STICKY FINGERS pt. 1

picture it kittens...the year was 1984 and minnesnowda's very own purple 

paisley bucket of pubic hair had dominated the airwaves with his #1 jam "WHEN DOVERS CRY" all while bath'n in a bathtub full of erotic filth and dominate'n the theaters with his biographical master piece "PURPLE RAIN" which was accompanied by a masterpiece soundtrack of the same name

that my absofuckinglutely fantabulous cuz Shelly got to be apart of musical history durin' the open'n scene...so take that!

a widowed english teacher would become a geriatric novelistic sleuth with a killer roller set who was set on solve'n mysteries and murders all over Cabot Cove fer 10 successful seasons

MOLLY becomes a box office bank account while gett'n molested by her nana with lezbitronic tendencies in the teenrager hit "16 CANDLES" among many others that followed...oh and ps you finger-lick'n-on-the-trigger crotchety phalange point'n ameba's march'n in every damn woke online parade...

JOHN HUGHES is dead so don't start some pissy pathetic petition to ban this come'n of age movie fer us gen X'ers or send'n MOLLY rape counselor brochures

and i had decided to meander to the downtown of my hometown on a brisk afternoon to the local corner drug store to rummage thru the latest issue of my fav-o-rit musical rag fer all the latest musical gossip and printed lyrics to my fav-o-rit songs...

cuz you know you never were sing'n the correct lyrics no matter how long you had any given tune play'n on repeat in yer walkman

fer the longest time until i researched BERLIN's "THE METRO" lyrics that i began perform'n fer the 1st time on stage at the GAY 90's in the 90's months after i stopped doin the song...the open'n lyrics went as follows:

"i'm alone...sitting with my empty glass...my four walls follow me thru my past...i was on a Paris train...i emerged in London rain...and you were waiting there...swimming thru apologies"

however in my thought process i totally thought Terri's last line in the song went "and you were there...swimm'n thru a pile of cheese!" (hey i was 13 at the time...it totally was absolutely plausible so don't act you didn't think the same thing) anywho'zll'ding

after purchase'n my mag...i realized i only had some pocket change left

in my pocket so i decided to walk down to another drug store a few blocks away where a few of my siblings were at walk'n homelessly up and down the aisles dream'n of everything they couldn't afford more than likely then up back and forth thru the toy aisle stare'n at toys we had hoped that the fat ass in the red suit would deliver under our tree in a few short months and fer some reason i remember my sister fixate'n on this bendable witch doll that was about $1.50

BUTT let's back it up a it...

me and my sis had shared a room separated by the BERLIN wall of our

sleep'n quarters which was just 2 large rusted out school style locker room closets that COULD NOT be crossed or there would be an all out war...she was on the west side while i occupied the east...my side was always absolutely spotless and mathematically plastered with posters of  BOY MADONNA and CYNDI cover'n up every inch of paint when possible thanx to my keen sense of unapologetic law and order

while my sister's side of the room always looked like the trash compactor inside the death star and i swore at any give'n moment you never knew when a random fuck'n cyclops snake eye was gonna pop up from the heap of clothes that she had unceremoniously adorned her floor with

my uncle from Virginia or was it West? i'm grasp'n at straws at this point 

kittens cuz i can't remember which it was...move'n on...so my unk out east had visited us one spring or summer with his "friend" i was told by Joan...the season isn't really relevant to this story it's only give'n you a visual backdrop...anyways...i was lucky enough to be bequeathed a book from my long distance uncle that only expanded my celebrity fascination and musical repertoire from his era and let me tell you i became completely O-B-S-E-S-S-E-D from the very minute i opened the cover and flipped thru the pages...i wanted to be the one to solve the most talked about celebrity death in the world at that time

however a few months later after relentlessly bark'n at the occupant live'n

on the western side of the wall to keep their side clean cuz of my overbear'n OCD could barely handle it any longer...someone had take'n it upon themselves one day when there was no guards at the gate to apparently pull off some sorta secret mission impossible bullshit and somehow was able to make it to the east side of the room without tripp'n off any of the alarms or landmines that i had personally installed myself 

and decided to pull some Freddy Krueger fuckery on my newly acquired possession by slash'n a few pages from my cherished Marilyn bible to possess fer their very own 

well…i knew right then and there that this would be a total retaliation on

my behalf and trust me...THERE WOULD BE NO NEGOTIATE'N…NO STONE LEFT UNTURNED! believe you me i wasted no time in beginn'n my search and destroy mission to track down the callous culprit responsible fer the abhorrent atrocity of my property so i threw on my Angela Lansbury cap and started slither'n around like a sleuthy snake follow'n the shreddery which would lead me over the wall!

