Monday, June 26, 2017

2 tears in the bucket?...FUCK IT!

everyone has dreams and wishes...or hopefully most have at the very least one....about a plethora of many many things that they'd wish for if they...
had the chance...whether it be winn'n the lotto...or rubb'n out their own Jeanie...to come true
this list usually consists of things that are either attainable...affordable and sometimes...even asinine...but none the less...these are yer very own accomplishments that you wanna get credit for doin' or purchase'n...before you kick that almighty can

so one of my ever dearly (and thankfully) undeparted friends...
Mrs. "Who Cares...I OWN A STORE" Werner...came up with this concept awhile back...simply entitled..."THE FUCK IT LIST"
now don't get this confused with that lil black book of names and gold stars you've been carry'n around in yer back pocket fer a rainy day kitten...oh no no no no NO!

this list basically is the anti BUCKET LIST...mean'n that...it's stuff yer just ain't ever gonna do before you die...regardless of the peer pressure
i thought about it long and hard (and NO i wasn't at the time...you dirty lil bird!) so without further ado... here is my top 10  FUCK IT! LIST :

10. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna bungee jump...EVER!...so don't ask me!
i've experienced vertigo one too many times dur'in my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe career...and like i/ve always said...
if i wanna get a rush outta bein' high..i'll just add another inch to my heels!

9. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna swim in the big blue ocean...
    as long as there are ANY sea creatures in them...
if i can't see the bottom...i'm not gett'n in...sorry charlie

8. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna jump outta a plane...
    with or without a parachute...not on my life!

7. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna set sails on the mighty sea...
 i have never been a fan of seafood...nor do i ever wanna become seafood...EVER!

6. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna feel scalpel to skin...fer vanity reasons

well...lemme clarify...if by some chance...i just happened to trip and fall unconsciously onto a cosmetic gurney dur'in my Blanch Devereaux years...and become youthinized fer a few hours...is that really MY FAULT?...but i fer damn sure ain't gonna be clipp'n no damn coupons or download'n any BOGO deals from the internet...thanx to 80's heartthrob Mickey Rourke...who went from fuckable to forgettable
but i heard he's been give'n a 2nd chance with hollyweird...and just landed the lead role in the live action christmas classic...play'n the Heat Miser...good fer him

5. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna get a pet snake....
    WAIT...let me clarify that one!

4. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna fake-n-bake my body...
    just to look like a baboon's ass...it's just not happen'n!...i like my smooth supple alabasterized ass the way it is

3. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna meet Marilyn Monroe...
    no matter how many ouiga boards i try and contact her on..and that truly saddens me

2. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna participate in the runn'n of the bull...
    how does that old say'n go? FUCK with the bull...yer gonna get the horns...i'm sure this guy wishes he had a V-8 instead that morn'n

and the numbero uno FUCK IT!
Drummond roll over in yer grave pleez...

1. FUCK IT!...i'm just neva eva gonna eat raw sushi...EEEEW!...
      it's just sooo unnatural and creepy...to me! 
(this does not mean i don't love the QUEEN any less)

there you have it kittens...this concludes my FUCK IT! list...fer now...
make yer own unfun and unfabulous list...and FUCK IT!...get of my dress!

Monday, June 19, 2017

color coded calamity

ever since the mid 1970's...i knew i had a serious case of the jock itch
i would try and find my "alone time" in the bedroom that i shared with 3 of my brothers...just to flip to the back pages...past the cross-my-heart brazzier ads of the "adults only" section in Joan Crawford's monthly JC Penny bible that she would receive in the mail...meticulously and discretely remove'n any and all ads with golf hottie Jim Palmer at the seams...then fantasize'n fer hours about the size of Jim Palmer's "chubbed club" that was wrapped ever so snug in his jockey undergarment 
when the mid 1980's began...though i had my core crowd of misfits that i will always be eternally grateful for...i no longer hid the fact that i was destined to become the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am today...i was on my way...much to my peers & town folks anger...include'n my family's distilled embarrassment (though MOST of em have learned to evolve since then...thankfully)
by the time the mid 1990's rolled around...i threw caution to the wind (thanx to my good friend Peetrinella and Lew) and finally was in full bloom...nothing was gonna stop my persistence and perseverance at this point...regardless what anyone had to say or attempted to do to me in the process...(and trust me...i heard and felt it all) and if you didn't like it...well...my attitude was always...
be gone before someone drops a house on top of you too!
cuz when ya boil it down like a bag of bad broccoli...if i ain't fuck'n you...and you ain't fuck'n me...then tell me why the fuck do you care who i fuck? cuz i sure as shit on a single shingle don't fuck'n care who's fuck'n who!

