Monday, April 30, 2012

DELA WHERE?...the F are we?

everyone has dreams...or hopefully has at least one....about thing (or things) they would like to accomplish before their ticker stops tick'n...known as...
made famous by Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman with the same name
(which never made my list...but i plan on see'n it sometime in the near future)

it usually consists of things like...either attainable...affordable and sometimes asinine stuff...but none the less...are yer very own accomplishments you want credit for doin'...before you kick the almighty can

recently...i received and accepted an invitation to fulfill an unknown wish from my BUCKET LIST...with 3 of my dear friends from my yester years...which...though i've never considered consider'n them as a "to do" list...i'm glad they considered...
my consider'n...have'n them being consired...KAPEESH?

so as i was say'n...i was forced by these 3...95% non homosexual perpetrators 
(don't quote me on that...just give'n you an average over all % assumption here)
Greta...Kira...and vaginal take a road trip with them to memorialize an even older friend…Sean Lee...who suddenly "kicked the can" the wondrous state of Delaware
turns out it was just Nebraska (but really…what’s the diff?)
i'm so glad to see those Nebraskians are look'n out fer my ass though!

as much as i love a good road trip...i’m just not good at not being good when a road trip reaches past the 2 hour limit i’ve limited myself to...and cuz i am still without child...i didn't wanna spend the next 7 hours feel'n like i was sitt'n at my cubicle with the desperado's of eventually my
 “dirty gurl” kicked into overdrive on the long drive maybe a bit much at times…(purely as a survival tactic of course kittens)
but i would eventually come off  my potty mouth once i got outta the automotive cage and was extremely grateful i got to see the old gang again...even if it was for a bitter sweet reunion

i was reintroduced to these fellers from back in the day...Mark and Alan...
nice guys...but i didn't press the nice guy reintroduction button in my i couldn't be bothered to remember my manners...
(don't worry...i wasn't shredd'n them apart or anything)...
but in the situation i was in...they might as well have been Meeshka the falafel vendor...and i just wasn't in the mood to try anything new at the time

UNTIL that is...the whole gaggle of us were sitt'n around in our very ill conceived conceptual bedroom at the shoe hotel from hell...(sorry...gotta get off the train track i was steam'n ahead on...fer a minute...and explain why we were stay'n at an ill conceived conceptual  bedroom at the shoe hotel from hell)

there was this cluster of old shoes and shoe stretchers adorn'n the wall as you climbed this "not so grand staircase" staircase...and as one would assume in this situation...a back story was needed as to why they were there..and though not sure who started the back story...but apparently...
some shoe make'n ferry would come in the middle of the nite to kill you and steal yer shoes cuz he or she was too damn tired to fix em (hey keep in mind...alcohol and possibly some illegal narcotics may or may have not been involved in this back story)

so let's get back on track...Mrs. "Who Cares...I OWN A STORE" Werner
came up with this concept and was christened by Mark...simply entitled...

now don't get this confused with that lil black book of names and gold stars you've been carry'n around in yer back pocket fer a rainy day...

oh no no no no NO!

this list basically is the anti BUCKET LIST...mean'n's stuff yer just NOT gonna f*ck'n do before you die! it ended up being alotta fun...and Mark and Alan were now worthy of my attention (ummm insert laugh here...i'm not being conceited...just convinced...again...HA!)

i thought about it long and hard (and NO i wasn't at the time...pervie!)
so without further ado... here is my top 10  F*CK IT! LIST :

10. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna bungee jump...EVER! don't ask me!

9. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna swim in the big blue ocean...
    as long as there are sea creatures in them

8. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna jump outta a plane...
    with or without a parachute...not on my life!

7. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna set sails on the mighty sea...
    i don't ever wanna be fish food...EVER!

6. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna feel scalpel to skin...fer vanity reasons
    Why Pete?...i love you...but it looks like you shoved 2 chipmunks in yer
    cheekbones and yer lips were stung by an army of africanized killer bees

5. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna get a pet snake....
    WAIT...let me clarify that one!

4. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna fake-n-bake my body...
    just to look like a baboon's's just not happen'n!

3. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna meet Marilyn Monroe...
    no matter how many ouiga boards i try and contact her on!

2. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna participate in the runn'n of the bull...
    i'm sure this guy wishes he had a V-8 instead that morn'n
and the numbero uno F*CK IT!...

1. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna eat sushi...EEEEW!...
      it's just sooo unnatural and me! (this does not mean i don't
      love the QUEEN any less)

there you have it kittens...this concludes my F*CK IT! list...fer now...make yer own unfun and unfabulous list...and F*CK IT!...get of my dress!

Monday, April 23, 2012

history has turned a page...uh huh!

there are many important "firsts" that we've read about in history class that will make you stop and think WOW...i wish i'da been there...but you weren't!

when we celebrate the unfactful discovery every 2nd monday of october
that Columbus supposedly was the first one on American soil in 1492

when George Washington became the first president of the US in 1789
only by default cuz the indians arrows were no match fer his gunpowder...
and as an added bonus...for his years of service...would be immortalized on the dollar bill...only to be stuffed into strippers fer the rest of eternity

brothers Charles and Frank Duryea...for invent'n the first gas powered car
in 1893...without consult'n their crystal ball first unfortunately...cuz if they had...they'da realized how their invention would contribute to a greedy war...insane gas prices and global warming...almost 120 years later

but in this this very moment in are an eye witness (whether you like it or not) to the highest grossing solo artist of all time...the most record sales of all time...the most downloaded singles of all time...the most #1 singles on a dance chart of all time...the most top 10 hits on the hot 100 list of all time...the most watched artist at the superbowl of all time...
and the most concert tickets ever sold by any artist...of all history!

the KING of Rock has been knocked out...

the KING of POP has been kicked to the curb...

those british bugs have been stomped on...

and is only 1 album behind the most #1 albums by a female artist in history

all by a midwestern gal with a dream...who would become...THE QUEEN!

