Tuesday, January 16, 2018

OBSESSION

the one hit wondrous band from the early mid 1980's...ANIMOTION
penny loafered hand bag Calvin made both dick weeds and douche hags marinate in his putrid fluff since the 80's
and anyone with a tv tray and a swanson dinner that included a beautifully displayed hot cherry compote fer dessert was C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-L-Y obsessed with who shot Major Anthony Nelson dur'in the 1980's
of course the only thing that i was obsessed with in the 80's was all about...
the BOY and the QUEEN
(of course...it's calmed down over the years mind you...but nothin' ain't change'n with that anytime soon...so put that in yer FYI files and smoke it!)
but fer a moment in time...this past sunday...somehow i was obsessed...
NO...obsessed is too simple and obtuse of a word to grasp the full concept of my presence that even'n...i couldn't believe the presence of our lil purple paisley one...who chose to sit...all alone...under a cherry moon...oh...and block the Saints when he could...NO NO...
i was POSSESSED like a shark to a bucket of chum...durin' the last 20 seconds of the Vikes vs Saints game...i can't even explain how it all happened...cuz trust me...the only time i'm watch'n a group of guys in tights...sweat'n like a bunch of banshee's on barbiturates...grabb'n fer each others balls...
well...you get the picture kittens!  
but the BIGLIEST...most obsessed O-B-S-E-S-S-I-O-N-I-S-T of all time...
hmmmm...perhaps Fuckface Von Clownstick outta obsess more about other things like:
i don't know...maybe Puerto Rico...which the Fraudster of Fifth Avenue gave himself a 10 outta 10 fer his administrations response...even though there are still millions without the basic necessities...like electricity and accessories

 or maybe this mentally deranged Adolph Twitler piece of dinosaur dung outta think about help'n the nation out...AS A WHOLE...
and perhaps bein' less of a fucktwat that's obsessed with use'n all his characters on TWITTER every 30 seconds...(which we all know is highly impossible fer this barbequed brutus) while make'n his daily big mac meatloaf offer'n to the porcelain god
to make his pointless point...that just make him sound more like a modern day Nelly cunt ruffle anyways
thankfully there's people like Anna to set the record straight

now get off my dress!

Monday, January 8, 2018

the secret ingreedients

when it comes to suffer'n fer the sake of the bake...
Betty Crocker is right up there with all the fake bakers thru-out the land

there's ALOT to be said about expensive tastes when it comes to
just desserts...fer instance...the NOKA chocolates...made from the finest of pedigreed cocoa beans...hand plucked by many Peruvian whistle children of Borneo...from the highest mountain tops of Ecuador...Venezuela and Trinidad...can set ya back over a cool $850...PER POUND!
i'm sorry...but the only cocoa i'd be dropp'n that kinda benjamins on is one Miss Peru
(but no more than $85 w/a meet & greet and perhaps a complimentary "paddy whack" from the barback...in back)

if chocolate ain't particularly part of yer palette...maybe perhaps
a golden opulence sundae on a saturday nite from New York's Serendipity 3 restaurant might make yer taste buds dance until dawn...cost'n you a pretty hefty handful of pennies...10 million to be exact (that's 1000 benjamins fer you slow pokers)
but if i'm gonna spend $1000 on somethin' opulent...it ain't come'n in a glass bowl...it'll be come'n on my face

perhaps choke'n down on $14,500 worth of mouth water'n artistry...
complete with a bejeweled 80 carat aquamarine and served with a side of mango and pomegranate compote...is more bang fer yer buck...you can purchase this sweet treat at the Wine3 Fisherman Stilt restaurant in beautiful downtown Sri Lanka...tell em the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe sent ya...ya might get a discount...ya might not!
of course personally...i think yer better off sign'n up fer dance classes at the funny farm if yer gonna shell out those kinda coins fer some confectionary delight

