Tuesday, May 29, 2012

if i could turn back time

let's hop on our hotwheels and go back in time...shall we kittens!

it was the winter of 95...actually wait...let's go back a lil further...to the summer i did my 1st 69 in 91...when i met my very first minne-apple
"friend" i made off the 1-800-eat-me-i'm-a-danish phone line...
 before all the .com's and grinder's came into production...named Curtis

he was a tall blonde...which...unless you were peroxided pariahs like
my high school hard on Billy Idol or Madonna...i normally had zero interest
sexually in fathom'n sinful fornicational thoughts with you in the room

but Curtis had a presence...and though it only amounted into an occasional hook-up from time to time...i was hooked on him...unfortunately he was also hooked...but on other "recreational entertainment" i couldn't participate in due to that republican toothpick...Nancy...in the 80's...gett'n under my skin

it took about 2 months to FINALLY find out what he did fer a live'n (or at least partime anyways)...as he was worried about my reaction apparently...
and told me i was never to grace the stage...but years later...there i was
and i would carry that same torch when i meet any potential interest...
fortunately for me...i've learned to not give a f*ck about it anymore!

so Curtis took me dowtown to the GAY 90's in downtown minne-apple...
which...at the time...felt like being in line at Studio 54 to me...cuz i was 3 months shy of my legal age to enter a bar...and i had always seen the enormous sign when i would pass by on the bus on my way to work...and so desperately wanted inside this pandora box...it was a far cry from flick'n burs off my garanimals or pick'n weeds in the strawberry fields on the farm

i was totally over the moon when he FINALLY told me he was a perform'n illusionist at the GAY 90's and he could get me in to meet the performers

my 1st taste and fasination with the world of illusion...was thanx in part to being sick one day in 7th grade and watch'n the original Oprah Winfrey
my fav-o-rit open-minded surrogate uncle...the Phil Donahue show

his guest absolutely stunned me...and i was hooked like a junkie on heroin
Jimmy James was his name (and still is kittens...he's not gone to that glittered stage in the sky just yet)...but anywho...i swore it was Marilyn Monroe's reincarnation...back from the dead...cuz he sang "diamonds are a girls best friend" to perfection!

and of course Divine's brilliant performance in the original HAIRSPRAY
i knew become'n a perform'n illusionist was to be my destination!

early one morn'n...at around 2 am...i received a call from Curtis tell'n me to get my ass dressed and meet him downstairs cuz he had a stretch limo with his bevy of beauties inside and wanted me to join them...ummm...ya right!
"i work at 6 am and there ain't no limo in crackville at 2am...g'bye"...i said

curiosity killed this C-U-Next-Time...and sure enough...i go to the window
downstairs...and seen a black stretch limo...wait'n fer me to get in...so i threw on a jacket and my combat boots and out the door i went

as the back door opened...inside i met the best Cher illusionist of the minne-apple...EVER!(Jessica)...Annie Lennox (Marty)...Marion( Jeff)...
Miles...Curtis and another gurl (who's name i can't remember)...who took me on a tour of the minne-apple i'll never ferget

over to the gal's house who was gonna make it after all...
then down around a quick jaunt thru the million dollar homes on lake of the aisles...where the limo driver was ordered to stop...and all 6 beauties
got outta the limo...ran up to this open porched mansion...lifted up their even'n gowns...and proceeded to paint the porch in their alcoholic binge...
as me and the limo driver busted our asses in the limo laugh'n like mad

a postcard that could totally read "welcome to minneapolis...aint' it a drag!"

good times...g-o-o-d t-i-m-e-s!

2 years later...Curtis surprised me with tickets to see my high school hero
Boy George perform'n at the GAY 90's during his solo tour and could get me back stage to meet him...though it never transpired...i was on cloud 9
Boy's look had dramatically changed since his rise with Culture Club...but he still sounded exceptional...though he walked off stage after half way thru the 2nd nite cuz of some non heterosexual's who couldn't shut their traps and was...i'm guess'n...not feel'n very friendly to any of his fans at all

2 years after that... i entered and won a look-a-like contest at the 90's...for the release of Boy George's most excellent cd "cheapness and beauty"
and his 1st brilliant autobiography called "take it like a man"...why not!

contest rules stated i was to recieve an autographed autobiography...and to my surprise...it was not christened with the BOY's john handcock
well...that's cuz...as the mgr told me...i would get exclusive backstage passes to meet and have the BOY personally sign my book...i nearly died!

