DONKEY PUNCH

picture it kittens...it was 2015 the year of the goat if you follow that voodoo

Rey and Ren were slice'n up the theaters with the latest in Lucas's sci-fi soap opera...

homo's and hetero's shared in the misery of matrimony together fer the 1st time in history in all 50 states...

and we said good bye to everyone's fav-o-rit Klingon

BUTT that ain't all...

so there i was one hot lazy summer afternoon after come'n home from a 

difficult day at the park try'na sell pencils to a class of blind kids and suddenly i received a "viewer discretion advised" phone call outta the blue from someone i had chatted to on the phone lines earlier in the week (this was a year before my smartphone purchase when i still relied on my imagination) who was want'n to do some sorta Jane Fonda work-out with me so i thought to myself hey...i hadn't met my charitable quota this particular year at that point yet so WHY NOT!

trust me...you'da said the same thing if you were me and thank CHER ya

ain't...anywho'zll'ding ding...my mysterious caller hadda remind me who he was since this was pre-smart phone days fer me so i opened up my roloxdicks of imagination when he described himself

once he had arrived to my shitbox (and ps...that is a pretext just FYI)

there was no time fer small talk...my biological clock was tick'n while he was lick'n his chops this particular afternoon and cuz...well...there was nothin' small about him

built like a shit brick house we started  huff'n and a puff'n like 2 pigs at a

pie bake-off at the county fair...not a care in the world and trust me...he was more than ready to blow my house down as was i (insert evil wink here)

as he assumed his fav-o-rit position...i put on my fav Burt Bacharach record

that had been collect'n dust since the last dance to get me in the mood then the sweat started pour'n like a monsoon in may in minutes

seriously kittens...you'da swore it was a full moon...

cuz i could not shut this howl'n prowler up!

everything was goin exhaustingly well...that is...until...

a small but definitely distinct draft came outta the south at 2 miles per hour...i had just punched into Charlie’s Chocolate factory and believe when i say…i wasn’t too damn happy to get this weather report…it was my damn day off!

hey accidents happen...so instead of make'n him feel like crap 

since i was now marinate'n in it...i sent him off to soak in some calgon's cool bouquet fer a minute or so while i took a mini birdy bath in the kitchen sink and then it was back to Maxine Nightingale'n it once again

round 2 was goin perfect...UNTIL...that is...i was back at Charlie's

WTF? i mean as hot as this guy was...i shouldn't have to be punch'n into this kinda work on my days off...just 4 and 1/2 minutes later (hey i was watch'n the clock since my egg timer was broken)

cue another much need birdy bath

i was all set to pay my tab and get goin...but he begged and i figered

fine...yer my charitable act fer the decade and 3rd times is usually a charm right? HA! does NO go with WAY?

he had finally got his sky rockets in flight...however there would be no 

afternoon delight fer me this particular afternoon and fer once in my life i didn't give 2 shits since he had bequeathed me 3!

HEY...i'm a damn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of my own universe...i shouldn't have to put up with any of this shit...L-I-T-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y…so i hope this finally clears up any questions about my fornicational position fer all you Gladys Kravitz's of the planet since yer always ask'n me fer some ungodly reason cuz i ain't save'n myself fer no damn aisle either...however that's a whole other episode 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

POSSUM ON A GUM BUSH

ever since the early winters of  1979...almost every pre and post pimple 

 popp'n puke'n pecker wrecker was glued to their magnavox television set on friday nites to watch the hot to trot cousins BO and LUKE DUKE played by heart throbbers TOM WOMPAT and JOHN SCHNEIDER buzz'n thru Hazzard county on the hit series "DUKES OF HAZZARD" until 1985

those more confused non homo's with their tingle'n tapper apparently were

 more interested in DAISY parade'n around in her hiked up hysterectomy hot pants...seriously...get help...it's out there if you ask fer it (ummm...insert laugh here) played by the charismatically classy ass-kick'n CATHERINE BACH

who had all mooched off everyone's fav-o-rit silver haired moonshiner UNCLE JESSE played by DENVER PYLE

in the county of HAZZARD that was run by high cholesterol heart attacker BOSS HOGG and his bumble'n long arm of the law SHERIFF ROSCOE P. COLTRANE with his trusted basset hound FLASH and DEPUTY ENOS STRATE played brilliantly by SORRELL BOOKE...JAMES BEST and SONNY SHROYER

and of course we can't ferget about the awkwardly loveable ritual bath'n town mechanic COOTER played by BEN JONES

