Monday, July 28, 2014

brannanrama

when ya think of the most famous woman in the world...
who single handedly recreated how the musical wheel is spun and turned underwear into outerwear...the first person that comes to everyone's mind from toddlers to teenagers...skaters to haters...and trannies to grannies...EVERYBODY knows there's only one M-A-D-O-N-N-A!

when ya think of the cringe worthy devastate'n rise in ear bleedage...
due to the recent leakage of a non auto toned single...you think of Britney Spears...who herself only found out after all these years...it really wasn't here smooth sultry voice that caused pandemonium on all those records but producers who turned her into some sorta robotic vixen after endless hours in the studio...well...needless to say...this news caused such a commotion to devoted Spearheads from around the world...that they impaled themselves on theirs
outta sheer embarrassment fer mock'n Miss Aguilera's true talent all those years

when ya think about ogilvy home permanents gone wrong...
armed with only a guitar...belt'n out beautifully penned lyrics about social injustice and personal despair that cut thru the very essence of yer soul...and piss'n on the CASPER crusaders at the same time...of course no one does it better than Sinead O'Connor

but today ain't about her either!

as the model/charm'n guitar pluck'n luscious lipped Ceth
 (aka Sarah Problem)
who entangles himself in a menage a' trois with James and Jamie...and gives a whole new mean'n to sing'n the national anthem
and recorded his 1st professional track "soda pop" along with many other talented song birds for the film's soundtrack

also appear'n in other indie flicks like...
 "HOLDING TREVOR" and "KISS OF THE DAMNED"

urge'n the couch potato's to get off their ass...and start pump'n up their pancake ass

this non heterosexual (allegedly i presume) from the BIG APPLE...
started out at the bottom in cow town texas...but slowly made his way to the top of the charts...armed only with his unfortunately strike'n good looks and his guitar

singer...songwriter and all around hot as fuck (in my eyes) with those eyes...
 Jay Brannan has been compared to guitar pluck'n greats in the music biz like...
 Tracy Chapman...Joni Mitchell...and Sinead O'Connor
among many others by industry folks

described as not fer the faint of heart...but perfect fer the broken hearted...
with his sweet and sorrowful melancholic lyrics and indie folk style for the instant oatmeal generation...Jay can turn the bitterest bastard into a weep'n puddle of regret...tear'n you apart from the inside out with his tenor voice and the simple strumm'n of his guitar

start'n off with his 4 song epic EP simply titled "UNMASTERED"...
i found by mistake while search'n for porn download'n music on a lazy afternoon...i fell in love with his voice after here'n his unapologetic plea on "half boyfriend" and  "body's a temple"

mr. hotness released his 1st critically acclaimed album "GODDAMN"...
in the summer of 2008...release'n music video's for my all time fav track on the album "can't have it all" and "housewife"

a year later Jay released his sophomore album "IN LIVING COVER"...
 pretty much a x-c-lent covers album...brilliantly cover'n the Cranberries hit "zombie" and Joni Mitchell's "all i want" among many others...with a couple of his own hits thrown in...like his beautifully beautiful hit "beautifully"

his 3rd album released on his own Great Depression Records...
"ROB ME BLIND" in 2012 included the title track "rob me blind" and "greatest hits"...plus his heart warm'n re-release of "beautifully"

release'n his EP in 2013 aptly titled..."AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 JAYS"...
recorded in 6 different languages...crammed full of eclectic acoustic covers...like "bidi bidi bom bom" by the late Selena and Sinead O'Connor's "black boys on mopeds"

with the release of this years much anticipated "ALWAYS THEN+NOW"
his 1st release of melancholiness on "blue haired lady" and back to the beginn'n with "square one"...Jay has definitively made his mark on the music world

he even released a couple of xmas tunes to help cure those holidazed hassles

his voice just not enough fer you?...hey no prob...