2nd times a charm right?...HA!...does NO go with WAY?

the nite of the show...i went balls to the walls full on disco devil look
and could barely contain my urinary track...from goin off track...for i was but a few short hours away from meet'n my eye opener at the tender and supple age of 13 when he said so eloquently "do you really want to hurt me"

i had paid for my cuz...his wife and her sis's tickets...all i wanted in return was a couple of cocktails...which my cuz had no problem with fill'n me up!

i ran into the mgr in the restroom of First Avenue where Boy was perform'n
and to my surprise...i was told i hadda "do somethin" fer him first...as he wiped the corners of his mouth with his sticky fingers...yea right pervie!

so i proceeded to get drunk off my ass and tried to figer out my own way backstage...(though i didn't connect the dots til a year later when i was informed by a co-worker who was next to me that nite)...that as the Boy started in on his band's anthem of the 80's smash "karma chameleon"...
i proceeded to blow chuncks at Boy George's feet...fer all that i don't remember that nite...(which was about everything after the bathroom incident)...i was completely mortified!

one of the reasons why i am still here today...my hero...my inspiration...
and he gets his appreciation...from me...paid in puke!

it took 3 times...but i FINALLY met Boy George during his incredible west end production of "TABOO" in London before it opened on Broadway...
and it was a total chance encounter that i would meet my childhood hero
(no...this DID NOT include a restroom romp...you pervie!)

i was leave'n some clothing shop in Leicester Square after spend'n more than i ever wanted to spend on some Ziggy Stardust tee...but so worth it
and i literally bumped chests with the BOY on the cobble stone streets of London...though i could barely say a word...not cuz i was starstruck and hyperventilate'n like some whiney pimple freak...it's cuz i was struck with laryngitis at the time

i was mortified yet again...my hero...and no words to speak...but at least i didn't feel like loose'n my lunch on him this time

it was like a huge domino effect happen'n...

if i never watched Phil...i never would've been hooked on Jimmy James...if i never watched Jimmy James...i never would've been hooked on Curtis...if i never watched Curtis on stage...i...well i probably would've gone to the GAY 90's at some point after i turned 21...but i would've never been hooked to perform there...and if Curtis never gave me tickets to see Boy George at the 90's...i would've never entered some look-a-like contest...
and if i never entered that look-a-like contest...i most undoubtedly would've never up-chucked on the BOY!

it's rare to meet someone whom you've looked up to all yer life or to meet someone who's inspired yer destination in life...i've met them both

10 years would pass before i would cross paths with Curtis again...a few months later...i had heard Curtis had gone to the glittered stage in the sky
i still think about Curtis from time to time when i slap on my war paint fer the stage...and wonder if he wishes he never told me what he did?

then i think he'd just say  "guuurl...you look SICK!" (ps...that's a good thing)
laugh'n...scream'n...tumblin' queen...like the most amaze'n light show...
that you've ever seen...whirl'n...swirl'n...never blue...how could you go and die...what a lonely thing to do ~ Boy George

Monday, May 21, 2012

Ándale! Ándale!

marriage has never been a priority fer me...(where have i heard that before?) when i can sit at home alone and complain fer free...in peace and quiet...then go out and buy myself a lil happiness

i've put in my time and dated my fair share of the socially retarded...the emotionally unavailable and the chemically dependents of the tri state area...by that i mean...i've tried almost everything...at least ONCE...all in the name of research of course

my bedroom had turned into a bored room ever since i ended my 4 years with the old purse i was date'n at the time...8 years ago...and up until 5 years ago...i pretty much was a white supremacist when it came to date'n...
not that other races weren't incredibly attractive...it just wasn't sexual for me

but i was gett'n tired of  the non homo and non hetero caucasians that would just lay there like a dead hooker and expected me to do all the work...
so i tore down my defenses and jumped over the date'n fences...to see what life was like on the other side!

my bedroom has since become a United Colors of Benetton ad...and ya know what...i've come to tell you that things are still pretty much the same...assholes do come in many different colors!