BUTT...this is a shepard to lost sheep

like many of the friday nite line-up shows pre #METOO #WOKEUP and

#MADONNAISSTILLTHEQUEENLIZZO light hearted slap-stick bumble'n comedy sitcoms like the "DUKES OF HAZZARD" would never survive any air born jumps in today's cautiously cantankerous climate...mainly due to the stereo typicalism...machoism...sexism...oh and that confederate flagism

say all what you wanna say about the history behind the GENERAL LEE's

roof top decoration...NOT ONE SINGLE gen X'er out there today gave 2 shits about the flag adore'n that 1969 carrot colored dodge charger...we all desperately wanted one from that silver bearded jolly plump A double snakes at xmas time to fling off our desk ramps at school in the 80's...with that said...

YES i understand the dark history behind the flag's symbol so don't go line'n up outside my shitbox to school me while yer wait'n fer the dunk'n donut live'n above me to pour you some freshly squeezed lemonada marinate'n in moonshine served in a chilled mason jar cuz it ain't happen kittens...everything has a history and some history deserves to be fergotten but it can never be erased...thanx to technology

those fans of the beloved buffoonery series suffered another tragic lose 

recently at the hands of mother nature's off spring HURRICANE IDA when she came tear'n thru town like a bumble'n bitch on booze and right thru BO DUKE's backyard in Louisiana where the original wheels from the series had decided to retire

and though the current generation may have ZERO interest in tv's

most beloved iconic car...treasured fans can still flock to the fairgrounds in Tennessee to see one of their fav-o-rit famous cousins and taste the flaw in the slaw at the GREENE COUNTY FAIR this october

where you can get a chance to be up close and personal with HAZZARD COUNTY'S hottest hostess with the mostess CATHERINE BACH...so fasten yer seatbelts and click here fer tickets and times...y'all come back now...ya here?

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

NOT SO HAPPYILY EVER AFTER

everyone dreams of a happy end'n...unfortunately yer live'n in some sorta 

non denominational hyperbolic unattainable fantasy kittens...i believe artistic director GEOFFERY JELLINECK from the sadistically brilliant and twisted after school special series "STRANGERS WITH CANDY" said it best when he muttered "if wishes and buts were made of nuts...we'd all have a bowl of granola!"

we were taught at an early age thanx to the wonderfully fucked up world 

from the cryogenically frozen mind of WALT DIZNEY that no matter how many obtrusive obstacles you may encounter in life...eventually it'll all turn out magically delightfully in the end...OH R-E-A-L-L-Y?

didn't work out so well fer SNOW WHITE after the cameras cut cuz she 

ended up find'n solace in the only thing she could since her 7 roomies fired her ass after her Prince passed away but not before he squandered away all her profits from her debut flick on gamblin' and girls catch'n a scorch'n case of syphilis and didn't get it checked until he hit stage 4 when it was too late and she could no longer pay fer her fair share of the rent leave'n poor Snow White draped in a bottle of booze...where she would end up pass'n away in the forest a few short years later from cirrhosis of the liver with only a lil blue bird comfort'n her miserably pickled soul

of course Mrs. WHITE wasn't the only one in happily ever after land that 

ended up in a terrifically terrible tragic tale...everyone thought CINDERELLA had it all...plucked from obscurity by another Prince who was hide'n a "secret lifestyle" when she walked in on her daddy after dinner with him in her glass slippers one even'n and eventually Cindy would develop a nasty nose candy habit just to cope with the embarrassment

and unfortunately no one's heard a peep outta ALICE ever since she 

hopped a ride to Honduras after crawl'n outta that rabbit hole and ended up work'n her way thru "beauty school" as an exotic dancer or so i've heard...who really knows to be honest...she was over 18 after all!

