NEW MEXICOMA pt.1

it had been some time since i decided to take a long ass pilgrimage

to the other side of the planet...to a place i would seriously never ever even consider to visit in a million...if it weren't fer the wine expertise of my absofuckinlutely fantabulous aunt Shirley and her equally absofuckinlutely fantabulous daughter and my saucy celebrity bitten cuz Shelly (yes...she was THAT GIRL in the open'n scene of PURPLE RAIN...deal with it!...i am actually related to a piece of iconic cinamatic rock history...don't be jell-o kittens)

anywho'zll'ding...i was give'n my walk'n papers at work so i figered...eh!

why not!...so there i was...folded up like some cheaply used but stylishly conscious foreign suitcase...trapped in the center square of an overloaded bloated bitch of a U-haul...much like the first hook'n gold digger of the united states...i'm sooo sorry...i mean M-E-L-A-N-I-A (to her pile of mentally deranged pig shit) fer the next 24 fuck'n hours i would come to find out...with my grass fed brother Erin and my kickass nephew Evan

we took off from the beautifully painful picturesque city of WINONA, MN...famous fer 3 things:

the fact that WINONA RYDER was named after the town...true story...i read all about it in my teen beat magazine back in the mid late 80's...

the best kept unfranchised bakery in the entire fuck'n world...BLOEDOW'S..the maple long johns are simply to die fer i swear to jesus crist on a flakey graham cracker crust...

and of course...ME!...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe

our destination vacation...Albuqurque, New Mexic...a foreign country

 well it might in the H-E-double hockey stix should be fer crimminy james...i felt like i was about to board the USS Enterprise and boldly goin where no unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe should ever go

after feverishly runn'n around all day try'n get myself together...

pack'n my bags with the must-have essentials... my body hugg'n unmentionables...

a tooth brush...to keep the shitter shine'n pearly white fer my aunt

 (she's a bit of a high maintenance kinda gal...but she's mine)

and a bottle of my best vintage cloroform jean nate after bath body splash...

to help lure a suitable contestant of course...to come on down...ON ME! (hey...don't judge..it cuts out all that worthless gibber gabber) plus...it's been like a 5 whole days...i've suffered enough! (ummm insert skittish laugh here)...the follow'n is the actual events that happened...

captain's blog...20:30 hrs central standard military time

there we were...off and runn'n...i knew i was already subconsciously regrett'n this trip

but to my credit...i made it a whole mile and half to the gas station...before my claustrophobic inclinations would kick in to high gear...and i would end up...ass up in the wind...ready to call it a nite...

hey...i can barely handle gett'n into my even'n gown (cuz you never know when yer gonna get snapped by the paps) just to drive to the grocery store...that's directly across the street from me!

2 minutes later i realized i had fergotten to pack my fav-o-rit highway heroin that i had already fergotten once...fer the 2nd time...so i sent in a request to my driver (formerly known as my grass fed brother who doesn't take requests) who said "2 tears in a bucket...mutha fuck it!...umm...esqueeze me...

BUTT...

do you not know who I AMMMMMM? (what does an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe have to do around here to get a lil attention?)

captain's blog...01:45 hrs into the a.m. Ames, Iowa

by day 2 we had FINALLY reached our first colonic break...

(cuz i was seriously ready to make a family sized meatloaf for 4) 

otherwise known as cornhole country of the midwest kittens...only 4 hrs in...and already my boots weren't made fer walk'n any more cuz my hooves had swollen to the size of a water buffalo

as my brother filled the tank and snacked on his gluten free...taste free...cancer free...tofutti grass shit...my nephew stretched to check out how many swipes he had left on his tinder account

i on the other hand...needed to be pumped and dumped on aisle 7...i had zero desire to crawl back into that damn satanic monstrosity of a mobile...but unfortunately...i was out numbered

captain's blog...03:22 hrs into the a.m. Gretna, Nebraska

i knew we had had a rough time this winter...but it was a clear starlit sky and all of a sudden we seen christmas lights flash'n behind us...