my most recent experiment was this taco belle from Tijuana...i seen him about a year ago work'n out at my gym and would totally have a Sheena Easton and Prince moment runn'n through my head when i'd see him...
by that i mean i am rarely EVER distracted from my work-out...cuz i go to the gym to work out...and not act like i'm walk'n down some proverbial
narcissistic runway...but this chimichanga had a look...buzzed head...
intense eyes...tattooed in the right places...pillow lips...and cut like marble

i would watch him from time to time work out... while i was sweat'n it out on the ass master machine...and noticed that he wasn't walk'n down any runway...(except the one in my head...that went straight to my bed) but there to actually work out...so i was hope'n someday our paths would cross

a year would go by before i would get the chance to run into him on a lazy sunday afternoon at some lame downtown beer bust...that always was a bust...but would get me into experi-men-tal mode to see what all the planet of apes would be say'n about me...without have'n to say'n a word!
(my hidden talent?...lip reader)

i forced myself to talk to him...since he was hold'n up the patio wall
pose'n like some egyptian hieroglyphic...and it turned out there was some mutual interest (so i didn't have to bite down on that cyanide pill after all)

so after some fornicational 4 square back at his humble little kitty box...i crossed off the  "cross'n the border" from my list of "things to do"
hey...we have ALL had those "moments" when you've just wanted pure unadulterated fornicational pleasures...without the use of battery operated assistance or take'n ol' "Rosey Palmer" on a date!...(whether you fulfill them...is up to YOU)  it's human nature to think about it judge prissy!

BUT...the next day he called me back and it threw me off guard...cuz i figered i was on his list of "things to do" (hey...he did get to sleep with an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...i can't even count how many wish they could have)
of which i was sure to tell him right off the bat so there was no confusion...
or before any other non heterosexual bar bitch would try to use that as some sorta wedge between us...like they have in the past unfortunately

after spend'n a 2nd nite with me in my kitty box...he had asked me if i would have any interest to move with him if he got his transfer put in fer work...
*hmmm...i was a bit perplexed at first...it's a thought i suppose...but then realized...i am...after all...an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...who wouldn't want me to move with them?

or if he wasn't gonna move out to San Diego... would i consider date'n him exclusively in the minne-apple...again...i wondered about it fer a minute...
but then i remembered my token answer from above *

speedy gonzales proved me wrong as we both opened up a bit more...
we shared the witty repertoire...we talked about everything from my ABC's to his STD's...he tried to humor me plenty of times with the fact he would have to tell people he got laid by a drag queen...but i corrected him that i am neither a drag nor a queen...my sallie cab even took time out...with the meter off...to pick him up from his work...TWICE...that's how much interest i had

by the 3rd week of simply sacrinnated texts...i was gett'n smitten kitten...
but then i received a text from a  friend...to go with some friends...to visit some friends...who were say'n goodbye to a friend...outta town...so off we went

i hadda cancel the movie date we had planned to see...the australian cinematic masterpiece known as "PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT"
at my apt...cuz he had never seen it before...and that's just insane to me

i texted where i was and why i was there and when i'd return and what day he wanted to reschedule the movie...but i could tell the subtext of his text
that he was not pleased!

the follow'n day after my return...i was home on break fer lunch...and received a text from my taco belle...who now had turned into taco hell...
who needed to get somethin' off his chest with a few lovely textable words...
          (yes...in case yer wonder'n...this is word 4 word...his actual text)

my 1st thought was...OH...MY...CHER!...WOW!...what a fuck'n moron...
this mo' is no spell'n bee champion obviously cuz he doesn't even know how to spell Dr. Freud correctly...but i decided to follow his train of thought...and wondered if i were the great Dr. F....how would i assess the situation?

now there's a merried of reasons how i could decipher this as...

reason #1 he was miffed i left town and cancell'n out on the movie date...
which would really make it my friend's fault fer kick'n the can suddenly

reason #2 his work decided not to transfer him to San Diego...so he needed to blow off steam...and i was an easy punch'n bag

reason #3 he's just a complete c*ck-suck'n-mutha-f*ck'n-pig-slutt'n-trailer-trash-border-cross'n-mexic*nt...with a hot ass

i'm gonna go with #3....cuz #1 or #2 sounds like i really care!

he's worried about tell'n people a drag queen f*cked him?

OH NO!...no drag queen f*cked you mr. senorita...you can tell them an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe f*cked you...and you won't ever ferget it!

ummm...INS...i have a new file fer you!