it was time to hit the road once again...well...so his electricity wouldn't get shut off...so i was lucky to catch his brilliance in live'n color last week in the
Minne-Apple at the Triple Rock Bar...open'n with him was his good friend and SHORTBUS cohort...
BITCH 
(not to be confused with that CUNT Flowers tragedy from the Minne-Apple)
armed with her electric violin...keytar and her quirky style...BITCH was the perfect match that captivated the crowd until Jay hit the stage
 his tour is already in full swing and will appear all across the US...then hopp'n the northern boarders to Canada before complete'n his fabulousness across Europe in the fall
click here fer dates and tickets

wanna win a nite with this brilliant arteest?...get in fuck'n line...i was here 1st!...(sorry ladies but he doesn't have the taste buds fer taco salad...well
allegedly anyways) but you can check more out about him by click'n here

discrete stalkers can follow him along the informational highway below:

so get his music...buy his cool crap...and get tickets to his show TODAY!
you'd be an absolute A double snake not to

now get off my dress!



Monday, July 21, 2014

reap what you sew

fine...i'll just say it...KIDS ARE ASSHOLES!...and don't gimme grief about it
or start write'n to yer congressman/woman...political pedophiles...or march'n in the streets with yer picket signs and petitions...or burn'n me at the stake to prove me wrong...you know this to be true...well...ok maybe not ALL...BUT...

there's always one kitten that'll pounce on those who are weaker...
just to prove that they are a total A double snake hole to their friends...it's an annoy'n but all to often an acceptable passage into teenage life

kids just being kids!

i had fergotten about most of my teenage angst and ridicule that i suffered at the hands of certain peers thru-out high school...like most do once they leave the shell of their former self...that is until you get an invite to yer 25
year reunion of hell high school...so i decided to hop on my huffy bike and remember how cruel a certain portion of the prepubescent pimple population can really be to their generational flock

after a much deserved nervous breakdown during my religious education in 10th grade...i got my pink slip to finally attend public education...after being
 forced to attended J-man high school fer the past 3 years of my life...oh BTW...the prepubescent pimple population AIN'T any better in the J-man schools...just FYI

by my 3rd day at public education...most of my friends that i had acquired pre-high school...were no longer interested nor remembered who i was...
and i couldn't blame them...I WAS NO LONGER the "Kermie"..."mohican" or any of the other countless nicknames i was christened durin' my grade school life...but i was much happier than i had been fer the past 3 years of hell in the CASPER classroom 

but 3 years and puberty later...we ALL had completely changed everything
physically...mentally...and socially...why not!...i no longer was sport'n the Richie Cunningham cut...my somewhat squeeky clean image annoyed me...
i don't follow leaders...
THEY FOLLOW ME!

it was the 80's...and i had built a shield of ownership and independence thanx in part to the fab worlds of my 2 hero's...Boy George and Madonna
whenever i was frustrated with life (or not watch'n porn at my cuz's) i would lock myself in my room for hours...turn up my boombox...tune out my family and the worries would melt away as i auditioned in my own dimly lit spotlight

i had finally tossed away my depression pants and suppression blouse i had worn for 3 years in J-man school...and was a tick'n time bomb that finally
exploded all over everyone around me since i was no longer shackled to the demented and demonic religious rules or under any religious fashion police regime

a force field i had found in a 10 oz. can...was both intoxicate'n and toxic...
but it held up my confidence...independence...along with my out-of-control mane that was completely controllable with a few 10 second streams of my fav-o-rit liquid schlack...i figered nothing or no one could huff or puff or blow my pre unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe world down

that is...until 7:45 am one morn'n

my good friends from grade school...Wendy and Shelly...
not to be confused with Wendy and Lisa...well cuz they weren't play'n with the lil purple paisley man on stage...(that i was aware of anyways)...so anywho...as i began acclimate'n myself to my new surround'ns and reacquaint'n with my past...a chill ran down my spine as a slight breeze ran past behind me...and all of a sudden my stalkers friends eyes popped outta their heads...
as if they had just witnessed the Hindenburg burst into this flamer

my meticulously hand crafted crown of thorns i spent an hour on that morn'n
 was wiped out in mere milliseconds while reminiscence'n with my old friends before the school bell rang...by the head of the football team with a pair of shear's on a lame bet...needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy at this point in the pimple show

the blood rushed to my head as if i was about to rip outta my clothes...
so i immediately had to make a decision...since i spent my morn'n perfect'n my image to be seen by the pimple parade

do i go ape shit and Columbine the entire pimple parade in my sight...
or do i have a nuclear teenage meltdown and spontaneously combust?

