Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Meet the BEAT

so sorry i'm a day late kittens...but apparently this was a 3 day holiday (without one prezzie too) what's with that?

so anyways...last week on “GET OFF MY DRESS”….i was shamelessly promote’n some fantabulous shows starr’n me KRYSTAL KLEER…along with other incredibly talented gurls like Bitch Flowers…Camille Collins…Esme Rodriguez…Polly from the Hot Buttered Crackers…and the gurl that made KRYSTAL so very very dirty…JACKIE BEAT!!

this blog was written pre-APRIL SHOWERS bring BITCH FLOWERS…so if ya were there…thanx fer come’n…don’t know what i’d do without ya kitten!thanx fer the cocktails…buy’n my buttons…give’n me 10% of yer earn’ns while i was lyp-sync’n fer my life

(if you fergot to do any of the above mentioned or decided to go outta town that weekend…here’s a chance to redeem yerself…you can drop me a donation thru my paypal account at irisheyes3313@yahoo.com i’ll be wait’n fer ya)

now back to the program…

today though…i would like to pay a proper tribute (before ya turn on the tear works…hold on to yer hankie…she’s not dead yet)…this is a live’n tribute to a performer who needs no introduction…to me…but is gonna get one…for you (in case ya just got off the shortbus)
she is the inspiration fer KRYSTAL KLEER’s perspiration…a cross between one of heavens’ fallen angels and hustler magazine…(completely angelic and down right dirty) a vision of distorted visions…a delicate delight of deliriousness…a gal that can make grown men weep and little boi’s *BEEP*
she’s toured with Roseanne Barr and starred in such AMC classic independent films like “WIGSTOCK : THE MOVIE”…”FLAWLESS” with Robert De Niro and Philip Seymour Hoffman…“ADAM & STEVE”… “Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver.” and star of the sensational internet hit tv show “THE CHER and CHAZ SHOW” (check yer local listings for times…wait…scratch that…just google it) so pull out the JIFFY pop and enjoy!
spoof’n melodic classics with such hilarious cult hits like “fat tragic woman”(black magic woman)…“drugs will keep up together”(love will keep us together)… “oh jesus”(oh mickey)… “these boobs were made in taiwan”(these boots were made for walk’n)…and the crowd pleaser… “baby got front” (baby got back) to name a few
i’m talk’n about the original dirty gurl…JACKIE BEAT!

this friday june 3rd …you need not be anywhere else but EPIC nightclub for the EPIC event of the summer with thee ultimate EPIC performer!

“GOLDEN GRRRLS…NIGHT of a 100 DRAG PERFORMERS”…starr’n drag superstar JACKIE BEAT!

"VIP Admission $ 45
includes appetizers, drink samplings, Main Event, souvenir
program, Celebration Dance & gift bag

General Admission $ 30

Diva Booth (accommodates 8) $ 400

$200 Beverage Tab & 4 VIP Admissions

Diva Balcony(accommodates 14) $ 600
$400 Beverage Tab & 6 VIP Admissions

Premium Diva Balcony (accommodates 20) $1000
$500 Beverage Tab & 10 VIP Admissions


an adjudicator (puhleez...that's just a fancy title fer someone who can count properly) will be on hand to induct the 100 bevy of beauties into the GUINESS BOOKS of WORLD RECORDS...such an honor to be honored...i'm honored (well it would be if i ever read that book anyways)
so come be a part of history!

JACKIE BEAT has been entertaining masses til they fall on their asses across the U.S. and Europe for over two full decades with her ass-crack'n comedy and hilarious song parodies.
her one-woman show “Jackie Beat Is A Whole Lotta’ Love” (though i've never seen but assume'n she doesn't lie on her IMB account) ran a record 18 months at the BIG APPLE cabaret club called Fez, and she comes back to the Big Apple each and every year with her award-winning, standing room only holidazzle show….but we FINALLY got her in the Minne-Apple for one nite only!

