NEVER NEVERLAND NONSENSE

picture it kittens...the year was the 1600's and oh what time it was to be

A-L-I-V-E....a long haired sour pussed smarty britches named ISAAC NEWTON earned street cred fer publish'n his book formulate'n the theory of gravity by gett'n knocked in the noggin by a macintosh fall'n from a tree branch above while frolick'n with his "special friend" (allegedly...don't go call'n yer state prepresentatives...do yer own research) by 1705 QUEEN ANNE of ENGLAND would knight him and SIR ISAAC decided to take his cousin Engelbert as his plus 1 to the queen's ball so you come to yer own conclusions on that one (hey...prove me wrong?)

a porgy prolific prodigian ivory tickler and ELTON JOHN's dopplegager

was born to Johann Ambrosius Bach and Maria Elisabeth Lammerhirt...by the 18th century JOHANN JR would pull a CHER all together by dropp'n his first and middle names only sign'n autographed 20x24 paintin's backstage as BACH as he raced up the charts with delightful ditty's like "MASS in B MINOR" "BRANDENBURG CONCERTOS" and the ever popular "THE WELL-TEMPERED CLAVIER" that made all the pleasant peasants go apeshit and faint in the aisles at his many concert appearances

and thanx to Massachusetts bein put on the map by JUDGE DANFORTH 

who popularized the 1st and the biggest outdoor fish fry ever fer all the town folk to witness durin' the Salem Witch trials though unfortunately would come to an abrupt end in the summer of 1693 much to the chagrin of the puritan right

BUTT it ain't all that bad in the end

some 400 years later...the SALEM WITCH TRIALS would get a rebrand'n

in a form simply called the "DON'T SAY GAY" bill thanx in part to this closeted sour pussed anal leakage and drag race enthusiast JOE HARDING who introduced the bill to the sunshine states legislation to stop the supposed insidious indoctrination of kinderbeaners thru third grade of which lipstick...base and eye shadow that goes best with their granimals

which unfortunately will most likely be signed into law by florida's very own medically lobotomized and diabolically unfuckable blow fish RON DESANTIS 

which would open the flood gates and give parents the right to micro manage what their kids are taught in school while they juggle their alone time between the gardener and/or babysitter also would give them the right to have a lil pow wow fer a lil cash cow with JUDGE JUDY if ANY teacher teaches their kids how to so much as stitch a lovely holiday table cloth with match'n napkins outta their dads old sadie hawkins gown

of course this only means that we can expect to hear an onslaught of the

  latest insane singles "jesus christ...you hit the wrong hole...again!" the low ball ballad of "puritanical pussy" and TGIF's boot scoot'n boogie dance floor crazy "2 holes in my bedsheets means it's gonna be alright" from every MAGA's fav-o-rotted screech'n cuntagious pterodactyl soccer mom C.L.A.P'n duo THE INGROWN CUNT HAIRS

thankfully brave students like senior JACK PETOCZ organized a massive 

student walk out at his school recently over this obvious draconian scare tactical witch trial which would only be used as a spring board to further strip non heterosexual students of their rights and their history beyond the 3rd grade that most likely would force them to get their education from gloryholes to GRINDR or hammers to Home Depot parades

and to comic queen staples like the incomparable MISS COCO PERU who couldn't be compromised or bought out by the almighty benjamin's by pass'n on perform'n fer the house of mouse after all that she's fought for durin' her illustrious career after the house of mouse who still funded the bill before come'n out publicly against it to save face and a large walk out 

to all those CASPER fear'n tin foiled cap spray can huff'n soprano howl'n

burnt water chef boyardee graduated battery acid big gulp drinkers and their worn out fried out type 1 diabetic scrunchied masengil meat flapp'n models LISTEN UP cuz i'm only gonna say this once fer the millionth time...

there is ALWAYS GONNA BE peter pansies...

tulip sniffers light in the loafers...

hot flash'n tool'n fools or any other ABCXYZPDQ+ out there all because of YOU so you have no one to blame BUT YERSELF...YOU PUT US TOGETHER by doin the hokie pokie with yer vomitusly sick perversional games

while burn'n out yer record player with the smooth cool style'ns of one BURT BACHARACH as a backdrop to yer retched fornications!

how is this insane barbaric bullshit law any different than IRAQ from push'n yer kids off some hypothetical rooftop?

non heterosexuals' WILL NOT FORCE yer child to do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G 

they don't want to do however they will teach them nothing short of how to make you look yer very best at bridge nite with the Bronstein's...color code yer livin' room arrangements that best compliments yer blouse all while create'n a beautifully bountiful chilled dinner delight fer yer party guests

so in the end...why not try redirect'n yer angry where it belongs kittens

 since you non homosexuals have cornered the market fer years with yer tv personalities...politicians...and pontiffs!