well i'll be a monkey's uncle...ain't this some fuck'n Roscoe P Coltrane bullshit...apparently my brother had switched lanes without signal'n... 

even though it was really.the wind that was whipp'n him around like a Dorothy in a twister

as he approached my side of the vehicle...blind'n me with his fleshlight

i noticed his eyes almost immediately...though technically we only hadda give him the driver's ID...all of a sudden...i became a damsel who wanted to be under arrest...so i gave him mine with no hesitation...he confiscated all of our identification and after a few short minutes...returned...lett'n us go with just a warn'n

HEY...i know my rights!...i'm entitled to ONE PHONE CALL and a STRIP SEARCH...and i ain't got anyone i need'a call!

tune in next week fer the continuation of NEW MEXICOMA pt.2

now get off my dress!

a TENSION TAMER

we've all experienced those...not so pleasant moments in life...

from time to time...when you wanna go ape shit on the next person who asks you to use yer inside voice when try'n to get yer point across

whether it be at yer family's gift exchange'n dur'in the holidays cuz yer parents never got you those cha cha heels you've been begg'n fer all damn year long

or when yer date doesn't return yer text in a timely manner...so you spend all day cook'n up a tasty bunny soup...even though he told you his wife was in a car accident and put in a self induced coma

or maybe it 's cuz someone brought you another damn green bean casserole to yer loved one's funeral luncheon

whatever the case may be kittens...take off yer temperamental tutu...cuz today i am sitt'n down with the perfect tension tamer to tame those restless natives dance'n around to that jungle music inside yer head

among her many numerous accomplishments from the big screen to the lil screen...today's special guest has worked tirelessly fer the past 27 years

as the break out star from the 1999 non heterosexual romantic comedy smash hit "TRICK" starr'n a sexually frustrated ivory tinkler...a hot to trot stripper and some annoy'n 90210 has-been...with the most poignant facial line ever used in cinematic history...that i unfortunately experienced literally weeks before i rented my VHS copy at my local blockbuster store

"ever get cum in your eyes Gabriel?" (and it does...no joke!)

in 2001 made a guest appearance on an episode of  the hit series
"WILL & GRACE"
(which...THANK CHER...it's FINALLY back on the air)

and then in 2003 as one of the headliners in this brilliantly hysterical bust yer panty lined comedies "GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS" that'll make you think twice about ever cross'n a queen

today's guest has performed across the globe from stage to screen

 and everywhere in between...of course i'm talk'n about the one and only Bronx beauty MISS COCO PERU

thank you sooo much COCO fer take'n time outta yer busy schedule to entertain my flock of kittens thru-out the globe...so let's get right to it...

you been slapp'n on yer very distinctively subtle war paint with yer 1st show "MY GODDAMN CABARET" in 1992 and have been travel'n the globe entertain'n the masses who sit on their asses ever since...tell us what can the audience expect with yer latest words of wisdom this time?

People who have seen the new show have been telling me how current it is and on point and that is satisfying to me because you always hope when you write that your stories resonate with your audience. Things are very tense right now in the world and I address a few things that have made me tense recently and try to work through it by sharing my personal stories and I think storytelling and taking the time out to gather as a group and connect is important to our sanity.

with yer brilliant series "CONVERSATIONS WITH COCO" where you've interviewed many great LGBT icons like BEA ARTHUR...JANE FONDA and most recently LILY TOMLIN that you taped for a series hopefully soon to be on television (that i'm glad i got producer credit for w/my donation) is there anyone yer really die'n to interview fer yer series?

I have interviewed both Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin so i would love to complete the Holy Trinity

 and interview Dolly Parton.

Of course Cher as well! So many possibilities, really!

you have a very distinctive and iconic look as perform'n illusionists go...i have always thought yer look was inspired by a 60's socialite party hostess...with yer appropriately cut dresses and yer equally distinctive sassy brassy Patty Duke flipped do...tell me COCO...do you ever feel pressure from dime store queens to change up yer fabulous firey flip?

