that bothers me!

like when you think yer goin to a feel good movie to lift up

yer spirits after gett'n a desperate call from yer bestie lett'n you know she's discovered a lump....think'n it's about 2 besties that head out on a road trip to the boss's cabin...to get away from all the hustle and bustle of their mundane life fer the weekend from the trailers...

only to find out...yer turned into a puddle by credits end as you frantically call yer shrink fer an emergency session and the number to the suicide hotline...only to be put on hold!

or when you decide to take a refresh'n dip in the deep end of the lake

to escape the insanity...with yer sanity...from another ruined family reunion once again...by yer sweet tooth cuz of yer cuz Mertyl's meringue pie made entirely outta mayonnaise and mustard...and yer uncle's nibbley's parts on display next to the bowl of assorted nuts...

only wish'n you hadn't ignored the DO NOT SWIM sign at the end of the pier!

or when some ignorant bicyclist thinks that they're save'n the entire planet

from carbon emissions...by completely taken over the road instead of kindly move'n to the side when you gotta school bus of scream'n assholes and yer seconds away from gett'n stuck in rush hour traffic blocks from home after a hard day at work...

and realize'n you ended up goin commando that day cuz you were too lazy to do laundry over the weekend...and yer coffee has finally decided to kick in!

one thing that could NEVER bother me though...is today's sassy and very brassy self described..."effeminate and damaged boy from the Bronx"

the one and only MISS COCO PERU...well...except the planned interview i worked on fer months fell thru...due to our busy "scedules"...even after i withdrew $100 from my whore fund fer 4th row center...meet & greet tix fer me & my dear friend Peetrinella fer an early xmas surprise...and then completely have'n an unexcused incontinence moment...by actually fergett'n to go to the damn show a couple weeks back...

BUTT...at the very least

glad fer Coco's hysterical & triumphant return to the set of Will & Grace this past week...

and that there's FINALLY gonna be a sequel...20 years later...to one of my all time fav-o-rit  romatic indy hits from the 90's...here's hope'n Coco's part is much bigger

but now that just means some lonely whore is gonna have to press their luck and hope that their next "WTF was i think'n?" moment...is STD free fer a change

move'n on...

now...imagine fer a moment if you will...yer try'na have a civilized grown-up convo with some instagrammer about the current state of the country 

and they happen to turn the convo around to the current election...and let it slip that they already cast had their vote early...yer think'n...YAY....there is hope fer the future!

UNTIL...that is...that they let is spill they cast their vote fer a write in candidate...and that dam dreaded WHAMMIE hits you like a ton of typical millennial brain dead bricks

cuz they decided to write in Obi-Wan Kenobi...cuz you know..."he is our only hope!"

unfortunately...it didn't work out so well fer him in the end...did it?

now...as much as i want to agree its yer right...to write in who you want

I JUST CAN'T THIS TIME AROUND!...too much is at stake!!!

i hadda rush myself to the nearest powder room and suck on a urinal mint...

before i would end up goin batshit on this one...and end up have'n to go to sensitivity train'n ..after have'n a coupe cocktails with the HR department...of course

just cuz i helped them get a better view of the payment...from the 30th floor!

don't just take my word fer it...let the ever present politically hysterical 

BILL MAHER seriously break it down fer you 18-29 year olds

this blog was pre written before the election results...and there's only 2 

 doors that'll possibly open fer the entire country after late tues nite...

you have to decide if you wanna enter to the other end of the rainbow...

or if you wanna enter the gates of of hell and get yer heart...and everything else...ripped out from under you!

decide...you will...there is no retake...

but decide well!

now get off my dress!

just do it!

as we step knee deep into the season of stampede's and sore knees

simply know as 2 more fuck'n months of buy'n into a bunch of bullshit market'n must-have's that you always end up regrett'n you wasted yer hard earned benjamins on in the 1st place...just to make a bunch of greedy assholes return it the second you've turned yer back...

all cuz yer still try'na pass of that damn monstrosity of gelatinous breaded hell that's been passed down from generation to generation at every holiglazed meals with yer loved ones...that no sane person has ever bitten into since the 1960's

now...it seems insane that most of us can spend hours on end...

