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with the new school year FINALLY in full swing...it's that time once again 

fer a fresh batch of unwarped lil kittens across the planet to start prioritize'n their life goals ASAP and gett'n their trapper keeper in order...since they no longer give 2 shits about learn'n the basic fundamentals of life like their ABC's or STD's...cuz they're too damn busy become'n zombified from yet another "unwrapp'n" video of some shitty toy that they can't afford

 or watch'n yet another tiresome Rutard loser doin another "10 minute" make-up tutorial...that took 13 hours to film & edit down cuz they were try'na get their "ICONIC" look down with a button coke runway down the center of their nose...instead of in it fer a change

they will never get to experience the joy of swapp'n sweaters and shoe 

lace'n like us much more older..."Murder She Wrote"/metamucil crowd got to experience on a weekly basis...since the sweater king and his merry band of sexually depraved puppets...Mr Rogers...left the neighborhood in 2003...well...unless they accidentally youtube it by mistake...though there are those children from around the world that have mourned his loss 

of knowledge readily read to them...as they try their damnedest to escape a life of celibacy

and cope'n with life's struggle's...just like dear ol' mom & dad have ever since they were born

luckily fer all my kinder-kittens out there that have been tune'n in each 

week to read my whimsical words of bastardized but highly educational wisdom fer the past 9+ years...today is NOOOO exception...so kick back Jacks' and don't be a pill Jills'...cuz i've found you a few educational gems that you probably won't find at yer local library anytime soon to help get you thru those tough and tawdry adolescent years

1st up is this perfect lil sleeper fer that new lil peeper in yer life that's been 

try'na steal away yer spotlight by milk'n all those oooh's and awww's that you so rightfully earned and desperately deserved on yer very own fer the past 5 years...by batt'n their damn butterfly lashes every time granny Aiken's comes over to visit....dress'n them in the finest threads from Gucci and Prada...when all you got at that age was some hand-me-down potato sack splattered in glitter from yer aunt Gerald

next up is the story of how pretty pink might be...unless it's in yer eye!

i learned this lesson way too late in life...picture it...the year was 1996...i had just made my final payment on my uncle's car...and had been chatt'n to this "gentleman caller" fer the past 3 months on the phone line who lived on the north side of town...who wanted me to go down on his south side and make it go north (among other indiscretions) but wasn't gonna pick me up...well...on this one particular midsummer's nite eves...after bathing in Calgons cool cucumber bouquet...i decided to throw caution to the wind...

ironed my culottes and threw on my fav-o-rit floor length laura ashley floral blouse with a modest lace sweat soaker in place... and flew thru the streets of the Minne-Apple... 

like an animalistic wench look'n to get wickedly wrecked...properly of course!

by the time i had arrived...(roughly 30 minutes past the witch'n hour)...

he greeted me at the door like a proper whore and invited me in....now i have an imagination trust me...but he was not AT ALL what i was expect'n...since most i've met on line back in the day's always inverted their numbers and ALWAYS add more inches without back'n it up with proof...he was thee BRAWNY MAN...x10...kittens...i nearly died!...cuz as i peeled off his nearly painted on jeans...i was knocked in the face by...

45 minutes later...after all the huff'n and puff'n and pose'n like an egyptian hieroglyphic (don't ask)...i was ready fer the fantasy to end...but i was not ready fer what i was about to witness fer the 1st time...cuz as he let out his final grunt...it was as if the hoover dam had just burst wide open

and trust me...there was no time to escape!

i literally was an eye without a face...luckily fer me though...antibiotic drops were invented at this particular moment in time

i may have came there as some sorta twistedly innocent on-licker...

but i left a full grown root'n toot'n gun slinger (insert evil wink here)

now where was i?...oh yea...this book frightened the literal fuck outta me...

trust me...DON'T!

this next book is a no brainer strainer fer all you bad boys out there...

that don't wanna make a mess on yer nana's sunday dress....when yer visit'n the ol' preparation H parade again fer the 5th time this a week...cuz mommy's gotta go to another emergency "PTA meet'n" with the head coach and superintendent...at 10 pm...after catch'n daddy one too many times...

take'n the "babysitter" with him on his lunch break

and finally...last up in "a lil kwiet time with KRYSTAL KLEER" book klub...

self exploration is completely natural at any age...whether yer a tired toddler or a tween with yer tingly parts in hyper drive...it's yer body...so you might as well find all the hidden treasures and pleasures on yer very own...before they become utterly destroyed by relationships that will ignore you and yer left on the kitchen floor of yer broken down trailer....categorize'n yer STD's...thanx to all those long and very expensive lonely nites!

there ya have it...hope that helped ya out some...now go spread my words

like a like gorgeous case of gonorrhea... 

and GET OFF MY DRESS! 

