get off my dress: GHOSTLY APPARITIONS

have you ever believed that there's somethin' beyond the graveyard?

Winona Ryder found out all about the existence of the afterlife that helped her deal with her own miserable mortality in "BEETLEJUICE"

it made Demi believe there really was life after death...thanx to Whoopi use'n her body as some sorta sexual vortex fer her in "GHOST"

recently dearly departed lead singer PETE BURNS of the band DEAD OR ALIVE...sung all about "just a ghost with a long long dead affair" with their ghostly 1986 smash hit "SOMETHING IN MY HOUSE"

of course not everything about the afterlife is a bed of roses as ROBIN WILLIAMS found out with his utterly severe allergy attack in "WHAT DREAMS MAY COME"

though i grew up forced into attend'n those apocalyptic voodoo classes

with the other CASPER crusaders...i was never one to believe in anything they had to say past the age of 13...h-o-w-e-v-e-r...

i've had my run-ins with ouija boards...

and dabbled in the occasional séance over the years...

in spite of that...did i ever mention about the other dimension that i've had contact with?

the first time was with my Grama Viola...i'd just gotten off bein' a highly

paid drug bunny (hey...get yer mind outta the gutter ya dirty lil kitten...i know what you were think'n) fer the government...when i got a call one early morn'n in '93 from my cuz Heather tell'n me that she had passed away in her sleep at 87...i was inconsolable at the time since i had just spoke with her the nite before lett'n her know that i planned on move'n back home and in with her to help her out around the house...once my study was completed...she was like a rock of security i had never really had before from anyone after i lost my dad from years earlier...she took me fer who i was without pass'n any sorta judgment...even sew'n my very first Elvira dress fer halloween in '85...but about a couple weeks later after her pass'n..

i remember sitt'n on her couch at her house on 3rd street with her only daughter (my aunt Ellen) while she was kick'n back her motorized cream colored lift chair and leaned over to us smile'n and said everything was ok and from then on all of a sudden she had disappeared and i woke right up in bed as if i'd seen a ghost...nonetheless everything from that moment on seemed ok to me know'n that she told me she was ok

almost 20 years later (and the only real love of my life Mike) thus far who

i had nicknamed HEMAN fer obvious reasons and would spend 4 1/2 thunderous roller coaster years together...decided to call me one day 2 years after i had ended the relationship (though i decided to hold on to some "sorted friendship") on my lunch break...break'n down (which he never had done durin' our whole time together) tell'n me that he found out he had some sorta cancer and that the doctors couldn't figer out what it was and he was gonna start chemo...all i had thought then was WAIT! they don't just dole out chemo like it's candy...they have to know what kind of chemo to give you in the first place...however my only response at the time was stunned...

well cuz i only had 20 minutes left on my lunch break and i was a starve'n marvin...nonetheless...i assured him people with cancer live years with the treatments they had available (he was 18 years older than me at the time (i was 42...you do the math smarty pants) anywho'zll'ding...

we kept in contact fer the next 6 month religiously every week fer about an hour talk'n about anything and everything under the sun...he was always good at return'n my calls within minutes if he happened to be preoccupied at the time when i called...though one day i would not here from him all day...so by the next day i would call and leave another message with no response...i kept this up fer 4 weeks wonder'n why all of a sudden did he stop return'n my calls...the only thing that went thru my mind was that he either fergot to pay his cell bill and it got cut off or he changed his number and fergot to save my number in his new cell

then one nite...i found myself all dressed in black...walk'n down a long

peer to a white beach with the flame'n sun beat'n down on me as i tried to hide my delicate milky white skin under my black laced parasol (what...you don't have one? huh...too bad fer you then!) so all of a sudden i see someone walk'n along the wave lines on the sea and as they got closer it was my Mike...with a smile on his face...he stretched out his arm to me and simply said "hey Matty why don't you come with me for a walk" i replied with my token answer i'd always give'n him whenever he wanted me to do stuff outside under the sun with him "Mike...you know i hate the sun on my skin" his reply to me was "i know Matty...well i gotta go" and i said goodbye while Mike kept on walk'n along the beach...i had turned around and headed up the peer and as i turned around to get one last look to say goodbye...he was gone with the wind and i woke up all of a sudden and completely content that we got to say good bye!

