Monday, January 30, 2012

and the award goes to...

with the globes already over and the oscars not far away...i figered ya needed a real award show with a real reason for a loser to win!

in case ya missed the first ever FUCKTARD awards that was held right here last can catch up or rekindle yer excitement here!

WOW!...we haven't even reached april fool's day yet...and already the nominations are pile'n up like the floaters from the Costa Concordia

this year i decided to wear an overstated yet simplistic look by french haute coultier designer Terry Mugler
"a simple full length black silhouette dress...yet notice how the neck line plunges as it caresses my jeweled breast...the jewels continue to flow up my armpit and cascade down my help mask those unsightly sweat stains from the paparazzi...while being completely encased in a floor length coat accented with pillowed pink silk that's been squeezed from the backsides of a million golden orb spiders from Madagascar by Indonesian whistle children"

"the limo's are pull'n up...let's see who's made the cut this year"

"why's SNL has-been and tea party twat...Victoria Principle... bad...i've just been informed by her gal pal Shelly Bachmann it's Victoria Jackson...but really...what's the diff?...who really cares?"
"'ve been a busy c*nt this year Vicky..what...with all the bashes against Obama and even the folks at GLEE fer their Kurt and Blaine kiss...while cite'n the bible as one of yer reasons for making such a statement...but i'd say yer best was say'n alcoholism is a sin but ya don't see an alcoholic pride parade...bitch pleez!'s called happy hour at any given bar on any given nite!"

"i'd like to say i'm surprised...but that's like watch'n the Titanic fer the tenth time and hope'n everyone makes it to shore"

"wow...the Pillsbury Doughboy...but why would YOU be nominated?
"yer so cute and pokeable"

"wait a minute...i'm still recover'n from my lasik surgery...lemme get my Yves Saint Laurent spectacles on...those Yugoslavian children do such impecable work...dont'cha think?"
" i can see much better...hey...can ya back up a bit pleez?'ll soften me up in post production...won'tcha kitten?"

"oh's that damn grumpy pasty ass dinosaur...figless Newt spew'n off at that seething mouth of his again"
"really Newt!...blow'n yer top like a teapot...after admitted to having an affair with congressional harlet and current wife Callista...while you lead the impeachment proceedings against President Clinton for the same thing a while back...but i see this aint' the 1st time fer you at the rodeo!

"hey my fingers crossed fer ya...though yer facts are about as reliable as priest on a playground...we all know you deserve this!"

"this is a surprise...MN prez of the Parents Action League...Barb Anderson"
"oh hold on a sec Barb...i got a call come'n in...HELLO?...hi...yer live on the web...who's call'n please?...this is 1980 call'n and you would like Barb to give back yer way of think'n...sure thing...i'll let her know...thanx fer call'n!...did ya get that Barb?

"oh...why dont'cha just grab a rake and run it across the chalk board!...
and while yer at it...grab yer self some suppositories and have a seat...
the show is about to begin"

"welcome to tonite's broadcast of the 2nd annual FUCKTARD awards"

"tonite's telecast is sponsored by the makers of Milk of Amnesia"
"cuz it's alot easier than have'n to remember yer full of shit on yer own!"

"let's go back stage and get a word from tonite's 1st presenter of the even'n...Kim Kardashian"
"oops...i'm sorry folks...but it looks like our 1st presenter Kim
Kardashian has somehow spontaneously combusted...let that be a lesson to you kittens...over exposure is not a good thing!...oh well...move'n on"

and the nominees are :

Elton John and his wife David Finished
ok...1st off...Elton...time to pull that roadkill off yer head and bury really need to stop eat'n those bitter cupcakes before you go live on the air during ceremony season...

i hadda good mind to pull out my ouija board and contact Miss Crawford
and have her go ape shit on yer A double snakes fer those comments you made towards the QUEEN's chances of take'n home the top prize...cuz don't it suck to get bitch slapped?

and as far as yer paid in full rent now have taken as yer wife...he really needs to concentrate more on being a proper wife...before he starts serve'n backhand sammiches to anyone!

