Tuesday, December 26, 2017

over it!

sometimes death becomes her...
and sometimes...it SIMPLY does not!
much like most of my feel'ns to give'n a rat's ass about gett'n romantically involved with any sane non heterosexual in particular...we've buried alot of very important things this past year
from democracy...
to decency

from the wonderful world of entertainment...
a 70's hearth breaker...to a 70's heart throb
a super hero...to a super freak
but most of all...the best damn neurotic hat tosser from the Minne-Apple

outside of all these familiar famous faces in the entertainment field...
this new crop of kittens simply known as the instant oatmeal generation...who've never broken a sweat to get what they want...thanx in part to touch screens and downloadable apps...we've lost sooo much more than just mortal stars...many many things that were once a useful tool...have fall'n off the face of the earth since this new crop of up and come'n kittens have taken over

the main one bein' the art of verbal communicado...
our ancestors spent thousands of years design'n and perfect'n the verbiage system into many many different flavors of communication...

but thanx to devices like the internet...call wait'n...text'n...
Helen Keller...
George Orwell's prophecy is turn'n the entire world into a huge pile of non verbal communicative paranoid mashed potatoes and take'n the brain work outta bein' human...fuck'n up millions of years of social interaction

i think Weeza said it best when she said...
"i smiled at the son-of-a-bitch before i could help myself"
there was no misinterpretation to be had then at all...but technology has turned societies up and come'n majority into lobotomized bags of unfeel'n fucktards by turn'n this lost art into a communicational cluster fuck of alphabetically coded messages like LMAO...LOL...TTYL...WTF? that their ancestors are left to decode

but also join'n them in the graveyard is...
the VHS tape along with their plugged in pimp machine that used them til they were busted and broken...murdered by those who were too unkind to rewind...so very very young...i hope yer happy!

1-900-phone sex lines that once helped pave the careers of many...
stay at home mom's and just as many unattractive out-of-shape homo's who built their self esteem up...
 by cut-n-paste'n some tall dark built grecian piece of man flap as their own...under the pseudo name of  Dirk or Dusty...or Mr.Pus...have been replaced by...
but on the flip side...
self esteem sessions and prozac prescriptions have gone thru the roof

hot spots like B. Dalton and Borders bookstores...
that once housed the latest and greatest novels by Jackie Collins or Suzanne Somers...
 which also had their very own built in meat-n-greet conventions thru-out the midwest and beyond...are no longer with us...
thanx to amazon.com...and e-readers...now all those married suburbanites have been forced to find online love that is not to be spoken of at the dinner table and forced to travel half way across town in the middle of a cold rainy nite to some desert highway rest stop to get any relief without repercussion

the hypnotize'n sounds of the constant click click click of  the cd cases...
 as you flipped thru row after row to find the latest or yer greatest musical act with KRYSTAL KLEER crystal clear quality...cover art and lyric sheets that taught you the correct pronunciations of the songs...so you didn't look like a total ass on karaoke nite...have been die'n a very slow miserable death...
thanx to these guys

what once gave us gen X'ers and those before us...
headaches after spend'n endless hours flipp'n thru the yellow pages (and i don't mean the ones that some wino wee'd on in an alleyway) try'n to decide which categories like pizza or porn were listed under...is no longer with us...
thanx to these bitches take'n the brain power outta the new kittens on the block

remember when the only way to pay yer mortgage/telephone/cable bills
 or that babysitter off with hush money...so you could get off...just to swing yer hammer and show yer almighty power if they pissed you off by place'n a stop payment on their ass...or that elderly incontinent parent marinate'n in tea rose perfume who sent in a yearly donation of $2 to whatever charity of choice...think'n she was pay'n fer front row seats into the kingdom of Casper...
 have been all but been replaced as a form of payment by these bastards for online payments

carpal tunnel was all the rage thru-out the ages...
thanx to all those hand written notes that once showed you cared enough to send yer deepest most inner thoughts by putt'n pen to paper and spend'n yer pocket change to purchase a stamp to prove you really cared whether it was regard'n love...sympathy or a simple "how ya been?"...
have been totally replaced by free phony forwarded messages of hope or regret on FB by people who've post the pass'n of a loved one...only to figer out if the 1000 likes were because they're sad or glad fer yer lose...and wrongcards.com 

so in conclusion kittens...though i may be age'n myself by complain'n...
about "how it used to be in the good ol' days"...by capture'n those kodak moments to last ferever...or til his cheat'n ass breaks yer heart and you rip him outta yers ferever...there are some advantages to try'n on these generational gap jeans...especially when it comes to premature age'n...
now i can always look like a filthy fetus with have'n to go under the knife!

now get off my dress!