MADONNA who?…girl puhleez!…i CANNOT wait to meet my JACKIE BEAT!
not enough JACKIE BEAT?…get all yer JACKIE needs at her website here

where you can download her hilarious songs…watch her hilarious videos…read her hilarious blog…follow her hilariousness on twitter and/or find her on facebook...and if yer feel’n super generous…pop on over to her hilarious tip jar…and give her some of yer unused pocket change!

so get yer tickets today and become part of Guinness Book history (for this year anyways) and see the hilarious talents of JACKIE BEAT unfold before yer eyes…she’s HILARIOUS!

feel free to bring me an apple-tini so we can watch her together…but puhleez…watch where yer rest yer heels kitten…cuz if ya get too close…i’m probably gonna ask ya to get off my dress!

Monday, May 23, 2011


high gas prices prevent’n that outta town vacation this year?...no gifts to open under yer memorial tree?
OBAMA may have given a hole in one to OSAMA as a gift for the world this holiday season…
but have i got just the perfect gift for YOU!

come on down to the 4th annual
fri may 27th…$12 in advance $15 day of show…doors open at 7:30pm
tickets available @ VARSITY THEATER BOX OFFICE…ELECTRIC FETUS or online @ www.ticketfly.com/event/39383/
18+ with ID

all the glitter and glamour begins at 8pm…with pre-show open’n act

the nite continues with yer MC doll of the north CAMILLE COLLINS…the dirtiest doll in town KRYSTAL KLEER…and newest doll fresh outta the oven ESME RODRIGUEZ

and yer hostess…and ultimate party doll BITCH FLOWERS

watch these bevy of beauties wiggle and make you giggle…as they perform amazing balance’n acts in the highest of heels and lyp-sync fer their life...(don’t ferget to bring yer holla’s and ya dolla’s!)

close’n out the show is the incredibley delicious lead singer of FAR FROM FALLING…HARLEY WOOD and his new band WRECKED WHEELHOUSE

continue’n til the wee hours of the morn’n…is superstar x-traodinaire and hot-2-trot spinner DJ SHIEK

so slap on some glitter and grab a mate and make it a date (or pick one up) at the hottest ticket in town!

post memorial day blues gotcha in a funk?

3 girlie gurls not enough fer ya?...

how 'bout 100 girlie gurls starr'n the one and only original dirty gurl...all the way from L.A...MISS JACKIE BEAT in...

yes....it's REALLY her kittens!


Friday June 3rd...EPIC NIGHT CLUB in downtown Minneapolis
510 1st Avenue N
Minneapolis, MN 55403-1609
(612) 332-3742

Doors open @ 8 pm
18+ with ID

"VIP Admission $ 45
includes appetizers, drink samplings, Main Event, souvenir
program, Celebration Dance & gift bag

General Admission $ 30

Diva Booth (accommodates 8) $ 400
$200 Beverage Tab & 4 VIP Admissions

Diva Balcony(accommodates 14) $ 600
$400 Beverage Tab & 6 VIP Admissions

Premium Diva Balcony (accommodates 20) $1000
$500 Beverage Tab & 10 VIP Admissions

Website: http://www.twincitiescelebrations.com

This is a benefit to raise money and awareness for The Aliveness Project - Positive Impact Fund. The goal is to raise funds for The Aliveness Project Capital Building Fund.

By bringing together many different facets of the LGBT community, we will produce an entertaining night celebrating the accomplishments of 40 years by Drag Performers of the Twin Cities.

Headliner of this wonderous ceremony is none other than JACKIE BEAT...
who's toured with Roseanne Barr and appeared in many indepentdant films include'n Wigstock: The Movie, Flawless and Adam & Steve...read her blog here: http://jackiebeat.blogspot.com

The gathering of 100 honorees will also gather and perform! This will set a Guinness World Record for Most Drag Performers in a Single Performance. An Adjudicator from Guinness World Records will be on hand to validate this event.

so put on yer best support hose...come on down and support the gurls...and support a good cause!!

and remember kittens...if ya see me stand'n there...you may say hi...and possibly take a picture with me drink'n the apple-tini you just bought me...but pleez remember to get off my dress (i mean that in the nicest possible way :)

