Monday, January 28, 2013

totally HAZZARDous fer yer health

originally...i had the green light to interview the follow'n entertainer turned entrepreneur back in decem fer yer holiglazed pleasure...by him himself...
but due our planets not bein' aligned with our moon rise'n...or "somethin' like that"...somehow we got into a horrible crash along the informational highway...and i was left to pick up the pieces...but i decided to put my balls to my walls and post this interview...minus the interviewee anyways...just cuz i can....an interpret what he may or may not have really said...to the best of my non ability to read minds...ever since that home lobotomy turned out as well as my Oglivie home perm!

so...enjoy!

i was never a huge fan of emphysema...
i'll only take a drag...in drag...fer that glamorous hollywood look!

i mean...why would you bother smoke'n...
when you can find somethin' dirtier than the ass of a cigarette to stick in yer mouth?

today i'm speak'n to entertainer hotness known as...JOHNNY HAZZARD
yer well?...cooooooooooome...with me

so Johnny...you are a perfect example that BIG things do come in small packages...but there's nothing small about yer "package"...being one of MN native porn director extrodinaire CHi CHi LaRue's BIGGEST stars...
have you always known you had that "IT" factor when it came to adult entertainment?
(he allegedly might'a said somethin' like "ha...well it all started after watch'n “The Coach’s Boys”...and i thought i'd like to give it a go...it'd be a fun way to make some extra money " 

how were you discovered by Chi Chi LaRue?
(he allegedly might'a said somethin' like "in some gloryhole i think on hollywood and vine...i'm kidd'n folks...i got in contact with this guy named Doug Jeffries...and 4 hours later i was book'n my test run in LA with Chi Chi...the test run went well and i ended up become'n the face of Rascal Video and worked with CHi CHi until 2011 and after Chi Chi i moved on to work with Randy Blue and UK Naked Men...but i'm grateful for Chi Chi give'n me the chance to cross adult entertainer off my bucket list...Chi CHi is a great friend and was a trip to work for")

i was supposedly "scouted out" back in the early days of my career by this knuckle scrape'n neanderthal who said they were Chi Chi's "talent agent" and was offered $15 + 2 cans of diet coke to perform a solo performance for him...
i said..."i don't even like diet coke!"

what's the weirdest offer you've gotten to showcase yer "tooth chipper"? and is there ANYONE famous or not so famous (i'll selfishly include myself in that equation) that you would hypathetically like "to do" in an adult movie with if you got to choose? (he allegedly might'a said somethin' like "that's weird...i got the same offer once...except they offered me a bag of pork rinds along with the 2 diet cokes...as far as someone famous that i would hypathetically like "to do"...let's just say i never kiss and tell...well unless of course it makes it to dvd")

yer mantle at home must be over flow'n with awards fer yer contributions to the adult entertainment industry
porn's answer to the Oscar's

from best group sex scenes...best duo sex scene...best 3way sex scenes...and best solo performance...to name a few...do you go into each performance
hope'n to snag the coveted GRABBY award?...come award season?
(he allegedly might'a said somethin' like "i've only gotten "into" some performances...most have gotten "into me"...insert laugh here folks...as far as come'n to award season...i have on occasion...but sometimes...let's face it...sometimes yer tank is empty...know what i mean?")

not only are you a hot-to-trot star of the adult entertainment biz...but yer talents expand into the music...model'n and televison industry as well...
in 2006 you released yer debut dance single "deeper in you"

 model'n denim jeans and swimwear for RUFSKIN

and starred in season 2 of the gay themed fang bang series...
"The Lair" on the HERE! network

do you have any other dance singles come'n out or have any future plans to star in any other television series? also...do ya have anything to whore out at the moment...that my flock of kittens can enjoy thru monetary value to you?
(he allegedly might'a said somethin' like "i was lip synch'n and dancin' to this song “Spellbound” by Sherrie Lea that i made into a video i posted on youtube...the songwriter James Collins seen it and wanted me to come to Toronto to record "deeper into you"...which ended up being featured in an episode of "True Blood"...and if you want you can download it on ITUNES

