Monday, August 26, 2013

gett'n it all outta the BOXX

when i think of the #2
it takes alot outta me...i'm not kidd'n kittens!

the 2nd season is my 3rd fav-or-it of all 4 seasons...
but we ain't here to discuss mother nature...oh H-E-double hockey stix NO!

what i am talk'n about today is my fav-o-rit season...

hold on to yer poly gripped not so pearly whites...cuz today have i got a very special treat fer you kittens…fer i have none other than the season 2 contestant and quite frankly completely robbed of the 1st place crown…the exquisitely saccharinated...
Pandora Boxx

WOW Pandora…thanx fer take’n time outta yer hectic schedule to chitter chatter to my kittens out there that follow me religiously…from every corner of the globe…
every monday morn’n at 9 am central time zone…that’s 10 am on tuesday fer my Singapore kittens...or whenever i decide to get my A double snakes outta bed to post…so let me just get the A double snake kiss’n outta the way…i love you…i love yer music…i love you and yer music…you are one of my all time fav-o-rits from all of RuPaul’sDrag Races

can you tell my kittens what is was like behind the scenes with the other gurls on the show…and do you still keep in contact with any of the other performers?
Did you watch Untucked?  That's what it was like! 
Actually, there were lots of times we all got along but alas that makes boring TV.  I do keep in touch with a lot of the gals and I'm thankful for some amazing friendships I got from the show.

not only were you robbed (in my eyes) but you've made it thru the wilderness...
and have done much more ever since the exposure on RuPaul’s Drag Race…you've immortalized yerself in a video game...you've recorded 3 dance club hits include’n a remake of The Sun’s page 3 girl...
do you have any plans on release’n a full length 8 track tape of hits anytime soon? and also...if you could do a duet of yer choice…who would it be with?
If I do an 8-track it should be a polka one I think.  I don't know if I'll do a full album or not.  I guess it really depends on what the fans want from me.  
If I could duet with anyone it would probably be Carol Channing because that would just be camptastic!

i was never really a fan of the term “drag queen”…it sounds...oh how do i say this? 
old and ugly!

of which i am neither…i prefer the term “perform’n illusionist”…cuz you really are perform’n an “illusion” after all…i am the dirty gurl of the Minne-Apple of course...
and i was even christened the unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of my own universe by me...ummm cuz i can!
do you have any issues with the term “drag queen”? and what are yer thoughts of pageant queens vs comic queens?
I love the term drag queen because I think you can be anything you want under that name. 

every artist out there rips off is “inspired” by everyone and everything they see...
from Elvis to Enya or Marilyn Monroe to Marilyn Manson…
when yer in this bizness called show…regardless of the situation…
most recently the QUEEN was inspired by another QUEEN
i tell ya kitten...i mean the very second i seen her artwork…my musical cabinet file in my brain went off...but i'm sure the BOY is honored to have been the chosen one for a second time

so tell me Pandy (i feel we've connected enough now to say that…right?) 
who “inspired” you to become the loveliness that the world has come to enjoy?

So many great comedians, comedic actresses and entertainters influenced me...
to become Pandora...like Goldie Hawn, Madeline Kahn, Carol Burnett, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Lily Tomlin and the list can go on and on.

since most people think QUEENS think about nothin’ but themselves…i wanna show we do have a sensitive side to world issues as well…(just this once) and with the recent anti gay propaganda blah blah laws passed in Russia...which is just gonna be a cage match with the crowds when the Olympics arrive there next year…
what are yer thoughts about the non heterosexual situation in that part of the world?
It's completely appalling what's happening in Russia.  I have such empathy for the LGBT community there. It really is reminiscent of Hitler. I think we as a community need to do all that we can to show support and find some real way to help out our brothers and sisters.

a lil birdie tells me yer come’n to the Minne-Apple...with a cast of other beauties in

and i have to tell'n ya Pandora…yer perform’n in THEE best venue in town…i've graced that stage fer the "APRIL SHOWERS BRINGS BITCH FLOWERS" show fer the past 6 years...is this the 1st time you've ever performed in the Minne-Apple?
I'm super excited for the show in Minneapolis and it will be my first time performing there so be gentle with my virginity. 

outside of the Minne-Apple area but wanna attend the battle of these beauties on stage?...what'dya whine'n fer kittens?...just click here

and speak’n of putt’n a bunch of beauties on one stage at once …it can either be epic or an eye soar…i wished VH-1 would've done my repeated requests fer an all star 80’s DIVA’S Live show…starr’n Boy George…Madonna…Cyndi Lauper…Cher…Tina Turner…Pat Benetar and Annie Lennox…if you had the power to perform a DIVA’S live concert series with 5 other performers…who'd they be?
That's a tough one but I think definitely Cyndi Lauper (she's an amazing live performer), Dolly Parton, Cher, Kylie Minogue and Madonna.

