON THE MARQUEE!

hope you enjoy our desperate attempt at terrify'n you with "TELEPHONE" and have yerself a helluva hweenie and here's hope'n yer trick won't treat you with an uncomfortable uber ride to the red door clinic in the morn'n!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

Confessions from a Prairie Bitch

covered wagons…holly hobby dresses…lugg'n pails of water and sunday 

school on a wednesday nite sounds to me like the make’n of a western porn entitled "LUST IN THE DUST" or somethin' but not on my blog kittens…you want that sorta smut i suggest you visit yer local adult entertainment theater if you want a cheap thrill (or call me after 8 pm central time)

famously known as tv’s rotten egg bad-ass bitch thru-out the 1970’s fer 7 of the 9 seasons on the saccrinated family series  

"LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE"

as Nellie Oleson

Alison Arngrim is much more than just a “Prairie Bitch”…she’s an actress of stage and screen…author…activist against AIDS and child abuse…a comedienne…and one smart and funny kitten...if i do say so myself

so Nellie…i mean Alison…i’m sure you’ve gotten that once or twice on the street over the years huh…but since i brought it up...what's life been like since leave'n Walnut Grove?

i did the usual thing after the show like... "THE LOVE BOAT"

and "FANTASY ISLAND" cuz it's the law...i have just been the busiest thing in the world for the last couple of years...i was doing stand-up for eons and then in 2002 i started doing this thing... 

"CONFESSIONS OF A PRAIRIE BITCH"

where i tell all true stories from my life on Little House...things have just taking off since then and when the book came out in 2010 i haven't had a minutes peace...i'm constantly doin my show or a book signing somewhere.

Once Nellie married Percival and left the series…you did movie of the week with Marie Osmond…what was that all about?

i was in a movie called "I MARRIED WYATT EARP" but i myself did not marry Wyatt Earp...Marie Osmond married Wyatt Earp...i played Marie Omond's best friend and Bruce Boxleitner was also in this film...who became Melissa Gilbert's ex husband

lemme ask ya Alison...did you ever feel like you were typecast as Nellie?

oh yea i totally think that did happen to some extent...people in hollywood are so totally out of it...people were convinced i must be like Nellie Oleson...there were casting directors who were convinced i could only be in shows that took place in the 1800's which is why they called me for the Wyatt Earp thing...i remember in the 80's my agent calling people about parts and they're saying "oh this takes place in current time...do you think she comes with the dress?" which is 1800's barbie! are you insane? so there is definitely a type casting...people in hollywood are very narrow minded but i think in the last few of years it's really turning around in my favor because everyone really likes the bitchy parts now...so now i'm getting more calls.

Yer tv husband Percival Dalton played by Steve Tracy passed away from complications to AIDS in '86 and since then you've been a tremendous champion volunteer'n yer time to many AIDS organizations and educational workshops thru-out LA...do you feel that you’ve made a positive impact with those you’ve come in contact with over the years?

they married of Nellie and i got very nice once i was married to the marvelous actor Steve Tracy who played Percival and then he died of AIDS in 1986 and was very public with his diagnosis and that's when nobody was talking about anything...i  volunteered at AIDS Project Los Angeles...the biggest one here...it got really intense...i did alot of AIDS education in CA and all over the country and i'm still doing stuff for different AIDS agencies all over the country because some of the smaller agencies are not getting the funding 

because they can't ring up Elton John and Madonna to come do a show for them but at least i can go do something (laughs) so if your ever in trouble...

you can always get Nellie Oleson to help out!

when i did an AIDS walk in Seattle...that was a very successful year...

i raised more money than Sir Ian McKellen

i was very impressed...i've spoken at 100's and 100's of places around LA about AIDS education and actually spoke at an enrollment group in MN in '92 and i was doing a benefit for a hospice in Minneapolis and we went and did the whole bringing Nellie home pick-nick and went to the Walnut

Grove site but it was after i spoke there that i got a letter from the 4-H club that they were now doing a project of making blankets and quilts for children with AIDS so i was very pleased.

So yer come’n back to CAMP in St Paul, MN again fer yer 2^nd round of yer brilliantly written “CONFESSIONS of a PRAIRIE BITCH”…what can my enormous litter of kittens who plan on attend’n…expect when they come to yer show that they may or may not have seen the first time around?

i always have a little something new...i'm keeping in the favorites cuz the video's like the baby Cary can't talk montage...you just can't go wrong with...so obviously there will be some familiar stuff but i'm always tweaking and adding new things...i have some new insane stories from France and then of course the huge chunk of my act is the marvelous question and answer the "ask Alison anything" segment where we will have little index cards where you can ask questions and that's always completely live so we never no what we're going to be asked.

i personally think that they (the audience) need somethin’ to feel the full effect of yer show…and therefore CAMP should be sell'n “PRAIRIE BITCH” martini’s during yer run...made from caramel apple vodka...ginger ale and a pinch of bitters…don’t that sound like some sorta little house cocktail Nellie would’ve drank if the writers turned her into some rage'n alcoholic prairie wife who dies of cirrhosis of the liver?

that would be awesome...yea it should be a little sweet a little bitter but it should be a little pink to...when they did the Little House musical which was actually quite fabulous wonderfully hokey and Oklahomie...Melissa Gilbert played ma which was a trip

when they opened in MN they did do a drink menu and they had "ma's nightly nip" the "laura" which was the nice non alcoholic one...but they had all these prairie martini's and they did have a Nellie Olsen cocktail with pink grapefruit juice vodka and soda. it was pink and fuzzy.

fer those who just wanna taste a lil Nellie how 'bout a “little house” shot? 

well now i think it would need Miss Beadle's lemon verbena and something grain alcohol based cuz pa was a wheat farmer and maybe make it a warm drink cuz you know we'd be freezing on the prairie like a hot toddy with a twist straw to keep the fires burning.

now we’ve come to the part of the show that i like to call 

“can we talk about ME fer a change?” 

basically what happens is…in yer best Barbara Walters blouse…you can ask me ANYTHING under the rainbow about me that yer die’n to know about me…and i mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G well accept about rainbows cuz that’s just fuck’n lazy journalism

ok...since we're coming to MN and you guys have the whole marriage equality initiative on the ballot...when did you 1st come out as a gay?

oh Alison...i came down that fallopian curly slide with a flute in my hand! 

so i never really hadda come outta any closet per se...besides...closets are fer corsets...culottes and kinky crap...i don't follow leaders...they follow me!

well...accept THIS leader!

well thank you's a million trillion times over Alison fer take'n time off yer 

"Prairie Tour" to talk with this unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of her own universe

catch ALISON in her hilarious romp thru the back stories of the business 

"Confessions of a Prairie Bitch" @ CAMP runn'n  Nov 8^th – Nov 11^th   

tell her i sent ya if ya get a chance...yer not gonna get any sorta discount but i'm sure she'd be beyond thrilled to know you read about her here 1^st

if ya don't...then just GET OFF MY DRESS!