but the pinnacle of pastry perfection to wet yer whistle will set you back
just a measly $135,000...or lack there of in this case...and you can find it in the wetlands of...Gresham Oregon?
well that's only cuz of these 2 CASPER crusade'n crocodile tear'n crustaceans tried use'n their "religiously held buffoonery voodoo beliefs" to regretfully make cake...
fer these 2 love'n pie-eat'n parents of 2...who were plann'n a wedd'n 4 days after it was legalized in Oregon back in 2014...just cuz Aaron decided this same sex couple were "abominations" and that is a direct quote he told one of the the mothers of the couple who returned 2 days later to reason with these religiously rectal wipes

the cankerous couple tried desperately to contact their voodoo...
voice of reason...unfortunately...CASPER had other pressing matters to worry about...
like whether or not Paris Hilton really was the reincarceration of veteran caricature actress Joan Van Ark at the golden globes last nite...
or whether OPRAH has a snowballs chance in H-E-double hockey stix to defeat and humiliate #45 for the WHITE HOUSE in 2020 (if he ain't been locked up by then)...so their annoy'n calls went straight to voicemail and were never returned... 
if there is a lesson to make from this very expensive lesson kittens
it's this...make'n the fuck'n cake or post a sign in yer windows that states yer a total lobotomized  cherry-pick'n asswipe...it'll make it so much easier on everyone else in the end...kapeesh?

now get off my dress!
ps...my good friend and co-partner who gave me my first taste of fame in the late 80's with our band ASTRO PUSSYCATS...Dr. Bob...made a kill'n between both online and in person benefits from his house fire on NYE morn'n...over the weekend...haul'n in over a hefty $17g's in 5 days...so thanx fer all who helped him and his fam out


Monday, January 1, 2018

the last EH!

it has been a long enough time ago...in a theater not so far far away...
so if you haven't seen the conclusion to the most talked about trilogy x3 (also referred to as milk'n a dead horse) in the universe of film by now...well then fuck off and go before you read any further...

bein' one of the originals that actually seen THEE original with my dad...
 and 5 sibs at the time...back in 1977...all i can say from what i don't even remember from that time period any longer...outside of the few remnants that i had managed to save in my desk at school a couple years later...was that this was thee most imaginationally magically delicious film i had ever witnessed in my life...and still to this day!

though i can say...after see'n the finale fer the 2 1/2 times...it's s-o-r-t-a
grow'n on me...but lemme start with the coolest visually stimulate'n character in the entire film...and this petrified apricot leader with an attitude of the unexplained First Order...WAS NOT it!
although...i did quite fancy his imperial chamber...it had this sorta ala galactic kool-aid blood clot motif thing happen'n...which was very minimalistically slick and presentational...
think Ming's palace...without all that clutter
no...the 1st new character to command my cornea's attention was his eye popp'n Praetorian Guards...decked out in sleek cherry red armadillo armor...ripped right off the runways of fashion week in Tatooine (i can only assume)...with it's peek-a-boo side slit to show off those match'n shiny patent PETA approved knee high gogo boots...
made their functionality envious of all other guards thru-out the galaxy...especially their distant cousins...the Royal Guards

award fer the most annoy'n waste of screen time goes to...
 these bloated weeble wobble rats with wings...sold to the audience as Porgs (or more appropriately titled "design us somethin' we can market to milk the parents of all those lil whiney basturds that'll go apeshit over them") i don't think i need to inform you that they were just a complete waste of technological magic
sorry Charlie...but yer only spinn'n crap outta gold...no matter how hard ya try

after 40 years of fly'n from planet to planet thru-out the galaxy...
Skywalker goes from dream date...to undominant daddy...seriously?
after he checked into Shady pines on the breath take'n and majestically beautiful island of Ahch-To...you'd think he'd kick back and relax by the Ahch-To sea sipp'n on sangrias and solve'n galactic crossword puzzles...but OOOOH NO!...someone needed to check their attitude...along with their cape...at the door...Luke was such a crotchety colostomy bag thru-out this film...
but...in his defense...i guess you would be a pain in the light-saber to deal with to if you hadda depend on yer turtles in waiting constantly serve'n you a metamucil martini...when you know you specifically ordered a manhattan on the rocks

and believe me when i say...i'm all about memorable corny lines ...
from intergalalatic space chatter like  "will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way? (among many many others)
but that whole "can you here me now?...i'm on hold" bullshit between Poe make'n a person to person  intergalactic ship connection with General Hux durin' the first 30 minutes of the flick...try'na just stall fer time so the Rebels could jump into light speed...gimme a fuck'n break!
that's like discretely try'n cross sell MADONNA's new album when you find out that she was originally supposed to be Kylo Ren's love interest on the planet of Jakku...hey...she's just a hard work'n mother of 6...
work'n hard for the money!
and speak'n of Kylo Ren...who knew what was underneath all that evil apparel...grrrrrranimal!...he's all so grrrrravy on my mashed potatoes!...call me anytime Kylo...i'm wait'n!

