Monday, November 28, 2016

LOVE LETTERS

well a fine hiedee ho to you...we don't have much time...so let's just get...
right down to it...i want ya to close yer eyes and visualize fer but a mere moment if you will...(come on...i can see you peek'n)...well ok...i guess that won't help much with the story i'm about to tell ya with yer cornea's closed and all...ok fine...kick back in yer culottes and have someone read it to ya then you lazy fucker...cuz today we're goin on a lil history field trip...
but kittens..puhleez hide any reminders you have of the year 2016...cuz ya don't need that fuck over moment that Christopher Reeves hadda experience in the 80's...kapeesh?

picture it..the year is 1925
the film "BEN HUR" was burn'n up the movie theaters without have'n to mutter a single word...well cuz it was the year of the silent era kittens
the ankle was finally make'n it's appearance as thee most exotic thing to walk down the runways
a sluethy detective and the king of late nite were born

and a young lasse nicknamed Mickie
but known to most as the matriarch to our large irish catholic family as Viola...
of course...i just called her Grama 
would receive a delightfully charm'n letter from her future luv and eventually my Grampa Edd...that i would never have the pleasure to meet unfortunately...on May 18th 1925
NOOOO!...heaven's to betsy...please don't tell me you guys missed the pie social!
no one speaks of pie socials these days...and that truly saddens me!

3 months later...you can almost feel the giddiness and long'n fer his lil lassie over-whelm him as he put pen to paper...
much like i get when i hear Boy George has a new album come'n out...or one of yer high school bullies is left desolate in disrepair and down on his luck
oh to only live in those days...when everything was soo real and soo authentic...when you actually hadda work at keep'n the relationship alive...
without a simple block or delete button at yer fingertips to end it when you didn't see it fitt'n into yer E true hollyweird story after all!
special thanx to my brother Darrin fer save'n this treasured piece of history

now get off my dress!

Monday, November 21, 2016

do yer homework

well...after doin my annual fall clean'n of all my dirty filthy unsalted ...
adulted emails and such...(that my friend Karen wants to go all gestapo on my ass every time i do it)...but hey i like work'n with a clean plate...i came (well...NOT this week yet...but there's still hope) across a blog i was write'n fer the last school season...so i figer'd there's no reason...to wait...since i'm have'n brain tumors fer breakfast this week and can't think of a gosh damn fuck'n thing to write about without hemorrhage'n my cerebral cortex over the shit storm that's come'n our way via LORD ORANGE ANUS and his band of despicables...thanx to those fuck'n family friendly deplorables 

BUTT...
 i digress!

though many might wish that their high school years was just a plethora...
of musical diddys and dudes...goin from a beauty queen to a bad ass

we all have had our own cross to bear in the trenches of high school...
whether we were just bein' the pin-up or the pinata

Molly was the painted saint fer all of us misfit Gen Xer's out there...
make'n millions off the pain of bein the most popular princess of our teenage angst...who secretly...we all wanted to be...or at the very least...have her as our very own personal BFF

but once the tantrums have faded...along with yer looks...only then...at the 20 year reunion...you only wish'd you'd done everything on a much more grandioso scale...(well not go all Columbine mind you) so you could turn yer experience into some major bank account and get outta yer current 
dead end job...i'm still contemplate'n my book/movie deals with the mucky mucks of tinsel town about my scandalously sordid school experiences...i'm think'n mine probably could be titled somethin' like "footballed flakes" or maybe "locker room liaisons" or how about "screw u2"...now... though these might sound more like porn titles...than pulitzer prize winners...hey...it's my story!

in the mean time...here's the list of my all time fav top 10 high school melodrama's that'll help you create yer very own million dollar box office smash hit you can start penn'n today and skip all that useless therapy

#10 even though this was originally released in 1982...
is the saturated punk classic with a hideous theme song by one Alice Cooper (that's pretty much a  pooper) but it has all the rough and tough tales of survive'n the inner city schools...starr'n 80's hot daddy Perry King as the hot-to-trot teacher teacher and 50's ferry Roddy McDowall...if that ain't enough to scare the shit outta ya...then Michael Fox (before the J) in his Dorothy Hamill do...will do...i swear it

#9 sometimes bein' teachers pet is just not worth the hassle...
with the easily accessible non verbal world of titillation at yer finger tips...this dark tale of on-line chat room chatter...turns the table...and the fable...about a lil red hood and the big bad wolf of a teacher