YES! I address that very topic in my new show! Secretly, I think the other queens are jealous that I have a simple hairdo that requires very little work. When i created COCO I thought it was important to create a look that people would easily recognize and then stick with it.

with television and the internet bein' saturated with make-up tutorials and

shows like "RUPAUL's DRAG RACE" and "THE BOULET BROTHERS"

do you think that the whole art of drag...as it once was...has now become much too main stream and lost its intrigue and mystery it once had?

NEW FLASH! Everything changes! I love the Boulet Brothers, I know them personally and I think they have done wonders for nightlife here in L.A. and also, I love that they celebrate the freak and the grotesque. I have always said drag is so much bigger than what some people think it is. Still, there is something strange about drag going as mainstream as it has,

but at the same time I love that teenage girls and their moms bond over their love of Coco Peru looking for Tension Tamer Tea. I'll be retiring soon so at the end of the day I'm just grateful that I have worked for as long as I have doing what I love. It's a miracle! If I was going to take issue with reality TV, and this is true for all reality shows, it is that the audience sometimes make celebrities out of people who are "ordinary."

When i was young my role models were people who trained and had a craft, who had worked years perfecting their art, people like Bea Arthur, Whoopi Goldberg, Bette Midler, Liza Minnelli, Robin Williams, to name a few. When I created Coco I knew that if I was going to survive I had to work hard in order to win over an audience and gain a following. nowadays, just being on TV and being loud is enough to make you a celebrity and that concerns me. However, I've been working for so many years and I feel like I have had to figure out a way to fit into this new world and I feel like I do. I love my young fans and I appreciate their support and I love when they call me Aunt Coco and even Mom!

Speaking of things "that bothers me"...what would you like to say to that Melania gal if you were given the chance? (hypothetically of course)

I don't think I would say anything to her but maybe I would ask her questions and my first question would be, "Are you happy?" And then I would look deep into her eyes, deeply, and repeat the same question.

now comes the fav-o-rit part of the interview that i like to simply call... 

"can we talk about ME for a change?"

basically COCO...put yerself in yer best breezy Mrs. Walters smock

& put me under the spotlight by ask'n me ANY question that pops in yer mind under the rainbow that you want to know about me...from family/religion/sexpectations...i mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G...well except about rainbows...cuz that's just fuck'n lazy journalism

Hmmmm! You saw my new show in Minneapolis, so did it resonate with you and why?

i have to say...i have been bust'n my balls fer years (and really...i have...blue balls are no fun)...but more importantly...yer show has the brilliant blend of storytell'n with song...a roller coaster of emotions that brings you back to center stage...it taught me what it means to bring the "inner woman" in all of us...OUT!...

bein' thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am fer the past 23 years...it was beyond eye open'n...littered with many many hysterically move'n moments fer me personally...but it also had many tender moments that made me reflect on some of my own personal regrets from the past...a perfect blend like a pomegranate martini...with just a sprinkle of bitters but pack'n one helluva punch...it definitely made my nite...that i hadda hop a red eye to Oprahville and see it one more time...and you did not disappoint...(even with that self involved A double snake hole in the audience who was try'na make it all about him) it was a beyond an absolute pleasure to meet one of my icons in person...fer the 2nd time...even if i hadda lose a lil bit of my dignity fer pocket change in order to get a respectable photo that didn't make me look like a model fer cerebral palsy (ps...to any of my "sensitive" kittens out there...that's not meant as ANY sorta dig on the cerebral palsy runway models of the world either...so don't call yer state senators demand'n immediate action!)

i wanna thank thee iconic legend MISS COCO PERU fer pave'n the way fer so many girlie boys...you'd be an absolute damn fool to miss this experience! click here fer current COCO dates in yer city and do yerself a favor and just go!

if yer a twatter...follow her on TWITTER here
if ya wanna be her BFF...follow her on FB here
if yer all about the pix...follow her on INSTAGRAM here
if ya wanna watch the COCO experience from
TARGET to tension tamer talks...subscribe to her YOUTUBE channel here

now get off my dress!