Monday, March 26, 2012

sometimes ya feel'n like nutt'n...sometimes ya don't!

a few months back...a friend of mine asked if i'd like to help celebrate his last year in his 30's...before he has to start stitch'n a gown and have it completed in time for his AARP discount card

destination: OPRAHVILLE

since i had already starved my piggy bank fer MADONNA tickets this winter
i hadda decline...but he decided to gimme his miles and take care of my long as i got him what gurl wouldn't skip-to-my-lou!

well...let me tell ya...what happens in gaytown...doesn't necessarily stay in gaytown...sometimes it falls into a lovely blog center piece...but i have more press'n and tackling issues to resolve these which base...lipstick and eyeliner looks good on you when shopp'n fer tasty spermicidal jams and jellies...NOT!

so...where shall i begin?...hmmm...i about THE HEELS!
OH FER SHAME!...they had THEE most brilliant glittered green 6 inch Louboutin knock off pieces of heaven at my fav-o-rit heel haunt in gaytown...but only ONE PAIR to be had...i felt like Cinder-f*ck'n-fella gett'n ready to they were a ½ size TOO SHORT for my hooves!....(i knew i should gotten my feet bound like a lil geisha girl at the tender and supple age of most do...right?)

i opted fer the sensible and modest 3 inch green glittered platform pump clodhoppers to wear in the St Patty's parade 2 weeks later with my family in St Paul...(but i'll save that story fer another time)

of course ya can't have heels without i right ladies and gents?

so...not 1...but 2 platinum blondes later...the 1st one very Veronica Lake

the 2nd pile of synthetic follicles was very Kate Pierson of B-52's fame

and Krystal's 1st EVER...pearl necklace...made entirely outta krystals
not that this was MY 1st pearl necklace mind you...*wink*wink*wink*
(hey Krystal ain't called the dirty gurl fer nutt'n) but this was the 1st one i ever had to pay for in my life!

it's ABSOLUTELY gorge...wait til you see it on me...on the bright lights blind'n you at the "APRIL SHOWERS bring BITCH FLOWERS" show!
come up...say hi...and don't ferget to bring ya holla's and ya dolla's !

another Krystal 1st was the purchase of what i thought would look like
shapely Marilyn Monroe-esque hip shappers...
turned out to look more like i was toast'n hamburger buns on my hips!
so i'll need to do some altercations before i step out on the stage in those

unfortunately...nothing would fit her now fit it's back to the draw'n board fer me to create somethin' spectacular fer you to tip me in!

so what you've been wait'n fer...the hedonistic portion of my vacation

i'll make this short~n~sweet...without gett'n yer mind all sticky!

though i am unable to connect to...since i'm still apparently live'n in the stone ages of communicado with my rotary style flip phone...
but was WELL educated with my flock of mo's i was in town with...the art of GRINDER and SCRUFF the entire weekend!

i cannot comment on their i was not present fer all 10 or so of them...let's just say...i don't want...nor desire the need to be on some electronical dart board of self consciousness at every given moment...
even if my flock decided they couldn't walk 2 feet without check'n in and check'n out within the 50 ft radius of raw animalistic instincts around them...not judge'n...just say'n!

i...on the other hand...was focused on my mission of gett'n show gear and in no mood to do the walk of shame from some piper fitter's porch at 4 am
look'n to poach my eggs...who's shelf life was pretty much about to go bad!

that is...until nite number 3...

when my temporary non heterosexual sexually charged bed buddy...whom i found attractive...but was not attract to sexually...decided to be an out-a-towner at some tally whacker's palace fer nite #2 and #3 (since i wasn't need'n any nutt'n) after another fun nite of bar hopp'n and bedroom eyes all around...i returned back to the hotel...alone

unable to count sheep...i decided to take a drive along the informational highway at 3 am to see if there were any hitch hikers that needed a lift

why not!

at 1st it was the usual A double snakers that wouldn't leave you alone
followed up by the desperado villagers that lost out at last call by bar close's as if the pearly gates flung w-i-d-e open (and all you want into that)...let the pun(s) begin!

this non heterosexually charged adonis hits me up...and turns out he's only 1 1/2 blocks away from my hotel room...hmmm...OH MY CHER what to do?...

well...since i'm a guest in gaytown...and had the room to myself...i thought to myself...i said many times in the past 15 years that you've been cruise'n along the informational highway...hit on by some adonis...
only to show up to some bad false advertisement nightmare?...F*CK THAT!

they're either some mr. magoo and master of their own misery

or some twink with no dink...look'n more like some miss'n link...into kink!

