Monday, July 16, 2018

Rotten to the Core pt. 3

i can here the echos of one Miss Lisa Stansfield...belt'n out her tune
"been around the world...and i...i...i...i can't find...
MY S-A-N-I-T-Y!

seriously...

NO...I'M SERIOUSLY...

and now the torturous conclusion to: ROTTEN TO THE CORE

experience'n all my new 1st's...after 72 long hrs...i needed a break today...
i was in zero mood to serve anyone...let alone by someone that had served over a million...but this WAS NOT the kinda meat i had in mind...i just wanted to meet a potential honest to goodness waste of my time host with the most understand'n of what i had just gone thru...that i was even will'n to pay fer them to lend me their ear fer a couple hours while tool'n thru the city's many nooks and tranny's...but with mother nature bein' murderously muggy that day...heat'n up like a presidential investigation...
it was all i could do to not stop myself from drown'n in another hopeless puddle of "earthy delights"

since 3 is my lucky number...(by choice...no reason)...i popped on line...
to phone a potential mistake that could take me outta my mind fer a period of time...on my dime even
BUTT...of course
wouldn't ya know it...all ANYONE could think about was gett'n the best bang fer their buck...and i get it...if yer the "fresh meat" in town...who wouldn't want to be pounded into ground round by thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe?
though i might'a been in the mood after the sun goes down...i was in zero mood fer some drippy...tawdry "afternoon delight" production at this moment in time...cuz my sky rockets weren't in any sorta mood to be in flight...anywhere!

it felt like i was a fuck'n contestant on some damn 80's game show...
though trust me...even though every "connection" that i was offered...(and there were alot of em i must say) there would be no plausible Chuck Woolery moment to "flick my bick" into someone's "hope box"...if they couldn't...at the very least...entertain me in the public eye 
before their "wife" Ralph came home from a difficult day at the park

i finally found some prick who didn't "dick"tate to me his laundry list...
of pulsate'n pleasures online...that needed to be completed immediately...so i jumped outta my rental bed by 1pm after waste'n all morn'n just try'na cool off...while gett'n all hot and bothered...turns out...my 36 yr old brazilian 6'3 giant of devilishly delishousness was a bartender at one of Coop's longtime x butt buddies bar... 
and was gonna be stay'n at STING's pad while he was on a yoga pilgrimage with Trudy and Deepak Chopra in Budapest or some shit like that..."allegedly"...of course who know's if any of this was actually the truth...but it didn't really matter to me though...i finally found my tour guide fer the afternoon...and just so he wouldn't think he had one over me dropp'n names...i told him i had my own roster of richy rich's i work for...
i'm Madonna's clairvoyant calculator (hey...you don't know if that ain't a fact jack!)

with the temps skyrocket'n...my giant...hmmm...let's just call him...ummm 
T-O-N-I-T-E fer the purposes of this finale...(above pic is a stand-in as not to expose his ego any more than he had already done with me) was spritz'n like a lawn sprinkler in the Sierra and wanted to run home fer a quick change...and who was i to say no (insert evil grin here)

trudge'n up 6 flights to his lair....it wouldn't be more than a mere 5 seconds
inside...that his clothes would eventually evaporate in front of my very eyes...and even if i could appreciate his David Blaine pony act...(and trust me...i can handle a tooth chipper...but my throat is no one's storage cellar) he wanted me to disappear inside him...
but not in a Jeffery Dahmer way...just so we're clear kittens!
you do the math (insert *wink*wink* here)

2 hrs later...i found my way back to the Ritz in Hell's Kitchen and met up 
with this absolutely delightful NY Quentin Crispish staple fer a lil chitter chatter that i had met thru the crowd the night before at the saloon on 9th...but after a quick cocktail...it was finally time to head to the whole reason i came ot NY in the 1st place...
to see MISS KATHY GRIFFIN spill it all @ Carnegie Hall...and trust me...it was well worth the price of admission and all the hell i...like Kathy herself...went thru...to make it to this juncture in the road...i don't wanna give ANYTHING away since she's still on her WORLD WIDE TOUR...
all i'll say is...our mentally deranged corrupt lie'n sack of baby pig shit...IS STILL JUST THAT...& MORE...along with his brain dead lobotomized cuntruffle'n followers!

