Monday, August 14, 2017

come together in every nation!

this year marks the 30th anniversary when me & my unfortunately old bff
worshiped at the alter of the QUEEN in St Paul, MN 
and ever since...i've been absofuckinglutely addicted!

well it's been almost 2 damn long years since i had the opportunity to marinate in all her glorious essence live...after host'n thee OFFICIAL REBEL HEART tour party in the Minne-Apple (my 2nd time around i might add)...my genius video friend Tony even made a kick-ass commercial fer my gig (though the bar management was a royal pain in my A double snakes to work with...it was a H-U-G-E success...but i guess i digress) 
and now...F-I-N-A-L-L-Y...she is set to release her global domination onto the nation once again from her amazingly spectacular sold out "REBEL HEART TOUR" on her 59th birthday this wednesday august 16th...order yer copy today

those who got to witness the QUEEN stake claim to her crown with DICK
on AMERICAN BANDSTAND back in 1984...felt her confidence when she declared she wanted to "rule the world"...and she has ever since then as far as the music world is concerned...
for someone who's been beat up by critics and crazy ass fans fer more than 30 years in the biz...she's persevered and prevailed and has never had to abdicate her crown...break'n her back and shatter'n the ceil'n as far as live entertainment has never seen the likes of before...so i thought i'd go back thru her illustrious career of live performances...(and what was available on youtube.com and gif form to tell my story) so without further ado...i give you my top 13 ALL TIME FAV live moments from the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR...let's begin shall we?
#13...though she looked more like a rejected 80's mall rat from Sheboygan Wi...M has always remembered where she came from and has always give'n up her time to causes close to her heart by perform'n fer the biggest audience fer the biggest cause at the time at LIVE AID to help fight famine in Africa with "HOLIDAY"
#6...one of M's most grittiest and rawest performances from her early days on the VIRGIN TOUR...declare'n she will "take you by surprise" with the beat of the electronic cow bell...her dirty blonde locks flipp'n and dripp'n in sweat...much like a priest on a playground...as she shook her money maker like nobody's bizness with "GAMBLER"...lett'n the audience know right up front "yer just jealous cuz ya can't be me" (and trust me...we ALL do want to be)
#5...after contact'n M's merch peeps when M finally decided to return to the land of 10, 000 lakes 9,999 bottoms (it's soo hard to be me) after a 25 year absence in 2015...i became thee OFFICIAL tour party hostess in St. Paul MN durin' her MDNA stop...and trust me...like M...i was a "GIRL GONE WILD"...and take'n a page right outta M's philosophy...we raised alot of benjamins fer the MATTHEW SHEPPARD FOUNDATION that year
#2...every performer goes thru mishaps and malfucktions durin' performances at some point in their career...but when it happens on live tv like it did back 2015 on the BRIT AWARDS fer M...it was the shock wave that was felt thru-out the music world...but just like M's live snafu with a suicidal earring 25 years earlier...M bein' the very consummate perfectionist that she has always been...was triumphantly unapologetic and carried on with the show...M made the appropriate changes when she was "LIVING FOR LOVE" at the 2015 GRAMMY AWARDS with her back breaking performance
#1...love to hate her or hate that you love her so much...MADONNA proved she truly is the undeniable QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR when she brilliantly executed her powerhouse performance that football fans had never before seen the likes of in the history of halftime shows...durin' the 2012 SUPERBOWL...with the perfect blend of new and classics hits by the hitmaker...along with a few of her famous followers back'n up the QUEEN...to make it the highest rated show ever in the history of halftimes at the time
so there ya have it kittens...a "CELEBRATION" of my fav-o-rit live performances by the QUEEN...(i'm sure you all have yer own) give it up fer thee absofuckinglutely ultimately awesomeist LIVIN' LEGEND...HAPPY 59th MADONNA...many more...now get off my dress!