don't get me wrong...i'll always remember how i started out become'n a household name...and i don't regret ever doin' it...but i've done it already
and i'm ready to open a new door in my life

currently i'm really excited about my new venture with "RUFF RIDER"...
which is a great company that i've designed tee shirts for that are made in the US...they're eco friendly...and were inspired by the need to live free be strong")

you've worked with many talented people thru-out yer illustrious career....
this past holiglazed season starr'n in the video "you've ruined my xmas"

and most recently starr'n in "a drag queen is a cowboys best friend" video

written and directed by 80's icon and...
my personal fav-o-rit singer in the entire universe...Boy George
who you've also modeled for with his clothing line "B-Rude" in the past

how did that all come about?...and did you feel any pressure work'n for such an amaze'n non heterosexual icon?
(he allegedly might'a said somethin' like "i was always a huge fan of Boy George's music...i met George by chance at a club one nite years back in NY and he told me about his line of clothin' he was make'n and asked if i'd model for him...so i didn't hesitate...George is a fantastic person to work for and a very fun guy to hang out with so there's never any pressure...i was in London this past december with Chi Chi and our friend Dean and George got us all tickets to see his play "Taboo"...which is a great show by the way...he was tell'n me about this new group he was work'n with "The Supreme Fabulettes" and he wanted me to appear in the video "You Ruined My Xmas" that he was direct'n so i said sure...then i also appeared in "a drag queen is a cowboy's best friend" recently... i always have a great time hang'n out with George whenever i get the chance")

and just the other day...
i put on my angela lansbury cap and found out

you'll also be make'n yer stage debut  with The Surpreme Fabulettes

that's just faboo...all the best with that mister man of many many MANY talents!

now we've come to my fav-o-rit part of the interview...i like to call...
"can we talk about ME fer a CHANGE?"

so how this works is...you can ask me anything...and i'm totally serious...i really do mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G under the rainbow...you want to know about me...well except about rainbows...i was never a fan of them...and really...cuz that's just bein' totally fuck'n lazy (he allegedly might'a said somethin' like "ok...Mattress Fever huh?!...so have YOU thought about doin' porn yourself?...cuz i have to say you couldn't have come up with a better name...well except maybe mine...HA!)

first off...that is my real name...Krystal Kleer is just my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe title...Frankie/Johnny...but if i ever did think about a career in the adult entertainment biz...i'd like to keep my anonimity...

so i'd have'ta change my name...to maybe somethin' like Rex or Hunter...
 or MR. BIG!
read into that any way you want...or just ask any of my satisfied customers!

but come to think of it though...i've already dabbled in the adult industry of entertainment...true story...i answered an actual ad on craigslist about 3 years ago...look'n for a snapper to take erotic pix...i thought WHY NOT!...
 i wanted to make some extra $$$ fer my piggy bank

when i got to the hotel room (don't worry it' wasn't that seedy one)...the non heterosexual couple that was there...told me they wanted to make a video fer their 5th anniversary instead...so i told them since i never shot film before i'd do this as a present fer them...i just said i'd be a fly on the wall...
in heels...and just do what they'd do on any given hot-n-heavy nite together
just let me know when the "money shot" was come'n (pun intended kittens)

after 5 minutes...the top guy couldn't get the "air in his tire"...and he asked me to "help him out"...i told him "hey...i've done that plenty of times before"

"i'm just a stuffer...not a fluffer...if you want that done"
"i'm gonna have'ta charge ya...by the minute!"

15 minutes later he finally got his skyrocket in flight..and they finally had their afternoon delight moment...i left know'n i did my best charitable act of the year...i recieved an email 2 days later tell'n me i did a great job film'n them...2 weeks later...they had broken up...the moral of the story you ask?

ya can't doodle with a dead noodle...no matter how hard you try!

i wanna thank the "alleged" titalate'n tid bits from 1 of the industry's finest...
  Johnny Hazzard

you wanna learn more about Johnny...check him out at www.johnnyhazzardcentral.com

c u this fri kittens...now get off my dress!