3 hours later...as much as i wanted to say goodbye properly to the city...
i absolutely adore...my hooves were barely keep'n my stable...and i knew it was time to pack up the nite...so i text'd my host and headed back to pack up my miserable memories...in case he was worried since i hadn't texted him all day...then all of a sudden...my cell phone died as i waited fer his response while walk'n my A double snakes all the way home...
 
lil didn't i know...once i reached my destination...that i would have to be negotiate'n my entrance like a terrorist to the very place that i still had one more damn nite that i had already paid for in full...
all cuz he decided to have a lil menage et trois with some "friends" who were audition'n fer the very off broadway show of some "highly" influenced non heterosexual production of "break'n bad"
WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY NOW?

it was nice that he gave me a couple of options...though at 12:30 at nite...
i was in zippo mood to play "let's make a deal"...so my options were either #1 join in...or #2 sit at the bar fer an hour so they could finish up with auditions...never mind the fact that i had held it fer the last mile walk and really needed to do both #1 and #2
i opted to say goodbye to the city my way...and an hour later i got the signal it was ok to return...know'n full well...i would never return to BNB world on any furture solo vacations...and to make matters worse...
their try-outs last'd til the rooster crow'd around 4:30 am...suffice it to say...i was not a happy camper know'n i would barely sleep a wink before it would be time to skiddaddle to the airport

check out was 11 am sharp...but trust me...i was up and out by 6 bells
and off to the airport...reminiscence'n thru the last 4 days i just went thru...feel'n like a member of the lollipop guild...1 and 30 minutes later i would arrive at the airport 4 hrs early...and made sure the BNB got a full earful and demand'd my money back fer the last day at the very least since i was locked out...to which they obliged me

what's the moral of the story you ask?...welll...sometimes it just ain't worth
pinch'n pennies or you'll get pinched!

now get off my dress!

Monday, July 9, 2018

Rotten to the Core pt. 2

i swear to fuck'n CHER...that anytime i go on a temp vaca all by myself
it always ends up somehow as a demonic twisted and tawdry saturday nite special from satan's lair...that i never really wanted...nor cared to star in...so before you go any further kittens...get yerself a ticket to the catch up train fer a quick flashback to where it all began in pt. 1 here...before you pull outta the station

are we all on the same page now?

well...buckle up cuz it don't get any better i'm afraid...kick back and pop a prozac and enjoy the torment'n continuation to: ROTTEN TO THE CORE
i finally landed with all my senses in tact at Laguardia airport...look'n impossibly fresh faced and innocently naive and gitty...like a young fantastically spastic Valarie Bertinelli (hey i'm tell'n the story...so put that finger of judgement where the sun don't shine)

i contacted my bnb host as to the quickest (and let's be real...CHEAPEST)
 route to get to my temporary palace and he informed me unless i packed my broomstick or ruby slippers...that the best mode of transportation would be a shuttle to port authority cuz he was blocks from there and it would be approximately 40 min...
hey...i may be a bit anal...but i work best on a time table

little did i know...i was gonna be accompanied by a gaggle of castaways...
that i just wanted to cast away from my shuttle...goin on a damn 3 hr tour practically around the airport and then the city (well it was only 1 1/2 hrs)...but you feel my pain...don'tcha?

as i was the 2nd to the last bein dropped off...i took a deep breath and
 finally deshuttle'd at the port authority and text'd my host Elliot (fer security purposes...Elliot will be played by hollyweird heartthrob Matt Dillon...well cuz he had that Dillon villain quality about him...you'll understand soon enough) plus...after my russian host had canceled on me with no reason a week before i was to fly out...Elliot was the perfect runner up...looks wise anyways...cooooome on...it's shallow...i know...but you live fer it!