SHENANARAMAGANS

i'm still recover'n from a weekend with the one and only PEETRINELLA

and also wanna give a shout out to all that were kind enough to attend (there were too many too list...but that doesn’t diminish that fact that you were still there) and made my 28th anniversary to my 21st birfday weekend more memorable than one could ever ask for (and trust me...gimme a minute...cuz i could'a asked fer more)...like...even if there was a complete no show from my fav-o-rit 80's KNOTS LANDING vixen...(as i selflessly requested)

and the reason why you should NEVER EVA down a bottle of valium and voli then proceed to bitch slap yer make-up genius/hairstylist right before you need to be at some red carpet event to help resurrect yer non existent career...unless of course yer up fer the lead role as the washed up meth riddled feather duster...in that case...my bad...h-e-l-l-o Oscar!

PEETRINELLA went overboard as usual...cuz she knows xmas is come'n 

and i absolutely luv luv LUV it all as usual (she ALWAYS knows exactly what to get me...it's like we got some sorta psychic connection happen'n or somethin'...i swear) now all i need is my powder blue trailer to match my powder blue eyes (that i’ll also need pronto) to match my new powder blue kitchen accessories (& trust me...i'm hunt'n fer one)

and then the rest of the gang rushed me to the latest and last installment...(i hope)...all i'm gonna say a bout it is...bring a pillow!

BUTT...any way you look at it

like i really need to explain my stance on the current mentally deranged lie'n sack of angry coke riddled orange pig shit disgrace'n the planet...

at this point in the game...especially to some finger point'n facebook'n ferret who recently tried to connect the dots to their brain dead analysis and convince ME (yes ME) as to why mr. mentally deranged lie'n sack of angry coke riddled orange pig shit disgrace'n the planet...is doin some actual good!

i thought...oh kitten...P-U-H-L-E-E-Z!

so i thought instead of burn'n ANY more brain cells with this repuglicunt

i'd just forward her a more cognitive rebuttal that she could hopefully comprehend it's mean'n...cuz i was headed out to give a much needed colonic to some BOZO

the follow'n is from someone unknown TO ME...but he should be known:

when you saw a man who owned a fraudulent university, intent on scamming poor people...you thought "FINE"

when you saw a man who had made it his business practice to stiff his creditors...you said "OK"

when he made up stories about seeing Muslim-Americans in the thousands cheering the destruction of the world trade center...you said "not an issue"

when you heard him brag that he could shoot a man on fifth avenue and not loose any voters...you said "he sure knows me"

when you heard him illustrate his own character by telling that cute story about the elderly guest bleeding on the floor at his country club and how he turned his back because it was an imposition to him...you said "that's cool"

when you saw him mock the disabled reporter, you thought it was the funniest thing...you'd ever seen

when the central park 5 were compensated as innocent men convicted of a crime they didn't commit, and he angrily said that they should still be in prison...you said "that makes sense"

when you heard him tell his supporters to beat up protesters and that he would pay the fine...you thought "YES"

when the parade of neo-nazi's marched thru Charlottesville..killing Heather D Heyer then stating there were fine people on both sides without condemning the outright neo nazi's...you said "thumps up"

when you heard him unable to talk to foreign dignitaries without insulting their countries and demanding they praise his electoral win..you said "that's the way i want my president to be"

when you watch him remove experts from all layers of government in favor of people who make money off of eliminating protections in the industries they're suppose to be regulating...you said "what a genius"

when you heard him continue to profit from his business, in part by leveraging his position as president, to the point of overcharging the secret service for space in the properties he owns...you said "that's smart"

when you heard him say that it was difficult to help Puerto Rico cuz it was in the middle of water...you said "that makes sense"

when you've seen him start fights with every country from Canada to New Zealand while praising Russia and "falling in love" with the dictator of North Korea...you said "that's statesmanship"

when he separated children from their families and put them in cages, managed to loose track of 1500 kids, has opened a tent city incarceration camp in the desert in Texas explaining that they're just "animals"..you said "well...OK then"  

when you don't get it (his still brain dead lobotomized supporters gimps of  2019 of course...i wrote that part) is that succumbing to frustration and thinking of you as stupid may be wrong and unhelpful, but it's also...hear me out...charitable!