#8 live'n in burbville sure ain't all what it's cracked up to be...
picture it...it's the 1970's...ABBA is everywhere and yer bein' brought up in an overly protective and religious household...(i can't even imagine)...but you can when you check out this brilliant dark drama starr'n Kristen Dunst...Kathleen Turner...James Woods and Minnesota's own heart throb Josh Hartnett

#7 well beyond my graduational years...the sleeper hit of 2001
made me wish i was back in high school fer just one more year...a quirky flick starr'n neo emo Thora Birch as Enid and her BFF...a very young Scarlett Johansson as Rebecca and her next door nerdy neighbor Steve Buscemi as Seymour...Enid can't graduate without her art class...but gets classed in art by Seymour...all while become'n teachers pet

#6 not everyone feels the need to feel pretty in pearls and perfume
the 1st of my 2 pix fer best high school flix by the ever talentedly beautiful Winona Ryder...as Dinky with her antisocial attitude in check...and the odd ball out amongst her peers...she anxiously awaits the arrival of her birth mother that she thinks abandoned her as a baby...while build'n her ark of misfit animals

#5 "plus it up...plug it up..."plus it up"...need i say more?
as if that first time when Flo comes to town ain't hard enough...if this De Palma classic with Miss Spacek as the telekinetic teenage terror taught me anything about high school...is that you NEVER fuck with the quiet ones...PERIOD!
PS...SPOILER ALERT...FUCK THE REMAKE

#4 how a total crush can really totally crush you to bits
from 1996...being a middle child is never easy...but bein a middle Weiner sux...especially when yer stuck between a nerdy dweeb fer an older brother and perky C-U-Next-Time fer a lil sister...but Dawn manages to find a purpose fer all the electrical circuits rage'n thru her nubile body 

#3 what teenager doesn't feel like their life is fuck'd over?
Christina Applegate as Sue Ellen thinks her last summer before graduation is a free fer all when her mom decides to take a trip down under...only to find out her mother hired a nanny cam marinate'n in ben-gay and orthopedics to keep the clan in check

#2 try'na be the most popular pupil can turn out to be deadly...
is fairly unknown black comedy masterpiece in my mind...filmed in my state of the Purple Paisley yoda...stars a slue of cool funny bold broads from Alley to Ellen...Denise to Dunst...tell'n the tale of a bevy of mid-western wanna-be beauty queens vy'n fer that ultimate meal ticket to become'n the town tramp...I mean that coveted crown of diamelles molest'n yer AquaNetted head and not lett'n anyone step in yer way...or on yer culottes that you hand stitched from the pattern section in yer grannies McCall's catalogue

#1 "fuck me gently with a chainsaw...do i look like Mother Teresa?"
my 2nd and ULTIMATE high school trama drama by Miss Winona Ryder as Veronica Chandler and high school hard-on material Christian Slater as the incredibly hot psycho ...is  the masterpiece that was the complete ripped off road map fer the movie "Mean Girls" ...about how to deal with peer pressure and pansy asses...litter'd in classic one liners from beginn'n to end like

for a lil extra credit...i even go one fer those drop-outs
a prequel to the gloriously slap-stick'n series than ran fer 3 hysterical seasons on Comedy Central spoof'n the after school specials of the 80's...centered around Carrie Bradshaw's publicist...this is the story about a Jerri Blank...junkie whore runaway who dropped outta school 32 years ago...who was a boozer...a looser and a user...but goes back to school as a 46 year old freshman to pick up right where she left off

so there ya have it kittens...don't try to remake history...just make it!
now shake a tale feather and get off my dress!

Monday, November 14, 2016

ORANGE IS NOT the NEW BLACK

just so there's NO confusion this week...
i absolutely fuck'n luv Luv LUV this show...i'm finally gett'n around to season 3...and can't get enough of it...and yes i know i'm a bit behind the program sceduel'n...sue me kittens...but that's not why i'm here today

no...i think Camera Obscura said it best when they said...
oh...not just cuz LORD ORANGE ANUS was "conveniently" give'n the keys to the big house last week...by fault of the lame electoral college mind you...
this loud mouth'd...trigger tweet'n happy...lie'n...mysogynistick...non tax pay'n...Russian luv'n...racist inciter DID NOT WIN the PEOPLE'S VOTE
SHE DID!