since i didn't pack my sawed off shot-gun (well Bambi cured me of that)
and i knew physically...i could be snapped like a pea pod...i darted fer the nearest exit before the 1st tear would ever have a chance to hit the lunch room floor

by the time i had made it home...i didn't care what anyone thought anymore and the flood gates opened...i could barely form a sentence relive'n the event to my parental adviser...but was given a response i wasn't expect'n...
"if ya wanna look like an ass...ya get what you deserve!"

so i hopped on my huffy bike to my best friend's palace in the house'n projects and luckily his ma...in her daisy dukes...puff'n on her marborlo...
gave me a completely different...and a much better slice of advice cake...
"you sue that muther fucker and tell the judge you were grow'n yer hair to be in a rock band!"

well...that was the straw the broke this non heterosexual's timid shell...
so i decided to visit the top neurosurgeon of cosmetologists in town...
armed with the exact look i was look'n for...and though she convinced me this was an impossible creation to create with what i had left on my head...she perfected the next best look...and perfected a perfectly good friendship that still holds stronger than any aqua net could to this day
3 months later i would have my Judge Judy moment...
and acquired a new gaggle of the coolest bad ass friends that i still am in touch with today...even though most of them are total fucktards when it comes gett'n any sorta response in a timely matter from these days
(insert kids are assholes here!)

it was THEE event of the school that year...the punk versus the prep...
it had never been done before...but i was not gonna back down...and even though i had my fair share of threats thrown my way until my day in court from a handful of future penitentiary patty-cakers...
i had zero desire to give up my newly acquired scrunchy...i was gonna let them all know there's a new sheriff in town!

half of the court was filled with school cutters that day...
whether they knew me or not...and most didn't at this point...but it turned out to be a unsolicited...unofficial...not so national holiday...fer ME! 

unbeknownst to me...i found out years later that there were bets placed who would come out ahead...and even though i had only won $37 outta the
 $2500 that i was ask'n for...hey i was 17...i was goin for the big bucks anyway i could...i wanted outta dodge A.S.A.P. and start my own destination...written by my own rules...far away from the backward mentality of the small cowtown that i once called home

also unbeknownst to me until long after the proverbial dust...
 from the cereal cutter has settled...was the fact that my cuz with the artistic flair...doin his best lawyer impersonation...called down from the Minne-Apple and spoke with the head of the school on my behalf...and rattled a couple of lifeless feathers in the administrational offices before i was immediately called down the follow'n day to try and settle this in a quiet manner and not tarnish the reputation of the serial cutters mother who was runn'n fer office at the time

FUCK THAT!

it was the talk of the town...from catholic school confessionals...
to coffee talk at the Happy Chef...i was on everyone's mind!

i've since become the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...read around the entire world weekly...
and though i make an appearance back home now and then to visit with family and friends...it's usually at a $200 minimum fee...so i have to do overtime with my red light on before hand...
but i've stitched myself into the historical minds of that lil shithole town...wait...that's not right...i mean that majestic lil shithole of a town...where the story will be past down fer generations

25 years later i would receive an invite to the very place i wanted nothing to do with anymore...but i figered the times had changed...and hopefully...
most of them had...as well as i did

though it seems like it hasn't been that long of a gap from all the crap...
some of my class remains with the worms fer whatever reason...but fer those worms remain'n that remind me of all the unnecessary chaos they caused everyone else...they know who they were...i'm sure have hopefully 
grown outta their assholiness...unfortunately a large portion of my pimple parade have decided to procreate...here's hope'n they haven't recreated another assholiness to take their place...or they'll be drink'n drano

i don't know what ever happened to the cereal cutter...and i don't particularly really care...good or bad...it's over and i've moved on...well i will have moved on once i've yanked this moment in time outta my noggin

though i don't expect the red carpet treatment...when i come...it'd be nice...
but all the ridicule and restless nites i had back then...i wouldn't give up fer a minute...cuz it built me into who i am today...you don't like it...i don't care...but puhleez...get off my dress!