Pastor Patrick Wooden
hmmm...well this is a FUCKTARD award first...a man of the cloth...did you know that if you took out "at"...yer left with Prick Wooden?...oh so many thoughts could be conjured up from that one...butt really do YOU know soo much?...

what a fabu prezzie you've given all non heterosexuals in a way...bring'n to light the ignoramous religious zealotry that is so out of fashion these days

Rick Santorum and Rev. O'Neal Dozier
enquire'n minds really wanna big is he?...WOW...REALLY?
thanx fer clear'n that up fer the american people Rick...but an award show the place fer that kinda talk? i will say though...there's some things you need to go back to the draw'n board and rethink...don'tcha think?...or i don't fancy you ever become'n prez!

is he the reason ya hadda skidaddle outta the florida debates?

so how does another supposed man of the cloth know that non heterosexuality is "something so nasty and disgusting that it makes God want to vomit."...i mean...sure it does happen to a percentage of the non heterosexual crowd who don't have that built in "no gag" reflex...hell even the non homo gals have a hard time with it as well...butt practice does make perfect!

perhaps someone's been drink'n too much of the communal wine on the weekends...i'm just say'n

and last...State Senator Stacey Campfield
i've had a secret thing fer hot tamale heads...but why his nomination?

hmmm...politicians and priests seem to be hogg'n the limelight this year

oh well...on with the show...

and the winner is (ohhh...i'm so nervous)

GOP TN State sorry-ass Senator Stacey Campfield
this is a total upset...i really can't believe a hot strapp'n red head like Stacey could beat out a guy like Santorum who means so much

well Stacey...what do you have to say fer yerself?

"that bullying thing is the biggest lark out there"

anything else?

"most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual was one guy screwing a monkey...if i recall correctly...and then having sex with was an airline pilot...if i recall"

"i'd also like to add...what's the average lifespan of a homosexual?'s very it yourself" must'a studied hard on yer exams to become the GOP gimp...
you make Deputy Cletus Hogg seem like a reliable presidential canidate!

but don't take my word fer it...listen to this winner here

if you feel that Stacey was unfairly awarded...don't least someone has already taken up a campaign fer his FUCKTARD award reversal here

so it boils down to this...religion is like a hard-on's fine to have's fine to be proud of it...but puhleez don't whip it out in public
and start wave'n it around like some lightsaber...and please don't shove it down everyone's throat that doesn't have a no gag reflex!

well...anyways kittens...thanx fer tune'n in to the 2nd annual FUCKTARD awards...congrats to all our nominees...but a word of caution to those try'n to hold up their britches with the bible belt and their bitches...

if yer supposed ALL MIGHTY is watch'n
then you should take another guess
cuz if you think that yer unscathable
well better get off my dress!

Monday, January 23, 2012

waking up with the house on fire

picture it...winter...the year

i had cashed in my recycable cans that i had collected around my town
(and no...not because i wanted to help save the planet...gimme a break...i was only 14...the only thing i was hell bent on save'n at this particular point in time was my ass and sanity at the catholic school i was forced to go to)

add'n to that...some of my paper route money from the shopper i delivered
after pay'n off my brother's that helped me and gett'n my weekly sugar fix

i had earned enough green backs to purchase the much anticipated primitive musical apparatus...known as a cassette...from my fav-o-rit singer
of all time...and FYI...YES he still is to this very get over it already!

Culture Club's "WAKING UP WITH THE HOUSE ON FIRE" was all mine
at the time...i would'a sold my only sister to have those flame red locks

i ended up have'n to buy the cassette 2 more times though...cuz my tape player decided to have the 1st 2 copies fer an afternoon lunch snack
but at 14...this was a very devistating event...for ME!

that same year...Drew Barrymore appeared in Stephen King's "Firestarter"
and at only 10 years old...she was burn'n up the movie screen's everywhere

one turned into a devistating event...the other was a disasterous event

picture it...december 8th...the year

music legend John Lennon and his wife Yoko Ono had returnd home that nite from the record'n studio...mix'n their song "walking on thin ice"
Lennon wanted to be home in time to say goodnight to his son Sean before goin' out fer dinner with Ono...unfortunately Lennon decided to not have his driver go thru the security gates at the Dakota build'n and he was shot by a paranoid schizophrenic who Lennon had signed an autograph for...only a few hours early that same he tried to enter his home

that same nite...though i was not cutt'n any musical album...i had dinner and i remember talk'n to my 4 year old brother Sean before bed

sometime in the middle of that cold snowy nite...i was awoken from my sleep...and i was literally...wake'n up with the house on fire
i remember very little from that nite 31 years ago

it's like try'n to put together a gigantic puzzle of yer life...
but some of the pieces are miss'n and others don't seem to match up!