Monday, January 21, 2013

and the nominee's are...

with a new year...comes the annual parade of narcissistic appraisal...known as the award season

if you just missed the golden globes...
 and i ain't talk'n about Amanda Lepore's chest...this time

don't worry kittens...there's plenty more come'n around the corner...but the main one to focus on right now is the creme-de-la-creme of them all...
 welcome to the 3rd annual fucktard awards

don't worry...as lovely and poignant as it was...

cuz i'll be push'n them out there in my bestest beautifully taylored mockery fer the whole world to ridicule and scold at their own free will

since we're only a month away til valentine's day...
 i decided to go with a simple...yet effective...gigantic feathery glittered blood clotty number...cuz i can!

tonite's telecast is brought to you by...
the friendly folks and duty-bound trained shoppers at RADIO SHACK...cuz no one should be touch'n that button...BUT YOU!

here they come folks...pull'n up to the red carpet
hmmm...who's that come'n outta the limo?

seriously...does it really matter kittens?

well...looks like the lights are flicker'n so take yer seats...either that...
or Lady GAGA just stuck her fork in a toaster try'n to get at a chicken wing...hmmm...car wash brushes i'da never thought of...but apparently are in this season...who knew...how slimm'n!

and the nominees are...
Rush Limbaugh...S-U-R-P-R-I-S-E

well that's not a surprise really that's he'd be nominated...that's like say'n
G Dubbaya wasn't sound'n out the words in his head before he spoke to the little kittens in the classroom that day


 hmmm...odd...it almost feels like a 3 way happen'n kittens...
 (and i ain't talk'n the tingly kind i'm afraid this time)

an upset fer the very 1st time at the fucktard awards...a last minute nomination and this year's winner of the 3rd annual fucktard award is...


hmmm...are ya sense'n a theme this year kittens?

either case...that's a well deserved award...and ya know what...they're right

thankyou fer watch'n...now throw on yer best polished M16...













Monday, January 14, 2013

master bayshun pt 2: text on line 2

*disclaimer* due to a malfucktion with the picture loader on here...today's episode is like my last relationship...HOLLOW and EMPTY of visual simulation!

though what you are about to read is truely based on actual events...you'll just have to close yer eyes and visualize...besides...i can't be expected to do the work ALL THE TIME...enjoy!

so there i was one sunday afternoon at my neighboorhood coffee shop read'n over pages of regurgitated crap posted on facebook and finish'n up my latest blog about the Little Monster Bowl...while flipp'n thru annoy'n requests on desperadoville...

or a4a...which...after 3 years of bein' "sucked" into it (pun intended)...i now referred to it simply as assh*les4assh*les

i responded to a simple request by some 20 somethin' tattoo'd potential failure to "hang out" (but who in the world does he think  i am?...besides thee unintentionally internatioinally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe)...everyone knows that's just  hookerville code fer "rock out with yer cock out"

i had nothin' better to do...so i emailed him my digits and finished up my non dairy...dairy...mocha frappichino latte chi tea...i mean red bull...and headed fer home

a few hours later...after od'n on rerun's of the hysterically fab-u-less after school special knock-offs of  "strangers with candy"...an unsuitable friend called pretty much plead'n to get pollinated by yers cruelly

kittens...i have'nt resided in desperadoville since the 90's..when i started work'n at the 90's...and though repeat performances have happened from time to time...i'm more into one-of-a-kind treasures these days

so...as the unmemorable caller tried desperately to remind me who they were...i picked the phone back up after 2 minutes and noticed a text had come thru

no name attached?