Monday, December 18, 2017

a stocking full of coal

well...i wish i could share with you some absofuckinglutely nostalgic...
reflectional stories of my christmas's past fer this merried of holiglazed seasons...full of my aunt Orlene's embarrassment...(ps...i rarely give disclaimers...only cuz it cuts down on my merried of subscribers thru-out the globe...and perhaps...B-E-Y-O-N-D...but if yer read'n this from yer orifice computer at this time...may i suggest...minimalization may be in order)
while sing'n classic bombastic christmas carols around an open trash canned fire to all the homeless hookers down the street from me...(ps...don't say i didn't warn ya)
and unwrapp'n a twinkie i found hidden underneath my xxxmas tree
unfortunately...all Santa's been pull'n outta his bag-o-tricks is just a fuck'n box of inhumane bricks this week (but grrrrranimal right?...he can come down my chimney A-N-Y-T-I-M-E)

let's begin with ALABAMA shall we?...now just to set the record straight...
this has nothing to do with the fact that Dick Van Patten's doppelganger and the southern political underdog who won the special election by the hair of his double chinny chin
it's the fact that ALMOST HALF of the brain dead righteously retarded CASPER crusaders that voted in Sweet Homophobia Alabama...preferred a morally corrupt pedophile over a morally unreprehensible snowflake...
yea...well guess what ROY...FUCK YOU and that unfortunate horse that you cohorsed (see what i did there?) into lett'n you ride him in on...cuz yer dastardly power...is finally OVER!
next up...is about my 1st actual non sexual...sexually charged date fer the past 2 years...that i've been sorta crush'n on for pretty much the past 20...
well...needless to say...that's all that needs to be said...you can come to yer own twisted conclusions

lastly in enterpainment newz...THE LAST JEDI (say it ain't so...puhleez!)
now of course...i wish'd i could'a been there the first time around when those galactic words scrolled up the screen back in the 70's...but i hadda learn all about it in history class a decade later (insert laugh here) i know yer think'n to yerself...well...that just ain't possible!
that I...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...could'a been at the biggest open'n on the planet...even though when most people think of big open'ns...they think of me...so YES i was there...and of course...much like my supplely plump smooth-n-creamy white alabaster A double snakes...i hadda be at the last open'n
i waited 40 years for this...and i hadda mentally prepare myself for what i was about to experience
popcorn...CHECK
cocktail...CHECK
mini hamburger w/all the fix'ns shaped kleenex...CHECK
cell phone advert...advise'n the audience to shut off their cellular devices and enjoy the movie...(which i had already previously done prior to said anoucement cuz my fuck'n battery was already die'n...DAMN YOU VERIZON!) CHECK
and then it all began to come to an end...
fer sitt'n next to me was this millennial vaginal wart who showed up 5 minutes after the movie had already begun...with her tampon tag-a-long...both completely marinate'n in vommitous JLo GLO (don't' ask me how i know...i just do)...who most likely only came to the show cuz their brain dead penile implants paid fer them to get more culture in them to balance out their cottage cheese ass...so as they said their goodbyes to one another fer the next 30 seconds and turn off their cells...
i'd wished i'd worn my Victorian inspired hazmat suit like i had planned to...so i could enjoy this cinematic masterpiece...in peace

about 15 minutes after said vag warts sat down...i notice a bright flash'n 
light distract'n my left peripheral vision...apparently the meat wallet sitt'n to my left decided to "discretely" check her texts...you know...as if  yer damn TINDER match couldn't wait 2 1/2 hrs...i was about to go all Anal Annie on her ass...but i thought...HEY!...hey...calm yer tits down...there's other people in the theater and you don't wanna ruin it fer the rest of em...(like she was fer me) so i let it slide...that is...until 10 minutes later...
it was like my cornea's were gett'n seared by some pain in the ass cellular light saber...needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy at this point...cuz this stench trench was work'n my last good jedi nerve
only compunded by the fact that to my exact right was mr snifflelufagus...FUCK'N GREAT...i'm stuck in surround sound hell of rudeness...but i did my best to breath in...then breath out...this has to be the end...RIGHT?
the bowels of my inner'ds were turn'n outwards and bubble'n up like Mount Saint McClaine chatt'n with the nurse'n staff...but i did my best...that is...UNTIL...strike number three...by now i could no longer hold back my containment of contempt fer the cancoreous penis purse!
so i loaded my proton torpedoes....punched her with a left elbow hook to her esophagus and blew this inconsiderate cunt ruffle to smithereens!
then i walked out very gingerly with my inflamed cheeks shine'n brighter than Rudolph's nose and demanded a full refund from the manager zit cream on duty (and a complimentary massage from the popcorn attendant) hey i was there...you weren't

suffice it to say...i didn't get more than 30 minutes or so outta the whole damn show...so i can't really say much about it...well EXCEPT one thing...
MADONNA was unfortunately not cast in this intergalactic production...

morally not part of my story of course (nor condone'n it)...but i'm just say'n
we don't want history to repeat itself...SO TURN OFF YER DAMN PHONES when yer at the movies!

happy fuck'n holidaze...now get off my dress!
ps...i finally did revisit the theater the follow'n day with no Jlo Glo ho with in my tractor beam and got to see it in it's entirety...
PPS...i will save my cinematic review til after the new year you silly queer!