and painfully stumbled to the kitchen to hardly pour ourself a cup of ambition with only minutes to spare before ya gotta make that mad dash out the door to the office with absolutely no time to wash and set yer do...opt'n instead to cover up the pearl necklaces left encrusted in yer hair compliments of that guy you met on craigslist 3 years prior that drove in from the burbs in hopes that you hadn't moved yet
with the fav-o-rit back combed beauty yer grama bequeathed to you from the Eva Gabor collection that she had purchased back in the late 70's
ever since the mid 17h century...fake follicles have adorned the noggins
of many follically challenged fella's and teased up tawdry trollops that were worn as some sorta status symbol to flaunt their enormous sugga daddy wealth
i myself can still recall the very 1st time durin' my pre-unintentionally
internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe years of course...in 1986...when i was but a diligent yet dainty environmentalist (way before it was in vogue) scour'n thru my sour'n small minded town on my bmx bike...
collect'n any and all discarded stomach regurgitate'n liquid replenishment recyclable containers from every nook and cranny i could find and store em in my granny's garage til i was ready to turn them in fer some serious benjamins...
and by serious...i mean i needed exactly $85 plus tax...to cover my cranium with my very own long tresseled toupe since i could only get my follicles to find their way to my shoulders...and trust me...i was the envy of all that hit me up at Hardee's drive-thru that year
see kittens...years before RuPaul was tell'n the world to sashay...shantay
in the 90's and the ungodly birth of the the RUtards in the 2000's...saturate'n the airwaves with their "iconic" regurgitated looks...i was decaffinated and completely fasinated by the power of the wig and all the accroutrements that went along with it years before
thanx in part to people that i've really revered...who've paved the way fer
my humble beginn'ns...from HARVEY KORMAN as everyone's fav-o-rit fierce fairy godmother on the ass splitt'n hit sketch series "THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW" in the 1970's
to FLIP WILSON who duct taped his balls to his back walls portray'n the wise crack'n GERALDINE JONES on his very own comedy series "THE FLIP WILSON SHOW" durin' the same decade
and of course who can forget the comedic time'ns of one JACK TRIPPER played by JOHN RITTER portray'n cookie contestant contest winner grama Tripper on the hit series "THREE'S COMPANY"
BUTT...that ain't all
everyones fav-o-rit 1st family of fright..."THE MUNSTERS" even dabbled
in tresses and dresses every now an then when prodigious patriarch HERMAN MUNSTER frolick'd with his feminine side durin' the 60's that i was glued to in the 80's
of course the delicious decadence of the 80's was not lost on the world of
television thanx to the short lived tv series marinate'n in aqua velvet and aqua net with the yet unknown academy award winner TOM HANKS and emmy award winner PETER SCOLARI as 2 struggle'n gender bend'n advertisement agent roomies share'n a one bedroom in an all woman's apartment build'n just to survive the concrete jungles of NYC in "BOSSUM BUDDIES"
even former vaudville performer MILTON BERLE...who was christened
mr. televison in 1949 bein' that he was the 1st major tv sensation to hit the airwaves...frocked up as auntie Mildred on his comedy series "THE MILTON BERLE SHOW"...though most gen X'ers only remember him fondly play'n dual roles as a socialite couple with one half dripp'n in Harry Winston jewels in the hard rock'n video "ROUND AND ROUND" by those head bang'n alcoholic look'n wives of the group RATT in 1984
that same year...britsh rock band QUEEN fronted by the bisexual badass
of them all FREDDIE MERCURY finally got to get in touch with his more feminine side as an 80's house wife in the video for "I WANT TO BREAK FREE" turn'n hag drag into a household discussion
by the 1990's...the WAYAN brothers sketch series "IN LIVING COLOR"
would spawn the comic genius of JAMIE FOXX as WANDA WAYNE christened the ugliest woman in the world...but that crown would eventually be snatched out from under her by the one and only
RUtard...TYRA SANCHEZ
i practically broke my piggy bank take'n everyone to see the sleeper hit
of the summer in 1995..."PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT" involved these 3 fanfuckingtabulous slap stick'n hair hopp'n vegemite lassies from down under...who completely proved you can make some fierce follicles with just a glue gun...some spray glitter and a $5 budget in the floral section at yer local dollar store
now don't get me wrong...ANYONE that can pull off a pile of teased up
tresses without act'n like a pile of mess's has my praise...but to be quite honest...the only redeemable RU gurls in my opion out there are BIANCA DEL RIO and GINGER MINJ...P-E-R-I-O-D...the rest are just pieces of forgettable refried crap on bitter toast!
i still own my 1st raven wig that i ever purchased as a teenage jezebel...
though now it looks more like a bushel of Joan Jett's disgruntled pubic hairs...luckily i decided a while back to adopt a more bad ass blonde look which has been alot more fun to say the least...HOWEVER...
soon i plan on sport'n the wonderful world of the WARHOL wig collection since i'm near'n the age of Murder She Wrote marathons accompanied by metamucil martini's and lime jell-o squares as the main course...so until next time...GET OFF MY DRESS!
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