then why the hell am i dress'n up to march myself over to him?
(ummm...cuz yer like a moth to a flame)...oh yea...that's right!

so down the hall to the elevator...and out the front doora...
thru the streets of some fairly unknown city at 3 am...fer some good ol' sodom and gomorrah!

though i'm not much of a gambler these days...and even though Cabrini Green was no where near where i was stay'n...nor carries the same horror stories as it once did back in the had been over 90 days...and the revirginalization process had just begun...kittens...i suffered ENOUGH!

as i made my way up the elevator to the dark shawdow's apartment
i figered 2 things were most likely goin' to happen to me:

#1 his photo is a complete fake and i am no desperado at the very least...i will have gotten my cardio done fer the day

#2 he's some ax wield'n homocidal which's always a good rule of thumb to leave the number and address where you are goin' at the current place you are stay' it'll make it easier fer the cops to locate yer body...
hey i got my angela lansbury cap on when venture'n to unknown territories

turns out all the rules were thrown out the door...cuz when i walked thru what would now come-2-b-known as the "pearly gates"...i won the long shot!

as the door opens...i hesitate briefly before invite'n myseld in...his cherry red ikea fold out couch looks like a million bucks in his studio shitbox...
as do his split bamboo curtians from target's safari collection

we stare...look'n into each others our reflections...make'n sure we're picture perfect in case the camera's were roll'n

it's as if he had just walked off the cover of someone's fav-o-rit porn mag
(no need to ajust yer vision kitten...this is ACTUALLY HIM in full bloom)

he wraps his incredibly toned arms me...carress'n my huge bubble ass

we fall dramatically backwards into his couch bed...which was remarkably open...and as i leaned over to turn off the lamp and the modular furniture faded into the mist...
he started kiss'n i hadn't be kissed in years...and he wanted me...he wanted me inside him...but all of a sudden i said STOP! you have any rubbers?

would you mind putt'n one on?...while yer at it...make it 2!

and i would feel just a whole alot better if you would apply some spermicidal jams and jellies to the area...we all know we've both been around!

i the name of love

but i just wanted him to know...that no matter matter how far...i want him to be able to look up into the sky and wish on his lucky star...cuz if he should ever need me...i'll be there in a hurry on that he can depend and mister (what's yer name again?) please don't e-v-e-r worry!
ain't no mountain high enough...ain't no valley low enough...ain't no river wide enough to keep me from you hoo!

well...that's my trip kittens...hope you enjoyed yer voyeristic view and fer those gett'n ready to point fingers and judge...i assure money...or canned goods were exchanged...just 2 ships that passed in the nite!
and will be dock'n in a few more ports...when he comes to visit this summer!

now get off my dress!

Monday, March 19, 2012

the BITCH is back!

it's that time of the month again...NO!...not cuz Flo is come'n to town
(the non homosexual men know what i'm talk'n about here...don'tcha guys?)

no...what i'm refer'n to is shamelessly whore'n out one BITCH FLOWERS

for what you've all been wait'n for all year long...back for her annual event in it's 5th and most over-the-top and out-of-sight year


starr'n yer host with almost the most...BITCH FLOWERS

the dirtiest gurl in town...who's STD free since 2003...KRYSTAL KLEER

mc and showgurl of the north...CAMILLE COLLINS

mc and burlesque beauty from beyond FOXY TANN

with special guest performances by Mistress VICTORIA DeVILLE

and the Sole to Soul dancers

with the magically delicious musical talents of HARLEY WOOD

and the spinn'n sensations of DJ JAKE RUDH til the wee hours of the nite

no plans easter eve? problem?...we gotcha covered...
as long as you got the cover

date : Saturday April 7th
location: Varsity Theater in Dinkytown

doors open @ 7:30 pm
show starts @ 9:00 pm
party over @ 1:00 am

admission: $15 day of show
$12 in advance buy online here
$10 w/student ID or dressed in drag
18+ w/ID

listen to this snappy lil interview we did with the lovely Margie Pederson

pop some popcorn and watch this lil snappy interview on mrtc-tv

the J-man will still be catch'n his 40 winks til he rise's up...allegedly

and Peter won't be hopp'n down anyone's bunny trail til the sun comes up...
that is...of course...unless ya luck out at the show *wink*wink*wink*

so throw on yer best easter bonnet...grab a mate and make it a date

and don't ferget to bring yer holla's and yer dolla's to the best show
the Minne-apple has to offer this easter season

here's a sneak peak what's in get off my dress...and go!