it's just like when a potential failure tried to pollinate the virtues
of an innocent on liquor this past weekend on some social media scoreboard designed fer slimy slither'n succubus's (screen names and photo's and all previous chatter up to this point has been deleted to save the guilt and shame of these booty popp'n heathens)
ps...i am the guilty plaintiff in yellow

now that's that outta the way...let's get to to core of today's menial message
known simply as those into scat catt'n
and they desperately pleaded to finally have there community represented properly 
OH WAI'DA'MIN'IT...my bad...it's not about the crowd of crappers this time...(but trust me...their shit will hit the fan someday...i'm sure of it...LITERALLY!)
no...this is about a select group of people of color...and perhaps some of their allies...who got their titties in a twist...all cuz they felt they were bein' misrepresented all over again
and before ya get all NAACP on my alabaster A double snakes...to quote the Queen of Mean...
"i've had more black dick in me than the urinals at the Apollo!" (sorta)

now...let me be Lucifer's whore fer just one minute...(as the hard core sodomistic right winged CASPER fear'n lobotomized fairy tale'n freaks see me anyways)...it's hard enough what me and those before me have had... 
to stuggle thru grow'n up between...STONEWALL...
AIDS...
so with all that in mind...why oh why is there any reason to get bitchy about a couple of colored stripes this season that aren't represent'n a community of already oppressed kittens thru-out the planet on the PRIDE flag...when the flag doesn't represent just a certain classification of people...but for ALL who have been persecuted by priests...politicians...& perverts over the yrs
BUTT...don't just take my word fer it though...
don't make petty pointless battles when ours is still a long way from over...
READ A BOOK...KNOW YER HISTORY...LEARN FROM YER ELDERS...B ALL U WANNA BE...HAPPY PRIDE!
now get off my dress!

Monday, June 12, 2017

in the HOT SEAT

well after that read'n that Comey gave our TWITTER BITCH
last friday...made me rethink how we really think we know someone...and then we don't!

my think'n cap was at the cleaners this weekend…my brain was on strike…
and my body...or at least some appendage...was in (well...wouldn't you like to know you dirty lil kitten)…it's mashed potato time...so i decided to have a one on one with myself...(many forms of lubrication were abused in this process)

well...anyone that knows anything about me…
(insert awww's here...my "matty ya lil fatty" period my uncle Ed used to say durin' 2nd grade to me)...knows that i have had perfectly arched eyebrows ever since i was an infantile infidel
BOY GEORGE
and MADONNA
have always been and will always be my link to life ever since i was a teenage terror at the tender and supple age of 13
the color green
the number 3 (for no particular reason)
and fruit round out rest of the typical useless ?'s that you don't care to know about me already

now it's time to dive into the deep end kittens…

1)what was the first job you wanted when you grew up?

hey don't rush things…gimme 5 more years and i'll start gett'n serious...
anyways…this was my actual first job i thought that i totally wanted to be when i was able to get a pay check...i was about 13ish or so at my cuz's house across the yard from us...one hot summer afternoon with a couple of my sibs and seen my first porno movie…i thought…hey i could lay there like a dead hooker moan'n and groan'n and have some hot stud pound me like a jack hammer on steroids (of course...i would'a wanted another guy in my flick…i never really understood nor could grasp the concept why my cuz and his roomies would want to watch man on woman porn…it made absolutely zero sense to me (much like many of the brain dead Twitter bitch supporters still after all that we now know) it all seemed so very very unnatural…but hey…who am i to judge?) plus…i was already good at moan'n and groan'n as a child…i just needed to bump it up a bit

2)if you could have anyone play you in a movie...who would it be?
X...fictional characters don't exist...therefore...cannot play me
X....even though i consider him to be the hottest man alive
(plus... who doesn't love a bad boy with an irish accent)
stay tuned to find out at the end

3)what talent do you wish you had?

the ability to make socially retarded people interest'n…
this would include those who think they are from a higher untouchable species...parents with uncontrollable kids...up to and include'n past friends who have chosen to recreate their youth and ignore my pleas to patch up their fade'n existence with me
hey i'm sorry...but they belong here if they can't behave...besides...they look much happier and it's better than make'n 'em a back hand sammich to eat...right?

militant republicans…bible thump'n inbreds are all usually found in this category as well...but so are pretty much most dates i've been on in the past couple of years (any past date read'n this and feel'n a bit offended by this statement…go ahead and include yerself in this category...trust me...yer worth it!)