i'm all about a gal try'n keep up appearances with a new galactic quaff
 every now and then...to feel fresher than an Ewok on Endor and all...
(stormtrooper) BUTT...
H-E-L-L-O...where in the sam H-E-double hockey stix did Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo find a QVC on Gatalenta with L'Oreal #34 Lavender Bliss?...cuz i could'a swore i read somewhere that the Imperial Senate banned all chemically enhanced pigment sales since 3653 BBY (that's Before the Battle of Yavin...do yer research kittens!)...and besides...
she just looked like Effie's aunt from the Hunger Games...AND...not to mention...
all i kept see'n the whole damn entire time durin' the duration of the film was Dr. Ellie Sattler...thank LEIA...she finally jumped into light speed
(and trust me...it wasn't soon enough!)
as far as make'n it a family affair...i get it...sorta...(i really don't)
but it was awfully nice that Miss Fisher could pull some strings with the force to get her daughter in the film...but what's up with that name...Lieutenant Connix?...quiet frankly to me...she just sounded more like an STD...and ok F-I-N-E...i get the homage to yer mother's iconic cinnabuns from the beginn'n of the franchise...but come on kittens (wait...no don't actually...that's not nice) that's just a sloppy beauty school drop out style at best...cuz they're more interested in who's hitt'n em up on Tinder/Grindr durin' hair & make-up

and as much as i luved me some Leia through-out the entire series...
(and i truly did) when that ship...MC85 Star Cruiser...that she was try'n get to the closest galaxy gas station before they stalled in space...ended up gett'n blown up by storm troopers...cuz her son Kylo lost his evil balls...Leia was the only one to survive the destruction as she floated thru space like some intergalactic mary poppins...to the new ship because of the force?...ummm...if that's the case...
then can someone explain to me why oh why did poor Obi Wan die when he was sliced in half by Vader 40 years earlier...hmmm?...what...was the force a bit prejudice against raisin ranch'n hermits perhaps back in the 70's?

of course there was plenty of staple fight scenes of good versus evil...
though visually stimulate'n on the big screen...the battle of Crait...where Luke succumbs to the same faded demise as his jedi master Yoda...
is completely blanketed in salt...seriously?...Leia can survive float'n in space without any sorta breath'n apparatus...(thanx to the force of course)...but the force couldn't save Luke from breath'n a highly toxic sodium intake?...you wanna hide out in a planet full of salt...then you check with yer doctor first...that's just a simple pimple tip from yer unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own galaxy!
btw...i do totally wanna own one of these crystalline wolf/fox/dog/linx thing-a-ma-jiggers though...i mean...why not!...they were pretty cool

all in all...i was glad i went to THE LAST JEDI...notice i said G-L-A-D...
 i'd be an idiot not to...unlike the prequels when i actually was...and of course i will buy the dvd just to complete my collection

to sum it up...the franchise will never end...now that the goddamn
 mouse house owns it...let's just hope that they don't bastardize thee entire galaxy fer US originals (and YES it's ALL about US who were there from the start)...i'm sure the follow'n one will be called somethin' like:
STAR WARS: HEY GUYS...COME BACK...WE FOUND ANOTHER JEDI
i am ABSOLUTELY psyched to see "SOLO" next may...but if they fuck up my grade school crush...i'm out!

now get off my dress!


ps...a good friend & genius puppeteer who's entertained countless kids thru-out the mid-west for the past 20 years from high school (and his kids) lost everything on NYE morn'n to a house fire...if yer a great supporter of the arts...Dr. Bob would be beyond grateful...thanx!
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