Monday, December 26, 2011

fruitcake...a twisted ferry tale

tis the season
it's that time of year

blessed are the homely
the hags...this silly queer!

icicles are sparkling
peppermint fills the air

a stripper goes home
with some big jolly stare

snowflakes begin dance'n
from under nite skies of blue

an internationally unknown ferry
with a package full of goo

tinsel and baubles
twinkle with delight

a fruticake in wait'n
for someone's silent nite

the tree has been trimmed
with all of my love

i've scarred all the carolers
and burnt the damn dove

roast'n the chesnuts
champayne would be splash'n

don't fret yer pretty lil ass sweetie darl'n
cuz you know i'll look absolutely smash'n

wrapped in a pashmina
unwrapped from a prezzie

a regretful regift'n
from a cheap spiteful lezzie

in come the north winds
and out blows the trash

it's hard to settle down
while gagg'n from yer gash

so pleez don't you hesitate
you would'nt want to linger

can't i make you come in
with just one finger?

as year comes to a close
creep the feel'ns of distress

i've said all i've come to say
now get the fuck off my dress!

til then kittens!

Monday, December 19, 2011

i'm dream'n of a nite aneurysm

i recently returned from a pilgrimage to grand ol’ Oprahville with a friend of mine…for an appointment to see my hysterically internationally loved friend
Jackie Beat and her NUTCRACKER anti-christmas extravaganza…and trust me when i say...she did not disappoint!

how much holipraize does one person really really need?

her 18 minute 80’s mash-up of music with her twist of lyrical genius made me wish i’d worm my bejeweled colostomy bag…she bedazzled the crowd in her annual tra-la-la event...serve'n up the ho-ho-ho classics…her way
there wasn’t a dry eye in the house from what i couldn’t see…if you ever get the chance to catch her live…YOU MUST!…you’d be mad not to

i couldn’t leave without my friend purchase'n for me a copy of her all time fav-o-rit holiday classics…

the follow’n day apparently i decided to find some locally socially retarded crypt keeper to take with my vitamin D and B-12 and a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice…cuz there i was on the corner of pity avenue and desperado junction at a place called Melrose…
at 10 am on a very brisk morn’n…after spinn’n the roulette wheel of casual encounters off the informational highway...otherwise known as whoreville

to his credit…he was visually appeal’n from his photos he sent me…and i’m sure he totally looked like that…15 years ago!...but unless yer gonna hop on yer time machine trike to meet me in some parallel unisver...why lie?

age has NEVER been a problem with me…well unless yer a first grader or got a foot in the grave…but keep yer chin up…cuz i’m sure someone…somewhere out there…would find you magically delicious

instead of call’n him out from the obvious…i decided i would do my last charitable act of the year and entertain my headache…i’d usually leave out his name as to not embarrass or endanger his non existent mentality…but he has nothing to worry about…as i don’t even recall what his name was…and ya know what…
i might have to send a gift to the guy would invented the delete button feature on my cell phone…cuz i got plenty of good use outta it this year

so this crypt non keeper…from the get go…even before i had a chance to take off my coat...spews out about some X that he used to go with to this restaurant but left him fer someone 10 years younger

REALLY…ya don’t say? he left YOU fer someone 10 years younger?...stop me if i'm wrong...but would it have anything to do with you being so fuck'n socially retarded?

either case...pity party…table of one…yer table is ready!

though this arthritic ape was narcissistically deliscious…

turns out he had shit fer brains!

i was trapped in a homo coma from hell fer the next hour…this post party boi relic had the emotional commitment of an amazonian fruit fly
cuz ALL he talked about was his many X’s that he had consumed over the past 20 years…and how he wants to stay with one person now…who doesn’t wanna do “a lot” of chemically induced recreational fun…or have to go to every white…black…pink hearts…yellow moons…green clovers or blue diamond circuit parties anymore…or feel the need to become a wall flower at any given non heterosexual bar on any given nite of the week

as the bill appears…mr. anal wart calculates down to the last % the amount that is my portion…not that i have a prob pay’n my share mind you…even if he did ask me to have breakfast with him…but this guy alone could keep a therapist in a penthouse suite

ya know what you walk’n cliché?…go tell Oprah…she cares!
cuz i sure as shit didn’t…NEXT! justify my charitable right-off...i decided to purchase myself some charity...and off i meandered down to my fav-o-rit musical haunt
"borderlines" and purchased the complete set of video's of Dead or Alive
i've had issues with dvd's in the past from this store not work'n by the time i would return home...but the owner said the transfer (since it only was released in PAL version) works i did my part in help'n out the small business and local economy

(i hope a certain red head out there read'n this is happy)

later that nite…i headed out to the local intoxication establishments in homoville with my non heterosexual entourage of 4…
we stopped at Sidetracks…the gayborhood hotspot to wash away our holidaze with some holiglaze amongst the sea of eye candy…if i were a fertile woman…i’da bore my 6th bastard child on the way to the powder room…but i left with my purity shield in tact

next destination stop...“the lucky horseshoe” fer new visual stimulations
to see the professionally trained drugged induced "exotic dancers" show

my vacational friend who came with to the windy city was like an explode’n atm machine towards 2 of the “professional dancers” who were as entertain’n as a box of newly opened crayons
until ya started peel’n away the tragic wrapper that was their backstory

as nite followed morn’n and morn’n followed nite…it was rinse and repeat all over again…the second nite ended where it all hydrate
were i’d seen Jackie Beat 2 nites earlier…but tonite was all about flesh for fashion and though i’m not ashamed of the work i put into my body…i don’t feel the need to justify my existence or acceptance by putt'n myself in some narcissistic display case in a room full of desperadovillians
(wait a did this get in here? *snicker*scicker*)

everything was fine to until my local friend…who just oops'd himself into the overrated category…tried ripp’n me a new A double snake hole just cuz i gave a $2 tip on a $11 bill to the hot bartender Paul from the nite before

jesus christ on a cracker!

ok…i’ve worked in the wait staffed industry in the past and by all means that was NOT bein’ cheap…regardless how hot he was…but of course my friend…now drunk…but still coherent enough to see what i tipped
throws a bitch fit over my less than 50% generosity…and demands me to give him a bigger tip…which in turn i told him he’s more than welcome to…which ended up being another 6 bux thanx to him

though quite generous on his drunk part…this does not all of a sudden turn you into a viable candidate to make it to the bartenders bedroom...
that's his job as a bat his eyelashes at any drunk atm machine barely stand'n before him...but gurl puuuhleeeez!...this is not proposal paradise ya freak!

i’ve been friends with him fer 20 years…and he…at times…reminds me how i said to him 20 years ago…how i would never work out when we first met while he was doin’ it daily…well…if i knew 20 years ago…that he would turn into the bloated bitchfest barely stand’n before me now 20 years later…i would’ve never returned his call…but i guess people change…sometimes fer the better…sometimes fer the bloated

i passed the 26 foot Marilyn later that nite on the way home…
and decided i no longer felt the need to save hotel money on my next visit to the windy city!

all in all…i was glad i came…and due to popular demand…i did…once!
but on my next visit…would the overrated PUHLEEZ get off my dress!

ps...oh...and on top of all this...remember that dvd of Dead or Alive video's i purchased for my charity work?...well i popped it in the other nite after a tough work-out...and guess don't work

DAMN IT all to hell!!

pps...but to leave on a happy happy joy joy cool is blog has hit the 10,000 mark...i'm have'n a total...
ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding a da ding de dong
shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-ed-y
shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-y boom de boom
ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding-a de ding de dong
shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy
shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-ty boom de boom
a wop ba-ba lu-mop...a wop bam boom moment now...thanx kittens!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Dear Santa...a clause?

i was read'n over the new rules and regulations that you passed in the elf senate recently...
and i'd like to start by say'n...i am not too happy about yer "conditions and calculations" clause that states...and i quote

"if unforeseeable economical circumstances are foreseen and are not forecasted from the previous year...up to and including stock market crashes or wall street clashes...big bank bail-outs and political contributions from unknown contributors to block certain religiously political agendas...
then the trustee...known as the speaker of the house...known as the delivery person to the world...may then make any and all contractual obligations herein null and void until said situations are deemed no longer a threat to the bottom line of profitability"


i mean...i'm sorry about all the reindeer layoffs...some of yer elves loose'n their lifesave'ns due to that ponzi investment...and those unfortunate incidents involve'n Coach Comet that put shame on yer institution

but i'm not play'n any of yer reindeer games bowl full of jello shots...though i wish peace and good will to all those GOP assholes
up to and include'n all that other unattainable shit that goes along with all the tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la season'n...may i suggest somethin' to ya?

the hungry can starve...the homely can suck it...and the rest can go to hell!

this is MY blog and MY demands...i mean..."suggestions"...that i would like fulfilled as much as possible...or you can forget about Red ever pull'n yer sleigh again...cuz he'll be push'n up daisies instead...kapeesh!

here's a lil pic to prove i mean business!

now listen up!...this year i would like to forgo the embarrassment of open'n yet another regretfully wasted homemade or unthought-out present to me
as i am perfectly fine make'n myself look like an ass any time i choose!

do i need to remind you...that i have been a very good internationally unknown performing illusionist this year…as you may or may not already know...and as a result…i have attached my top 10 list and would appreciate the follow’n gifts delivered to my doorstep no later than 7 am christmas morn’n…

the new KING OF QUEENS coffee table book of Boy George
you may need to take out a 2nd mortgage on yer sleigh...but i'm so worth it...i swear to CHER!

Boy George given his US visa back for Culture Club’s 30th anniversary tour
so i don't have to sell one of yer kidneys to see him abroad next year

season 5 of “Dexter” and season 3 of “True Blood
hey...what can i say...i'm a non heterosexual hemophiliac fanatic

the Kardashian kanker sore klan kompletely kicked to the kurb
from any and all air waves and advertisements thru-out the world

Sandra Bernhard’s new cd “i love being me…don’t you?”
an added bonus would be tickets to see her in the big apple on new year's eve...and unless you got room in yer sleigh...i'm gonna need a flight as well...but i won't push it!

Rick Santorum and Michelle Bachmann given a complimentally home's like a home perm without all that messy odor and clean up
i just feel a make-over would make them seem less...oh can i put this delicately with the spirit of give'n in mind...ummm...fuck'n retarded!

Linda Lavin to sing me any of her fav-o-rit tunes of all time…
in my pinto blow about barely operational wheeley machine...why not!

backstage bartender on the new episodes of “ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS
hell i don't care if i'm their toilet bowl cleaner...i'm just glad they're back!

Madonna's calendar for 2012...i've bought every one since 1985
shut's my my piggy bank could use a break for a change

to be transformed into Joe Manganiello’s underwear fer a day
since i'm save'n myself and choose'n celibacy this celebratory season

see...not only am i think'n mostly of myself this holidazzle season...but i am also think'n of how others would want me to see myself as well...

if you were me

don’t fuck this up fat ass!

kisses Kringle xoxo

love Krystal

oh ps...and if ya wouldn't mind pleez...get of my dress!