4)what's the last book you read?

"cry salty tears" by Dinah O'dowd…
ok...i'm gett'n paid no promotional fees fer this...but it's a really good tearjerker of a book...i made it all the way to the end without need'n to fast forward to the visuals or have anything pop out on every other page...it's the story of an irish mother's survival and eventual triumph over almost unbelievable domestic hardship and prolonged metal torture and destructive ignorance…yet successfully raised a family of 6 and nurtured the unique personality of a world superstar
i could totally see Shirley MacLaine act'n the shit outta this part

5)what's yer worst habit?
think'n i have the abilities of  #2…(when i can barely pull off a proper #2 these days) i've tried it many a time...but i always ended up feel'n like they have no reason to live in my universe

5)in one word…how would you describe yerself?
in my world FREAK equals creative…stands out…one of a kind...so it's not really a bad thing
(and when you know more tricks that a rodeo clown...yer not exactly a Norman Rockwell paint'n now...are ya?)

6)what’s yer biggest pet peeve?
(militant republicans and religious people can sit out on this one... since they have no power over me)

it's mainly girocks and their inability to be nice to anyone…
(also known as phonies...fakers...uppity A double snake holes)

it's as if this breed was born without a conscious...whether yer a friend...family member...co-worker...phone personality...receptionist...a skyway stalker or the sad cashier at the neighborhood video store...just BE NICE! (and yes i am aware i am a work in progress myself at times...but in my defense...it's usually always warranted when i'm not) but the worst are these people that are co-op crunch'n munchers…choke'n on overpriced organic free range gluten bullshit snacks...whipp'n around town in their over-priced hybrid cars...recycle'n their political correctness along with their glass bottles and cans...yet they don't even practice common manners to others that don’t "fit" into their cookie cutter world…how can you whine about want'n a safer world if you can't even manage to be NICE to everyone around you?
where's that bucket of water dissolvable boric acid when ya need it?

7)name 3 movies you can pretty much recite the entire dialogue by heart?
"SHORTBUS"
best line: "these bitches sucking cock and eating ass...then they show up at the buffet and say they're vegan"
"MURIEL'S WEDDING"
best line: "you're terrible Muriel"
"SORDID LIVES"
best line: "Leticia Bustamonte...that sweet little mexican girl who stocks
the shelves...told me Jim-Ed had to reinforce that stool with lugnuts"

8)who is the one famous person you would bring back to life?
hmmm…well since jesus is just a figment of some brain dead lobotomized apocolyptical imagination…i'm gonna go with Marilyn Monroe…just to see how she would fair in this time of nip-n-tucks…if she'd ring Madonna's neck and what she really knew about the Kennedy's and the mafia

9)what "SEX and the CITY" gal am i at the moment?
though i've been all of them at one time or another…MIRANDA HOBBS best describes me these days…i think things thru a lot more carefully these days…have no time to put up with shit from anyone…and have no need to see "sky rockets in flight" with anyone's help
(subject to change at any moment though)

10)what are the 3 top tv series the best describe me?
"STRANGERS with CANDY"
"the YOUNG ONES"
and yes...still "SEX and the CITY"

11)what 3 things do i want by this time next year?
new city
new job
and be able to pull of a pair of low riders...on someone like him

bonus round: who do you think you'll resemble in 20 years?
hands down...if i'm lucky to still be here...i wanna be the care free...nail paint'n land lady Mrs. Roper...just slap on a wig from the Eva Gabor collection...a muumuu and some tacky jewelry and call it a day!

oh ya...suuuurvey says?
John Cameron Mitchell...in HEDWIG...so very very ME!
now get off my dress!