hmmm...a new pearl at the bottom of my electronical ocean of requests
i politely interupted the caller...who now just seemed like a rusty coin from the street that i had no interest in pick'n up...and told them i would donate 10% of my feelings to his skank account

as i played the ping pong text game of who's this?...i realized it was the 20 somethin' from earlier in the day...finally gett'n back to me in an untimely manner...but why should i be surprised...most 20 somethin's these days have zero clue what a manner is...unless it comes in a downloadable app or heard on some reality show

we made plans to "hang out" as it were...in an hour...when i was done file'n my feelin's in the "why not!" drawer...and he was done look'n fer the next best thing that was within 15 feet from his reach

a week would go by...and while i was enjoy'n bloody's...with my fab friend K followed by an even fabular dinner and watch'n "kinky boots" at her palace...the generational gap texted outta the blue and wanted to "hang out"

after inform'n K of him...she said to invite him over to join in...why not!

after finish'n dinner and the movie...it was back to my palace fer some pre-fornicational 4 square...but this generation was ready to count sheep...so off to dreamland it was

by morn'n...he has opened the flood gates of his life...his drug/alcohol acrobatic act he had to get in tact...that he met me as 80's Boy George at halloween nite a year ago...BUT...that we actually met a year earlier

at 1st i was like...

then it felt like i had just checked into the bates motel!

hmmm...years earlier?...i don't recall ANY 20 somethin's catch my interest accept fer a date i reported on when i began ramblin'n on about anything and everything when i created this blog

he said..."you know my dad!"

i paused fer a second...then thought

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

no matter how many times you call me "daddy"...

I AM NOT YER FATHER!

ok...i need to scrub that 4th dimensional connection outta my mind...and finish'n hot glue'n my lobster together...so could you pleez get off my dress!













Monday, January 7, 2013

hit me with yer best shot

"well you're the real tough cookie...with the long history...of breaking little hearts...like the one in me...that's OK...lets see how you do it...
put up your dukes...and lets get down to it"

remember when this was just the bridge lead'n to the chorus line to that 1979 smash hit by operatic stick turned rocker chic Pat Benatar?

and when collect'n  yer fav-o-rit magazines...
consisted of  these

and not THESE!

no one puts up their dukes any more...
instead of shoot'n from the hip these days...
it's a lot more hip to just shoot!

as a substitute of rehash'n the headlines...that turn the mental cases into movie stars of the week...i thought i'd substitute nonsense fer knowledge

case in point...

of all the carnage that's happened from Columbine to Connecticut...and everywhere else in between over the years...the past and the present

what's the ONE thing people in history remember the most?
HITLER

STALIN

GACY

BUNDY

oops i mean this one

the list goes on and on...and it's pointless to escape it...cuz that's ALL the media...the schools...the news...the net and water cooler conversations
consist of when a tragedy happens...give'n the relatively small amount of the unstable...somethin' they're able to cling to

today's fame is as easy as a packet of instant oatmeal...
 everyone will be talk'n about them!

outside of maybe...at max...the national/local paper...the nightly news and the plethora of craptastic entertainment "journalists" identify'n the victims by name in whatever gruesome attack that has happened at the moment...
while serenade'n the audience in slow motion moments of the victim's life...

molested by the current top 10 pop or r&b slow jam (depend'n on the color of their skin)...just to pull at yer heatstrings long enough...until they warp yer think'n cap and trap you into the mind of endless stories about the killer

i was recently give'n someone's opinion on the 2nd amendment rights as an american during the holiglazed season and i'm here to tell ya...i'm over hear'n stories about people's 2nd amendment rights....PERIOD!
when the 2nd amendment was written...OVER 200 YEARS AGO kitten...it took someone roughly 20 seconds to load their kill'n machine and they could only get...at max...3 rounds off in under a minute

and though i wasn't around durin' those times...there are very few cases (outside of war and maybe a shoot out at yer local piggy bank)...
 where someone went batshit crazy on a bunch of non suspect'n victims

and even if there had been...given the artillery available at the time...they still wouldn't have created the same amount of devastation that's been readily available these days...at yer downtown gun shops...gun shows...
or at yer local big box kill'n machine store