Monday, May 16, 2011


i was recently reminded…a while back…”str8 act’n and appear’n” is the new black! (how dr. suess of me and i wasn’t even try’n…i swear)

by that…i don’t mean that african american…african european…african asian or african african (did i leave anybody out?) non heterosexual men are the latest in relationship accessories…hot mixed interracial relationships have been around since Tom and Helen Willis of the Jefferson’s

(that was not meant to be in any way…shape or form…single’n out any ethnicity of any part of the universe)

i am not a complete social retard…i’ve seen Prince like 3 times live and own almost all of Tina Turner’s musical history (stay with me kittens…i will make my point…eventually)

no…what i speakith of…is far more taboo…a rare hybrid sub culture of the non heterosexuals who try and pass themselves off as “STR8” by act’n and appear’n in a way publicly that is perceived by others that they have the ability to completely fool members of their own naturally born non heterosexual race (proud member since 1974…that’s not when i was born…it’s just when i knew) as well as those of the naturally born non homosexual race…just to prove to their narcissistic riddled ego their inability to deal with themselves as a mo’

and in their feebly delusional mind…they also believe they can…get this…sexually turn a non homosexual into a non heterosexual…and that would then be their greatest accomplishment to their entire existence

well…i’m hear to tell you…ya ain’t fool’n no one… let’s keep the “act’n” for the professionally trained....oh kaaaay gurlfriend!

there are many theories of how this sub culture derived :

fake bake’n with a spray tan before goin’ to the beach…Miller beer…the RAM truck or perhaps watch’n all 5 seasons of PRISON BREAK on a loop (one word…WENTWORTH MILLER…meeeouch!)

these are just a few suggestions…there are a merried of theories out there i'm sure

hold up…now before you grab yer picket signs…coon dog and hop in yer monster truck (and by that i mean…work-out purse…pekinese and pontiac grand prix)…i am not suggest’n in the slightest that some of you non heterosexuals out there cruise’n around along the informational highway on yer daily 5 minute break from adam4adam…gaydar…grinder…manc*nt
or whichever social site you choose to cruise for the latest has-been or been-had by half the population…are not just being yerself as you would regardless of who was or wasn’t present

a quick hiccup…for those right wing’n …apocalyptic fear’n…anti-bacterial soap’n…leave-it-to-beaver thinkers who think i or anyone of my naturally born non heterosexual race would CHOOSE to live this way…pick a finger!

think about it…if we didn’t have hetero’s…we wouldn’t have homo’s…if we didn’t have homo’s…we wouldn’t have poppers…if we didn’t have poppers…we wouldn’t have brain damage…and if we didn’t have brain damage…i’d be the only one read'n this right now :)

now…where was i?...oh yes...

i am merely speak’n to the trend of non heterosexuals known as the socially retarded…chemically dependant…emotionally unavailable...self-loath’n…narcissistically rare mo’…otherwise known as the “muscle mary”

in the simplest of terms…a “muscle mary” consists of high maintenance groom’n for a minimum of an hour in front of their bathroom mirror…before head’n to the gym…for another hour of check’n themselves out in the locker room mirror (and who’s check’n them out)…do the usual work-out routine til they break a sweat from check’n themselves out on the gym floor mirror (and who was check’n them out)…pop into the steam room to see what they were serve’n at the cock buffet…then publicly pretend they have no inclination of someone’s existence…because of the other person’s acceptance of who they are…what they do for a live’n…or how they may choose to dress themselves…and whether or not last season’s Prada bag falls outta their mouth everytime they open it and their comfortness level around others in public…or that there is any remote interest in said person…but secretly are the first ones to have their feet stapled to the bedroom ceil’n before you even get the front door closed on some random friday nite!

we hate to be judged…but let’s face it…we all have played judge…jury and prostitution at some point in our life

oops…may have to back-up on that one there…if yer not me (and why would you be) i can sense yer confusion…so grab a ticket and hop aboard the catch-up train and i’ll take ya there…in a minute or so

i am and have always been…mostly…comfortable in my natural born non heterosexual body and mind (though being a guinea pig for those governmental drug studies back in ’93 altered things…just a bit)

i used to be the skinny minny that would get shunned by the hideously delicious muscle mary flock corral’n around in circles at certain downtown non heterosexual entertainment establishments

then one day i joined a gym for personal and mental growth...and all of a sudden the gates flew open…i was accepted as one of the flock

at first i felt like i had made a bad judgment in judge’n the judgers…then i realized…when it was discovered time and time again thru word of mouth within the flock that i was indeed the unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of her own universe…KRYSTAL KLEER…i would be shunned once again by the flock in public or on-line …though privately…more than a handful would prostitute themselves for my “ATTENTION” (i’m talk’n about “basement meat”)

too be fair…money was never exchanged…cocktails…cuisine and/or conversation…yes...but never any benjamins!

