Monday, October 29, 2012

HUMAN i am


i am HUMAN

do you like constitutionally scrambled eggs and spam?

could you put them
on yer plate?
would you take them 
on a date?

i would not like them
on my plate
i would not take them 
on a date

would you invite them 
in yer house?
would you introduce them 
to yer spouse?

i do not want them
in my house
i would not introduce them
to my spouse
i do not want them
on my block
i do not want them
for others to mock
i do not like constitutionally scrambled eggs and spam

would you eat them
in yer truck?
would you find someone 
of the opposite sex to f*ck?

not in my house
not with my spouse
not on my block
not for those to mock
not in my truck
not with the opposite sex to f*ck


you may like them
you will see
follow our path
for all of eternity!



i do not like them on my plate
i do not eat them with my date
i do not want them in my house
i do not introduce them to my spouse
i do not want them on my block
i do not want them for others to mock
i do not want them in my truck
i do not want the opposite sex to f*ck
i do not believe i will go to hell
i do not wish you nothing but well

so you mate yer way
and i'll mate mine
and everything...trust me
will be just fine!

it's right around the corner...
don't say i didn't warn ya

be nice and VOTE NO! twice...november 6th on the marriage amendment and voter id
if you vote YES...kindly remove yerself from my life...and puhleez...get off my dress!

artwork by Karen McCauley

Monday, October 22, 2012

welcome to the Wonder Room

kittens…it’s only weeks now til the nite of all evil is upon us

today we’re talk’n with the one and only…and personal artist to the “stars”…and by stars i mean this unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of her own universe…Tony Larson
who took time outta his busy schedule to have a lil pillow pow wow with yers truly

so Tony…I’ve known you fer years…almost too damn long sometimes when I think about it…didn’t we meet at some downtown club…i think I was doin’ crack on the dance floor…oh CHER no…i mean show’n kittens…SHOW’N crack on the dance floor…and you were a spinn’n sensation at the place called the GAY 90’s wasn’t it?...can ya tell my kittens out there what this dj thing is all about since some of them may not be aware that it even exists?

I always loved collecting records. My first was the Electric Moog Ochestra version of the Star Wars soundtrack
I got for my fifth birthday right after seeing the movie.

Then In 3rd grade I brought my Kiss and Pat Benatar records
to school for show-and-tell

The teacher let me play a few songs for the class…my very first DJ gig…Miss Floody was a really fun teacher. Then in my teens I discovered the awesome record shops and underground dance music events happening in Minneapolis.
I was hooked on the electronic dance sounds and took the next step to mixing my own sounds, working my way up playing early evening cameos and late night slots at various clubs and after hours events throughout the Metro area 
so that's how the name DJ Etones was born. You can still catch me spinning sets around the Cities so stay tuned.

yer such a multi entity of untouched talent that needs to just jihad yer artistry in everything possible through-out the world

i’ve worked with you on many projects like starr'n in yer critically unacclaimed masterpiece "Mommie Queerest" that debuted at “April Showers Bring BITCH FLOWERS”…as the subject of intrigue and fantastic desperation in  “KRYSTAL KLEER: Behind the Beauty” and as the bored housewife for the fabulous beverage enhancer “DOOSH-A-WAY”...i swear…yer like the Alfred Hitchcock of the minne-apple…can ya tell me Tony…what gives you the drive to have such a fantastic imagination come to life?...and also how it all began?

Thanks Krystal! I fell in love with movies at a young age and being particularly blown away by fantasy films 
like Star Wars and The Wizard of OZ.

After seeing a documentary about the Special FX of Star Wars I had early dreams of doing my own FX and movie magic.

I grew up in the Northern MN town of International Falls, 
home of Tammy Faye Bakker of PTL fame.

I passed the long winters shooting my own short videos directing family members and neighborhood kids in various horror, comedy spoofs and music videos.

During high school I studied photography, film and video as a hobby. Then after taking a break to do my dj endeavers I returned to my love of film and attended the Cinema program at MCTC in Minneapolis. Since then I’ve had the pleasure to be working with some great local talents on some fun and creative projects.

recently we’ve collaborated again graphically on a very special event called “M” come’n soon to a CAMP near you…what was it like fer you artistically to work with such an unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of her own universe
on such a grand event that's been 25 years in the make’n?

