Tuesday, May 31, 2016

BOY and Girls are still have'n fun!

a lil history lesson today...picture it kittens...the year was 1983
the spoiled brats of hedge fund families and foreign dignitaries sported the 1st swanky totally rad portable phone...that also doubled as a desperate and daring dildo fer some
cabbage patch dolls turned ordinary desperate soccer moms into rage'n fucktwats clear'n the way fer teen pregnancy to go thru the roof
Hot Lips Hoolihan and the rest of the M*A*S*H unit packed their bags and finally left Korea after 11 successful years on the front lines
while Skywalker hadda intense sword fight with "daddy" at the box office
and the artist formally known as Lieutenant Lush
 and this former rockabilly artist had the biggest hits define'n the year with their unforgettable mind numb'n anthems
flash forward to 30 years later and these 2 power houses are still pack'n the houses and out on the road together fer the 1st time since they conquered and defined the 80's...end'n their tiny tour together tomorrow nite in Vienna Virgina before they hit the road on their own
Miss Lauper finally put on her fav-o-rit shit kickers and is out with a new cd aptly title "DETOUR"
with her take on country covers from the age of the golden oldies like
and "HEARTACHE BY THE NUMBERS" to name a few
click here fer Cyndi's solo date stops
(and just FYI...i'm more than happy to join anyone at any of these dates since she won't be stopp'n in the Minne-Apple this time around...provide'n whoever you are...u provide me with an airline ticket...a ticket to the show...and at the very least...a 3 star hotel...that you won't be stay'n at of course...well unless yer Johnny Depp or Johnny Depp adjacent)

then...my BOY is back and better than ever after finish'n his run
as guest judge on the british version of "THE VOICE"...and ready to hit the road once again
with all his original boys from the band
doin their 1st major world tour in years...kick'n off their world tour down under in Adelaide Australia on june 6th...of course i'm like a giddy lil school gurl over the moon...
anxiously await'n to see them once again in...my home state this time...where i won't be poked and prodded by insecure security over a damn belt...on sunday july 24th @ MYTH with my cuz's and a plethora of eventual desperate future stalkers i'm sure
and hope'n this is FINALLY the year that i'll finally get their 1st full length album in years
(that incidentally i might add..i had bought and paid fer 2 years ago now) 
tentatively titled "TRIBES"...with the hit single "MORE THAN SILENCE"

there ya have it kittens...so get yer tickets today before they're all sold out...buy their crap here...and get off my dress!

Monday, May 23, 2016

dedication nation

you've all heard that anally retentive tired old expression...
"opinions are like assholes...we all have one!"

so once the dearly departed Purple Paisley man himself left the build'n
unexpectedly last month...the music world was at a loss...and regardless what the circumstances were...whether you thought he was a musical genius...(as i did)...or simply thought of him as just another drugged out statistic...either case...does not erase his entire legacy he left on the Minneapolis sound or his imprint in the music world

flash forward to the obligatory tributes that would be presented
to honor his incredible legacy...from Minneapolis to Milan and everywhere in between

when i heard that none other than the QUEEN herself would be
pay'n tribute to Minnesota's own masterpiece...i was beyond excited to see what she would once again pull off to perfection...as she did with the Superbowl years back

but of course anyone...whether yer a life long fan...or just some...bored ageist/uneducated millennial...try'n to pathetically change a bunch of

case in point...this pseudo FB friend of mine by default dime store dj made it public on his page...how though apparently a fan of MADONNA's...
(well i can admit he did dj my highly successful official "REBEL HEART" tour party @ some non heterosexual liquor establishment last october when the QUEEN was in town) was not a fan of Billboard's pick as the QUEEN to pay tribute to the PRINCE...fine...like the statement above...yer entitled to yer opinion...but you also do realize that yer opinion can and will be dissected by whomever happens to see it in their feed...if they're bored  while wait'n fer their nails to dry...and that we live in the technological world where yer comments can and will be cemented in a screen shot fer future generations to decipher...so let the games B-E-G-I-N!
as another post popped up...i decided to post just a simple retort otherwise known as MY OWN OPINION to both their posts
but apparently...no meteorologist could predict the sudden shit storm that was about to go down all from MY SIMPLE OPINION...and lemme tell ya somethin'...homo don't play that!
think'n that the clouds would just eventually dissipate...i continued to wait fer my paint to dry...
  well Miss SENSITIVE CUNT RUFFLE DAVIS...if you thought i was RUDE already...you ain't seen nutt'n yet cuz this is MY UNIVERSE...and i don't ride the PC bus so yer rays cannot harm me here...now be gone before someone drops a house on top of you too...

