Monday, June 27, 2011

time to make the DOUGH...NUTS!

so my surprise…i made it to my 5 year anniversary at my current place of employment without goin’ ape shit on their ass!

ummm…before you start to hum that Cher awful “for he’s a jolly good…” party hats and parade float cheer…save it!

i don’t believe in 5 year plans…heck…i don’t even believe in 5 minute plans…my subconscious has been unconscious for pretty much the past 4 years…11 months…and 29 days

i never thought i could…or would…STILL be corralled in the same cubicle stall…
mon thru fri...9 to 5…

work’n in the concrete jungles of corporate america...

crammed amongst the elevator comedians and skyway stalkers

you know…the type that trap you in hell for the next 30 seconds…while yer being lifted to yer own personal cubicle of hell...

try’n to give their best 2-drink minimum routine to the crowd of cackle’n heels desperately search’n for dinner and a diamond or that one needle in a haystack you’ve noticed over the past 5 years amongst the herd of bad boy band haircuts and poly blends that you finally had a chance encounter to meet outside of the downtown mousetrap maze only to find out he has the emotional commitment of gnat!

my job is no different…or earth shatter’n…or even remotely entertain’n like most downtown jobs…(well except for the ones called ‘blow”)…which i can safely say… i have never applied for…yet!

i have a nice boss fer a change…but we’ve all worked with a co-work’n henchman who make’s you wish you had the strength of Doralee Rhodes…Violet Newsteadd and Judy Bernly fer a day…to hunt them down… hog tie ‘em to a chair…and purposely mix up the box of sticky-n-sweet with rat poison while pour’n ‘em a cup of sanka

plus...he has the personality of a dollop of mayonnaise

and no office would be complete without a Roz Keith
i believe 2 are employed with me

i’ve worked with the variable poo-poo platter of the invasion of the “burbanation” during my stay here at florescent bulb heavens in hell…and have heard just about every story i can handle...

from kids
and casseroles…

to ball games

and break downs…

as they do their daily feed at the donut trough

the work force has forced us to OD on PC ness…so say’n things like…“unless yer gonna talk about Madonna or cock…you got know business spew’n yer business…cuz it’s none of my business!”…would not be advisable at this portion of the game

the very small handful i have had contact with outside of the work space have been entertain’n to be around...but we’ve not reached to the level of “free range” conversations like i have had with all my past places of employment…and that’s fine with me these days

now before you go say’n i should be grateful i have a job in this economy…and 5 years is a good accomplishment…and that it’s a milestone that corporations like to reward …YES…i know how hard it is to have a job…let alone keep one these days…but this is my blog…so save me yer speech!

but let’s talk about this “reward” fer a minute

“REWARD” as defined by WIKIPEDIA which has a merried of definitions…but this one best describes my situation…says “offered as an incentive”

so what’s my dedication of 5 years of feel’n like it’s “time to make the donuts” on a daily basis worth?

and the incentive to continue down the same beige path as those before me have?

the HUGE party hat and parade float feel’ns that should tickle me pink...

has been reduced to pick’n out from a single page…some refried crap that’s been picked over by past honorees…collect’n dust in the basement…adorn’n the company logo just to mock you as a testament to remind you of yer misery!

ummm…yea…no thanx!

i’ll play the “game” cuz i have to in order to survive…(well…that is…until i get the lotto numbers right or some wealthy long lost relative leaves me a comfortable fortune)
but don’t count on me at the company picnic to punch the piƱata with acceptably outlined witty banter

WTF?...OMG...MGMT needs to stop with the BS HR PC OD’n…

and just give what we really want (scratch that) NEED...

a hooker

or a holiday fer a reward…

otherwise…just get off my dress!

Monday, June 20, 2011


a lil history lesson fer you kitten…now put on yer think’n cap and smarty britches…pop quiz at the end

originally...“GET OFF MY DRESS”...was the title of my reality show that i submitted to

Roseanne Barr

and Kathy Griffin

(survey says visuals keep you it's less wear-n-tear on the ol' think'n cap...ain't that right kitten!)

years back because i was completely over the flood of brain dead television programming that was out there

shows like “Jon & Kate Plus 8”
should have been titled “John and Kate: gimme a damn headache”

and as if one season wasn’t enough…we were subjected to 4 more seasons…and NOW...a spin-off

just add stupidity and stir...instant fame and fortune

hey…i already experienced the same dynamics when i grew up with dad and mom plus 8 in my family in the 70’s on the farm
where the hell was the camera man for my close-up way back when?
(can ya spot the future unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe in the crowd?)