Working on the M event has been a fun trip down memory lane
taking me back to the Summer before 10th grade when I was lucky enough to see Madonna play St. Paul during the ‘Who’s That Girl Tour’… 
my very first concert EVER! It’s been really fun to revisit all my favorite Madonna songs, looks and videos through the years. Check out my video commercial for the event here.

and now it comes to my attention that you’ve partnered up with the popular informational highway site called ETSY.com…which sells artsy crap from a bunch of nobody’s to a bunch of nobody's
and Rosie O’Donnell...thru-out the world

i’ve been privileged enough to see these gorgeous glass globes of amaze’n artistry up close and personal... i’m sure ya started it cuz rent was due…but besides that…can you tell me what inspired these magical mini worlds to come to life?
I had been experimenting with creating various miniature landscapes for FX shots on a few film projects while I was in school. I started the Wonder Room as a way to take my mini worlds to a platform that can be enjoyed by everyone. My main inspiration comes from films, story books, found objects and suggestions from friends and  customers.

what are some of yer more popular requests?...and have you had any issues with the “dead beat dads or moms” out there? (hey my line of question’n does not discriminate…i’m no fan of cheap f*ckers…and they come in all shapes and sizes…creeds and colors…with or without plumm’n)
Yoda and Star Wars are the most popular requests. 

One of the coolest requests I have gotten so far is for a Vampire bat. The customer wanted me to do whatever I wanted so I decided to make a scary cave to house the bat. 
It’s been very fun making it and can’t wait to get it shipped off so they can enjoy it for Halloween.

Thankfully all of my experiences with the Etsy community 
so far have been great and I can’t wait to get started on pieces for my Winter line

well…that is just complete gravey train Tony…looks like you pounce on anything artistically creative fer a pretty penny and worth every penny i might add…thanx fer take’n time outta yer backed-up orders to chat with me…i’m glad everything seems to be work’n out and i wish you much continued success with ALL of yer future creative endeavors…if you’d like to see more of Tony’s creations and perhaps purchase a one of a kind keepsake…fer christ sake…pop on over to THE WONDER ROOM…tell Tony i sent ya…he won’t give any sorta discount that i’m aware of…just tell'm i said hi

now comes my fav-o-rit part of the interview…where you Tony…get to put me under the heat lamp and cook my brain fer a change…so ask me ANYTHING you’ve always wanted to know about yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of her own universe…under the rainbow…well except about rainbows…that’s just fuck’n pointless…we all know what they are

Since it’s the Halloween season… besides Carrie, which I know you LOVE. What are some of your other favorite horror movies you would recommend to scare the pants off your readers?
Elizabeth Berkley in SHOWGIRLS...it was the most horrific and gruel'n performance ever by a saved by the bell alumni...
she made Freddy Krueger look like a fruitcake with a bad attitude 

so until next time kittens...get off my dress!



Monday, October 15, 2012

WTF?

due to a malfucktion a couple weeks back...i lost it and went all ape shit on my own ass fer a change after hours of work...accimentally hitt'n the delete button (where it ought not to be in the 1st place) after od'n on a barrel of red bull

so let's now join today's ramblin's already in progress...shall we

ever have one of those days when you just wonder...WTF?

WTF? situation #1
Honey Boo Boo

i recently just heard all about this Honey Boo Boo phenomenon

i initially thought it was some sorta domestic abuse situation...
brought on by some back water trailer park Clampett family 

but she's just some pint sized princess...barely knee high to a pigs eye...
WTF?...her bank account is bigger than my ego!

didn't we learn anything from Jon Benet?

turns out though...fer bein' a terror in a tiara...Honey Boo Boo of  former "toddlers and tiaras" fame...made herself  into her very own spin-off

plus...she loves her uncle Poodle

though i have no plans on download'n this program anytime soon to rot my think'n cap...H-E-L-L-O POODLE...can ya throw this single dog a bone?

WTF? situation #2
Sarah Silverman

this Jewess SNL graduate from the 90's and many other things since...
has never shied away from a thing...and her razor sharp tongue and cheek thoughts...cut right to the bone of yer chinny chin chin

watch'n politics on my understated console tv...fer me...
is like watch'n Britney Spears try'n to give advice on a talent contest...a slow painful train wreck

thankfully Sarah pulls no punches with big political words...
she makes it easy fer even the 47%...like me...to understand WTF is goin' on with all this "voter fraud" in her best yet PSA brilliance

those that don't vote this nov. after watch'n this...cannot bitch!

