Monday, December 26, 2016

one more for the road

i'm sorry to say...but fuck it...i'm gonna say it...2016 was not a good year

but just as bad was the fact that Grimmy decided to clean house...royally!
by bein' an absolute asshole this year & steal'n the GEN X'ers musical royalty right out from under us that defined our generation!
first blind sided us with a right hook by take'n our 2 toned eyed starman if yer appetite wasn't satisfied pulled a left hook and hadda take our very own lil Purple Paisley Man 

months would pass til you decided to give us a good bitch slap...with PETE BURNS from

and just when i thought he had enough and would adjourn to his coffin fer the year...since the year was just about up...he decided to steal one more of our greatest gifts and thee best A double snake shakers of our robb'n us of the great GEORGE MICHAEL on xmas
thanx alot asshole!...GEORGE was my secret high school hard on that i almost got a ride from on his bus at the St Paul Civic Center in 1988 on his "FAITH TOUR" after leave'n his equally fantastic band WHAM!...true story

but with the impend'n doom and gloom fer the new year we shall all reap
Mr. Reaper...though he may be music to the GOP & deplorables minds...he is not a musical genius in ANY respect...well...cuz he has no respect fer anyone but himself...may i suggest that we receive just ONE MORE visit from you before the clock strikes 12 on new years eve?
and if yer feel'n a lil more generous and wanna clean out his cabinet...i won't object!

now get off my dress!

Monday, December 19, 2016


ahhh...the merriest of reason to stock up on xanax this holiglazed season
is finally upon us once again...where parents start loose'n it...and begin booze'n it...just cuz all hell will break loose if they can't get their crippled claws on the latest fad fer their special lil ones reason why they have a cottaged cheese ass...while dear ol' dad goes an extra 100 miles outta his way just to take the "babysitter" home every they alternate that tired old excuse either #1 ol' Red Fat Ass was systematically busted once again fer drive'n under the influence on Christmas eve nite  or #2 they ended up on Santa's shit list again this to why certain lil kittens wouldn't be gett'n that special lil gift that they've been bitch'n and begg'n fer all year long
in the 50's...every lil lassie went ape shit if dear old saint what's-wrong-with-his-fuck'n-memory...fergot to get them the much sought after hula they could pratice the proper way to twerk their tush to keep their future pathetic excuse fer a marriage from fall'n apart by play'n that dreaded "my rocket fell into her socket" game
by the 60's...every lil girl and girlie boy wanted that bearded booze hound to leave them an easy bake oven so they could create their own personalized "baked" goods...just so they could drown out the screams of ma & dad after cocktail hour with the neighbors
once the 70's rocked on...everyone was pett'n somethin' on someone...but fer those unfortunates souls that never got asked to the prom...or even to their high school gang-bang...they always had their pet rock to keep them miserably happy til it was time to see Krusty Kringle the follow'n year
in the 80's...parents were pick'n out their plots if they couldn't get their hands on the bloated Barbie delightfully insane cabbage patch doll that that fruitcaked fellow was suppose to set...beautifully wrapped...under their coke flocked xmas tree
by the 90's...every child would shank a skank if they woke up xmas morn'n without their very own personalized speak'n furby from Papa Noel...which was really just the bastard child as the result of a gremlin and a pickled owl  nite of inbreed'n
and once the new millennium rolled was all just a CROC of shit fer old Saint Dick!

though now a some corners of the globe...

so remember...sometimes yer lil kittens should just be grateful that they live where they live

now get off my dress!

Monday, December 12, 2016


so there i was awake'n...2 weeks before xmas...with my x-lax & a mess...
 and me in my dress...fergett'n the stress...but let me digress

i scrolled thru my read the lastest read...
but the only thing interest'n...was the LADY BUNNY in need

she started a very cute poem...quite funny i had thought...
but she needed an end'n...that couldn't be bought

so without any ado...and without all that glittered glamour...
 i ironed out my poetic thoughts...i only hoped it wouldn't damn her

a poem by LADY BUNNY
 **with additional help by
thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...