those old enough to remember...remember popp'n jiffy pop while they'd

wash it down with their fav-o-rit beverage of choice...

kick'n back on the over stuffed country scene plastered all over the davenport from Levitz furniture in their parents den...

and learned all about the joy of paint'n somethin' other than their prepubescent face by the mastermind of BOB ROSS!

born ROBERT NORMAN ROSS 1 day before all hallowed eves in 1942

an 18 year old ROSS began his career in the armed forces as a medical records technician in 1961 (that's really just a fancy title fer data entry dork)  and can i get a hubba hubba...meeeeeouch! H-E-L-L-O...beep beep! before he discovered other joys of paint'n...oh let's get real kittens...who didn't piss their parents/maid off clean'n out weekly piles of crusty filled tube socks at that age i ask you?

work'n as a part-time AA enabler maker...ROSS discovered a german oil 

painter BILL ALEXANDER on the tv series "THE MAGIC OF PAINTING" on the bar's mini  magnavox one lazy afternoon at work who used the wet on wet technique (think lube on yer throbb'n tube) to create beautiful landscapes in around 30 minutes so the dapper and dash'n ROSS studied and perfected his technique eventually study'n with ALEXANDER until he branched out on his own...

create'n his very own signature style along with his signature ogilvie home fro on the hit PBS series "THE JOY OF PAINTING" filled full of happy lil clouds and o.d.'n on titanium white...crimson red and oodles of other colors under the rainbow that ran from jan of 1983 until may of 1994...until his untimely pass'n in july of 1995 due to his many many years of smoke'n

ever since ROSS's pass'n...his image has turned into pop culture history

from halloween costumes...to comedy show references to beyond vomitous market'n products from crock pots to chia pets and everything in between

BUTT...unfortunately

in his death...all the happy little clouds that ROSS once painted thru-out

his colorful career fer 21 years on television along with his name that he had hoped would be passed on to benefit his son Steve financially...turned into contentious clouds of betrayal and greed between ROSS and his biz partners

that has been brilliantly however bitterly documented in the Netflix documentary  "BOB ROSS HAPPY LITTLE ACCIDENTS BETRAYAL AND GREED" which will make you think twice of ever purchase'n A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G associated with his image PERIOD!

so give it a watch...if you ain't got Netflix then call yer coke dealer or catholic advisor and watch it with them and GET OFF MY DRESS!

CONVERSION PERVERSION

ever since the beginn'n of her career...the QUEEN of the dance floor has

pushed and perfected the boundaries of race...religion and freedom of expression with the brain dead basturdized religious right winged freaks call'n her satan while others (myself included) call'n her an absofuckinlute SAINT!

there is no need fer me to vomit the many beyond reasons why "religion"

as a whole...catholicism in particular...is nothing but an archaic misinterpreted scare tactic to suppress and sodomize marginalized "Mary's" in particular...oh don't take that wrong my faithful kittens...if you feel the need to vomit 100 hail mary's or kumbaya's every sunday to feel good about yerself cuz yer bett'n on the tail gate party at the pearly gates when yer time is up...go fer it...that's yer choice and YER CHOICE ALONE!

i won't dicktate nor try to indoctrinate what you outta believe in as long as you stay the fuck outta my backyard as well!

BUTT...it ain't that easy

there are those out there regrettably that are still breath'n among us...

who make it their mission in life to dictate how someone else (particularly the naturally born non heterosexual) should live their life as they see fit (after watch'n this most harmfully perverted and diabolically twisted  doc on Netflix "PRAY AWAY") all cuz of some massive comic book of fanatically insane reinterpreted vomit from 1000's of years ago (supposedly) that they've O.D'd on and how they can change someone's naughty parts from exercise'n those deviously devilish delights...to stay on the path of righteousness by rebuke'n those erectionally engorged regrets just fer the sake to fill their piggy banks regardless of what it may do to the person's mental...emotional and psychological state of mind...particularly in teens and trans

religion as a whole has been decline'n as fast as KAYNE's and the careers

of the KANKERSOURDASHIANS...with 2 million less practice'n in that ancient ceremonial clown production and nationwide infants marinate'n in dirty bath water down by roughly 40% (thanx fer the 411 google) 

trust me...if i knew now what i didn't know then...i'da probably worn that

communal robe with the butt cut out...however...though many other alter boys got to cash out years later bankrupt'n many churches...the priest that sang off key every sunday at my congregation all of a sudden decided to get picky so i ended up loose'n out on my 401K payout...thanx alot asshole!

it wasn't until this year in 2021 in my homo state of Minnesnowdah

that the ancient practice of "conversion therapy" was finally banned from the books and unfortunately there are only 23 other states that have followed suit bann'n this dysfunctionally harmful brain wash'n jamboree from their books with the Jersey Shore bein the 1st state to do so in only 2013

nonetheless...leave it to the J.O.N.A.H chapter of New Jersey to try and slide under the radar until they were hit with a hefty fine to the sum of $3.5 million 

the A.M.A...the A.P.A...the C.I.A...and SIA have all condemned this insane

practice of conversion/reparative therapy as destructive and completely ineffective and totally reprehensible...if there's ANYONE that's gotta change their "choosen lifestyle" since you choose yer religion and not who you nut on or in...

it's all these neanderthalic nutcases cuz "CASPER's" son never once spoke about convert'n anyone to yer diabolically perceived and perverted train of thought...so basically if we ain't fuck'n you and you ain't fuck's us...then why then fuck do you care who we fuck? cuz we sure as shit don't care who you fuck!

besides CASPER crusaders try'n to dictate their mentalness onto the non

heterosexual population...NOW these beyond sanctimonious side-wind'n basturds in the long horned up southern state of TEXASSES are try'n to be the spring board fer other repuglicunt states to follow suit by slowly disseminate'n and dictate'n to the female population as to what THEY CAN and CANNOT DO to their own reproductive organs and offspring's by shove'n thru the bill SB8 that they unfortunately passed last week 

without a damn serenade from the SUPREME's...

regardless of consensual...incest or rape fornication after 6 weeks when most women don't even realize they got a puke bucket eat'n away at their innards...

basically turn'n yer everyday ordinary tin cap wear'n CASPER crusader'n fucknut into vigilante terminators that would cash in with the courts fer a cool 10g's and court costs if they catch ANYONE who helps out or performs the abortions etc from the the receptionist at the clinic...the Uber drivers to family members who take them to their final decision...to the avon lady give'n them advice at the tupperware party to ultimately the doctor...putt'n each one in financial ruin eventually...provide'n they win the case

didn't you petrified puritanical zealots learn ANYTHING in CCD class?

Alex...i'll take "JUDAS & JESUS stapled to a tree" fer a $1000 pleez!

luckily LYFT ain't fuck'n play'n around with this militant divinty bullshit!

i think Miss Bernhard said it best in her smash off broadway one woman 

show back in the early 90's "and i'll tell you something else...i've erased the word "supportive" from my vocabulary...i mean it's hard enough for me to get behind organized religion let alone a course in miracles and if you want to go to the Ashram and chant...FINE...but i'm not going with you 

and while we're being really honest here...now that we're not together...here's her number...call MADONNA and fuck the bitch and while you're at it...FUCK MARTIKA!" (and that is a direct quote kittens) have truer sentiments ever been muttered i ask you?

FINE fuckturds...you wanna say a woman has ZERO POWER over her

 personally owned reproductive system regardless how they fell on yer pathetic pulsate'n semen serpent then how about this...they carry it to term on yer terms...H-O-W-E-V-E-R...then YOU and YOU ALONE are responsible fer feed'n...burp'n...clothin' and take'n that burden to their therapist twice a week until they turn the age of 18!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!