try'n pick out the perfect slutenstein outfit fer hweenie weekend just so you can be the 1st one in line at the free clinic to get a shot of penicillin in yer A double snakes...just cuz of a few regrettable "mistakes" after one too many roofied shots...

or we can stand in some long ass line til the wee hours in the morn'n...just to save 10 benjamins on some electronical device you'll be bored with 10 minutes later

BUTT...

you can't muster up enough energy to drag yer lazy unmotivated dilapidated A double snakes to the vote'n booth...

especially with ALL that has happened since our unfortunately dementedly deranged and absolutely delusional piece of orange pig shit has spewed out since 2016...incite'n utter chaos and give'n rise to such vile brain dead lobotomized aryan deplorable's who've decide to take the law into their own hands

start'n with Heather Heyer in Charlottesville

then most recently Maurice Stallard and Vickie Jones in Louisville

and 11 more in Pittsburgh this past weekend...then their blood is on yer hands...hypathetically speak'n!

not the mention this mentally deranged pipe bomb'n piece of shit...desperately yearn'n to be a lifetime movie of the week

at this point...it's pointless to try and convince ANY brain dead... 

lobotomized deplorable or ANYONE who tries to defend our unfortunately dementedly deranged and absolutely delusional piece of orange pig shit's actions in ANY sort of way...

cuz they're all marinated in the kool-aid fer far too long

no...my plea goes out to all those between 18-34 that are try'na decide...

whether or not to stay home next NOV 6th...cuz you stayed out too late the nite before...doin blow jobs's fer a BLT and a bloody mary's...or in case you've happened to have spawned a couple of puke buckets...just make sure to sit them down...whether they be yer daughters...sons...nephews or nieces...and let'em know it's perfectly OK to let guys just grab 'em by the pussy whenever they feel the urge...

and there is no whine'n when gynecologically challenged pillsbury dough toads tell you what yer gonna do with yer bodies

it's perfectly OK to shoot or be shot at by whomever...as long they're not yer part of yer own pure breed...no teeth necessary...aryan race

that all their speedy gonzales friends belong on the other side of the fence...

and that Ahmad Rashad and those with his skin tone outta quit complain'n and stick to train'n!

though if you happen to have a pulse left in yer body fer humankind...

help the rest of us sane compassionate democracy riddled heathens drown that mother fucker's bullshit policies all the way down board next tuesday...PERIOD!

now get off my dress..and VOTE!

skipp'n in the graveyard

with only a lil over a week from the wickedest nite of the year...

where all H-E-double hockey stix breaks loose

ummm...let me clarify...i'm not talk'n about the midterm elections

but since we're on the subject...finish choke'n down those caramel nuggity treats by nov 6th...and VOTE like you've neva voted before...human decency depends on it!

in the mean time kittens...since the crypt keeper had a play date with

the original top 20 countdown'n crooker a few years back...i hadda pull out the ouija board and try and make a connection...but no such luck...so i've decided to take over the reigns as the unintentionally internationally unknown top 20 countdown hostess of my own universe...

to keep yer toes a tapp'n while dance'n with the devil in yer best whore-ish look this hallowed eve...let's begin...shall we?

come'n in at # 20...MICHAEL JACKSON

"THRILLER"

no halloween season would be complete without this zombie classic from 1982

#19...ROCKWELL

"SOMEBODY'S WATCHING ME"

with a lil back-up help from the famous gloved one from above...this 80's jheri curl gave paranoid schizophrenics everywhere a voice

#18...NORMA TANEGA

"YOU'RE DEAD"

this hippie chickie beatnicke tells the dead to get yer affairs in order before ya start kick'n up daiseys

#17...MARILYN MANSON

"THIS IS HALLOWEEN"

originally sung by Danny Elfmann fer the Tim Burton classic "Nightmare Before Christmas"...turned out to be a satanic masterpiece fer the devil's prodigy child

#16...CHER

"HELL ON WHEELS"

before she was "dressed to kill" on her sold out tour...this raven beauty turned back time in her roller skates...ummm...that's like an ancient physical artform to the instant oatmeal generation

#15...RACHEL SWEET

"VOODOO"

best known fer sing'n the open'n theme on John Waters classic "HAIRSPRAY"...this lil kitten opened fer Bill Cosby in Vegas before she was a teenager