by the time i had made my way to work that morn'n...somethin' told me

to log his name into google and to my complete and utter surprise...HEMAN had died exactly 1 month prior to the day i had the dream...i do believe that was his way of tell'n me to stop call'n cuz he was no longer pick'n up his cell

my godmother and the closest relation that i had any real connection with

since my Grama Viola...was my aunt Ellen...who always went way above and beyond fer me fer many many years ever since i was young...by give'n me my 1st sip of beer as a small child and realize'n my palette was made fer a much more refined distillery...take'n me to my 1st trip that i can ever remember outside of my state to South Dakota with her offspring's when i was 11...and lett'n me pick where i wanted to go...just like i was one of her very own kids (i chose Flintstones Park...why not!) and many times i would save up my paper route money or collect'n recyclable cans thru-out my teenage angst years to buy a bus ticket outta dodge to one of her many places she was live'n in at the time and stay with her fer the week

once i had made my way to the Minne-Apple in 1990...we would become

even closer and go on many walks over the years...from the Mall of Hysteria on the weekends in the winter times with pit stops at our fav-o-rit therapy session...Fat Tuesdays...to replenish our fluids...to many walks around the many parks thru-out the metro area

halloween was always my fav-o-rit time of the year...Ellen even offered to make her tasty potato soup fer my murder mystery party one year...we would spend a good chunk of halloween nites together in my 30's dress'n up and go bar hopp'n in Burnsville before i would hit downtown Minneapolis with my friends...that is until one halloween...when she went out as Hillary Clinton in a cape in 2008 (i'm assume'n the look was a blood suck'n politician she was goin for...not anything against Hillary as she was very much for her) and i was lil red ride'n hooker...however...a lil trip to the boys room to powder my nose and retuck my stuck tuck was a bit of an awkward moment fer the 4 urinal warts unleash'n their belches and bladders and one say'n with a shit grin form'n on his face and lick'n his lips "ma'am yer in the wrong room" to which i replied in my best frog clogged voice "don't worry...you ain't my type" of course his only logical retort was" yer a fuck'n dude?" ummm yea...it was time to go!

Ellen was always one of my most supportive fans come'n to many many of my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe performances over my 23 years in the biz at the time...

even make'n it to my last performance 8 years ago when i hosted the official (and highly successful i might add) REBEL HEART party at some shit hole bar in downtown Minnehopeless

we had spent many a holidaze together in one form or another thru-out the years...the last holiday we spent together was at her son's place in Eagan, MN...a friend had tagged along with to help doll her up fer the easter festivities...they hit it off like they'd known each other fer years...goin on like 2 chatty Kathy's

she told me once as a small child if she took care of me at the time...that i would have to take care of her when she needed it later on in life...she would remind me of this from time to time over the years...and i did my best to keep that promise by help'n her out at her board and lodge business she was part owner of...to paint'n and clean'n her condo over the years in Burnsville...that even was featured in a small arty film i wrote fer one of the shows i was part of

one day...8 years back...i was asked to move in and help take care of her

which the only issue i had was the distance to my work so i mentioned to help sell the condo and find somethin' closer to my work so i wouldn't have to do the long weekly commute (of which i was never a fan of cuz if it took me more than 15 minutes to get to work...i didn't wanna work there) so i set the ball in motion with a mutual friend to help hunt fer new digs that we both could dig

flash forward to 2 years later and i was blind sided as i'm sure she was

one day to hear from her that she was now goin to be put in "a home" that she had zero desire to ever be part of...even more so...once she was moved in their (though she was closer to me) i felt helpless after the talks we would have on the many nites i would stop over after work and go fer a walk around the block...she would only be in the home fer one month when i received a call late one nite that my aunt had passed away under unfortunate circumstances (that she confided in me 4 days prior if one of her offspring's showed up) to say i was complete devastated is a complete understatement...there were no words to describe what was goin thru me that late even'n...i was a complete mute…

ok...so i thought of one word (sue me) i never seen her pass'n as profit like others in the fam had (their intimidational tactics that was eventually thrown my way was a waste of time and pathetic)

2 weeks would go by and i would be lay'n in bed and would see a bright

blurry light make'n it's way thru a succession of fast paced black shadows...as the light made it's way thru the shadows...it became more luminescent and all of a sudden i could see it was my aunt Ellen...in a white puffy jacket wear'n her fav-o-rit green hat...walk'n up to the edge of my bed...wave'n with her irish grin on her face and said to me "H-E-L-L-O...how are you?" i remember say'n to her "i had this weird dream that everyone was tell'n me you were dead" then i realized she was really gone and i was wake'n up from a dream inside of a dream...