don't even get me started on IDAHO and TEXASSES!

with that in mind i must finally bid ado kittens...cuz it's hammer time!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

STICKY FINGERS pt. 3

it's still 1984 kittens and all the claws are out as a kitty cat cage match 

began between Alexis and Krystle over presumably the last long last'n extra super hold can of aqua net on the popular set of DYNASTY (i don't really know...i never succumbed to that maxi pad festival)

teenie boppers and zit poppers alike were twist'n in their parachute pants with all the drama trauma of try'na fit the next blocked peg into the hole before they hadda hand over the joy stick and get down on their buddies joy stick (as legend has it i heard)

a young 8 year old Miss BARRYMOORE was born to pull off pyrotechnics with just a simple psychotic stare

and MR JACKSON's jerry curled quaff goes up in flames durin' the pyrotechnics of a popular soft drink commercial (allegedly there's reports that DREW's whereabouts on that day in question have STILL gone unanswered after all these years...hmmmm...i'm just say'n...do the math!)

click here fer pt 1      and     click here fer pt 2

i could practically feel the virginia slimmed stench of Auhgra's breath

huff'n and puff'n down the back of my neck as it permeated the air all around me with a firm grip of her talon securely clenched into my shoulder lead'n me down the long florescent flickered hallway to my uncertain future as i'm sure i probably relentlessly begged fer leniency to no avail

more than i ever begged fer CULTURE CLUB tickets that year fer xmas

BUTT however...

my desperate plea's went unanswered as Aughra led me up the steps

to the hub of the eagle's nest where the foreshadow'n of the Orwellian book had come to life with the soundtrack sung by the incomparable ANNIE LENNOX of EURYTHMICS runn'n thru my mind 

as i witnessed first hand the multiple evil eye's scann'n practically every inch of the store 

what had seemed like a complete lifetime was more like some 10 minutes

 after call'n the authorities and without even offer'n me a tasty candied walnut salad with just a few maraschino cherries float'n in a dixie cup of cherry shasta to wash down my disgrace with some grace i might add...Aughra would swiftly open the door and exited without mutter'n a word to me as she barricaded me behind the door as i feverishly scanned the room to devise a desperate break-out plan

while i waited apprehensively fer Roscoe to show up and drag me kick'n and scream'n all the way to the electric chair

once we had reached the station Roscoe was the perfect host by come'n 

around to open my door...i felt like i was at the premiere of some hollyweird blockbuster fer a mere minute til i realized there was no paparazzi blind'n my vision nor any Miss RIVERS to ask me who i was wear'n that afternoon

as i sat in Roscoe's office nervously he had asked me if i had anything

to eat lately and as i lowered my head in a forlornly fashion he left the room fer a moment only to return with a paper plate of confectionary carnage and a cup of water (not Perrier unfortunately) nonetheless i couldn't have been a happier camper as i was parched

after choke'n down 2 delicious maple long john's from the best bakery

in town called BLOEDOW's (that was not a paid endorsement kittens...just a fact) he had let me plead my case how i wasn't steal'n the toy fer me but fer my sister then explained to me that he hoped this would serve as a lesson not to repeat it in the near future and all seemed to go in my favor until he said he had called my house which meant JOAN would have to come to retrieve me and i knew the shit was eventually gonna hit our rusted broken down fan

you would probably think that me bein the teen rage'n pre-unintentionally

internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i was that i would be the one with all the over the top dramatic antics however as Roscoe lead me outside of the station to await my impend'n fate i was greeted in the police driveway by JOAN and the priest from my parish as if they really needed to perform some sorta twisted exorcism on me or somethin' right then and there

are you S-E-R-I-O-U-S?

well needless to say that was the longest week of retribution i had ever

had to endure...1st by bein' forced to do a STFU Q&A powwow with my sibs at the kitchen table about the sticky situation i had gotten myself into...then to add hydrochloric acid to an open wound by weeks end i had to go into the confessional at our CASPER Crematorium of Unconsciousness Tenants where the same priest who was at my release party would ask me thru the barbed wired window if i had anything i needed to ask CASPER fer fergiveness for to which i simply told the truth...

