AS THE STOMACH CHURNS...

before we begin today's lil adventure thru H-E-double hockey stick...

it's finally begun kittens...the MADAME X TOUR

click here fer tour tix to this absolutely amaze'n...and much more intimate theater production...that's sell'n alot faster than the lies bein' vomited from the current mentally deranged sack of orange pig shit with the cottage cheesed ass disgrace'n the oval office and humanity!...sadly though...

i will have to sit this ground break'n tour out as i can no longer afford to pay fer the braces fer her litter box of children...so it'll be DVD city fer me once it's been released...(this is an unpaid never the less a much deserved endorsement)...so let's begin...shall we?

like find'n a needle in a hay stack...

a diamond in the rough...

or gett'n all the correct damn lotto numbers in order fer a change...

it's an absolute rarity that i ever come close to blow'n my top at anyone ..

well...unless of course he's used proper hygiene first!

sundays are usually saved fer my leisurely sunday drives thru out town...

to do my groceries...mylanta and sometimes my charity case from the week before...WHY NOT!

recently though...i've been expand'n my sunday boundaries...by cross'n

the MN boundaries...to the boundary waters in Hudson WI...thanx to my newly acquired boat friends Jim & Emily...and thrust me...anyone that knows me...knows this was never an option fer me thanx to a lil film i watched at the tender age of 6

especially after the untimely death of my fav-o-rit sun block'n center piece...which is now rest'n in the watery graves at the bottom of the St Croix River...

i desperately tried contact'n the coast guards to do a 3 mile perimeter...

scan of the area and scramble together a SEAL 6 team cuz i was in no mood to take any chances...but get this!...my request?...completely D-E-N-I-E-D!

then it had occurred to me that i had neglected to do all my groceries...

mylanta and my charity case from last week before bask'n in my full length burka and ball cap aboard the SS Long Dong Silver...and the nite was slowly slipp'n away...so once i landed ashore...i made my way to the nearest big box location

aimlessly goin from aisle to aisle...think'n about nutt'n nothin'...cuz i can...
comtemplate'n whether or not if i needed certain items in my basket...like

new head clippers...

a new pair of dungarees...

shower jams and jellies...

and perhaps my signature coal black eyeliner

i decided to just leave with some simple appetize'n stomach fillers...

(ps...i'm not preggers) just items i knew i needed to satisfy my crave'ns at some point

as i made my way to the only open check-out...i knew i needed somethin'

 to help calm the restless natives in the pit of my stomach of what had transpired earlier in the day

as i placed all of my items on the conveyor belt...one by one...watch'n them make their way to the scanner...the young cashier swiped my items

1st...the mustard

2nd...the chocolate milk

as my last item came down the conveyor belt...the cashier says to me...

"sir...can you please scan this item?"

ESQUEEZE ME?

"sir...i cannot scan this item...it is against my religion"

i swore i had too much to drink aboard the boat...cuz i thought i was hear'n double

HUH?

"sir...there is pork in this item...it is against my religion to touch it"

"AGAINST YER RELIGION?"...i said...as i fumbled around my pockets...

look'n fer the keys to my bat shit crazy verbiage that was about to explode like diarrhea any minute

listen here...you unfortunately under paid...last call fer alcohol...sacker

 KISS MY GRITS!

well...in case you haven't heard you CASPER crusade'n cherry pick'n
mother fucker...it's AGAINST my religion to work on sundays...or do someone else's job that i'm not gett'n paid for...or to give 2 shits about...

what voodoo you do on yer own time...i'm fuck'n hungry...and after what i had to experience with the lose of my fav-o-rit piece of attire that i've owned like it was my own flesh and blood...i'm in NO MOOD to hear about what yer fairytales say you can and cannot do at yer place of employment!

apparently cuz it said there was pork product in my pizza...he could not

touch the item...BUT the questionable pork was not exposed where his fingertips would touch it...IN FACT...it was conveniently sealed in plastic...funny how company's do that to there food items huh?!

look here kittens...i'm ALL fer the E.O.E and United Colors of Benetton...

and i have zero problems with whatever people choose to do with their OWN life that means nothing to ME...since THEY mean nothing to me after i leave their register...except that when i'm a pay'n customer...and yer the paid employee...YOU are gett'n paid to DO YER JOB...FOR ME...PERIOD!

you don't like it...then work in another area where you are not exposed to yer fairytale filth!...cuz i can bet you...like most religious voodoo'ers...

they're all conveniently fitt'n their "fairytales" laziness...instead of actually THINK'N...before they have to chow down on their own feet!

so i scanned the item...and BAGGED it myself...and i expect to get paid...

fer my services rendered!

i get enough religious puke from the news...the fairytale thumpers on the streets corners near my work...or the CASPER crusaders that lurk all alone try'n to save yet another soul from burn'n in their delusional pits of 

H-E-double hockey stix...but keep yer voodoo stories to yerself...or you'll be goin' on a wild ride with my spiked tongue!

there it is kittens...a weekend in the life of an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...now if you don't mind...

it's time fer me to hum my hims!

so kindly get off my dress!