one way to Barbados fer a much deserved vaca fer the next 6 months after over hear'n about all the bullshit shenanigans at the latest COP26 summit in Glasgow with those paid to play pricks of the planet...pack'n her bags full of all the essentials one would need...like 1000 proof sunscreen to keep her creamy milky white flesh as fresh as a daisy...a cosmo in a big gulp...a colostomy bag fer the big gulp so she won't have to mill about the plane while in motion...her solar powered vibrate'n rabbit (hey even though she's just as old as dirt...she's well aware of all the global fuckery we've done to her work of art and doin her part to try and reverse what she can...plus she's got urge's too)
and the latest greatest memoir from the MISTRESS OF THE DARK fer her flight (A MUST READ) leave'n us with a slight chill in the air turn'n every day ordinary unemployed assholes at my local library that i've utilized on a weekly basis fer years now...
look'n fer an easy payday from Judge Judy...lemme explain
so there i was last week triple check'n my hard hitt'n journalistic endeavors
make'n sure that all my mispell's were spelled incorrectly (of which they were thankfully) and i noticed the douche rag sitt'n directly opposite of me at the computer not wear'n his mask correctly as stated at the front door when you enter the library and then again on the GIGANTIC sign once inside (you know...just in case you were too distracted from swipe'n left or right on TINDER or GRINDR...depend'n howeva ya butter yer breadstick)
instead...wear'n his mask it as if it were some unattainable hope diamond molested in $20,000 worth of Harry Winston's white diamonds around his worn out weathered neck
the library of course has always had a security guard on the off chance
that some book worms decide to turn things into some sorta twisted world wrestle'n smack down
over the last copy of SUZANNE SOMERS heartbreak'n book of poetic genius!
BUTT wait...there's more...
so as i try not to turn this situation into some "KAREN" moment cuz i was
not camera ready this particular afternoon...i noticed the security guard step forward and lightly tap the douche rag on the shoulder once to no avail...i'm sorry...that's not accurate and very insensitive of me...i meant that mentally deranged cock suck'n mutha fuck’n pig slutt'n anal wart...so i decided to mute my music and once again said security man politely gestured to him to pull the mask up over his entire mouth and nose...clearly a very simple universal command and not to be confused with a sadistic request...it was library law after all!
well you'da thought the gates of all hell fire rammed a hot poker up his
dilapidated jaxie cuz once the offend'n perpetrate'n prick locked his eyes onto mr. security man...he went off like a psychotic snake leap'n outta his assigned seat engorge'n his neck and vommit'n expletives that would turn a tap dance'n tourette'ser into a puddle of tears...spew'n a barrage of demands like he'd have the security guards badge...that he'd be removed from his position by days end and sanctioned his boss's personal number from the staff cuz he was plann'n on a huge pay out
once he'd have his spotlight dance with Judge Judy in the very near future apparently from the sound of it all!
well...i had had my share of "KAREN" encounters fer the year at this point
so i decided to turn the volume back up on the pleasant sounds of one Burt Bacharach that i was listen'n to as the smack down began (why not!) and rattled of an anonymous letter of support fer the berated officer lett'n the staff know the exact 411 then slipped it into the outside book return...
as not to be the cause of some twisted Fabulous Moolah/Wendy Richter meaningless moment with this obnoxious asswipe
2 days later as i returned to the scene of the inflammatory incident...i'm
happy to report mr. security guard was still patrol'n the place and i had received a personal heartfelt thankyou from mr. librarian seconds after i sat down at my assigned computer who figered out that i indeed was the one that had sent the letter of support thru the outside book return
the only other time i've ever written a letter of support was to the daddy of
daytime dirt removal tv who promoted the fuck outta OXY CLEAN back in the 90's to let him know how pleased i was with their stain removal product...it went somethin' like this...
Dear Billy Mays...i'm contact'n you about my recent use of yer product...
see what had happened was...my roomie at the time worked my last nerve constantly use'n my ELECTRIC YOUTH PERFUME by teenage sweet tart DEBBIE GIBSON when meet'n up with his "massage" clients without my consent and i had an impromptu date with someone one even'n who had answered my message in the back section of the "chance encounters" inside the free local paper that was like my bible at the time and on this particular even'n there was not a spritz to spray me with so after a few heated altercational words with said roomie...i ended up with his blood on my blouse
well i had just happened to notice that my roomie had one scoop left of
yer product left in the bucket of OXY CLEAN that was sitt'n next to his boombox on the shelf in his bedroom and i was on a deadline so i decided to give it a go since you've always mesmerized me durin' all those infomercials on my lunch breaks from clean'n out the booths at the video store i worked at at the time and to my amazement...the stain came out
in fact the removal was soo good that when the detectives asked to test
my blouse at the labs i was told emphatically that his DNA was no where to be seen on my shirt and luckily my roommate's "client" who just happened to be a lawyer i also met on a "chance encounter" said i was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my roomie...well you can imagine how relieved i was to hear this good news so in close'n i will be rave'n about yer product to all my hormonally charged friends
well...i gotta go now...i have'ta telephone the makers of GLAD 3-ply garbage bags fer an absofuckinlutely bang up job they did on the durability of their product
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
No comments:
Post a Comment