in the distance...i could tell a tornado of stupidity was about to begin...
so apparently Miss SENSITIVE CUNT RUFFLE DAVIS had some back-up jack...to jack her back her up...
i guess this horribly highlighted queen from New Ulm,MN...Missy Thomas...decided to pull up her trusty book of salacious synonyms from google and desperately tried to rip me a new A double snake hole use'n my name...queen puhleez!
of course by now...the moderator of the post decided to chime in...while i aptly applied a 2nd coat...so of course by now...you know it was time fer me to remove my muzzle
in the old days...this would've been settled with a simple joust'n session on a horse i believe...but OHHH NO!
no...but as a producer/editor/director of Urban Primate Studio in the year 2016 i guess you can...good fer you kitten!...but Miss Thomas would rise up once again and tried to slay me with her horrible highlights by hysterically throw'n in a lil more lame shade...before she started her home lobotomy perm
HELLO...then Miss "scratch my record" Blowtorch...who easily knew the outcome before the show would even begin apparently...hadda toss her twat into this rectally retarded ring
 by now...the paint had dried and i was fried that my SIMPLE OPINION in the very start could cause a commotion within a span of an hour with supposedly educated adults (and i use that term "educated" very loosely) but oh did she tighten her pigtails and pull up her big girl britches and let me have it...
again...HER OPINION...but seriously Miss Blowhard...sweeping the bathroom floors of condoms...cum rags and candy wrappers at Paisley Park does not really make you an educated Purple expert...now does it?
except there really was nothing to ACCEPT you dime store dj...it was merely AN OPINION from yer post...SIMPLE PIMPLE!
well again...just cuz he "spins records" pushes buttons on his ipod...and continued to not let the entire conversation go...(well unless she was paint'n  her nails too) she apparently can't figer out that my retorts to other posts were MY OPINION...there was no argument that i started at all...but i believe YOU HAVE!
so in the end...Miss Reeces Peace's...by the almighty power vested to her in her most typical passive aggressive Minnehopelis ways...and with the help of her army of FB "friends" asshats...decided she could no longer handle MY OPINIONS and banished me from her page...F-O-R-E-V-E-R...
leave'n me all alone along the informational highway...bring'n my FB army down by one
but now you all can live in infamy...in MY UNIVERSE! the BIllboard Awards WAS NOT thee only award show that will pay tribute to the Little Red Corvette...there will be many other award shows to follow...with other performers pay'n their respects...so basically...chill the fuck out!

well...in the end...as the last remain'n trinity of musical geniuses goes...
MADONNA did a beautifully perfect and acceptable tribute to a friend...a musical genius and a former flame fer live tv...and the asshats and their wasted whiney petition weren't even on the entertainments radar that nite so it was just a complete waste of petty time...but they can pat themselves on the back from the couple thousand signatures they received and look back at this post in 10 years and know that they stuck to their guns and stuck it to the QUEEN!

now get off my dress! 

Monday, May 16, 2016

what's up doc?

so there i was...shoot'n the shit with one of my old friend's mom...
as old man winter decided to make a surprise visit over the weekend...thankfully without 8 inches (the neighborhood ho' fulfilled that position)

decide'n if ambrosia salad tasted better with tiny coconut flakes or...
mini marshmallows or as a combo package

whether or not we really needed to do the time warp again...
and if ya took away the toup and all the cheetos pressed powder...
the republican front runner Frump...is nothin' more than just the grumpy old geezer that lives next door to you...who smells like old man stew and a splash of old spice...ya know...just stuff ya talk about when you're done with the proverbial BS chatter

when all of a sudden the conversation segued into that annoy'n weezy
 cough i'd had once before...that reared it's ugly head once again fer the past couple of weeks and she informed me to go in and get it checked out cuz it might be mold in my lungs...since i am live'n in some shithole Lavern and Shirley apt in the Wedge area of the Minne-Apple...without any bathroom ventilation 
to which she says...of course...you know if ya do...that means BIG BUCKS!!

