Monday, July 29, 2013

NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!

"i work and work 'till i'm half-dead and i hear people saying..."
"she's getting old."...and what do i get?...
a daughter who cares as much about the beautiful dresses i give her...
as she cares about me....
what's wire hangers doing in this closet?"
"wire hangers...why? WHHHHHHY?
Christina...get outta that bed!"

there have been many epic battles of evil over the innocent thru out time

fer instance....
Vader vs Kenobi

Gargamel vs the Smurfs

Packers vs the Vikes

Salt vs Pepper

but no battle has been as epic or as evil as the recent one between...
North Carolina...and 

North Carolinians kitty cats 

apparently kittens...as of last week...the republiCANTS from the Senate
in this ding-da-da-ling-da-da-ling-ling state decided to be republiCANS and use their sneak tactics by not inform'n the public of their intentions and do whats in their best interest
(mainly to appease their G*D CASPER's rules no doubt) 

regard'n yer fallopian curly slide...to A-OK the new abortion laws...

which would see the closure of ALL but 1 clinic outta 16 in the entire state due to new abortion restrictions they've laid out

of course the blame doesn't entirely fall on the Senate...
cuz the House snuck it in under the radar by attach'n yer snatch cycle to a motor cycle bill without ANY public notice first

so why are these mostly middle aged non reproductive GOP'ers...
(and the unfortunate submissive "sugar walls" that support them)

tell'n you kitten's how to run yer reproductiveness...
and pretty much redefine'n what you will be doin with the easter egg in yer basket?

cuz what...back alley abortions are inexpensive and cost the state nothing?
a game of go fish to get rid of what YOU wish not to have is fun?

have'n yer belly used as a punch'n bag is more therapeutic?

but North Carolina is not alone...OH NO!


thing is...if you can ONLY dipense a pile of shit from yer orafice...
YOU SHOULD SHUT UP!...cuz yer pretty much just full of it!

and of course leave it to the EXTREME FAR RIGHT in North Dakota...

i mean...i've had more kids ripped outta me...than a preschool on fire!
well...that might be a bit of an exaggeration...i am still a virgin...after all!
(insert laugh here...or anything else fer that matter *snicker snicker*)
but you get my point dont'cha?
(text me yer number...i will call YOU!)
as long as yer in the contimental United States of the Middle Aged...oh... 
and a tooth chipper!

wait...i'm gett'n off track...where was i?...oh yea...

listen up you pasty white non reproductive GOP mother fuckers...
leave the playground if ya can't place nice...THIS AIN'T MY FIRST TIME AT THE RODEO!


if adopted children are the luckiest...cuz they were chosen...
and there is already an OVER ABUNDANCE of unwanted kids

then i say... 
and get off my dress!

Monday, July 22, 2013

D.O.M.A.-R-E-GOT-TA-GO

i think STYX said it best...when they said...
my heart is human...my blood is boiling...my brain IBM
so if you see me acting strangely...don't be surprised
i'm just a man who needed someone...and somewhere to hide 

summer brings all sorts of uncontrollable weather blockbusters...
from tornadoes
to tidal waves
heat waves 
to heat strokes

but nothin' was worse than the shit storm created by...

oops...i meant these SUPREMES...when they recently reviewed...


lock up yer children...pull down yer blinds...
and in the mortal words of Karen Walker...
"grab a bottle...hunker down and pray fer daylight!"
MN is only a few days away from ring'n in a new era of wedd'n bells...and thanx to the SUPREME COURT...so is California (once again)

and the list is only gonna get BIGGER kittens...trust me!

so lets look at the cast of characters in this years blockbuster failure...
"THE IDIOT WIZARDS FROM THE LAND OF OBSOLETE"

starr'n everyone's fav-o-rit tear jerker...
who spent over 2 1/2 million of yer hard earned tax dolla's...to defend the right to HATE those reproductively challenged kittens... 
(though trust me...just like the energizer bunny...they'll keep goin' and goin until they suc-seed) 
who are just try'n to do the chicken dance in their best pressed Gaultier suit and or gown...and the latest Prada slip on's...like everyone else...
don'tcha think he could'a found OTHER ways to spend YER change?
but luckily fer him...he found the courage to stop cry'n fer now and throw in the towel

and that delusional hunk of junk who clearly has no heart... 
but perfectly poutable pickle tickle lips (trust me...i've done my homework)
watch as this screetch'n pissy pterodactyl trys to get his point across...
instead of just live'n his miserably sanctimoniously religious marriage on his island of misfit beliefs...who you hope finds a heart before the movie is over...BUT with his panties all up in a bunch...
unfortunately this is the only way he knows how

and lastly and certainly the least of this outcast of characters...
is this pickled pin headed pariah...who's popped one too many Casper quaalude's...while try'n to sound like some intellectual crypt keeper...who seriously needs to stop redefine'n...
 the interpretational passages from his comic book...
 and take up where June Allison left off...
since he's full of it any ways!