there ya have it...tune in next week fer the excrutiate'n concussion of pt.2

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

HICKORY DICKORY MOCKORY

picture it kittens the year was 2002 and i was on hiatus from live'n my

infamous life as thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe fer roughly 2 years at this point all cuz of some egregiously disingenuous discuntled 1891 dime store Dame Edna bowel movement that i had the displeasure of work'n with fer roughly 4 years

while the musical world lost it's biggest power couple at the moment TIMBER~SPEARS who bought one way tickets to splitsville

which gave birth to the pissed off princess of pop AVRIL LAVIGNE with delicious ditties like "SK8ER BOI" "I DON'T GIVE" and "COMPLICATED"  among many many others (ps...side note kittens...she's still pissed as fuck and i'm live'n fer every minute of it with her latest mad gems "BITE ME" and "I LOVE IT WHEN YOU HATE ME" with the full album dropp'n feb 25th...yer welcome)

with the music industry grasp'n at straws fer the next biggest hit maker

to make them millions...they decided they hadda turn the tables at their formula factory by lett'n remote controlled judgmental judy taco tuesday slugs across the country phone in to pick their latest must-have sell-by-date musical sensation that would churn out starlets and soup canned contestants with KELLY CLARKSON lead'n the pack by become'n the 1st that i can freely admit i was absofuckinlutely root'n for from the very start…

that managed to churn out 3 more notable sensations (albeit non 1st placers) however ADAM JENNIFER and CHRIS ended up as 1st placers on the charts durin' in its entire 15 seasons and in my external hard drive catalog (so if you disagree with me write yer senator and bite me twat scratchers) on that cringe worthy competition series AMERICAN'S IDLE

then there were those who were plucked from obscurity thanx to the latest

at home music studio and a computer camera called youtube that vommited out vacuously saccharinated pimple popper’s like JUSTIN BIEBER who blew the teener biebers unsolicited box apart when he was discovered online which spring boarded him into the biggest internet sensation that year with his hit "BABY" which unfortunately skyrocketed his unconscious career

well it would only be a year later in 2003 when a mothers egg would hatch 

a lil puke bucket named DANIELLE BREGOLI that 14 years later in 2017 would turn into the spawn of satan's mistress who subliminally forced you to ram a knitt'n needle in yer ear by become'n the next annoyingly talentless piece of mundane dribble pissed youtube sensation thanx to an appearance on some equally incredulous therapeutic daytime dreadful daddy talk show who goes by BHAD BHABIE though these days she's best known to the brain dead biscuits brigade as the "CASH ME OUTSIDE" girl

and just when you think the internet couldn't sink any lower...out vomits this 33 year old talentless tiktok'n maxi padder AMI BIBABI with her rectally regurgitated bump and grinder pile of diarrhea "CHIN UP" that i unfortunately would succumb to an absolute built in migraine from the very first beat once i clicked on the link...nonetheless i suffered thru it til to the end fer research purposes only and yes kittens i do realize i'm only breath'n validation into their very excruciate’n existence by showcase'n their viciously vile voice on my platform around the world

though to be fair...us gen X-er's did have to suffer thru unmeasurable discomfort in 1986 with peddle push’n pastel pusher CROCKETT's "HEARTBEAT"

BUTT...it don't stop there

who doesn't love a duet? the 60's gave us the RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS

 these brothers though not connected by blood were connected instead by their cool style'n and rose to stardom with their #1 smooth ditty "YOU'VE LOST THAT LOVIN' FEELING" 

the 70's gave us those soft core pornage sounds from SEALS AND CROFT with their 8-track hit "SUMMER BREEZE"

the 80's gave us those ass shake'n brit boys WHAM! with their walk of shame bubble gum hit "WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO"

by the time the 90's had begun we hadda deal with the boys from EXCREMENT...oh wait...i'm sorry i mean EXTREME and their sappy syrup "MORE THAN WORDS" which was more than i could handle before the dramamine kicked in

unfortunately since the new millennium began there has been little to zero 

support fer brotherly bond'n duets that would be stuck in our anterior cingulate cortex of our noggin on repeat…that is until last years nauseous ejaculation of  "I'M AN ISLAND BOY"  heaved up by real life southern floriadian free-style'n tin foiled grill'n toilet bowl brush'n twosome FRANKY and ALEX VENEGAS though they're most notably known by their tough as talcum powder stage persona's KODIYAKREDD and FLYYSOULJA 

all i can say is WUT DAH FUQERY iz wrong wit youz turpentine toke'n 

tiktok'n teenie tater tots turn'n these twatwaffles into instant oatmeal celebs? i literally feel the need to run to CVS and slam a couple of clorox shooters and give myself a home lobotomy pubic perm every time someone sends me these links…just STOP IT!