thanx to groups like the NRA...
 (Non Remorseful Assholes)

and gun manufacturers hide'n behind the bedroom doors...have'n their wildest 3way with the 2nd Amendment on all 4's take'n it from both ends

but fine...for arguments sakes...we'll use the 2nd amendment as a right

i grew up in a house of 10...my dad was a hunter with his hunt'n buddies
that's my dad far right and my older brother* Jim next to him...and my 3rd cuz Sean in the high waters...and i guess he'd be my great uncle Frank (though i don't remember gett'n any gifts from him so he couldn't have been that great...umm i'm kidd'n any family members that may not take my humor with grains of sea salt rimm'n yer margarita) behind him and 2nd cuz Hugh...

i'm sure i was gett'n a mint julip facial mask and pedicure by my cuz Carey and Shelly durin' this photo op

anywho...where was i?

oh yea...so my dad had a simple hunt'n rifle or 2 and bb gun

the rifle was used only fer food fer the table..
while the bb gun was used fer that unfortunate pesky waskily wabbit that would try and visciously steal the family crops fer his own selfish gain

we had the fortunate luxury of never live'n thru a home invasion...
or being held hostage...though my star wars cards suffered a different fate at the hands of terrorists* (known as my brothers)...and i would have to deal with hostage negotiations fer their safe return

i've seen many a movies back in the hay day...
with the extravagant display of the lasers and the bullet ballet shread'n bodies into swiss cheese in seconds

from the age of 6 thru today...and yet i've managed to never pick up a single loaded weapon to make a statement...in front of alot of people
bigger than a blush brush!

well...outside of one time as a teen at summer camp in '83...where i was under supervision and give'n a bb gun fer target practice only...
and then in '86...one bullet (well ok...it was a BB ..but fer dramatic effect and to pull at yer heart strings) turned out to become best friends with my knee cap...thanx to my best friend's girlfriend at the time...who says she just wanted to "mess around" (anyway ya look at it...it stil fuck'n hurt like hell)

after that devastate'n incident...TO ME...i vowed i would never pick up another loaded gun fer the rest of my life...and i haven't to this day...
well at least one's that weren't attached to the hips

so fast forward to the past decade...

where insane incidents have turned into insane money makers

headlines fight'n for the front lines with the most bank fer their buck spent

sensationalize'n the unsensational...turn'n maniac mortals into movie stars over nite...leave'n behind those left behind

turn'n irrational national society club members...

like we need more advice from another pasty white rainsin rancher!

instead of succumb'n to common sense...chaos consumes and takes over the consumer

pasty white preachers point'n their finger...

pasty white political losers milk'n their 15 minutes...

ummm...Mikey...if that was the case...how did yer G*D not stop the1000's of the innocent kittens from the hands of yer G*D's preachers?...yea right!
shut the F*CK UP and be gone...before a house falls on top of you to

or this pasty ass raisin rancher....

 hmmm....i'm sense'n a pattern here kittens...aren't you?

listen...i am all fer own'n a gun to hunt fer food fer those whose chose...i am all fer own'n a gun fer personal protection and use'n it when it's demanded...i'm even fer those who own guns as their collection pieces to showcase...but if that's just the sole purpose to collect them...then why have stock piles of ammunition fer them?

target practice with an semiautomatic...really?

these guns were not designed to hunt fer a herd of deer...
 or take out a pack of wolves

they were invented to cause mass destruction in a matter of seconds...fer those unfortunate times when you have to go to war...plain and simple!

and unless you plan on bein' attacked by gang of zombies anytime soon...
there is ZERO need to own one of these with ammunition...PERIOD!

like Boy George sung so boldly back in 1984...

thoughts and prayers won't stop a bullet...hollyweird flicks or video games aren't to blame nor will they stop a bullet...nor will conservative pundits preach'n on their soapboxes about their 2nd amendment rights stop a bullet

if you want action...demand it!
there's always gonna be nut cases out there!

now get off my dress!

oh yea...and don't ferget