instead of preach'n yer poison to anyone who'll listen...
in between bong hits...perhaps ask'n CASPER fer a brain might be in order

in short...ya don't wanna marry someone with the same tingly parts as yerself...simple pimple...ummm DON'T!...believe what ya wanna believe...but trust me...save yer money on buy'n any more preachy popcorn and smarmy slurpy of self righteousness at this blockbuster failure this summer...

so fer all those funnymentalist christchumps...

now PUHLEEZ...GET OFF MY DRESS!









Monday, July 15, 2013

a woman of 1000 voices

we've all heard them from time to time...
little voices in our heads compete'n fer attention

the devil on the left shoulder take'n control...
while the pansy ass angel on the right shoulder wants you to just do whats right...YA RIGHT!

have'n the options of many voices inside you...
can sometimes even snag you an Emmy fer oustand'n lead actress in a drama/comedy special

she's been referred to as "the woman of 1000 voices"...by someone (whomever someone is) with the most notable spot-on incarnations as MADONNA...CHER...Lady Gaga...and Winona Ryder to name a few...
Nadya Ginsburg is a force to be reckoned with!

hey Nadya...so i've been obsessed with you (in a non obsessive...non sexual way...sorry...i like the tooth chipppers) ever since i accidentally ran across yer videos on youtube a couple years back while i was search'n fer...
videos of a good friend of yers...one Miss Jackie Beat

co-create'n and starr'n in Austin Young's international cult webisodes of...
and a giant WORM...what i...like my litter of kittens around the globe...wanna know is...how did this all come about?

Thank you so much! The first thing I ever did in comedy was stand up in New York City, but after taking an Improv class at Chicago City limits I formed a comedy duo with Victor Verhaeghe who I met in one of my classes. Verhaeghe and Ginsburg made fun of modern life and pop culture so we did everything from playing Polish Ice Dancers to making fun of  Rent. That’s when I first started doing celebrity impressions. When I moved to LA to be on a sketch comedy show called Hype I met Jackie Beat who was a writer for the show at the time. Jackie wrote a parody of Madonna’s song Music and the video parody was the beginning of my Madonna impression. I met Austin Young at a Halloween party and he told me had a dream about
Madonna, Cher, Britney Spears, Winona Ryder and a giant, bean guzzling worm and asked if I’d like to get together and make some videos. That is how The Worm was born and where I picked up doing Madge again.
I was going to pitch a whole series based specifically around The Worm but no one was interested in watching a prime time romantic comedy about Rush Limbaugh.

Roseanne Barr says yer "brilliant"...and produced a web series that you've been featured in as CHER opposite Jackie Beat as yer son Chaz....
on her blog www.ROSEANNEWORLD.com...
has CHER blessed you with yer tributes to her? and also...have you ever used yer CHERNESS to  get a good table at any fancy LA eateries?

I’ve never reached out to Cher so no, no such blessing has occurred yet. I’ve also never used her name to get a good table at Sardis, but that’s because Cher hasn’t eaten since 1983.

yer brilliant parody of the QUEEN of POP...in yer one woman hit show...

garnered you rave reviews and has sold out thru out the US...and a lil birdie tells me you even surpassed yer goals on Kickstarter to star in yer own weekly webisode series of the same name...that i am even proud to say i'm an official backer to...(thanx to the shout out you gave to the Minne-Apple)
has the QUEEN herself been to one of yer shows to witness yer brilliance in person?...and when do you plan on bring'n yer madness to the Land of 10,000 Bottoms (oops)..i mean Lakes?