now we've come to the part of the interview i like to call…
can we talk about ME fer a change?

basically you can ask me ANYTHING under the rainbow yer just die’n to know about me…and seriously…I mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G…(insert evil grin here)…well accept about rainbows…cuz seriously…that’s just bein' really fuck’n lazy!
Do you believe in unicorns?  And if unicorns disguised themselves as human beings who would be one?

well Pandy...my personal thoughts about the elusive and very magical unicorn is...
that they are very very mysterious and very very made up...
much like the years between january 20 2001 thru january 20 2009 

before we go…is there anything you would like to whore out to my stalkers litter?
you can whore out my new song "YOU SEEMED SHADY TO ME"

if ya wanna follow Pandora on FaceBook...click here
if yer a twatter and wanna twitter Pandora....click here
if ya wanna watch Pandora on YouTube...click here

i wanna thank the lovely and talented PANDORA BOXX…

now it's time fer me to start shine'n my heels...jack'n up my hair...and find'n somethin' supercalifragelistically sparkly to wear

so get off my dress!

Monday, August 19, 2013

market to market...again

so there i was...puffy eyed and barely hold'n it together at 5 am...after a nite out with a  friend...to catch my 6 am flight to Oprahville...fer the 32nd annual
 street meat festival market days in boystown

after the free complimentary frisk down at security...
which is always a friendly EYE OPENER (must remember to leave all basement jewelry at home...fer security purposes of course...insert evil snicker here)

by the time i made my way thru the gate...i was ready to get the party started...turns out...it would be 5 hours later than previously scheduled...
thanx to a malfucktion in Vegas i guess..oh well!

i figered this was a perfect opportunity to become familiar with my spankin' new cellular device...YES KITTENS...welcome me to the new millennium...
after 5 years...i decided to donate my dino phone to the island of misfit toys...and am now a somewhat annoyed parent to the smart phone...too bad my dumb ass can't figer out how to use the fuck'n thing...but since my A double snakes wasn't goin anywhere soon...i guess it's as good time as ever to learn

by the time i finally was able to board...i was completely bored!
and of course they would have to sit me next to some slug from meal-on-wheels who thought we could become best friends fer the next 59 minutes...ummm...WRONG!...i had already done my charitable act of the week!

as i touched down in Chi-Town...
i was in desperadoville and in desperate need of some HEAVY medication stat...and since i don't have ESP  i hadda rely on my GSP to direct me how to get to my friends...since he obviously doesn't realize that i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...and that i don't find people...they find me!


another good stalker friend  that i played naked "name that video" with eons ago...(why not!) met me at my friend Steve's work...since i couldn't be bothered to find another person after that treacherous bus ride thru the streets of murderville...thank god i had packed my kevlar vest...
so it was off to our fav-o-rit store in town...BORDERLINE'S

the mgr guy i normally hafta call bullshit on when ask'n about how good the quality is of his "unreleased" material from the QUEEN is...was pleasantly kind this time...then i figered it out...he had his "gun" set fer "stunned"...on my friend (hmmm...is there a way i can use this to my advantage?)
there is a new MDNA remix album that my piggy bank wouldn't let me take home...(but it would sound great in my pinto blow-about as i'm cruise'n down the highway at a top speed of 45 mph) i thought long and hard...but then i thought...of course i can...i've done alot worse fer alot less...and this can just be written off as a charitable act...since i didn't  wanna chatter with Jabba on the plane

so i pulled my knee pads outta my purse...gave them to my friend and set the egg timer...and as they went downstairs to check out the new "arrivals"...
me and the other counter helper chattered about this and that...and how his boss had NEVER done "that before"...
RIGHT!...and i am the queen of never-gett'n-laid-land!
10 minutes later...i had just added a new cd to my collection...and a new job description to my resume

later that day...my newborn electronical child was whine'n fer me to pick it up...but i had zero clue how to burp that damn thing...so missed call after missed call...i was ready to chuck the whiny fucker into the Atlantic river...
then i remembered...oh shit...we're not in Kansas anymore!