WTF? situation #3
Ted Haggard

i was in uptown over the weekend...it was approximately 3:30 in the mid afternoon…i was wear'n a very understated mock turtle neck in lavender...
wrapped in my 100% cotton lime green hoodie from the Gap...a pair of well worn boot cut levi's...in black...my brown tattered cap adorned...
with my "get outta jail" Boy George pin

and my new shit kickers that were kill'n my feet...but made me look fabulous

i was walk'n by some thai restaurant...chatt'n on my dinosaur flip phone...
try'n to hire some hot muscled up shot boy (well 45 year old man at this point...who'm i try'n to kid)...and YES this is really him


WTF was this fall-from-grace to his knees-to-please some penile pensioner
preacher doin in uptown?...the winds were outta the north 5 to 10 miles per hour that day...and i don't wanna start any rumors...but trust me when i say...ol' Teddy was "outta breath"...grinn'n in his linen...i'm just say'n!

WTF? situation #4
Madonna

so it was a sunny afternoon a few weeks back...when i had alot to do

i got a "viewer discretion advised"  phone call outta the blue...from someone i met months earlier...want'n to do some  Jane Fonda work-outs with me...
so i thought...WHY NOT!

trust me...you'da said the same thing if you were me

(those non homosexuals with weak stomach's may wanna sit this part out...scroll down to the *asterisks* and we'll pick it up from there...
KAPEESH!)

buns so tight you could bounce a whole roll of quarters off of em
(these are stunt gluets...but pretty damn close to the actual ones)

when he arrived...there was no time fer small talk...
well cuz there's nothin' small about him

we were huff'n and a puff'n...not a care in the world...and trust me...
he was ready to blow my house down

as he assumed his fav-o-rit position...i put on my rain coat...
and the sweat started pour'n like a monsoon in may

seriously kittens...you'da swore it was a full moon...
cuz i could not shut him up!

everything was goin exhaustingly well...that is...until...
i punched into Charlie and the Chocolate factory

hey accidents happen...so instead of make'n him feel like crap (since i was now marinate'n in it) i sent him off to soak in some calgon's cool bouquet fer a minute or so and then it was right back where we started from

round 2 was goin perfect...UNTIL...that is...i was back at Charlie's
WTF?...i mean as hot as this guy is...i shouldn't have to be punch'n into this kinda work on my days off...just 7 1/2 minutes later (hey i was watch'n the clock...since my egg timer was broken)

so again....off fer quick birdie bath and we were all good

i was all set to pay my tab and get goin...but he begged...and i figered...
fine...yer my charitable act fer the week...and 3rd times usually a charm...
HA!...does NO go with WAY?

he finally put his sky rockets in flight...but there would be no afternoon delight fer me that afternoon...and fer once in my life...i didn't give it a second thought!

HEY...i'm a g*d damn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n
illusionist of my own universe...i shouldn't have to put up with this shit!
am i right?

by now i know yer think'n...what's Madonna have'ta do with all this?
follow along kitten...i'll get there...i 'm just report'n the events that unfolded that day...my way

besides...i'm tell'n the story!

*(hey non heterosexuals...glad ya could make it back)*

after rearrange'n my DNA with some jean nate' after bath body splash...
i hopped aboard the metro transit to the uptown area to pass out the flyers to "M"

1st stop...RAGSTOCK...where i was verbally molested
by some J-man freak with bug eyes!

i swear...i thought i just stepped off of the bus...and stepped into
it went somethin' like this...

J-man freak: "can i ask where are you from?"
me: "UR-ANUS...you?"

J-man freak "Anoka...what is that you have?"
me: "flyers...i'm host'n the OFFICIAL MDNA TOUR EVENT @ CAMP in St Paul"

J-man freak " what's that?"

me: "a bar in St Paul...it's to welcome Madonna back to MN after 25 years"
J-man freak: "i WILL NOT be going to that!. (slight pause)..would you like eternity with JEEZ-US?"

me: "OH MY CHER!...hell to the NO!"
(seriously kittens...i thought he had his finger on the trigger)

i handed him a flyer and left...and though i never looked back...
i'm pretty sure he spontaneously combusted!

f*ck!...that's one less at my party now...oh well

so whether yer a good freak or a bad freak about Madonna...
she seems to bring out the freak in everyone!

so get yer Madonna freak on and go...
or get off my dress!