NOW GET OFF MY DRESS!

happy happy joy joy!

don't you really hate when this happens to ME kittens...so there i was...

home from pump'n it up at the local uninhibited and uninhabitable steam room at the neighborhood church my gym...in the wee hours of the morn'n...all bright eyed and half in the barrel...iron'n out my personal mantra's...along with my unmentionables...peruse'n my daily horrorscope passage...gett'n ready fer my surgical "procedure" mentioned in last weeks highly informative episode

(catch up & touch me right here if ya missed out on the whole shenanigans from the start)

think'n this was gonna be a simple pimple easy breezy sunday stroll...

on an early mid monday morn'n...

perform'n my greatest car concert duet with the likes of one Toni Basil and her greatest hits...why not!

when i realized i now had approximately only 25 minutes to get to my 

 much needed desired destination on the other side clear across town...durin' rush hour...and every last minuscule minute counted...so i wasn't fuck'n around anymore!

pull'n up to the park'n lot...i was greeted with a parade of auto-mobility

 bingo winged patrons try'n park their huv-a-round after choke'n down a plethora of metamucil martini's while enjoy'n a Murder She Wrote marathon before take'n the curlers outta their unmanageable silver hays nest...with a hint of lavender...adorn'n the top of their noggin this particular morn'n...

well...let's just say...i could no longer give 2 shits about piss'n anyone off with my colorful sign language and WTF horn orchestra...much like what's left of my faint beat'n heart that's been recently removed

finally parked...i ended up have'n to do the sugar shuffle all the way thru 

the corridors...skipp'n very gingerly thru all the diabetic dudes and dudettes move'n at the speed of a dyslexic slug with turrets that were block'n a clear path to the check-in counter...cuz i only had a mere 3 minutes to check in

once i made my desired destination...the bubble headed happy herpe that 

greeted me behind the desk said i was not in their system...so i showed her the text that i was sent just less than 24 hrs earlier from their facility...and she says to me "oh my...i'm so sorry...but it says here you're at the wrong location...it's at the other one that's about a mile and a half from here"

S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y???...i did all i could do to find the key to unhinge my

 jaw and recite to her the recently unsanitized sassy & shady sonnet that i had spontaneously composed at the prefrontal cortex of my brain...only cuz the text they had sent me never stated which fuck'n hospital i was to be admitted into...i just went to the one that i had had the consultation with a month earlier...but i knew it would have to wait fer another time...cuz i was runn'n outta time!

by the time i had made my second and hopefully my final destination... 

(20 minutes later of course...with 13 of those minutes wasted deal'n with the polyestered penny pinchers in front of me just try'na leave the park'n lot in their pinto blow-about at the first location) i tried to calm myself down and had hoped to expect that this was gonna be like visit'n one of those massage parlors with a "happy end'n"

that you could find buried behind the Eva Gabor Wig Collection page of yer nana's crossword puzzle magazine...and that they would still fit me in with a bit of a scold'n and perhaps a small late charge...since i was thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...

BUTT of course...

my inclinations and unpopularly popular celeb status were of no concern to the acid-refluxed ferret sitt'n behind the desk...and i would have to be rescheduled fer 3 weeks down the road

oh well...it's MY BIRFDAY (weak)...so HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY TO ME

and yes...it's on the 6th...though i plan on celebrate'n it ALL week (cuz i can) if enquire'n readers wanna desperately know how long i've actually occupied this planet...it's #49...& just look'n to do #69...so don't try and rain on my parade...(i'm already drown'n)...just leave me yer digits if it's past 8...otherwise...

GET OFF MY DRESS!