why did i care what they thought?...why does anyone care what they think?...they don’t! (it’s hurts their brain too much to think…what…with their balls take’n up so much space)

they are not trophies…but a testament to the torment we all felt as an awkward teenager on any given playground try’n to fit in

some were a friend…but that’s come to an end

they’re just an illusion…filled with sadness and confusion

i’m a buff ‘n’ puff…with ALOTTA stuff

yer just a mess…now…get off my dress!

Monday, May 9, 2011


in the spring of 2008… KRYSTAL received a desperate phone call from a past illusionist that she never had the pleasure to perform for…but had participated in many AIDS charity events with her…as well as party’n it up from time to time at functions thru-out the city…BITCH FLOWERS is her name

the lounge bar that BITCH FLOWERS had once held her birthday parties at to honor herself…had gone under and BITCH wanted somethin’ big to remind the city…she was still here…so she booked her event at the VARSITY THEATER…and called upon her fav-o-rit gurls KRYSTAL KLEER…BARBIE Q...CAMILLE COLLINS and an unknown to them…sought out by KRYSTAL herself…TERRA HALDANE…to help not only honor BITCH’s birthday…but also make a sorta homage to the great STUDIO 54 days of the late 1970’s and early 1980’s in new york…and called the show APRIL SHOWERS bring BITCH FLOWERS!

no one knew what was gonna happen…it was all such a new concept...if we put it together…would the people come?...and if they came…would there be enough of a crowd to warrant it a success?...there was only one way to find out

KRYSTAL also wasn’t sure she wanted to frock up after the turmoil from the last performances she was scheduled for 8 years earlier…then abruptly quit’n after only the first performance due to divatude…and also wondered…would she even be remembered by anyone besides her huge fan Jess?

but as the lines began to form and grow longer and deeper around the VARSITY THEATER...KRYSTAL soon realized she had made the right decision to frock up...and KRYSTAL's bulbs would shine brighter than ever before on the runway

gone were the days of perform’n the 80’s classics…and the cool style’n torch songs of the golden years…for KRYSTAL had found the gurl that would breathe the breath of life back into her well worn heels once more during her close’n number…and she goes by the name of JACKIE BEAT!

for those unfamiliar with her work of geniousness…JACKIE’s musical style is a cross between WEIRD AL and HUSTLER MAGAZINE…completely comical and completely dirty as hell…and that's just what KRYSTAL’s new fan base was crave’n

by season 2…TERRA was out and MAXI was in…as guest illusionist…but CAMILLE COLLINS…BARBIE Q…KRYSTAL KLEER(now christened “the dirty gurl”)…and the sensual style’n of burlesque loud mouth beauty FOXY TANN who now joined the cast as performer and co MC with CAMILLE…along with BITCH FLOWERS…remained as staple fav-o-rits of the show…and it had looked like KRYSTAL had made it after all…again…by the herds of old and new fans now flock’n to pay fer her attention

by season 3…KRYSTAL became more involved in behind the scenes by hire’n a phenomenal graphic artist and good friend Faedre Blue…made countless deliveries of fliers to promote the show…facebooked her online universe relentlessly…and helped choreograph the open’n number to the show

KRYSTAL not only commanded the audience to pay attention to her…she earned it!

