mundane ordinary pedophiles i mean priests...places and thing-a-ma-jiggers...however in any BARNEY FIFE miniature metropolis you can always bet yer bottom bloomers that you'll bump into a one-of-a-kind RALPH FURLEY treasure or 2
take fer instance...my lil shit hole town...i mean my quaint lil shit hole town
where i spent a small portion of my pre and post ejaculatory existence WINONA, MN established in 1857 allegedly named after some native american princess who did a nose dive off a non saccrinated solid mass of mineraloid matter atop a massive mound of dirt molested in foliage completely unaware of the carbonite pit wait'n fer her down below that the town folk setup fer some indian named SKYWALKER but needed someone to test it out prior and unfortunately PRINCESS WINONA decided to become the test pilot on that fateful afternoon...
and is still encased in that carbonite to this very day...allegedly!
the other 3 gemstones that put my fair lil town of fuckery on the map was
the fact that hollyweird screen goddess WINONA RYDER was named after our sensible yet senile city
the best damn maple long john's on the planet are found at our lil bakery since 1924...not up fer discussion
(fuck Dunkin dickwads and Crispy crappers)
and of course thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe KRYSTAL KLEER also known as ME!
BUTT wait...there's more...
with mask restrictions lifted in almost every water'n hole around town
everyone is desperately die'n to gather together with their latest on-line STD to shoot the shit over a nice cold brewski or a pretty lil rimmed cocktail just like Jack...Janet and Crissy did in the 70's and 80's when they popped into their fav-o-rit corner bar "THE REGAL BEAGLE"
so it's only fitt'n that after a very long heel-less 23,328 non tipped hours
(that's over 2 1/2 years fer you non googlers)
my dimly lit spotlight will once again shine upon that glorious eyesore i call my hometown as i take to the stage as MC and perform'n host fer the 2nd annual PRIDE event at everyone's fav-o-rit lil corner dui destination located in blister'n beautiful downtown WINONA, MN saturday june 26th 2021 at the "NO NAME BAR"
i thought i'd catch up with the dynamic duo sibling owners and very close
personal stalkers of mine since the 80's CYNTHIA & BRIAN KNOUFT just to see how their artsy lil establishment of spirits has survived the worst plague...
since DEBBIE GIBSON's electric youth perfume!
how have things been fer you all ever since the whole COVID crap?
COVID was a real challenge for us and we spent most of last year closed. Even when we were allowed to open last summer we chose to remain closed because the case count was so high locally. Finances were a struggle but we were able to remain in the business with the help of the PPP program as well as local grants and low interest loans.
One can only assume that the whole damn panic over the pandemic
pretty much wiped out yer customer base...true?
Not at all, in fact our customers have been incredibly supportive during the pandemic by purchasing merchandise and drink chips while we were closed. When they've been ready and able to come back, we're often the first bar they've come to visit in a year.
have the town folk responded kindly after the state lifted it's lockdown
and the mask mandate?
people are excited to be out and about and it's been very good for business. Weekends have been busier than ever. The stimulus money has also been great for business!
what are you plann'n to help bring back the crowds of yester year and
will their be any big surprises to keep em tap dance'n til dawn?
Being primarily an event-based business, the shutdowns forced us to be a little more creative to draw new and existing customers in. We've upped our cocktail game quite a bit in an attempt to expand beyond just being a beer and shot bar. During last summer/early fall of last year we hosted a couple of outdoor music events (social distanced of course). Prior to the restrictions on live indoor performances being lifted we began hosting DJ nights every weekend. These have become quite popular and we've seen a lot of new faces-people who had never been to our bar pre-pandemic and are now just discovering us.
ummm and how excited am i to meet those incredibly amaze'n bands you have popp'n in "TIMISAROCKER" and "ALIEN BOOK CLUB"
along with ME thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe KRYSTAL KLEER as the misstressed mc/performer of this gala PRIDE event yer hold'n fer anyone over 21 on sat june 26th from 5pm til close with a $10 cover
and now we've come to my fav-o-rit part of the interview i like to just call
"can we talk about ME fer a change?"
basically what i want right now is fer you to bounce into yer best Barbara Walters blouse and ask my ANYTHING under the rainbow...well except about rainbows cuz that's just fuck'n lazy journalism?
hmmm...seems like we're have'n a lil testical difficulties...
come'on...LADY BUNNY LESLIE GORDAN and NELLIE OLESON from LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE had no difficulties ask'n me one!
tick tock tick tock tick tock...
hmmmm....okaaaaaaaaaaay...well apparently Jiminy ain't the only cricket!
so i wanna thank the fab owners of NO NAME BAR...CYNTHIA KNOUFT
and BRIAN KNOUFT fer take'n time outta their busy schedule fer this lil pow wow and fer graciously putt'n my A-double snakes back on stage to host their 2nd annual PRIDE event (click here fer all the info) hope to see you there kittens and don't ferget to bring ya holla's and ya dolla's cuz in the immortal words of one DOLLY PARTON...
"it costs alotta money to look this cheap!
HAPPY PRIDE on what ever...where ever...who ever or how ever you choose to celebrate it kittens!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