THEN...i kinda felt sorry fer him...fer a minute...cuz he's obviously a complete walk'n contradiction who couldn't deal with my fabulousness or his narcissistic selfishness...and now the only song runn'n thru my head when i pass a tequila bar or taco john's you ask?

all the Judge Mentals and  Wade Tumors of the world need to get a life! (that's not my last failure's name...i do have some decorum left) he was just some insignificant  pile of non heterosexual crap 15 years ago that begged me to polllinate him...in the powder room...at his friends party
that started my experi-men-tality date'n...who took it upon himself to inform my potential failures that i am THEE unintentionally internationally unknown
perform'n illusionist of my own universe

i have no problem when people want to move onto other pastures...
but don't feed me a slice of cow pie and expect me to wash it down with a glass of WTF? juice!

like the ABBA classic goes..."Can you hear the drums Fernando?"
pound'n yer insignificant memory from my existence?

i am not embarrassed nor will i ever deny that i am THEE
unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...cuz if that's a deal breaker...then don't let the door hit ya in the ass on the way out...cuz i won't ever be doin it again...and P-U-H-L-E-E-Z! get off my dress!

Monday, May 14, 2012


you gotta know yer a complete fuckwad when...

you think "traditional marriage" is at war...
even though YOU'VE been married...what?...like 4 times now...sit the fuck down and shut the hell up asswipe!

you think it's perfectly acceptable...
to tell yer congregation of pod people to "punch a boy who is effeminate and crack that wrist if he is limp-wristed"...cuz what?...that's what the J-man would say?...perhaps you should spend more time worry'n about those who are cover'n up abuse in yer line of work...dicksmacker!

you think same sex marriage is like...
bein' equatable to propose'n to some inanimate object like the Eiffel Tower?...really?...ummm...yea...C U Next Time!

you think dads should just be dads sometimes...
by bein' condescend'n' to yer kids about their friends parents who are non heterosexual couples...by say'n "it's no doubt they're "lovely people" but that's no reason to "change 1000 of  years of think'n on marriage" or that "kids do better growing up in a mother/father home"...

yea right...miss voice of a generation with swing'n saloon doors between her hips...who bore a child outta wedlock...and doesn't want the father around cuz of some mean stuff he might'a said about her mama...BITCH PULEEZ...
stop embarrass'n yerself!

you think you have to choose between the J-man or Judas...
to be saved...WTF?...does the Lincoln City Council just let any ol crazy c*nt in her lucky bingo hat have the mic these days? (ps...notice the reactions in the choir seats behind her)

all these above fuckwads are basically bully's who never grew up...use'n their words as scare tactics...instead of common sense!

try'n to explain non heterosexuality...let alone non heterosexual marriage to these fuckwads...

is it's like have'n to debate the huge difference between
the Grimm Fairy Tales and Dr. Seuss books...of which...besides content...is none!...they're all just made up stories of fantastic fantasies and adventures...

just like that other book of fantastic fantasies and anventures...
that they swear by...which is pretty much just made-up mythology with very few documented facts!...and that's...a FACT!

LUCKILY...our "white knight" is an african american...and has a brain...and is the 1st ever sitting president to acknowledge some common sense...
during my lifetime
"it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that i think same-sex couples should be able to get married"

but this italian catholic should get credit for her support for it 20 years ago

even political hot potato...Steven Colbert...
had a few choice words about OBAMA's announcement

some may argue that Obama wasn't fast enough to support non heterosexual marriage...but as any common sense person knows...it's all about politics in the end

OBAMA has done alot fer non heterosexuals....

-by ridd'n the military of that asinine D.A.D.T

-by signing the hate crimes act into law

-by give'n hospital visitation rights for non heterosexual couples

-by make'n sure that the census counts non heterosexual relationships

-by supporting states that are trying to extend marriage rights to non heterosexual couples

civil rights are human rights that every person should be given the day they are born...and not secular to a certain class...creed...or color of yer skin!

these right winged bible beat'n republic*nts always wanna make reference
to their fairy tale book of fables or the constitution when it comes to rights...
perhaps they should try remember'n this one important phrase
this guy wrote in 1776...when cast'n their vote this year :

"we hold these truths to be self-evident...that ALL men are created equal...
that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights...that among these are life...liberty...and the pursuit of happiness"

i made a prediction a while back...that this very issue would fortunately...and unfortunately...have to be a huge decide'n factor in this year's presidential election....so make sure to tune in this fall to the new BRAVO series

and fer the record...marriage is NOT a priority to me (right now)...but i would like my options left open...what gurl doesn't?...though many non heterosexuals in committed relationships shouldn't have to wait fer me to be ready to marry...when they are and have been fer a long time!

fer those who think i'm bein' too demean'n and persecute'n to the above fuckwads...think about it fer a minute...what do YOU think they're doin to the non heterosexual population by constantly putt'n their rights to a vote?

fer those who disagree with me...that's fine...you have that right...but pleez...just get the f*ck off my dress!