Madonna has never come to one of my shows but her brother 
Christopher Ciccone came last month and I was very proud to see him laughing. He was very sweet and very supportive. Via gossip in the Gay Mafia/Hair and Make Up World I am told that Madge has seen my videos. 
She had a contest for her Material Girl clothing line last year that she advertised with a short comedic video starring herself and Lola. 
After she released it, myself and Selene Luna
my some time comedic spit fire, partner in crime who portrays Lola in our video parodies were inundated with fans writing to tell us that Madge was copying our video Madonna and Child. So I have no official confirmation but I suspect the Queen has taken a gander of my goosing of her. I would LOVE to come to the Land of Many Bottoms this year but so far only have upcoming dates in SF on August 6th and Austin Texas on September 4th. Thanks for asking! buy tickets to my SF show HERE 

bein' the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist...
of my own universe that i am...i've pretty much turned my knee pads into gristle try'n to make a difference in this biz we call show...and i'm sure you yerself have had yer share of bumps and grinds thru-out yer amazingly incredible career...is there any advice you could give someone try'n not loose their dignity or get their hooves crushed by the front door?

My advice to anyone who wants to go into showbiz is that there has never been a better time to be any kind of artist. With avenues like YouTube there are huge opportunities to go above the heads of any kind of powers that be who are attempting to dictate what is marketable or acceptable. If you want to create something don’t wait for other people’s approval, create and get it out there. I’d also say focus less on being famous and more on honing your craft
When you put the cart before that horsey sometimes all you get is a big pile of horse shit.

not only are you a breath take'n comedic beauty...
you've also starred in "Adam & Steve" with Parker Posey...done voice overs fer Japanimation films...MTV animated series... commercials...and radio...
and you've also written fer comedic legend Joan Rivers on the Fashion Police...is there anything you would like to whore out at this time fer the rest of my kittens to enjoy...thru monetary value to you?

Thank you! Yes I was proud to sit in judgment on RuPaul’s Drag Race...
this year along side comedic vixen and home girl Deven Green and Bruce Vilanch for the roast RuPaul challenge, be handpicked by Will and Grace creators Max Mutchnick and David Kohan to play a pregnant slut Roberta Hochman-Klien on their CBS series Partners and this fall you can see me playing myself on Brody Steven’s Comedy Central show “Enjoy It” 
produced by Zach Galifianakis. 
Hope that was slutty enough. If it wasn't you can get on my mailing list HERE 

now comes the fav-o-rit part of the interview i like to call...
"can we talk about ME fer a change?"

this is how it works...in yer best Barbara Walters blouse...ask me ANYTHING you want to ask about me under the rainbow...well except about rainbows...cuz that's just fuck'n lazy!

I have a few, Ms Fever...
How did you come up with the name Mattress Fever?
WOW...Nadya...yer the FIRST to EVER ask me that ? (insert laugh here)...seriously though...it's an old family yiddish name from ireland...or that's what my hippy parents told me...and many many kittens still ask me if they are free love'n hippies...my answer is simply...my dad is dead and Mommie Dearest...well...you know how the movie goes...and PUHLEEZ fer the love of Jesus Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen...don't get me started on my sister Skarlet!

If you were playing EAT FUCK KILL with Cher, Madonna and Winona Ryder how would you proceed?

hmmm...this has to be done d-e-l-i-c-a-t-e-l-y if i ever wanna make a name in the biz of show
so with Cher...i would try and get her to go out to EAT...are there any tic tac smorgasbords around any more?
with M-Dolla...i'd holla...outta the top of her stretch mini coop..."FUCK ya kabbalalalaramadamadingdong rocks!" 
and with Miss Winona...i would KILL to have alabaster skin...you know they say black don't crack...but she's white..and that ain't right!...we're both garner the same generational letter...but that lady STILL looks like she'd be all...
 if someone tried to cut her off take'n her park'n spot when she goes out grocery shopp'n at the Piggly Wiggly...and ps...a lil history lesson fer you Miss Ginsburg...Winona was actually named after my home town of Winona, MN...true story...read all about in TEEN BEAT back in the 80's...(if Winona is out there in blogsville and reads this...PLEEZ CALL ME...let's get a BLOEDOW'S long john soon!)

Also how do you feel about hairy balls? Don’t let it sway you but I love them.

i've been to masquerade balls...debutante balls...
but never hairy balls since 1988 (ssssh!)...though they sound so very very 70's retro...maybe i'll have to give it a go once again!...nothin' says love'n like a lil floss with yer pickle tickle

i wanna thank the ever hysterically intoxicate'n Nadya Ginsburg...
fer take'n time outta her plethora of projects to chatter with my legion of non believable...unbelievable believers..so catch her whenever ya can kittens

if yer a twatter...follow Nadya on TWITTER
if yer a FB'er...follow Nadya on FaceBook
if you still have MS...follow Nadya on MySpace

now get off my dress