though that may be the case after a few years or even longer...
it's so much easier to try on the latest looks from the spring collections of Paris...without try'na haul yer ass around in some 10 ton contraption

so the next day i headed to the local doc's office...
to get my complimentary anal exam lungs checked out from the crypt keeper on staff...who looked like he'd rather be eat'n a bowl of enema's and watch'n a Matlock marathon than deal with my issues...
but i reluctantly gave into his perverted desires and unbuttoned my blouse while huff'n and puff'n a couple of times as requested...as i huffed and puffed my lungs out...i knew i was in no shape to blow anyone's house...mind or anything else down fer that matter...so he sent me down fer my very own glamour shots session of my inner'ds to see what was goin on

as i took that long walk down to the x-ray room...
i was greeted by none other than some Doogie fuck'n Howser MD...i shit you not...again bein' asked to remove my blouse...i might add...without even offer'n to get me a cocktail first...so as he put down his color'n book and i was asked to huff and puff and hold it in as he snapped me fer my close-ups...then sent me back upstairs
as i waited in the upstairs lobby to hear my name bein' called outta the corral of other impatient patients...i thought i'd search on line fer the closest CANDY CRUSH ANONYMOUS meet'n in the neighborhood...since i couldn't get past level 16 fer the past 3 weeks and was gett'n extremely annoyed...
i could'a ripped the head off a over grown illegitimate asswipe Betsy Wetsy doll

finally...my name was called and i was led back to the doc's orafice...
and told to have a seat...hmmm...this never sounds good when yer TOLD to have a seat...
well unless of course...yer deal'n with a hot dominant verbal top...BUTT...such was not the case today

as i sat wait'n fer the inevitable news...i thought...hmmm...
could this be thee adverse side effects from bein' a governmental drug bunny back in my early 20's finally catch'n up with me...or perhaps i took too much antacid in the 90's...i didn't know

the crypt keeper kept silent fer a few seconds...
i thought...ummm...can ya puhleez do yer nom-yo-ho-ho-ren-geng-ki-o another time?...then i thought...OH GREAT!...why wasn't i on the P-I-L-L?...then i remembered...oh yea...i hadn't taken a hot poker up the jaxie in the past 9 months to warrant such an alarm...so what could it be?
well...apparently this doc had gotten his degree from the bottom of some cracker jax box...cuz when my x-rays finally showed up on screen he asked me... 
"what do you see?"

he did not just ask me...what did I SEE?
ummm...thing is Dr. Pepper...i'm a beauty school drop-out...happy to finally be outta the unemployment line i might add...with a master's degree in detect'n bullshit...and come to think of it...what i don't see...is any of those fancy schmancy glorified framed pieces of paper in yer lil orafice here...so why don't ya fake it like yer wife's orgasms and quit play'n 20 ?'s with me...make'n me take off my blouse without the sacrificial cocktail and just tell me what i'm suppose to see or not see...OK?

well...he said everything looked good and prescribed me my meds...
and told me to come back in a couple of weeks if the cough doesn't gone away and he'd consult with a specialist

the experience just left me sorta unsure...even though i was insured...
so i just paid fer my pills and scampered home to a "BREAKING BAD" marathon...and not that i'm one to promote the use of any sorta of narcotic...and apparently i'm 8 years behind the times...i get it meth heads...I'M HOOKED!

by morn'n...i had reread the instructions...
on my bottle of destruction that this "pill" was suppose to do fer my cough...but somethin' inside me said wait til ya get to work and look up the side effects...and thank CHER i did!

the governmental drug of choice you ask?
it was prednisone...used fer a merried of problems...with a handful of adverse side effects...the most common one bein' of MOON FACE from what i read and heard from past users of this medication

needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy to get this news...
so i decided to get a 2nd...more reputable opinion!

after consult'n with the stars...i decided to throw caution to the wind and break the meds in half and see what happens...but if i come outta this...
look'n like some bloated beauty queen unable to slip into my Gloria Vanderbilts any longer...there will be H-E-double hockey stix to pay...guaranteed

now get off my dress!