the show opened with the first ever short screen play written by KRYSTAL for the cast of APRIL SHOWERS bring BITCH FLOWERS...aptly titled “MOMMIE QUEEREST”…filmed on location at KRYSTAL’s aunt Ellen’s condo in burnsville, mn…by minneapolis renowned videographer/editor extraordinaire Tony Larson…to thunderous applause

the movie was followed by the dance troupe “SOUL 2 SOUL”…though amaze’n to see live on dvd…decided not to think about the follow’n performer KRYSTAL who would be come’n outta the stables in 7 inch stilettos…and splattered hot wax on the runway without the use of a tarp

needless to say…KRYSTAL…always the perfectionist…continued to strut her stuff…even though it felt like she was try’n to skate on thin ice…but was none to happy and let it be known when she returned backstage to get ready for her next number…because they would soon feel the power behind the beauty!

as they say…the show must go on…and it did

the nite turned out to be a huge success…but BITCH ended up being the recipient of a HUGE bitch slap…when the close’n act ORYON…took it upon himself to dedicate the nite to his stage manager for his birthday…instead of or even honor'n the host BITCH FLOWERS...the same stage manager that had stiffed KRYSTAL from the make-up work that she did on the set of his video for 3 models back in ’94…so of course KRYSTAL was visibly not pleased!

there was no doubt in anyone’s mind at this point…that KRYSTAL could draw a crowd around the stage…and no one better than BITCH knew this…so KRYSTAL gave an ultimatum…if ORYON was back again…she was out!

season 4 begins in a few short weeks…it’s BIGGER…BETTER…and BITCHIER than ever!

FOXY TANN had to drop out due to contractual obligations in sin city…BARBIE Q’s back hurt try’n to pick out numbers from her own admission so she excused herself…but with these subtractions…brings new additions

star of the minne-apple run of RENT…and the incredibly delicious lead singer of the amazing rock band FAR FROM FALLING…HARLEY WOOD will be join’n the cast as the close’n act with his new band WRECKED WHEELHOUSE...and from previews…this is a band not to be missed!

included as special guest performances are Polly and the Hot Buttered Crackers and Esme Rodriguez

KRYSTAL is more grateful than ever to BITCH FLOWERS generosity for give’n her a chance to relive her dreams on stage once again…and though the tug-of-war-of-words happens from time to time…no one is wear’n a diva apron these days…and KRYSTAL KLEER can finally taste the dimly lit spotlight once again

who knows what’s up her glittered wizard sleeve next...stay tuned to find out

thanx for read’n this 3 part special presentation of KRYSTAL KLEER: BEHIND THE BEAUTY…

now…it's happy hour somewhere in the world kitten...run along and make mine an apple-tini...i'll be there in a minute...oh and if ya wouldn't mind
pleez…get off my dress!

Monday, May 2, 2011


in december of ‘94…while visit’n her now new famous hang-out at the time…on a friday nite…with her now new best friend at the time…Lew… KRYSTAL had another chance meet’n with the newest matriarch and show director of the GAY 90’s…Dee Richards.

Dee was a presence within a presence…the complete essence of the consummate performer…drown’n in fabulously tailored glittered gowns…jewels dripp’n from ear to ear…and hair as huge as a funeral bouquet

KRYSTAL happened to have a pic of her as a disco devil from the christmas party she attended at the Hilton from the previous weekend where she had been work’n …among 3 other jobs at the time…to show her friend Lew who borrowed the picture and said he’d be back in a minute

4 minutes later…KRYSTAL was summoned backstage by Lew to meet Dee in her den…and was asked by Dee “who did yer make-up?”…to which KRYSTAL …a bit awed…shyly replied “ummm…me!”

KRYSTAL was hired on the spot!

with help from her biggest fan and former fag hag…Jess had pushed the apprehensive KRYSTAL into the world of glitter and glamour…take’n on the temporary role as KRYSTAL’s stage hag…give’n KRYSTAL pointers on how to walk…wiggle and most of all…command the audience as if she were the leader of an evil dominion

2 months later…on friday february 3rd 1995…KRYSTAL KLEER joined the cast of exceptionally outstand’n talented perform’n illusionists DEE RICHARDS…CAMILLE COLLINS…TIFFANY CARTIER…CEE CEE RUSSELL…KENDRA BLAKE…ROXY MARQUIS…NINA DeANGELO…JUSTICE COUNTS…TONYA LEE RANDALL…XENA SEVERE…and a yet unknown MISS R (pause for commercial break)