'Twas the night after Christmas
And all through my "house"
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
Cuz that mouse smelled dead
But no corpse could I find
I checked on my gerbil
It was in my behind.
I'm not a troll
Who lives under a bridge
But the last mouse I found
Was inside of my fridge...

(**insert KRYSTAL KLEER's response here) 

i named him Poonanee
the cutest lil fellow 

a christmas surprise
now frozen in my jello
i shrieked when i saw him
float'n still amongst the berries

"i can't serve this to my guests" i thought
"they're a bunch of non heterosexual wannabe vegan mary's"

i tossed and i turned
then i thought it would be hilarious
i'll spread on some whipped cream
and serve it to Joey Arias

she stole my spotlight
that year in Christmas with the Crawford's

that low down dirty cunt
looked more like some dirty paw turds

one by one
my posse would arrive
my apartment smelt like Auschwitz
where barely anyone survived

i lit all my pine candles
and febreezed my place like hell

i had to do somethin quick
to cover that deadly smell

first in came Miss Jackie Beat...

next up was Miss CoCo Peru...

Lypsinka looked absolutely smash'n...

unfortunately so did Miss Ru

then all of a sudden i remembered
"where in the hell is that santa stripper named Leo?"
of course who shows up without an invite...
but that fuck'n talentless twat Bianca Del Rio

everyone i could think of
had made it thru my door
"hmmm" i thought "am i miss'n anyone?"
then in walks Miss AMANDA LEPORE

my shitbox was now too full
all my lil MUNSTERS unMAC'd...look'n like a Herman
i knew i couldn't fit anymore
so i canceled the uber i sent fer VARLA JEAN MERMAN

i summoned my helper
to serve my guests more wine
and much to their amusement
it was none other than Miss SHERRY VINE

then finally Miss Arias arrived
from craigslist he found this fellow
oh...i could barely contain myself
i couldn't wait to serve Joey my jello

we all sipped on cocktails
while Miss Beat sipped her carrot juice

then Joey's man introduced himself
he said '' name is Bruce''

i told all my cheap guests who didn't bother to bring me a gift

to get their tired asses in a circle and put down their wine
then i pulled out my rusty dusty ouija board
and decided to conjour up the one and only DIVINE

then we all sat down fer dinner
i sat next to Bruce

they all loved my cook'n
well...except for maybe the goose

the time it had come
to open all the presents

but i hadn't served dessert yet
to all my famous pheasants

i topped off their glasses
i thought i'd be nice
then i dished out the jello
and gave Joey the first slice

she poked and she prodded
til Poonanee's tail fell out

she freaked and she screamed
i said '''s Christmas...pleez don't shout!''

''there's a dead mouse in my jello''
as i heard her exclaim

paybacks a bitch ain't it
she's got no one to blame

Joey leaped from her chair
and ran out of my house

all because she was served my jello
with a dead gelatinous mouse

the moral of this story is
and i hate to be so blunt

i am the LADY BUNNY
so don't fuck with me cunt!

Happy HO HO HO from yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe!

now get off my dress! 

Monday, December 5, 2016

Santa's gotta clause

it's that time of the year once again kittens...where i selfishly think of make me look completely their expense of course...

i was read'n over the new rules and regulations that RED passed in the elf
senate recently and i'd like to start by say'n...i am not too happy about his damn "conditions and calculations" clause that states...and i quote