i recall stand'n outside in the the snow my pajamas...
with all of my siblings in to our green station wagon

except for my 4 year old brother Sean...who...for whatever reason...
was not shuffled outside with the rest of us...into the cold winter nite

my oldest brother Jim was live'n with my aunt at the time...and my dad had passed away 12 months earlier from instictively...i felt like i was the "man of the house" and needed to go back inside the house to search for for my brother Sean

i remember being told to get the fire extinguisher by the wood pile in the basement..and as i ran down the long staircase to our basement...
i seen our german shepard Mickey pace'n back and forth in a circle by the basement door want'n to get without hesitation...i opened the door and let him run off into the cold snowy nite to safety

as i turned back...i spotted the fire extinguisher next to the pile of wood...
frantically...i tried to pry it free...but my 10 year old strength was no match for the ice that had now held the extinguisher in a choke hold against the pile of wood

so back up the basement staircase i ran...thru the unfinished room on the second floor my dad had started build'n a couple of years before so all 8 of us would have our own bedroom...and raced up another flight of stairs to the 3rd floor to search for my brother Sean

by this point...the snap...crackle...pop of the flames had intensified
to the point that i could feel it bake'n my skin like the hot desert sun

once i had reached the top of the stairs to our bedrooms...the smoke was as thick as molassess in january...make'n it impossible to see anything
all i could see in front of me were flames dance'n around like stay'n alive

the next flashback was my mom's fist bang'n on our neighbors door...
a half mile down the let us in and call the fire department

as we all gathered in their basement...i remember sitt'n on the couch and watch'n the special news report that nite...that John Lennon had been shot

the rest of the events from that nite have become just small pieces of memory from a puzzled moment in time...and though it comes to me in small pockets of time during my dreams still after all these years...or when some close relationship comes to an end whether it be intimate...with family or with friends

i always end up feel'n like i'm wake'n up with the house on fire

2 people taken by tragedy in one nite

one by a disasterous turn of events

the other by a devistating turn of events

2 events...4 years apart...both devistating and disasterous moments of time...each in their own respect

it's funny how people compare and contrast certain events or situations
a polaroid of time that stays with you forever...while other snapshots taken have been discarded and deleted from your memory a contact from yer cell pone

after years of being charged to sit on someone's couch to fumble thru my scrapbook of memories....wish'n i could take a much better many of us do with our own lives from time to time...maybe it's time for me to just get off my dress?

Monday, January 16, 2012


to tell you the truth…this is my least fav-o-rit muscle group to work on when sweat’n it out at the gym

sure it’s the core that keeps you together and in good posture…

and many out there would probably feel much better about themselves if they could achieve…at the very least…less baggage to carry around their waistline

we’ve been fascinated and fixated on achieve’n that merely impossible perfectional abs of steel thanx to market’n gimmicks and undergarment ads

tell’n us that we can go from flab…

to fab…in mere minutes a day…doin like a million sit-ups

yea…reality check!…the only people able to devote this sorta time and effort...are narcissistically untouchable mr. bubble models

and equally unbelievabley sizzle'n werewolves

no time to make it to the gym? problem!

corporations have been invent'n ways to cheat the heat of a work-out regime to get that toned torso ever since the early 16th century…
(see kittens...even a creepy middled aged pygmy man in a shirley temple wig and hosiery can look incredibly attractive with one of these suckers on)

women…and apparently their female offspring were deemed unloveable unless they could shove their stomach into a beautifully tailored cage of steel to achieve that perfect waistline and trimmed tummy

i say…that’s a crock of shit!