"are you tired if wash’n skid marks from yer monkey luva’s britches? get him the gift you’ve always wanted…A-NUL B-GONE WAX…to rid yer trained monkey luva of that unruly amazon jungle grow’n between his derry air valley…simply apply a generous amount of A-NUL B-GONE WAX against the grain of the problem areas…lay pre-cut cloth strip on top of A-NUL B-GONE WAX layer...press firmly and hold fer 10 seconds…then gently hold skin taunt as you pull in opposite direction quickly as if open’n yer 100th pull tap after yer 10th can of red bull…to take down that follicle forest that leaves bacon bits and tire treads on his tighty whiteys…make’n him smooth and red as a baboon’s ass!...in original…lemon meadows…and all new pomegranate paradise scents!”


known only as her given name MATTRESS at the time…for roughly 3 months…MATTRESS shined like a beacon of light…titillate’n and tantalize’n the audience 2 nites a week…until she was told by DEE to come up with a more presentable stage name...since MATTRESS was...get this...too flat!

co-workers at her gym helped out with typical cliche'ic perform'n illusionists names like Anita Dix...Helen Heels...Penny Tration...Shandy Leer...but Mattress wanted somethin' more crystal clear for herself and accidentally but perfectly came up with her own moniker with a little tweak'n

she was christened by another performer…the amazing Roxy Marquis…as the “artist formerly known as MATTRESS…MISS KRYSTAL KLEER”…(thanx in part to another somewhat more popular minnesotan celebrity at the time)…who later became to be known simply as just “KRYSTAL KLEER” (spelt with a special K)

Krystal had lit up the stage with her open’n performance of Ann Margret’s “13 men and me”…and with pen to paper…made that giant X to the top of her bucket list…and an unintentional internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of the universe was born!

perform’n to mainly her fav-o-rit hits from the 80’s… KRYSTAL decided to go out on a limb and challenge her abilities as a performer…and asked fellow performer XENA to do a duet with her…since the 2 performers were similar in outrageous style…to which XENA replied “thanx hun…but i think you need more experience”

the first diva punch and back-stabs of many KRYSTAL would endure thru-out her roller coaster ride of fame thru-out the 90’s until it came crash’n down after an amazing trip to the big apple for the 1st time…

in the summer of ‘97… KRYSTAL was flown to oprahville…where she collected her $50 appearance fee on the now defunct popular afternoon talk show…”Jenny Jones” (before that guy was shot)…and was greeted with cheers and jeers as she walked the runway with a pint-sized model with a napolean complex...and was majorly hit on by the desperately-to-be-famous-again…Jim J. Bullock

that same year… KRYSTAL was asked to join a newly formed perform’n comedy troupe with past performers she had crossed paths with since the beginn’n of her fame…the zany BARBIE Q …the incredible french singer RHODA…the smoke'n hot announcer DOUG and MISS R

ready to put the bar life behind her…KRYSTAL wanted to perform in more upscale shows…with more attractive pay’n crowds that would pay attention to her instead of their cocktail…so she joined the troupe and performed to packed crowds almost every nite…

KRYSTAL stayed with the troupe all the way to new york…and after a 10 hour flight…landed in the big apple in the summer of 2000 for the Toyota Comedy Festival…where she appeared on the TODAY show with then co-host Katie Couric and Matt Lauer…got snubbed by AL Roker…crossed paths with famed new york perform’n illusionist JOEY ARIAS and world famous DJ Junior Vasquez…in a downtown packed nite club called TWILO

the festival and trip was a success and KRYSTAL was ready to go back to the minne-apple and perfect her craft

though told she would have a long run by the troupe’s leader…KRYSTAL was given a very short run of 3 shows once return’n back to the minne-apple…and removed herself from the show completely only after one performance…

appear’n in 2 very low budget…but above porn budget…movies…play’n a club kid in “HOMO HEIGHTS”…and a prostitute in an untitled…unreleased film…perform’n at numerous AIDS charity events and the occasional tacky bar show thru-out the tri-state area…Krystal could feel the bulbs burn’n out in her star and decided she had endured enough divatude from certain performers and hung up her heels for good…that is…until she got BITCH
slapped…8 years later!