MADONNA's catalogue of hits spans over 4 decades in the business

with the release of her latest...and 13th studio album entitled MDNA

MADONNA has no plans of slow'n down anytime soon by the look of things

i've followed her rise since '84...and will follow her until she's like...84

MADONNA has created and carved her image into a live'n icon known by all

MADONNA is one of the very few artists that have been able to substain a career that has endured 30 years and stay on top without bein' swallowed by their fame or their so many others artists unfortunately have

MADONNA has influenced and inspired numerous record'n artists and has never compromised her artistic integrity due to those who have critisized her
for not act'n her age and goin' against the establishments of society norm
MADONNA's superbowl performance was seen by 114 million viewers
the most views in the history of halftime shows ever at the superbowl game

MADONNA's "masterpiece" won her a 2nd golden globe fer the best song
in a movie...which she directed called "W.E."...about a passionate scandal

MADONNA has surpassed Elvis...Michael Jackson and the Beatles among many other great artists...with THEE most top 10 hits in billboard's history
and with only 2 songs released off her latest album that made it into the top 10 history books...there's many more amaze'n hits to be had off this album

MADONNA's 42nd dance hit to reach #1 on the charts is "Girl Gone Wild"

MADONNA has joined the ranks of many celebrity scents with the release of
her own fragrance...named after her smash documentary...TRUTH or DARE
with a clothing and shoe line under the same name...due out later this fall

MADONNA has the highest grossing tour ever for a solo artist in history...
and made history by sell'n more than 300 million records thru-out the world

MADONNA knows how to knock out the competion with just a 1...2 punch
her single "Hung Up" is in the Guinness Books for hitt'n #1 on the charts
in 41 countries...and her album M.D.N.A is #1 on iTunes in 40 countries

MADONNA's MDNA tour will officially kick off on may 29th in Tel Aviv
with 2 stops in St Paul, MN...Nov 3rd and 4th for the 1st time in 25 years
and will continue tour'n the globe until December Santiago, Chile

MADONNA is one of the hardest work'n women in show business today
who's managed to stay relevant by reinvent'n herself time and time again

MADONNA is a single mother of 4...a singer...a song writer & producer...
a musician...a movie star...a film director...a film producer...a clothing entrepreneur...a philanthropist...and the GREATEST ENTERTAINER IN HISTORY! (as far as i'm concerned kittens)

i have some MADONNA surprises up my sleeve...which i will reveal later...
this stay tuned kittens...cuz ya won't wanna miss out on this one!

so grab tickets to see a part of history in the make'n...and get off my dress!
sorry kittens...i hadda throw in one more...i just couldn't help myself!

Monday, April 16, 2012

ding dong...the WITCH is dead

which old witch?...why it's the wickedest witch of them all
no...not this beloved sinister spinster of our beloved yester years

i'm talk'n about this punk ass bitch who's witch hunt to try and eraticate any and all forms of non heterosexualism...frolick'n inside his G*D fear'n land
plus the unpractical use of contraceptives...unmoralistic fornicational pleasures...evolutionary fairy tales...or continued educational practices
has caught up with the Rickster and made him spontaneously combust!

just cuz this frothy fecal matter...sweater vest wear'n...J-man f*ckwad had 3 big wins durin' super tuesday and a couple more wins down in the ding-da-da-da-ling-ling states...he thought he was sail'n his superior ship straight into the oval orafice...but thankfully he hadda bite down on his cyanide pill
and unfortunately for his legion of pod people...this religious GOP twak-lick had to bow out of the ring fer a chance to duke it out with OBAMA this fall...not that he had a chance in H-E-double hockey sticks of ever winn'n
with this stupid PSA he had made to showcase his intelligence

i hope it wasn't somethin' i said...

actually's not the fact that Santorum hadda drop out this late in the game due to financial reasons that stunned me...but it's the fact that he got the chance to stay in the ring for this long to begin with

it shows how incredibly moronic a large portion of these evangelical cockroaches of this country...really are as dumb as the rest of the country thinks that they truly are by buy'n into this pompus pope's
religious rhetoric he was spread'n...instead of focus'n on more important issues like...oh i don't care...the hungry...the budget...ect

Santorum’s successful unsuccessful success is proof that a large portion of this country's population is a mad breed of bible thump'n cockroaches...not mad as in angry...but mad as in insanely ravenous bible beat'n cockroaches
like swarms of praying mantises who've let some higher power chew their think'n caps right off without question'n or condition'n the situation first

cuz the "ALMIGHTY" powerful wanted it to be that way as the fairy tale goes!

but i'm not here to gloat (*snicker*snicker*)...seriously though...we all know he would'a made this novembers election results look like another huge hiroshima happen'n in our own backyard...LITERALLY!

let's take a look back at the some of the funnier headlines that made our lil Ricky fall from the good graces of the G.O.D to the G.O.P graveyard!

Santorum comes from behind!

Santorum Comes From Behind In Alabama Three-Way

Piping hot surge of Rick Santorum spreading throughout Iowa

Santorum Blasts Obama During Cumming Rally

don't feel too bad fer this catholic clown though...i'm sure he'll bounce right back and find'n somethin' more fitt'n to preach his blasphemous beliefs
"would you like to super size yer beliefs with some sanctimonious sprinkles ma'am?" porky pig said every saturday mornn'n...tha...tha...tha...
now get off my dress!