later we ended up meet'n up with another group of stalkers friends...
 to grab some nibbleys and non Russian alcoholic refreshments...
unfortunately...
 our waitress Lieutenant Uhura...decided to keep us refreshed but not full...and an hour would go by before we wondered about our order...and like any good waitress would...she blamed it on the staff...HEY...I WOULD!...so we left

afterwards we hit the street to see all the over priced crap that would eventually be dumped at some salvation army or throw'n into some shitty swag bag at some crappy after bar party later that even'n

then i ran into this vision of loveliness rock'n the peroxide and frosted lip...
she was soo Krystal kasual...or rather what i will be rock'n in 10 years time...i hadda get a reminder...though i would've had somethin' alot more dirtier to stick in my mouth besides the ass of a cigarette
pino-colda...why yes pleez!

the debauchery would end later that even'n at the lucky shoehorse...but i wouldn't be so...BY CHOICE!

we interrupt this non end'n ramble...to bring you this break'n story...
2 comic book crusaders just sat down next to me as i type this very heart break'n and important historical piece of misery at the library..and say to each other..."how are you today Mary?" Mary says "i am blessed how are you today Jenita?" Jenita says "i am blessed too"...Mary says "it's nice to have a blessed day isn't it?"
must remember to carry garlic spray on me at all times!

and now...back to the misery

so blah blah blah...we went to blah blah blah...and had some blah blah blah!

by days 2 and 3 (hey i'm all about minimalization this year)

 i was in need of some fab-u-4-less shoe therapy...so off to my fav-o-rit store
BEATNIKS...and there they were..scream'n fer me like they were being held against their will  like a prisoner  at Guantanamo Bay..."GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" they said in a loud shriek'n voice (or maybe that was me...in any case)...so of course...i hadda do some sorta covert operational mission with my piggy bank...but it was a success...
on my way out though...i could her a faint cry'n come'n from the corner...and it was these sorry ass slippers...FINE...get in the fuck'n bag already!...which actually worked out fine really...since i am in the middle of make'n a "TOP SECRET" coffee table book about bar hopp'n around town as a clown...SHHHHHH!
and the lovely assistant said she'd punch me in the neck if i wouldn't buy this plastic unicorny follicleness...that i so desperately and apparently needed...my piggy bank was headed to starvation central...but i didn't care...this girl had spunk...trust me...she's a good sales person...i'd hire her any day!

on the way out i seen this jaunty hat and flame'n locks...and thought...
hmmm...this would be perfect fer my some what good friend Bitch back home...but then i remembered...she never got me my damn flat screen yet...so she gets NOTHIN!

later that day was to be the 10,000 Maniacs in concert...
 
but since i heard Natalie Merchant wasn't with them any longer...i thought why bother? so i didn't

and of course i somehow missed WILSON PHILLIPS...
 guess they'll have to "hold on" fer one more day...FER ME!
i also missed...AARON CARTER? (ummm...who cares!) ...i would rather stick tooth picks in my toe nails while drink'n DRANO shots to be honest!...this is no reflection on how i feel about the guy though
but i did manage to get a glipse of Wonder Woman belt out a tune...before my urge to purge was in full force and i needed some spirits to lift my spirits stat!

later that nite at SIDETRAX i did run into half of 80's euro band...
(and as you can see...i don't wear my sunglasses at nite...so a certain latino kitten or anyone else with their fascination with me and my sunglasses...can get of my dress!)

the nite ended with a splash...make'n a mad dash from bar to bar...
and as i walked home to my friends house...an escapee from some asian munchkin land strolled by in his not so tightest whitest...after pick'n up his moo-goo shit fer a late nite snicky snack...unfortunately...2 blocks later some coco queen would try and put him in his birthday suit before he would spew out some ancient chinese voodoo curse at her

by day 4 i was ready to pack it in...since i hadn't to ANYONE yet!

SHIT!...break'n story again...SERIOUSLY?...Janita says " thank you for my blessing earlier...i bless you as well and hope you have a blessed weekend!"
Mary says 
"thank you for blessing me...you as well have a blessed weekend!"
JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER CRUST!...
I'M BLESSED...YER BLESSED...WE'RE ALL BLESSED!
but can you PUHLEEZ get yer koom-bi-ya A double snakes outta here already?...i'm try'n to tell a meaningful story here

now where was i?...oh yea

as i hopped the L to the burbs to my other friends who were graciously will'n to put up with me fer the next 7 hours...i had my last chance on the train to romance at the next stop...and i wanted to get off...well since i hadn't...
but i decided after a text i got from some miscalculation back home...i decided to contain myself...
plus i didn't wanna hafta thumb it home...

cuz i know my deliciously good nazi taco friend Vicky was about ready to make me

so there ya have it folks...i left with my purity shield unbroken and my dignity in the dirt!

until next week...get off my dress!