Monday, December 12, 2011

Dear Santa...a clause?

i was read'n over the new rules and regulations that you passed in the elf senate recently...
and i'd like to start by say'n...i am not too happy about yer "conditions and calculations" clause that states...and i quote

"if unforeseeable economical circumstances are foreseen and are not forecasted from the previous year...up to and including stock market crashes or wall street clashes...big bank bail-outs and political contributions from unknown contributors to block certain religiously political agendas...
then the trustee...known as the speaker of the house...known as the delivery person to the world...may then make any and all contractual obligations herein null and void until said situations are deemed no longer a threat to the bottom line of profitability"


i mean...i'm sorry about all the reindeer layoffs...some of yer elves loose'n their lifesave'ns due to that ponzi investment...and those unfortunate incidents involve'n Coach Comet that put shame on yer institution

but i'm not play'n any of yer reindeer games bowl full of jello shots...though i wish peace and good will to all those GOP assholes
up to and include'n all that other unattainable shit that goes along with all the tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la season'n...may i suggest somethin' to ya?

the hungry can starve...the homely can suck it...and the rest can go to hell!

this is MY blog and MY demands...i mean..."suggestions"...that i would like fulfilled as much as possible...or you can forget about Red ever pull'n yer sleigh again...cuz he'll be push'n up daisies instead...kapeesh!

here's a lil pic to prove i mean business!

now listen up!...this year i would like to forgo the embarrassment of open'n yet another regretfully wasted homemade or unthought-out present to me
as i am perfectly fine make'n myself look like an ass any time i choose!

do i need to remind you...that i have been a very good internationally unknown performing illusionist this year…as you may or may not already know...and as a result…i have attached my top 10 list and would appreciate the follow’n gifts delivered to my doorstep no later than 7 am christmas morn’n…

the new KING OF QUEENS coffee table book of Boy George
you may need to take out a 2nd mortgage on yer sleigh...but i'm so worth it...i swear to CHER!

Boy George given his US visa back for Culture Club’s 30th anniversary tour
so i don't have to sell one of yer kidneys to see him abroad next year

season 5 of “Dexter” and season 3 of “True Blood
hey...what can i say...i'm a non heterosexual hemophiliac fanatic

the Kardashian kanker sore klan kompletely kicked to the kurb
from any and all air waves and advertisements thru-out the world

Sandra Bernhard’s new cd “i love being me…don’t you?”
an added bonus would be tickets to see her in the big apple on new year's eve...and unless you got room in yer sleigh...i'm gonna need a flight as well...but i won't push it!

Rick Santorum and Michelle Bachmann given a complimentally home's like a home perm without all that messy odor and clean up
i just feel a make-over would make them seem less...oh can i put this delicately with the spirit of give'n in mind...ummm...fuck'n retarded!

Linda Lavin to sing me any of her fav-o-rit tunes of all time…
in my pinto blow about barely operational wheeley machine...why not!

backstage bartender on the new episodes of “ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS
hell i don't care if i'm their toilet bowl cleaner...i'm just glad they're back!

Madonna's calendar for 2012...i've bought every one since 1985
shut's my my piggy bank could use a break for a change

to be transformed into Joe Manganiello’s underwear fer a day
since i'm save'n myself and choose'n celibacy this celebratory season

see...not only am i think'n mostly of myself this holidazzle season...but i am also think'n of how others would want me to see myself as well...

if you were me

don’t fuck this up fat ass!

kisses Kringle xoxo

love Krystal

oh ps...and if ya wouldn't mind pleez...get of my dress!

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