so he texted me to walk 6 short blocks and i'd be at his place...ya right?
S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y...does he not know that i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...where there ain't nothin' short about the blocks in NY...plus...i already had completed my calisthenics before i left the Minne-Apple
i mean...i wasn't expect'n Morgan to meet me at the port authority...but would'a killed Elliot to meet me half way...that's all i'm say'n!

by now it was almost 10 minutes til my next nervous break down....
so i dropped off my shit as we gave each other the proverbially welcome'n shoulder hugs and crotch tugs...then it was off to his friends bar directly across the street so i could drown myself in my ritual cosmo and endless banter and bullshit with the locals...
this would continue fer the next 5 hours and some countless minutes after the next...from bar to bar...east of Hell's Kitchen to the West Village...and of course bein' my 1st time in the BIG APPLE fer PRIDE...i expected it would be packed as all H-E-doule hockey stix out...with the many different flavors of faggotry and faggotry hagess's...
but with the high humidity the city was experience'n that nite...it was more like sweaty salami and sardine city

by 2:30...Elliot ran into his x at whatever bar we were at...where i wanted 
to seriously barf...not cuz of the booze intake mind you...but cuz of the bad stench...we're talk'n vomit valley...so decide'n to call it a nite...we all 3 skipped to my loo...to my new boo's bunker...well...cuz nature was call'n me off the hook fer like the past hour or so...and i wasn't about to take a number in line at the bars...when i was about ready to drop a couple of em off myself!

back at my home sweet home...i was ready to bust like a baboon in june
little did i know that once i pulled up my culottes and returned to the mini party in the other room...that i would be give'n the chance to audition fer the apparent stage production of breaking bad!
WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

i was sooo damn tired at this point...i wasn't in any mode to point the finger of judgement at anyone...let alone my host and his half naked henchman
i just respectfully declined and started count'n sheep in the other room with one eye open and dreamt of some sugar daddy that would take me away from all this by morn'n...unfortunately...it would never come to fruition

by morn'n...i contacted my fav-o-rit filthiest bitter blonde and international
 youtube sensation MISS SHERRY VINE...(who i once had the pleasure to work with years back in the Minne-Apple at the Varsity Theater in Dinkytown and a moment in time i shall never ferget...now that i wrote myself a lil note here) to find out when and where i could catch one of her many PRIDE productions and was told to meet her at Intermezzo...so i wrapped my freshly showered nubile body in a simple full length Gaultier knock off from the bottom bins at the salvation army...
but quickly found out...i was just a bit over dressed fer the PRIDE weather when i got outside that morn'n
once i rearranged my DNA from the puddle i had become...i made my way to the SHERRY show...and trust me...she DID NOT disappoint...like so many others pretty much everyone i've ever worked with in the past back home

after the show...i met a local on the street who was put under a spell by...
 the billboard that i was apparently display'n on my noggin...and he'd become my partner in crime fer the remainder of the day...into the wee hours of the morn'n
it's always nice to get serviced from the boys in blue...
and of course no PRIDE would be complete without a visit to where it ALL began!

my day was full of 1st's...my 1st trip to the Chelsea Piers...my 1st PRIDE parade in the Big Apple...my 1st throat plunge'n proposal in some seedy bathroom bar in the West Village...my 1st attempt at gett'n pick pocket'd...
all the 1st's i'd always never expect'd...but glad i got to fulfill...unfortunately though...the ONE crucial 1st that i really deserved...and longed for...was never delivered in today's episode...
so i'm sorry...but you will not be hear'n about me sail'n away with some all mighty seaman/semen (explore the possibilities with that one on yer own) or swabb'n some almighty deck/dick (here we go again)..and though i still had 2 more days to fulfill my 1st's (well on this trip anyways...don't judge kitten!) i thought i could end it here...but i just can't cuz there's sooo much more...besides...i'm famished...and i ain't gett'n paid to write this shit...so come back next week fer the annoy'n conclusion to: 
ROTTEN TO THE CORE

now get off my dress!