Monday, March 12, 2012

a read'n from the book of BULLSHIT

sorry fer fill'n you with foul language...but then again so is today's guest!

one of my all time fav-o-rit skits from the yester years of SNL (when it was actually funny)...was church chat with Dana today is an episode i thunked up fer the church lady in case she ever decides to come back and needs some fresh new without further ado...

welcome to today's special episode of...

my first guess...M-U-R-O-T-N-A-S...pronouced tongue
or half-assed backwards...since he's ideo-illogically live'n in a time when rock concerts actually consisted of a bunch of cave dwellers bang'n a bunch of stones together.

unfortunately...Mr. Smarty Britches was unable to sit with us today cuz a lil birdie told me that he's out on the campaign trail look'n to run this lil country of ours into the ground...come november huh!

well...isn't that special!
we like ourselves...don't we?...we just like to nothing seems to make any sense...does it...when it comes out...if he were here...i'd like to ask him a simple question though...more rotten as? what?

what could it possibly be?

what's got this guy stick'n his nose into everyone's nibbley parts...hmmm?

why is our lil Ricky's britches in a bunch over everyone's rights and beliefs?

is it cuz they never released the highway to heaven series on blue ray yet?
no...i don't think that's his issue with his "Maker's" many fallen angels

gee...i wonder who it could possibly be...hmmm...could it be cuz he's...

in a political kamikazee bible beat'n disguise?

the world according to this frothy fecal matter is that of a religious freakfest who believes the country should be governed according to his and only his...religious beliefs...without take'n into consideration that a president is voted in office by voters from ALL denominations

i'm sooo this anal wart runn'n for President of the United States
or pompus Pastor of the United States...with blinders on?

he sorta sounds like he's preach'n the same views as one of these guys

with his daily messianic manifesto on control
and religion...maybe he'd be better suited runn'n on some Islamic fundamanta­list ticket...i'm just say'n

this nut job's the name of our dear lord savior...wants to rewrite science and history books to advance the evangelica­l ajenda...which has been paid for by the not-so-fun fundamentallyretarded religious crusaders

tell me what's the diff between his position and Sharia law?...isn't this the reason that we have a separation of church and state as one of the foundation­s of our government­?

and his stance regard'n non heterosexualism...and their rights as humans and not as second class citizens...reads like a poo-poo plattered of bible bigotry smothered in satanic sauce

perhaps MUROTNAS should be more concerned about the years of heinous sexual abuse of children by priests and the routine cover up by the church hierachy as ANOTHER priest sex scandal is underway in his home state of Pennsylvan­ia...instead of what consent'n non heterosexuals do with spermicidal lubrications and a slip n slide in the privacy of their own apt

oddly enough he believes that our President is a christian...but that the President's policies are not "based on the bible"

really? we REALLY want the leader of our nation to refer to passages from some fairy tale story when decide'n whether or not to pick up the red curtosy phone...or better yet...have someone who thinks that SATAN himself has his sights set on our nation

didn't that Jefferson guy once say so eloquantly...

"i contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole american people which declared that their legislature should make no law respecting an establishment of religion...or prohibiting the free exercise thereof... thus building a wall of separation between church & state."

oops...wrong Jefferson...i meant this guy

and with his wife think'n that they're somehow part of these delusional stories shows mental issues in itself...

it's like going to some star wars convention dressed as a Chewbacca...
and thinking you REALLY ARE a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk

can someone tell me why a select group of fear seek'n people believe that their beliefs are the only ones that need to be believed?...if you don't want birth control... if you think abortions are wrong...if you don't want an education...or don't want to marry a non heterosexual...then DON'T PARTICIPAT­E in ANY of the above mentioned...and leave those who do ALONE!

now i'm not here to tell you who to vote fer this fall...but keep in mind...if you do choose to vote fer this MUROTNAS character...
you better make sure ya got fire retardant bottoms on yer toe tappers!

cuz you'd be one of those torch wield'n villagers try'n to hunt down the "non-believers"...who believe that they're not a HIS beliefs!
and you'd be held indirectly responsible fer what his agenda is he's promote'n against those who cause any harm to the "non believers"

there now...that wasn't so bad...was not at all...well...this has been church chat...i'm of course the church lady...time to cut a rug...shall we

and Ricky...if you happen to stumble across my lil blog...perhaps you'd change yer misconceptions of our rules if i dolled ya up a bit...yer name could about Miss Conception?...perhaps we could do a number together?..may i suggest "love will keep us together"
by 70's duo Captain and Tenille...cuz shouldn't it really?

if that's not to yer like'n...puhleez...GET OFF MY DRESS!