NO...it's cuz ALMOST half of this country is unfortunately...
 a bunch of brainless fuckwadian deplorables with no moral compass and no sense of compassion fer their neighbors...include'n some related to me by my bloodline or that are in my circle of "friends"

he may be the puppet runn'n the country to the ground fer the next 4 yrs
BUTT...
this clown WILL NEVER be MY PRESIDENT...since all he cares about...is HIS OWN special interests...P-E-R-I-O-D!

don't even get me started on his snakey lil VP puppet master Lucifer...
who's already up to his dirty lil tricks...that everyone bitched about with HILLARY over the past year
i'm not waste'n any time with what's to come fer the next 4 years...but trust me when i say...one things fer damn sure...Joan would have to fight tooth and nail to have it her way...were she still around...

so i don't wanna hear from ANYONE who voted fer the Dark Side...
when the Dark Lord Orange Anus strips a majority of this country from it's freedoms we once took fer granted...
with his band of despicables pull'n his strings

when it's all over...you'll wish they were in fer another 4 more years...
we've come so far as a country and i personally wanna THANK YOU a million times over Mister President and First Lady fer all that you 2 have done these past 8 years and for putt'n up with all the BS that you had to...i wish you both all the best

now just get off my dress!

Monday, November 7, 2016

i had a dream...

it was a steamy sat nite...i was gas'n up my shit mobile with the left over...
pocket change i had left in my pleated culottes...3 months back...from the movie i went to the other nite with my "extracurricular activities" friend...and the very attractive...toothless slug behind the counter ring'n me up...who was stripp'n me down with his barely there morals...but i didn't mind...i'da done the same i suppose...if i wasn't me already...(hey i ain't conceited...i'm just convinced)

where was i?...oh yea...so anyways...he would run my last minute lotto...
 ticket i purchased...after this BIG GULP that i hadda do from this insatiably mezmerize'n tooth chipper that had just passed in front of my on-cumm'n traffic...only to go ape shit and loose his marbles tell'n me i hit the BIG ONE....S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y?...
DOH!...eh...fuck it...ya can't win if ya don't play...right?

anyways...truth be told...i had just found out i finally got the BIG C
oh kittens...oh no...i don't mean the good kind...well not this time at least...no...
but unfortunately...i would have no Jerrod behind me buzz'n his locks...and hadda go it alone

i went thru every scenario and thought of every outcome i could...
that anybody in my situation would after find'n a lump...where a lump does not belong...after find'n out it has completely nutt'n to do with blue balls
well...i refused to pick out a formal gown fer some sorta pity parade fer my "situation"...it would be 3 months til i could get a check-up since the doc was back'd up...but i decided i hadda tell a small circle of 3 of my "situation" so it wouldn't fester in or on my mind...on a daily basis fer the next 3 months...

i knew hadda find a distraction to occupy my kaleidoscopic mind...
that was runn'n thru that marathon of emotions...as most do at a time like this...thankfully i found out my all time FAV-O-RIT BOY was come'n back to town...
BUTT

it would be 3 months i would have to also wait fer his return to town...  
so i focused all my energy fer the next 3 months...consumed by all the politicks of the delusionally desperate deplorables who were defend'n that hot headed...oompa loompa'd...dasturdly despicable...tangerine/cheeto'd Jesus slug...which unfortunately also included some of my family and friends...
in the off chance i would get "THAT CALL" that would end it all...i went thru my mountain of dvd's...cd's...hair and heels...decide'n who would get the biggest kick outta my earthly eBay possessions...
(well...don't you wish yer name was Peetrinella about now)
the day had F-I-N-A-L-L-Y come...and so did i...almost...when i seen my gynecologist doctor...he put my mind at ease...as i slipped into the appropriate hospital negligee...
he put on a Shelly Fabre record (hey...i'm tell'n the story here) and as i looked around the sterile room fer any sorta hope...i just happened to catch my doctor's name...i am kidd'n you not...
DR. fuck'n BUTCHER...
GREAT!...i'm dance'n at the edge of a mental cliff and i'm gett'n examined by Dr. Freddy fuck'n Krueger...of course this set my mind at complete easy when he said i had nothin' to worry about...NOT!...but after a quick game of 20 questions...it was all over...well except i would have to wait one more week for my results...though...i will say...if yer gonna get the BIG C check-up...it's so much easier when yer doctor is a total GRRRRANIMAL!
luckily a week later...i got an email say'n the lump was benign...so i'm outta the clear fer now...but to come back if things should happen to change
then i FINALLY woke up!...HUH!...was this ALL just a scary dream?
NOPE...THANKFULLY IT WAS NOT!

now get off my dress!

**UNFORTUNATE UPDATE AS OF 11-9-16**
FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK!