and luckily fer me...and a very generous text i received late one even'n...practically plead'n...to almost down right...
well...i was more than happy to entertain the trolls
so off it was to Oprahville with my fav-o-rit
trusted and rusted VP and CEO to my fan club...fer an extended hedonistic h-weenie weekend...why not!
of booze..boys...and bobb'n fer blue balls
we originally planned on...or shall i say...i suggested we go as...
the 4 Jessica's of the Apocalypse...
but that was gonna be way too much of a hassle to find a 4th in town...
so we unanimously decided to go as the 3 blind...but incredibly slutty...mice
everything seemed to be goin well...that is until mother nature got a stick up her A double snakes...and threw a temper tantrum...and started toss'n up
a 17 foot wall of waves along the shore line...shower'n the city with rainy snow like shards of glass and fuck'd up our celebratory nite of evilness...needless to say...i was in no mood to look like a cut up drowned rat...so i decided to go as a simple sexually repressed out-of-towner with the libido of a giant gnat
i had heard how huge h-weenie was is in this town fer many many years...
with their h-weenie parade kick'n off thru boystown...which the theme this year was FREAKSHOW...(how original and innovative)...so i expected to see over the top costumes beyond anything i've ever experienced in the Minne-Apple
but with mother nature toss'n an attitude...it kinda put a damper into everyone's pamper'n themselves up...and the whole parade lasted a
measly 15 minutes at best...the highlight fer me the entire nite and the only outfit i really thought put any thought behind it...was of course TWISTY the clown
so me and my posse just fumbled and stumbled our way thru the nite...
with everyone in the spirit...the spirits were definitely flow'n faster than the mighty mississip...but trust me...we weren't miss'n any sip
by morn'n my CEO decided to abandon us...so me and my VP were on our
with my dyslexia and short term memory...i can easily get twisted around
and lost...faster than a cripple in a corn field...but eventually i made my way to my VP's hotel and off we went on our
drunk tank tour his shopp'n spree
our 1st stop was
an over priced snob shop Ralph Loren...though reek'n in style and sophistication fer those want'n to feel like they are far more superior than CASPER CHER once you walked thru the front doors...i felt like the fabrics alone were mock'n every move i made...but this was the 1st grand store i'd ever heard of with a "bar" and not a "backroom" in it...
so i felt a lil bit outta place...and once we had bellied up to the bar...i was over whelmed by the array of spirits stand'n at attention...wink'n at me like some high class hooker...but i knew this bar would not accept my EBT card...so i figered i can't go wrong with my dinner in a glass...know to most as the bloody mary...that is until i got the check...though it was a good bloody...i was not ready to demean myself and pull out the knee pads (well just not yet anyways)...but seriously...i practically felt like i was just raped without my consent (there is a difference ya know...just fyi)
so off to our next destination a few blocks away...which i felt doesn't need any free advertise'n from me since i wasn't gett'n felt up by anyone there
and like my VP says...if ya have to ask how much it is...then you can't afford it anyways...this is true...i guess the same could apply to me when i'm asked out by any gentle...or not so gentle...pole puffer or cobweb cleaner (insert LAUGH only here sicko)
though he found the perfect jacket that i will say fit him like a glove...made from lambchop and about 15 of her cousins...he just couldn't justify gett'n fisted fer fashion...so he left with a fab-u-less than the jacket... symmetrically zipped sweater
things didn't fair so well next door either...thanx to the hotter than hell...
middle eastern salesman...that...trust me...was sell'n alot more than just his dignity...we're talk'n nuclear arms here...built like a brick house...believe me when i say...i was ready to rock his casbah...this was some sorta well tailored parisian paradise...the style was exquisite...the tailor'n was impeccable...the mammary gland on the other hand that was try'na up sell their up scale items...was cock block'n at this point...
i was ready to sell someone's small child fer the not-so-blue-suede boots that were scream'n my name...but her annoy'n presence curbed me from become'n a salvation army recipient
my VP on the other hand...had plenty in his hand...but was now try'n to figer out which corner he'd be look'n fer a hand-out...so after a quick nibbly and a non alcoholic alcoholic refresher course...all was good in the world
later that even'n...well let's be honest...it was pretty much like the nite before...without all the costumes...cock-blockers and confusion
travel was provided courtesy of my fan-club...(thank you ever so bored members) but since the rent was due upon my return...i knew i had a limited amount of benajims to play with on this trip...though if this kept up the way it was goin...(and we were only on day #2)...i'd be take'n a #2 fer hours once i returned...so i hadda bow out of a few things along the way
the follow'n day...i ventured out on my own fer a couple of hours to do some shopp'n in boystown...though nothin' was scream'n at me to remove
any internal organs and take them home with me...i did manage to find the perfect tee fer me...
but by now i was ready to teabag the counter fag check'n me out...or was he just check'n me out?...i blanked fer a second...then he said..."umm is that gonna be cash or credit?"...small talk turned into ask'n if that was my real name...i said "it is...but you can just call me TONITE...i mean it"
(hey...it was an honestly delicious mistake...you didn't see him)
by nite fall...it would be rinse and repeat all over again...but this time...
we were downtown to see the
absolutely insane attention whore daredevil that was goin to tight walk rope across 2 build'ns...from the 50th floor...in downtown chicago...without ANY sort of safety net or harness...it was either feast on the accolades he would receive after his walk...or he'd be have'n dinner with the devil..
to say this guy was insane...is an understatement...it wasn't exactly palm springs weather out...and really...if i wanna risk my life to impress someone...well...i just won't...i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...there's no one i feel worthy enough that i need to impress
so anyways...as Oprah's copter...or what we assumed was Oprah's copter...made circles around the build'n...it would take anothe hour and 40 minutes before
his final he finally would step out fer his nite walk...
i swear...they built this thing up like Geraldo open'n the Capone vault in '86
thankfully though... this guy didn't end up with
his face all over the cement below pie all over his face
we ended the vacation with sunday funday at our fav-o-rit homo haunt...
SIDETRACK fer showtunes nite
(apparently yer shunned by the locals if you add an S at the end)
and you know the nite is gonna be good when you walk into XANADU...but don't you hate when this happens to me?
some local yokel from meals on wheels takes me on as part of his charitable act fer the even'n and follows me around like some love starved baboon...think'n i'm gonna be his lil voodoo doll to play with...though it had a been a while since my non baby maker blew some batter...i was in no mood fer this mad hatter
the debauchery ended that even'n at the lucky horseshoe...as it should've...
i knew by morn'n...though i kept my dignity in tact thru-out the weekend...
i should'a been arrested fer practically starve'n my piggy bank of all it's vital organs...but i figred if need be...i could always polish off the knee pads when i returned home...but thankfully that didn't have to happen...this time!
now get off my dress!