Monday, August 7, 2017

over & out

much like our chetto'd TWITTER BITCH's outta control and unfortunately...
still in command...teeny tiny sprinkler system

it's been some time now since i held the annual FUCKTARD awards
here me out kittens...you don't even know half the shit that goes on "behind" the scenes of these award winn'n shows...fer instance...recently i hadda make unfortunate cuts to my spermicidal budget ever since my
beyond Beyonce bubbalisciousness had an unfortunate accident 
ok...well so i was doin latino squats once again at the gym...with him (trust me...a t-o-t-a-l meeeeeouch!)...but now i'm stuck...laid up...and roll'n around
like a paraplegic hooker in hell
plus...sponsors were dropp'n as fast as the clowns at the DC circus
luckily though...one sponsor decided to stick with me through all this shit...and thankfully...they fit well with tonite's nominees

so let's get right to it...shall we?...up first is my fav-o-rit SPICE girl
OLD SPICE...
ever since the brilliance known as the SWEENEY SISTERS left in the late 80's
let's see...who's made the next cut?...i'm as nervous as Jesus Luz when Madonna decided to cut him off...
OMG...i'm so so shocked...it's the REAL WHITE HOUSE WHINEY BITCH OF DC...i searched google relentlessly...fortunately fer us though...there were no fuckable photo's available...but thanx to my pseudo good friend Kristen Dunst who snap chatted me the nominee...
 only cuz she still has me at a 5000 foot restrain'n order fer bitch slapp'n her back in 2006 fer her lack luster performance in Maria Antoinette and demand'n my benjamins back

last up on my list...the only fuckable WHITE HOUSE worker since JFK...
well...only cuz he reminded me of that hot evil cop from the TERMINATOR...
Scaramucci...known simply as "the MOOCH"...but also known as our TWITTER BITCH'n toilet paper...not cuz he only lasted inside the walls of the WHITE  HOUSE as long as my bi-weekly metro pass
or have politically satirical genius Stephen Colbert cover him in a QUEEN song
and not thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe like he should...but now that yer outta a job and yer wifey has gone bye bye...
call me Tony...i'm wait'n

and now the moment you've all been wait'n for...this year's winner 
FUCKTARD award goes to pharmaceutical cockroach and very much deserved recipient...who was actually featured a couple years back...
right here on my blog

congratulations Martin fer all yer very special work you did to better yer fellow americans by milk'n them dry when they needed you the most...
hmmm...anyone wanna donate some soap on the rope?...i'm sure he'd really really appreciate it
well...there ya have it kittens...hope ya hadda blast...i wanna thank all my nominee's...now if you pleez...it's time fer me get back on my knee's...and scrub
so get off my dress!

Monday, July 31, 2017

G.I. Josephine

close yer eyes and picture it...september 17th 1972
well if ya do...just make sure there's someone next to you read'n you this weeks late break'n ramblin's kitten...otherwise yer not gonna get anywhere...so anywho'zll'ding...
most of us born before the Cabbage patch crazy...totally remember fall'n in love with the out spoken antics of one cross dress'n Corporal Klinger...
who originally planned on hopp'n a plane in Toledo Ohio...head'n to Oshkosh Wisconsin...to compete in the MISS CHEDDAR HEAD competition that year...but somehow boarded the wrong plane after he asphyxiated on his Aqua Net while back comb'n his wig to the heavens and ended up in the middle of the Korean War fer 11 seasons...though he did his damnedest try'n to come up with as many many fabooshka outfits he could to convince the general he wasn't fit to fight...and though it never worked...he made the most of a bad situation and still served along his fellow troops like everyone else

fast forward to 40 years later...and a middle of the nite tweet 
from our TWITTER BITCH in command & outta control...state'n that the transgendered soldiers were a burden on the country's military expenses by about 8 million a year roughly for medical costs
the transgendered community has been fight'n fer their rights and their country fer years and DO NOT deserve to be treated any less than anyone else...regardless what yer fuck'n VOODOO religions preach to you...BOY GEORGE even dedicated a song to their struggles 20 years ago
and since were on the topic of pricks with no purpose...what about the bullshit that crypt keep'n McCain try'd pull'n the other week after gett'n the of cadillac of chemo treatments with his sushy healthcare just to turn around and try'na blow'n up the healthcare system that saved his pathetic pancake ass...luckily redeem'n himself a week later by give'n the final FUCK YOU to our TWITTER BITCH's plans to destroy healthcare fer million without
but lets give credit where credit is due and not ferget the 2 republican sista's that we're already doin it fer themselves
but don't take my word fer it...why not listen to this brassy loud mouthed babe...Miss Bernhard...tell it a bit more eloquently than me...& how most of americans are feel'n currently in this fucked up reality show of an administration

luckily there's some sanity in the world...so if yer in the BIG APPLE...
 and wanna see reason this broadway season to thee hottest and most important show in town by the ever entertain'n political satirist...Mr. Moore...get yer tickets here

so call yer senators demand'n them to step the fuck up with this...
ass wipe administration...that is all!...now get off my dress!