i S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y weep fer the future of music

now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

SLAMMER GLAMOUR

leave it to 80's bad ass rocker MISS BENATAR to sum it up puuurfuckly

"cold hard labor...it's a labor of love

convicted of crimes...the crimes of passion

caught in a chain gang...the chain of fools

solitary confinement...confined by the rules"

who is one of the many deserved nominees currently in 2nd place fer the rock~n~roll hall of fame so help push her to the #1 spot by cast'n yer ballot here

everyone...well lemme rephrase that...those with a sense of unwaver'n

adventure that desperately wanna spice up their monotonous tic-tac-dull fornicational routine have always had a soft spot fer bad boys behind bars ever since hot to trot #1 bad boy JOHNNY DEPP who broke outta prison via a cute lil jazzy number in the 1990 twisted teen musically romantic comedy "CRYBABY"

bad daddy "Dirty Harry" who portrayed Frank Morris along with 2 of his butt buddies that broke outta the maximum security island in the prison drama "ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ" in 1979

and of course who can ferget throat plunge'n shake n baker CHRIS KELLER on the masturbatory prison fantasy series "OZ" from 1997 to 2003

hollywierd has made a cool mint from glamourize'n hard life behind bars

even some bad girls like the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR who basked in her own bad girl spotlight in the 1985 dramedy "DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN" as SUSAN THOMAS then again in 1987 as NIKKI FINN in the quirky off beat comedy "WHO'S THAT GIRL"

i can even recall way back in 2004 when i found myself as a recipient on the other side of the camera fer my very 1st ever bad boy glamour

 shots session that i take full responsibility for and ps kittens...the only thing hurt durin' this dreadful nite was my dignity and my pocket book...kapeesh! (click here fer all the sordid salacious deets) though i remember how i was absolutely unhappy with the 1st photo and put in a verbal request fer an immediate retake which the guard on duty granted...gave me a count down and to my pleasant surprise gave me that menace'n bad boy image i so desperately wanted to convey and when i uploaded my profile picture on gofuckyerself.com or somethin' like that...i was completely swarmed with requests to fulfill many twisted prison fantasies so of course i milked it fer as long as i could...why not!

i was even bombarded with twisted offers far and wide of putt'n a ring around my rosey and one that would even set me up in the best double wide across the midwest if i'd be their personal inmate date!

with his pierce'n steel blue stare no one milked their mugshot fer millions 

of fans and followers as well and more than former crips gang banger JEREMY MEEKS when he was arrested in a california sting fer bein a felon with a firearm and grand theft durin' the summer of 2014 however it was the authorities who he owes a bit of gratitude to fer turn'n his mugshot into his masterpiece when they subsequently posted it to facebook 

and kick started his career in the fashion and model'n world by 2016...walk'n the runways at NY fashion week in 2017 then again durin' Milan fashion week in 2018 fer Tommy Hilfiger which in turn turned Mr. MEEKS into a clothing line constructed after his bad boy image in 2020 as well as appear'n in numerous fashion mags thru-out his career include'n the boobtube and the big screen

BUTT that's not the end of it

JEREMY ain't the only fit felon on the loose...just a couple weeks ago 

across the pond in merry ol' England…37 year old burglary convict JONATHAN CAHILL from West Yorkshire broke the terms of his bail last september while break'n hearts all over the UK as a wanted fantasy to the rest of the desperate horny toads drive'n along the informational highway drool'n over his come fuck me eyes and sharp trick jaw...it got soo bad after police posted his mug fer help from the public to track him down that they hadda turn off the comment section since most were ready to leave their back door open hope'n fer a midnite break-in and a safe haven fer him to hideout thanx to his criminally good looks...though he was recently apprehended as this story went to post

nonetheless you can bet dollars to donuts it's only a matter of time now before the fashion houses of FORD and VERSACE bail him out...scoop him up and have him shake his money make'n mug fer SPRING fashion week in Milan

hey...it's been like 20 years since i took a trip to visit merry ol' England

i'm beyond the pond over due...however...if i would'a caught him...you can bet i'da kept him...now GET OFF MY DRESS!