#14...ANNIE LENNOX

"LOVE SONG FOR A VAMPIRE"

this mousketeer's masterpiece was the theme song to Bram Stroker's DRACULA...cuz blood suckers need love to ya know

#13...MADONNA

"DEVIL WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU"

the QUEEN known fer her pop infused ballads...conjured up love fer even Lucifer's fallen angel with this haunt'n ballad

and now...a long distance dedication to a lil girl from Michigan

who sold her soul...among a few other unmentionables...just to have a career...her letter reads..."now i lay me down to sleep...i pray the lord my soul to keep...fer if i die before i wake...i pray the lord i still have hitz to make"...well lil girl...here's yer long distance dedication from this drop dead Barbie doll KIM PETRAS

 

feature'n the MISTRESS OF THE DARK ELVIRA with "TELL ME IT'S A NIGHTMARE" who i had the pleasure of a private one on one with back in the 90's in her trailer...don't believe me...ask my dear friend Peetrinella...cuz they all hadda wait outside in the freeze'n cold that nite...and now...back to the countdown

come'n in at #12....FRANK N FURTER

"SWEET TRANSVESTITE"

this lil saucy number got caught up in the spider's web since the 70's and has been entertain'n the masses ever since with it's interactive applications

#11...RAMONES

"PET SEMATARY"

theme song to the Stephen King classic bare'n the same name...these guys were responsible fer the 3 chord thrash and punk sound...this was one of their biggest hits and a constant staple in their live shows

#10...NAHPI (N AMERICAN HALLOWEEN PREVENTION INITIATIVE)

"DO THEY KNOW IT"S HALLOWEEN"

the only charity song to hit my countdown...this fairly unknown tribute benefited UNICEF in 2005...with it's patronize'n attitude towards other charity singles like "DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS"...it's considered a complete classic to the undead...gathered together by a cast of spooktacular talents like ELVIRA...BECK...PEACHES...among many others

#9...LORI CHACKO

"ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY"

 Lita Ford and Dale Bazio's love child was part of the best camp horror movie ever "ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK"...she'll drive a stake right thru yer earlobes

#8...NATCHA ATLAS

"I PUT A SPELL ON YOU"

this middle eastern twist on a classic will surely lobotomize yer mind

#7...KATE NASH

"SKELETON SONG"

easily mistaken as british singer LILY ALLEN...well...cuz that's who i thought it was til i researched the song...this lil number will surely rattle yer bones

#6...FRANK SINATRA

"WITCHCRAFT"

ol' blue eyes made it with the best of em back in his hay days by putt'n em under his spell with this smooth spellbind'n number

#5... DUSTY SPRINGFIELD

"SPOOKY"

a ghoulish lil ditty that'll surely put you in a devilish mood

#4...EARTHA KITT

"RATHER BE BURNED AS A WITCH"

a multi talented performer...best known as the villainous vixen Catwoman in the original Batman series in the late 60's...she purred like no other on earth

#3...LONE JUSTICE

"WAYS TO BE WICKED"

before song bird MARIA MCKEE broke out on her own...she fronted fer the band...who i had the pleasure to throw back goldschlagger shots on the back of her tour bus with my good friend Lisa when Maria played at First Avenue in the Minne-Apple in '96

#2...BOY GEORGE

"SATAN'S BUTTERFLY BALL"

though this chameleon was known fer a string of hits thru-out the 80's...he proved he could rock it out like the rest of em on the release of his brilliant hard edged masterpiece with a message "cheapness and beauty"

and my #1 all time fav-o-rit haunted hit...DEAD OR ALIVE

"SOMETHING IN MY HOUSE" 

the quintessential anthem fer anything that goes bump in the nite...lead singer PETE BURNS will make you howl at the moon with his infectious voice while skipp'n thru the graveyard at midnite

well...there ya have it kittens...this years top 20 ghoulish hitz from beyond

the graveyard...thanx fer tune'n in...well...time fer me to get to hot glue'n and rehearse'n fer my ghoulish return as thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist and hostess with the moistest mouth fer my return to the stage this sat oct 27th in WINONA MN at ED's NO NAME BAR...feel free to hop a plane if yer inclined to do so if you wanna come to the best hallowed eve's event around town...oh...and don't ferget to bring yer holla's and yer dolla's

now get off my dress!