"if unforeseeable economical circumstances are foreseen and are not forecasted from the previous year...up to and including stock market crashes or wall street clashes...big bank bail-outs and political contributions from unknown contributors to block certain religiously political agendas...then the trustee...known as the speaker of the house...known as the delivery person to the world...may then make any and all contractual obligations herein null and void until said situations are deemed no longer a threat to the bottom line of profitability"

i mean...i'm sorry about all the reindeer layoffs...some of yer elves loose'n their lifesave'ns due to that recently stolen election...and those unfortunate incidents involve'n Coach Comet that put shame on yer entire institution
but i'm not play'n any of yer reindeer games bowl full of jello shots...though i will try and muster up some peace and good will to all those GOP fucktards who voted fer Lord Anus & Lucifer
up to and include'n all that other unattainable shit that goes along with all the tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la season'n...may i suggest somethin' to ya?
the hungry can starve...
the deplorables can suck it...
and the rest can go to hell!

this is MY blog and MY demands...i mean..."simple suggestions"...that i would like fulfilled as much as possible...or you can forget about Red ever pull'n yer sleigh again...cuz he'll be push'n up daisies instead...kapeesh!

here's a lil pic to prove i mean business!
now listen up!...this year i would like to forgo the embarrassment of open'n yet another regretfully wasted homemade or unthought-out present to me
as i am perfectly fine make'n myself look like an ass any time i choose!

do i need to remind you...that i have been a very good internationally unknown performing illusionist of my own universe this year…as you may or may not already know...and as a result…i have attached my top 10 list and would appreciate the follow’n gifts delivered to my doorstep no later than 7 am christmas morn’n…

the new ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK coffin table book
it's roughly the same cost as to fill up yer sleigh...and if yer feel'n extra generous...i'll take a signed copy...yer elves might have to turn a few extra tricks on the trampoline...but i'm so worth it...i swear to CHER!

and speak'n of to her "death becomes her" tour next year
or whatever she's call'n this one...yes i know you know i've seen like all 5 of her last farewell tours...but if you really knew know she's like just can never get enough...just one more hit and i'm done...don't make me go all ape shit on yer ass and have have to rip out one of yer kidneys to sell on the black market...
of course i gotta trot my A double snakes out to VEGAS to see her this time around cuz she couldn't be bothered to come back to the unless you got room in yer sleigh...i'm gonna need a flight there as well...but i won't push it!

Lord Orange Anus and Lucifer given a complimentally home's like a home perm without all that messy odor and clean up afterwards
i just feel since we're stuck with these 2 fucktwats fer the next 4 years...a make-over would make them seem less...oh can i put this delicately with the spirit of give'n in mind...ummm...fuck'n diabolically retarded!
maybe you can somehow conger up Ed Gein to help decorate the Oval Office fer them both come jan...just a mere suggestion if ya feel me *wink*wink*

though she never promised me a rose garden…i can't get Lynn Anderson
outta my mind...ever since i heard her unknown hit...well to most anyways..."i've been everywhere" in my pinto blow about barely hold'n together by scotch tape and a prayer operational wheely's just one of those songs that makes ya wanna follow her everywhere she's been...anyone up fer a road trip?

a dvd copy (not blu ray) of the those 2 boozy blasphemous british broads
just so i can complete my collection and put it in my will fer Peetrinella's last absolutely fabulous gift from me

Madonna's calendar for 2017...i've bought every one since 1985
shut's my my piggy bank could use a break for a change...say Red...while yer at it
how about send'n yer elves and Miss Claus out fer the nite and we cuddle up on the couch this fri dec 9th to see M's phenomenally eye orgasmic sold out "REBEL HEART TOUR" on Showtime...since the damn dvd won't be out til like sometime next year be transformed into Henry Cavill's underwear fer a day
since i'm save'n myself and choose'n celibacy this celebratory season

see...not only am i think'n mostly of myself this holidazzle season...but i am also think'n of how others would want me to see myself as well...if they
were me of course!

though anal beads and aromatheraputic candles seem like cool prezzies...
at the age i'm at now...ass wipe and air fresheners will do just peachy

so...that's i'm tell'n ya this only once...don't fuck this up fat ass!
kisses Kringle xoxo

love Krystal

oh ps...and if ya wouldn't mind pleez...get of my dress!