Monday, December 7, 2015

jingled jollies

it's that time of year again...fer all the holiglazed classics done right...
by the one and only...thee most hilariously underrated holiday hater out there...MISS JACKIE BEAT in her latest installment "WHITE MEAT OR DARK?...which sells out annually and at the same boggles my mind that she ain't got her own tv special...YEARLY...SERIOUSLY....HELLO HBO!!!

speak'n of...with her recent twisted lyrical genius to Adele's "HELLO" titled "JELLO"...makes me absolutely bummed i'll be miss'n her latest installment this year but it made me reflect on the last time i caught her in Oprahville a few years back with a couple of friends and how i wish i'da worn my bejeweled colostomy bag…cuz she absolutely bedazzled the crowd in her annual tra-la-la event...serve'n up the ho-ho-ho classics…her way
there wasn't a dry eye in the house from what i couldn't see…so if you ever get the chance to catch her MISS JACKIE BEAT live fer the holidaze…YOU MUST!…TRUST'd be mad not to

how much holipraize does one person really need? on with MY story...

the follow'n day apparently i decided to find some locally socially retarded crypt keeper to take with my vitamin D and B-12 and a glass of freshly squeezed misery…cuz there i was on the corner of pity avenue and desperado junction at a place called Melrose…
at 10 am on a very brisk morn'n…after spinn'n the roulette wheel of casualty encounters off the informational highway...otherwise known as whoreville

to his credit…he was visually appeal'n from his photos he sent me…and i'm sure he totally looked like that…15 years ago!...but unless yer gonna hop on yer time machine trike to meet me in some parallel universe...but why do i always have to lather my cornea's with petroleum jelly just to watch you walk away?

age has NEVER been a problem with me…well unless yer a first grader or got a foot in the grave…but keep yer chin up…cuz i'm sure someone…
somewhere out there…would find you completely magically delicious
instead of call’n him out from the obvious…i decided i would do my last charitable act of the year and entertain my headache…i'd usually leave out his name as to not embarrass or endanger his non existent mentality…but he has nothing to worry about…as i don't even recall what his name was…and ya know what…
i might have to send a gift to the guy would invented the delete button feature on my cell phone…cuz i got plenty of good use outta it this year

so this crypt non keeper…from the very get go…even before i had...
a chance to take off the carcass wrapped around my neck...spewed out about some X that he used to go with to this restaurant but left him fer someone 10 years younger after 10 minutes

REALLY…ya don’t say? he left YOU fer someone 10 years younger?...stop me if i'm wrong...but would it have anything to do with you being so fuck'n socially retarded?...the only time you open up the X when you've been invited to that uncomfortable forgy

either case...pity party…table of one…yer table is ready!

though this arthritic ape was narcissistically delicious…
turns out he had shit fer brains!
i was trapped in a homo coma from hell fer the next hour…this post party boi relic had the emotional commitment of an amazonian fruit fly
cuz ALL he talked about was his many X's that he had consumed over the past 20 years…and how he wants to stay with one person now…who doesn't wanna do "a lot" of chemically induced recreational vacations…or have the desperate need to go to every white…black…pink hearts…yellow moons…green clovers or blue diamond circuit parties anymore…or feel the need to become a wall flower at any given non heterosexual bar on any given nite of the week

as the bill appears…mr. anal wart calculates down to the last % the amount that is my portion…not that i have a prob pay'n my share mind you…even if he did ask me to have breakfast with him…but this guy alone could keep a therapist in a penthouse suite

ya know walk'n cliché?…go tell Oprah…she cares!
cuz i sure as shit didn't…NEXT!

later that nite…i headed out to the local intoxication establishments in homoville with my non heterosexual entourage of 4…
we stopped at Sidetrack…the gayborhood hotspot to wash away our holidaze with some holiglaze amongst the sea of eye candy cold sores…but it was chilly pick'ns weren't all that slim but let's just say if i were a fertile woman…i'da bore my 6th bastard child on the way to the powder room…but i left with my purity shield in tact thankfully...cuz i wasn't in the mood fer side of penicillin with my pancakes in the morn'n

next destination stop...the Lucky Horseshoe fer new visual stimulations...
to see the professionally trained drugged induced "exotic dancers" show

my vacational friend who came with to the windy city was like an explode'n atm machine towards 2 of the professional trained dancers one night stands who were as entertain'n as a box of newly opened crayons
until ya started peel'n away the tragic wrapper that was their backstory that you were forced to listen to...while make'n meatloaf fer the porcelain god

as nite followed morn'n and morn'n followed nite…it was rinse and repeat all over again…the second nite ended where it all Hydrate
but tonite was all about flesh for fashion and though i'm not ashamed of the work i put into my body…i don't feel the need to justify my existence or acceptance by putt'n myself in some narcissistic display case in a room full of desperadovillians
(way'duh' did this one get in here? *snicker*snicker*)

everything was fine to until my local friend…who just oops'd himself into the overrated category…tried ripp'n me a new A double snake hole just cuz i gave a $2 tip on a $11 bill to the hot bartender Paul from the nite before
jesus christ on a cracker!

ok…i've worked in the wait staffed industry in the past and by all means that was NOT bein' cheap…regardless how hot he was…but of course my friend…now drunk…but still coherent enough to see what i tipped
threw a bitch fit over my less than 50% generosity…and demands me to give him a bigger tip…which in turn i told him he's more than welcome to…which ended up being another 6 bux thanx to him

though quite generous on his drunk part…this does not all of a sudden turn you into a viable candidate to make it to the bartenders bedroom...
that's his job as a bat his eyelashes at any drunk atm machine barely stand'n before him...but gurl puuuhleeeez!...this is not proposal paradise ya freak!

i've been friends with him fer 20 years…and he…at times…reminds me how i said to him 20 years ago…how i would never work out when we first met while he was doin' it daily…well…if i knew 20 years ago…that he would turn into the bloated bitchfest barely stand'n before me now 20 years later…i would've never returned his call…but i guess people change…sometimes fer the better…sometimes fer the bloated...i'm just say'n

all in all…i was glad i came…and due to popular demand…i did…twice!
but on my next visit…would the overrated PUHLEEZ...
get off my dress!

ps...but to leave on a happy happy joy joy cool is blog has hit over the 200,000 mark after 5 short years...i'm have'n a total...
ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding a da ding de dong
shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-ed-y
shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-y boom de boom
ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding-a de ding de dong
shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy
shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-ty boom de boom
a wop ba-ba lu-mop...a wop bam boom moment now...thanx kittens!

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