as if that wasn’t enough…then we have to try...
“Keeping up with the Kardashians”
which would have been more appropriately titled...
“Keep yer damn clothes on Kardashians”

we can sit back and say they are complete idiots…dressed up like drunken drag queen hookers…make’n absolutely no sense why they are on our nitely programm'n hours in heavy rotation…yet a crap load of millions of viewers and corporations tune in every week…flood’n their bank accounts with millions upon millions in tv time and endorsement deals.

hmmm...and whos' responsible fer that one?

so of course when the rate'ns start to tumble… the neilsen demographic family...(i say you...cuz i don't have tv programm'n by choice)let them double your stupidity by lett'n them spread their stupidity all over new york now...while the other one married an african american to get more demographic dollars

but when ya break it down though…who REALLY is the idiot here?

has our view'n audience gone from fun-to-watch couch potatoes to complete brain dead mashed potatoes?

what happened to television programm’n with all the can't-get-it-outta-yer-head jingle themes like:


Wonder Woman

Laverne and Shirley

square pegs
( was only one season...but our teeenage angst needed somethin' to come down from the "breakfast club" high we all wanted to never end...and was teenage Carrie Bradshaw's break-out performance!)

and who could ferget....the Golden Girls
(the prequel to the the post Sex in the City girls)

at least these shows gave us a snappy tune along with some sorta lesson and/or moral in or about life...that made some sense and would be worth purchase’n on dvd years later

(picture pages...picture pages...time to get yer picture pages...time to get yer crayons and yer pencils...SEE WHAT I MEAN?'s been at least 30 years since i heard that...but it's still fresh as a daisy in my mind)

sorry for the A.D.D where was i?

oh yes...back to the program

so i want a reality show that had a theme song like the good years of themed song tv…had heart and a message…made you think and just accept without question...the things you have never encountered before

so my idea for “GET OFF MY DRESS” was to take 15 in-transition people…(my very close an extremely graphically talented friend Faedre would already be preselected as the winner...since she is in-transition and one of my dearest friends...and deserves to win!)

would be put up in a fancy double wide trailer…
(yes that is my dream home)

the contestants would have started the process or wanted to start the process of change’n their gender identity…but were unable to afford the surgery (after much needed therpay at first of course...this is not like gett'n a tattoo)

they would do various projects and tasks that weren't demean'n to their character and the last one stand’n in the trailer would get the full head-2-toe process turn’n them into the beautiful butterfly they've always dreamed to be

i recently discussed this with Jackie Beat on the way dropp’n her off at the airport a couple weeks back from her 1st fantabulous performance in the minne-apple

she suggested that it was an interest’n show but the name had to be changed as most people in-transition do not (or should not) want to be seen as a freak show… (so "tranny shack" is a no go either?)

she suggested “CAN YOU SPARE SOME CHANGE?”

i’m sold!!

so until that show gets picked up by LOGO or BRAVO tv…come see the reformatted version of

“GET OFF MY DRESS…love is a drag!”

(insert shameless promotion here)…ok...then I WILL!

an UNSCRIPTED script of REAL reality…brought to you in 3D high performing illusionist definition at the Bryant Lake Bowl Theater…


tell'n true stories about an unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist (that’s ME) of her own universe…

it took 15 years of cling’n and claw’n her way to the top… stepping out of the shadows and into her very own dimly lit spotlight …but this unintentionally internationally unknown performing illusionist of her own universe finally made it…sorta!

grow’n up in small…majestic cowtown Winona, MN

known for 3 things…


academy award winning shoplifter WINONA RYDER was named after the town

and of course me…KRYSTAL KLEER

cover’n everything…under the covers…from sex…religion…relationships…and proves love really is a drag after all!

Tickets on sale @ Bryant Lake Bowl Theater Box Office or online @

Fridays July 15, 22, 29 at 7:00pm doors open @ 6:00pm
Thursdays July 21 and 28 at 10:00pm doors open @ 9:30pm

$12 in advance $15 day of show

so get a ticket aboard the catch-up train with this unintentionally internationally unknown performing illusionist of her own universe…KRYSTAL KLEER…as she breaks it down what living the low life in high heels is all about.

Alex...can i have "GET OFF MY is a drag!" fer $500 pleez?
"ok then...answer...what is "where YOU'll be this july 15th,21st,22nd,28th or 29th if yer not die'n a slow death from an ecoli breakout?...pleez phrase it in a form of a question"

"what is "GET OFF MY is a drag!?"

"that is correct for $500"

wait a minute there dare you go by without even click'n on that link i posted above...that addy again is

(click on it now...or someone has to die!)

can’t wait to see you there kitten

Monday, June 13, 2011

Let's hear it for the BOY!!

many many kittens have asked me over the years…how…or more…shall we say…who…turned me from a sweet and innocent irish/catholic farm boy…into this kaleidoscopic alter’d mess that you’ve all come to enjoy and somewhat embarrassed by at times (trust me i’m not blind…i can hear what yer not say’n)

well i’m hear to tell you…i am a loud and proud product of the 80’s

when RUBIX was the only cubicle i knew of...
hair was as high as the himalayas…
they were the kings who wanted to be QUEEN...
that stick of a woman in the white house was tell’n us to “just say no!”…
little blue people were popular...
before the little blue pill…
the facts were all about life…
gay cops were seen as hero’s for the hetro’s…
menage trois were HUGE
they actually played music 24/7
Marilyn was a man…
Annie dressed like a man…
a small town gal turned underwear into outerwear…
she was think'n of a new sensation...
she wanted to turn back time...
and before domestic partners…she was THEE domestic goddess!
but thee numero ONE that had the BIGGEST impact on my compact was the BOY who everyone thought was a girl
who’s hairspray and make-up bill alone could eat up the profits from all the non-profit organizations in the 80’s combined
i’m talk’n about my heroin (who’s finally off heroin) BOY GEORGE
tomorrow is BOY GEORGE’s 50th year of life on this planet…and from turn’n my world and the world’s world upside with his infectious confections of melodic geniousness that has influenced millions upon hundreds for the past 30 years…there is no question BOY GEORGE is a live’n legend…(and don’t question me on that one!) so i proclamate this dedicatable blog to him (hey i can…it’s my blog)

after enjoy’n a small success as lead singer of BOW WOW WOW as Lieutenant Lush for a few months in the early 80’s…

MIKEY CRAIG (bassist)
ROY HAY (keyboardist/guitarist)
JON MOSS (drummer/ex luva)
Helen Terry (back-up singer)
formed CULTURE CLUB...and became an over nite world wide phenomenal sensation that took the 1980's by storm with their blend of reggae and pop
and turned the music world upside down in 1982 with there first single “white boy”
sell’n millions of records with a string of such world wide hitz like
“karma chameleon”...“i tumble 4 ya”…“do you really want to hurt me”
"time (clock of the heart)"...“war song”…“church of the poison mind” and
"i just want to be loved" just to name a few

tour’n everywhere from toledo to tokyo…his catalogue of amaze’n hitz can be purchased on itunes or yer fav-o-rit on-line store:

has been immortalized by mattel
has penned not 1 but 2 autobiographies…
and a cookbook…why not!
may i also suggest read’n “cry salty tears” by Dinah O’Dowd…
the tale of a mother's survival and eventual triumph over almost unbelievable domestic hardship and prolonged mental torture and destructive ignorance...yet successfully raised a family of six and nurtured the unique personality of a world superstar...her son Boy George...

is one of the world’s most famous and sought after DJ’s
nominated for 4 broadway tony’s include’n original score for his beautifully penned musical TABOO…
which explored the 80’s decadence while showcase’n the rise and fall and rise again of this 80’s icon…Boy George portrayed eccentric club kid and fashion extraodinaire Leigh Bowery
and was also portrayed in a tv movie of the week about his life in
“Worried about the BOY” in Europe
(Markie Post had nothing to do with this production)

has dueted with the likes of Stevie Wonder on “part time lover”…Dionne Warwick classic “say a little prayer”…the sexually infused raunchy hit “fire~desire” with Avenue D…the somber “more than likely” with PM Dawn and most recently "somebody to love me" with Mark Ronson and sung the themes to many movie soundtracks like the haunting “crying game” from the same title… “live my life” from Hiding Out…“welcome to your life” from Welcome to Woop Woop…and “felidae” from Felidae

has also donated his talents to many many charitable singles over the years include'n Band-Aid "do they know it's christmas"...Ferry Aid "let it be" and Live Aid Armenia "what's going on" among many others

his clothing line…B-RUDE…is fashion with a punk passion
check out what's on sale here:

wanna learn more about my save’n grace?…find all about what he’s been up to here:

for you french followers…or bi-lingualists…try this one:

BOY GEORGE has enjoyed much success as a solo artist
with hitz like "generations of love"..."same thing in reverse"...the powerful sorrow ballad "il adore" and electro underground infused "size queen" amongst the heap of hitz

and with his current dance club sensational cd “ORDINARY ALIEN”…
it looks like the BOY is back on track.

2012 will see the original line up with BOY GEORGE…MIKEY CRAIG…ROY HAY and JON MOSS (and hopefully HELEN TERRY) back on tour for the 30th anniversary of CULTURE CLUB on a massive world tour and conquer’n the continents once again with their infectious pop music and powerful ballads
i’ve bumped into him 4 times in my life…include’n have’n the opportunity to blow chunks on his feet during a concert at first avenue in 95 (not how i wanted to meet my BOY mind you…but circumstances were happen’n that were outta my control at the time)

i will ever be in debt to the man named BOY…so let’s hear it for the BOY!!