Monday, March 13, 2017

DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles pt 3

what a weekend it was in the drunk tank with a bunch of tally whackers...
i mean...Lacrosse Wi...fer the annual early St Patty's celeo-libations with the relations and the relations-a-like...luckily fer me...this projectile vommit decorated myself or others around me...of course maybe cuz it was colder than a witch's tit out

in any know the drill...get a ticket to the catch-up train


and now the excrutiate'n concussion to this DISASTER CAKE
so i moved into my own fuck'd pad FINALLY...oh i don't mean that sorta fuck pad kittens...(well not this time anyways) i just meant how i was fuck'd over ever since i planned this whole vaca to begin with...i'd like to thank (insert name here)...the insane trumpeters...but most of all i'd like to thank my sanity...fer putt'n up with all this bullshit and able to tell about

so any who'zll'ding...
sunday was spent pretty much walk'n around like a lost hooker without a home until check in time at 3 pm...and i stayed in bed until 1:30 am mon morn''n MSNBC news porn about the latest clown fuckery show in Washington that was pretty much write'n a whole new season to 24 in regards to the whole Michael Flynn thing...seriously...i was way too paralyzed fer any more shit to hit the fan to budge an inch...let alone give up 7 more to any Tom...Dick or Scary Mary on line...the only reason i left my boudoir was when i hadda make the proverbial sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain goddess...PERIOD!...i only survived on some spicey wasabi almonds and a red bull ALL fuck'n day...and trust me...that ain't a pretty scene no matter how ya wanna look at it

by 7:30 the next morn'n i decided to pull up my big girl britches and venture out to see what this shit hole of a town...i mean this quaint lil shit hole of a town...hadda offer me...turns out...not much
when the 1/2 price ticket booth near my hotel opened...i decided to catch another show since CHER was NO WHERE to be found...except perhaps...pick'n out new patterns fer her lovely scarf collection...but if ya ask me...let's go back to the days of the CHER HAIR CARE systems...cuz that shit was THEE SHIT back in the day
A-N-Y-W-A-Y-S...i looked at the list of other performers in town and noticed that Miss Spears had residency at Planet Hollyweird'd had been some time since i'd seen a good lyp-sync i figer'd i'd go check it out...and just my luck...Brit Brit was give'n home lobotomy lessons to Adriana Grande that week...DAMMIT!
so i went down to the next stellar show and always wanted to check out Miss My Heart Will Go On and ON and ONNNNNNNNNNNN until yer ears fuck'n bleed like a bad hemorrhage...with some crazy ass Circus So Lame fill'n in her background...well...would't ya know it...allegedly...she wanted to save a couple of bucks and was clipp'n coupons with her kid fer a mani/pedi weekend at Miss Saigon's Calgon retreat...but ended up with some funky toe jam shit happen'n so she was a no go herself...FUCK!
last thing i seen on the list was about somethin' about the longest runn'n drag impersonation show on the Vegas strip (and bein' thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe myself)...i thought i'd check out my as a perform'n illusionist fer many a years...i possibly cannot...nor will the show to shreds...cuz i have too much respect fer anyone that dresses up like a clown and performs fer an audience...
as a pissed off patron on a couple of Petron/7's...lets just say...amongst the sea of BENGAY bandits and DEPENDS dignitaries that showed up that even'n...who probably thought they were see'n the real deal due to the cataract'd crowd surround'n me...i'da rather been stick'n toothpicks in my toenails and hooked up to a ex-lax drip...cuz this show just kept give'n me the runs fer the next hour and a half
to begin...i swore the Madonna was have'n a stroke on stage...cuz she kept give'n the crowd that Elvis snarl dur'n "hung up"
and trust me...i'm all fer the BIG GURL impersonations...but the Tina Turner looked more like a diabetic glittered purse in sawed off pumps who kept try'na pick up the hot wings that fell outta her purse to no avail while she was "roll'n...roll'n...roll'n down the river"
the Whiney Houston looked like they pretty much dug her up from her grave the nite before and propped her up...enough said
and the only reason i really wanted to enjoy this MAC smacked testicle spectacle...was cuz they had a CHER impersonator there...but turns out she looked more like a candle melt'n who had one too many kaeopectate cocktails
the only highlights of the nite that kept me from bite'n down on my emergency cyanide breath mints...were the back up dancers (one in particular) that was either give'n me the medusa eye at stage front (that's what WE in the industry refer to as...say it with me kittens...THE FRONT OF THE STAGE) or his meds were wear'n off that even'n...
also...the host Miss Joan Rivers...well Joan Rivers equivalent...though a good laugh...i never could quite grasp the concept of the 80's aqua netted beauty queen hair wrapp'd in a tiara...not even a good look fer Joan even if she were still alive today
the only human contact i had that entire day...was with the bartender in margaritaville before and after the show...and trust me...he could've completely give'n me a reason to check into the Betty Ford center fer the next year or so
by morn'n...i didn't hesitate to check out...well ok...i would'a done a pit stop just so i could tell you what'a bad gurl i had been...but alas...i just wanted to get the fuck outta Dodge pronto i hopp'd aboard the hotel's metamucil mobile and flew to the airport at the speed of narcoleptic turtle...raced thru security...(well just so i could get my complimentary strip search that i much deserved...thank you) and wait'd patiently fer my plane to arrive...and the second i heard them call my flight number...i could feel all the weight just slide off vomit at a victory parade

of course what is play'n on the sound system as i wait'd to board...
"IF I COULD TURN BACK FUCK'N TIME"...i kid you not!

now get off my dress!

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