fantastic adventures involve'n that prehistorical post hystorectomied blonde harlet with the bouffant buffet who broke the law by savagely break'n and enter'n the residence of those 3 hippy hibernators back in 1897 and proceeded to taste test their organic slop they had left cool'n out on the table while the inhabitants left to rob the nearest bee's nest of all it's delicious nectar...then maliciously proceeded to rifle thru their vintage porn collection while try'n out a few of the "accessories" she found in the goodie drawer next the one of the beds before defacate'n on 2 of them due to her lactose intolerance...subsequently hemmorage'n at the seams while past out on the smallest urine soaked bed that she unfortunately used as her own personal colostomy bag
that story made me recall the time in the late 80's when i myself earned
my degree as a professionally self trained couch surfer...when i returned home one nite with my friend Jer after spend'n the entire day together create'n a parade of creative chaos all over our humble lil shithole of a town...only to find out there was no longer a home to come home to as it was completely vacant with the exception of my Madonna and Culture Club poster collection that was molest'n every inch of my side of the room i shared with my sister...
along with my vast cassette collection that was categorized in alphabetical order and by release date that used to be under my bed...and i say used to be well cuz there was no longer a bed for it to be under with just a few articles of my salvation army wardrobe left behind hang’n forlornly in the closet
beyond perplexed...i immediately thought WTF? "this is just like an eerie
episode of UNSOLVED MYSTERIES you know!" and i swear to fuck'n CHER that ROBERT STACK was gonna suddenly appear ominously outta the shadows of the bathroom closet and break down the mystery of my miss'n family in his best deep spine-chill'n commentary
needless to say...there would be no ROBERT site'n nor a hidden camera
ambush so instead of opt'n fer a cozy room at the local Belleville Manor...i decided then and there that i hadda pull up my safety pinned culottes...collect what's left of my belong'ns and carry on with my life and i did just that
the only set of fallopian tubes i had ever dated in my life from high school
was this vision of curiosity named Cricket...she basically loved my make-up astetics and i loved her mohawk...it was a match made in upside down world heaven...beyond that she eventually realized that "ONLY THE LONELY" by THE MOTELS would be our theme song fer the remainder of our relationship
after i told her one even'n when pick'n her up from her nite shift in her car she borrowed me...that she had the wrong "bread fer my butter" nonetheless...she recognized the pickled predicament i was currently in and wanted to help out in any way she could (which i will always be ferever grateful for)
so she cleaned out the back of her white paneled hotel on wheels and put her aunt's blow-up mattress in the back fer me which worked well fer the next 2 weeks until one early sunday summer morn'n as her aunt was gett'n ready fer church...heard me cutt'n down the redwood forest in the back of her niece's wagon when she went outside to get the morn'n paper and asked Cricket once inside "why is your boyfriend sleeping in the back of yer car?" to which Cricket replied "he's not my boyfriend anymore...i guess he's gay and doesn't have a bed at home anymore...well cuz he doesn't have a home!"
luckily fer me her aunt felt some sympathy fer my sticky situation as well and since i was now a confessed hetrosexually challenged vagabond...she offered up her couch in the basement fer a few comfortable weeks though as grateful as i was fer the accomodations...it was a bit soft on the lumbar support that my spine needed
i didn't wanna overstay my welcome so i was off to find my next desirable
destination after roughly a month...however...my self diagnosed ADD would kick me in the keester and i found myself crash'n at my grama VIOLA's fer roughly a week which felt great to be with her at the time...unfortunately the couch was a bit hard on my back nite after nite til i somehow either got invited or more than likely invited myself to some college soiree
and what a party it was kittens...by morn'n of said party i woke up and i
swore i felt like an inebriated princess Leia who spent the nite inside the trash compactor of the Death Star...the floor was buried in cigarette butts and half empty and crushed busch lite beer cans scattered everywhere and with no breath'n apparatus in my sight except fer some unrecognizable cornea that would pop up on occasion to play ping pong with his jinglebells...
so i decided to go full on Joan to whoever's palace i had crashed at fer the next 3 hours and by the time i was finished...i had left a note with my current contact info fer the occupants of said party palace then left without incident
some hours later...back at my grama's...i received a phone call from some
fierce feline that wanted me to stop back over at their party pad to meet in person so i hopped on my huffy and tore thru town like a the wicked witch of the west end on a quest
turns out the house was run by 3 sassy lassy's in college who wanted to
know my back story and after a brief but poignant presentation that included my obvious OCD clean'n regimen though they were not not wealthy women by any stretch of the imagination...they collectively decided to offer me free of charge a closet off the kitchen that could fit a roll-away bed that they had fer the remainder of their school year as long as i cleaned their palace on the daily to which they would also include what lil table scraps they had to share with me which mainly came outta a hermetically sealed bag or a box...
though i do recall there were those occasions i felt like the dandiest drifter in the world on those special special nites when we had our dinner boiled...but hey...at least the bed finally felt just right!
one of my fav-o-rit pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n
illusionist of my own universe memories from that period in time was when we would all gather together in the media wing of our humble lil abode to watch our nitely program like it was some sorta feel good heroin starr'n our fav-o-rit heroine especially this one particular even'n when we were all transfixed on some infomercial outta the blue that had us hooked!
it ended up bein a mini info ad fer the church of the latter day saints satanists and they were desperately hawk'n their voodoo books to whomever wanted one fer free...so like a junkie to heroin...we dialed the 800 number outta sheer boredom only cuz we wanted to meet some new people without have'n to leave the house and after a brief conversation with an operator...we were promised a visit from 2 elders later on in the week...so i of course had to tidy up our humble lil dwellings fer our guests pronto and find myself thee perfectly proper presentational frock to wear
luckily enough...i hadda friend in the theater department at our local
university who was able to snag me a much more presentable attire fer our income'n guests and MAGENTA from the ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW seemed to be the perfect reflection since i was their live in maid after all...plus all i had on me at the time was what i had gathered together in a garbage bag when i was unceremoniously rejected from what used to be my place of residence months earlier
2 days later as i prepared myself fer our 2 tin foiled CASPER crusaders
my 3 care bears and i were in a bit of a quandary as we wanted to be thee most hospitable yet inquisitable hosts to their ritualistically warped voodoo views so of course we did what anyone would do in this situation and decided the menu would consist of freshly chilled strawberry kool-aid served with double stuffed oreos that i would generously serve as the HAZEL of the house
with only seconds to spare...we noticed the back ends of 2 schwinn's park'n along the side of the house and suddenly...a knock at the door!
after sage'n the fuck outta all the negative chi in the air along with the
burnt gazpacho we made the nite prior (i know...don't ask!) we invited in our deliriously starved saucy look'n monkey spankers and sat them at the kitchen table...my 3 roomies played em like a feckless fiddle one question at a time and gave them ample time to respond to which they both passed with fly'n colors til one of the baronesses opened up the hiroshima line of question'n by ask'n them (politely i might add) what was the churches stance on man on man fornication?
well...you'da swore it was as if they had just been zapped by some sorta
powerful perplex'n mind boggle'n fucked zombie ray (cuz remember it was the late 80’s after all) well...as they both glared at each other then down at their notes they had conveniently hid in their culottes then back up at us...without skipp'n a beat like 2 synchronized swimmers in a fire...they both simultaneously blurted out "we'll have to get back to you on that!" and they left without incident
suffice it to say...those callous concubines NEVER did get back to us in a
timely manner but i will always be ever so grateful fer my time with those 3 care bears...now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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