"don't play stupid...i was there...you was there and i'm sure HE was there!" (and that is a direct quote kittens)

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

STICKY FINGERS pt. 2

it's still 1984 kittens and every ingrown cunt haired soccer mom and all

the house'n project princess's on the planet turned into either WENDY RICHTER or the FABULOUS MOOLAH in turn...turn'n their xmas shopp'n experience after their afternoon stories into a brutal world wrestle'n federational smack down at the first signs of snowflakes dance'n the jitterbug in december just to snatch up the latest MUST HAVE

TERESA ANN doll to put under the tree at christmas time to keep their lil puke buckets from dish'n the dirt to daddy when mothers around the country would take all those late nite after school "special"  drives to meet the principal at the no-tell motel next to the freeway off ramp in the next county over

a young girl from Michigan inadvertently gave herself a gynecological exam on the stage at the very 1st MTV awards show inadvertently cement'n herself as the undeniable QUEEN OF THE DANCEFLOOR

and horror fans everywhere whacked off to then weeped as the latest dreamy heart throbber received open heart surgery in his dreams thanx to some demonic slash'n surgeon...get a ticket to the catch-up train fer pt. 1 here

so said occupant of the west territory was a huge fan of MR. JACKSON

durin' this time period (hey the world practically was to be fair) and had gotten the other MUST HAVE doll as a prezzie that year

even though i was totally denied the MUST HAVE MR. O'DOWD doll fer the same reason (however don't fret my pensive pet....i would FINALLY own the doll fer my very own after 5 bidd'n wars on ebay 20 years later) so suffice it to say that after this injustice and after my Marilyn bible was blatantly pillaged i needed to prepare fer an under cover plan of attack after find'n a few mutilated pages lead'n me west of the wall so i hadda top secret meet'n with the head of my assailant's toybox 

as i feathered her hair and in my head she had spilled some top secret secrets and told me to get in contact with the basement brigade to help me with my full scale attack on all sides and though i had already found a trail of terror of torn page bits lead'n me to the assailants side…

i was runn'n short on time and wouldn't have time to search out the whereabouts of these soldiers fer back-up as i heard my assailant walk'n up the steps so i hadda do a judgement call after find'n a few crumpled scatterin's in the waste basket on the other side

and went totally Thomas Hewitt on the assailant's ass chase'n her outta the room then stumbled across her prized possession the Jackson doll and proceeded to meticulously snap the head and arms off one by one...

then hooked up the spark plugs i found in the back seat of Barbie's hot wheels and short circuited her transmission with MJ's lil silver glove

BUTT hold on to yer judgemental calls... 

well after all the back and forth breakdowns over the next few hours 

my conscious had gotten the better of me and i felt i needed to step up bein' the bigger brother so when the occupant of the west became transfixed on this witch doll i felt i needed to buy it fer her until i realized i was roughly some 70 cents short so as my sibs all left the store fer home i devised a plan b that was much less expensive so i nervously looked left...then right...then left again (thankyou after school cross'n guards fer grill'n that in my head) as i seen no humans walk'n up or down my aisle i quickly snatched this ugly witch doll off the hook and shoved it down my pre shrubbed snatch

utterly unaware that "BIG BROTHER" was eye'n me out from up above!

if i had planned my very first undercover breakout mission just a bit better 

i would'a remembered to fill my fanny pack with my BONNIE BELL limited edition camo war paint so i wouldn't be noticed as easily however i thought there's no turn'n back now since this witch was give'n me an itch in the bowels of my undergarments and proceeded to pep up my step to the store's exit have'n said that just as i thought i was goin to cross the barriers of this beauty and drug store and be home free

my 6th sense had kicked in and felt a presence behind me i hadn't felt since i knocked myself out on the tether ball in 6th grade play'n fag football on the playgrounds of Madison school nonetheless i was committed to right'n my half wrong at this point!

my heart was race'n as if it were in 1st place at the kentucky derby and my

mind was doin laps at the grand prix speed'n an insane million miles a nano second and i kid you not i was bein egged on or serenaded by MRS. BENATAR's "YOU BETTER RUN" over the loud speakers at that very moment as i thought i was in the clear unfortunately just as i was about to cross the outer limits of the store's pharmaceutical force field much to my surprise i would be snatched back by a well manicure claw from behind

i tried with every vain in my tiny frame to reason with this AUGHRA look'n 

anal wart who had bad bottled highlights pulled thru a cap of course as she clutched onto my left shoulder with a strong grip that of a bald eagle after catch'n their afternoon snack from a cool mountain stream as she marched me swiftly off down the candy aisle to the back of the store down the secret florescent lit hallways beyond the employee's only saloon doors and regrettably there would be no negotiate'n at this juncture in the road

tune in next week fer the very laughable conclusion to STICKY FINGERS

now GET OFF MY DRESS!