you wanna get a simple…easily attainable ab work-out on the comfort of yer own couch without all those messy power drinks or clunky roll out gyms? can always spend yer money on one of these dust collectors

but Jane Fonda will have nothing to do with this production

fer truly professional results...all you need to do is watch the recently revived drunken overtures and drug addicted antics of the best british comedy ever known to the human race…

starr’n Jennifer Saunders as the vivacious...pill popp’n...Lacroix obsessed...high profile international PR guru and mother...
Edwina Monsoon who changed her name to "Edina" but known also as "Eddy"...who is always hopelessly cling'n onto her youth and beauty by try'n whatever bizzare fad she can get her hands onto...while sipp'n the sauce...and the occasional chemical enhancements to get thru the day

and Joanne Lumley as the beehived...chain smoke'n...coke sniff’n...
drunken magazine editor...harlet and former glamour model
Eurydice Colette Clytemnestra Dido Bathsheba Rabelais Patricia Cocteau Stone known also as "Patsy" or "Pats" for ex Bond girl and Eddy's schoolmate and best friend...enabler and codependent to Eddy's additions

together their boozy bitch slaps are like a warm hug on a cold winters nite
and will keep ya cacklin' like crazy til the cows come home...and break down yer belly fat like a bush fire on a hot summer's nite

with Julia Sawalha as Eddy's simply dressed and level headed daughter
Saffron...also known as "Saffy"..."sweety darling"...or "bitch troll from hell" Patsy so affectionately refers to her...Saffy is the voice of reason making her overly serious and a bit bitter towards her mother and Patsy's close friendship on a constant basis and always comes second fiddle to her brother Serge...who is only seen in 1 episode but spoken thru-out the series

and June Whitfield as Eddy's mother and sort of surrogate mother to Patsy
also known as "old woman" by Eddy..."gran" by Saffy and "mrs. M" by Patsy...she's despised by Eddy but loved by Saffy and has a bit of a kleptomaniac personality regard'n Eddy's household items that disappear from time to time only to end up at some charity shop

Jane Horrocks as Eddy's spastic bird brain personal office assistant
Bubbles...with her thick northern british accent and completely bizarre sense of style and her uncanny ability to forget names of simple objects or understand basic concepts...her main function is simply to flatter Eddy's vanity by comparison

Jane also doubles as Bubble's look-a-like and cheeky cousin...Katy Grin
she's a slick but aggressive and arrogant television presenter who shows
no real affection for anyone and gleefully throws out bitchy backhanded compliments when she gets the chance

Christopher Eddy's 1st ex husband and Saffy's father
Justin Monsoon owns an antique shop and with his lover Christopher and has very little patience for Eddy's antics but adores their daughter Saffy

Christopher has also appeared in many films prior to his AB FAB fame...
most noteabley as a speeder pilot Zev Senesca in the "Empire Strikes Back"

Christopher Eddy's 2nd husband and father to Eddy's son Serge
Marshall Turtle has his ups and downs thru-out the series as a hollywood playboy and movie producer...turned television evangelist and a bit child like and submissive when he marries his authoritarian american wife Bo

for you history buffs out there...Christopher was college con artist and group leader from another earlier and equally hilarious 80's british comedy
"The Young Ones" as Mike "the cool person" who never involved himself in the drama of his other flatmates and constantly said cheap and usless puns that made no sense

these boozey brauds spew out the best lines with fierceness and forceness
turn'n yer mid section into a sleeky and saucey sillouette

some of Eddy's (and my fav-o-rit)...most memorable quotes :
"cancel my crystal organic hairdresser...and see if i can be re-birthed next thursday afternoon"
[speak'n to Bubbles]

"oh...don't be so stupid...smoke can't get in there darling...smoke can't touch the baby...if it could you'd have come out looking like prosciutto...
believe me"

"god! i am...your mother...poised for your first sexual experience and night after night...dry bloody sheets!...i'm sorry darling...but i don't want a little moustached virgin for a do something about it!
[speak'n to Saffy]

some of Patsy's (and my fav-o-rit) most memorable quotes...
"one snap of my fingers and i can raise hemlines so high the world's your gynaecologist"

"the last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic"

"just when my life hit a good patch...along you miserable piece of should've ended up in the dust bin...the incinerator was too good for know when i heard that Eddy was pregnant...i told her to abort! abort! abort! abort!...i said chuck it down the pan...bring me a knitting needle!"
[speak'n to Saffy]

their seething social commentary with a hint of blatant bitterness for the beautiful and young...climax'n into ironic down pours of brassy humor...old and new fans will completely appreciate the poetic pleasantries of these 2 middle aged drunken dames from across the pond like an old friend that you'll wanna watch over and over again and never tire of

3 new 20th anniversary specials have been filmed and are air'n on Logo and BBC America...with a big screen film that apparently is in the works

if...after one episode view' decide you can't or won't get their humor...pack up yer piss poor personality and pooch...and get off my dress!