battle of the bulge

i was recently accused...by some new kitten fucktard who apparently lives in Lackofhumorville...who was read'n my blog...inform'n me...my blog don't make no sense!

much like the recent heart operation done by a former presimental clown...

i mean...i assumed he had it removed years ago

listen kittens..i will only write this once...10 more times...

i write fer the lowest common denominator out there...if you can make Honey Boo Boo a phenomenon...

then my write'n is not all that far behind...if it's that HARD to understand...then GET OFF MY DRESS!

i'm not afraid to get my Barbara Wawa blouse dirty if need be...

i'll ask the tough ?'s to bring you the stories i believe that need to be told...

and i will cut the fame shit out that goes along with bein' the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...to get you the answers that i feel are the most important popular...by me

i'm all about educate'n the masses...who'll fall on their asses...from laughter...from time to time...digg'n deep...from time to time...fer all of...

those HARD to find situations

like fer instance...almost 69 years ago...come this january...

was the end of the sneak attack by Hitler who thought he could infiltrate the allies in an attack called the "Ardennes Offensive"...but commonly known to most historian freaks as "the battle of the bulge"

and almost 69 years later

we're fight'n a whole new battle of the bulge...

and i ain't talk'n about Oprah's or Kirstie Alley's...though i'll take em anyway i can get em 

(in a non sexual way of course)

no...i'm talk'n about somethin' waaay more perverse...

to put it right out there...i'm talk'n about DICK!

no...not this geriatric erectile malfucktion and the reason why abortion rights need to stay legal...

we ALL know he's named after one (allegedly)...he has one(allegedly)...

and still is one  (most definitely!)

no...i'm talk'n specifically about non vaginal pipeage!

everyone from boys...to men...monkeys to masterpieces

we just can't seem to get ENOUGH of the male persuasion

they come in ALL shapes and sizes :

from the after dinner mint

to lung removers

from the pretty 

to the perverse

some have made it their business

while others have said it's none of yer business

some have even dedicated a book to their nibbley parts

somehow though...HOLLYWOOD...unfortunately...is NOT in the business

of show'n us enough wood...unless you go to one of those back alley movie theaters...with a  roll of quarters 

though the paps have made it the latest OBSESSION...

from the debonair

to the disabled

and even the fabled

from the trim

to the tuff

we just can't get enough!

and luckily the few...the proud...show it out loud...

from tinsel town

to tv shows

the pricks are FINALLY gett'n the spotlight that they deserve...

instead of being shunned to look like a perv!

so give it up to the one eyed pirate....

that have to work so HARD...

with the battle of the bulge

don't be a dick

and get off my dress!

are you PUTIN me on?

are there any Rooski's in the room? (insert long chirpy silence here)

NO ONE?...FUCK IT...let's talk about em!

RUSSIA has exported many many wonderful things to be grateful for...

they have THEE most mouth water'n caviar in the world...

best served so chilled...it comes wrapped in it's own sweater

you gave Carrie her artistically inclined snuggle bunny in season 6 of...

SEX AND THE CITY

those undercover love'n dastardly duo spies...

Boris and Natasha

tennis terror and sports illustrated cover kitten...

Anna Kournikova

gigantor hunk-o-rama bad-ass box'n bruiser...Ivan Drago in ROCKY 4

ok...so maybe Dolph just played a Rooski...but either way...it's the thought that counts...MEEEEE-OUCH!

and of course no friday happy hour would be complete...

without Russia's own magically delicious...tongue twist'n flavor sensations of  my fav-o-rit "who the hell are you and why haven't you served me breakfast yet?" morn'n after brain erase'n beverage...STOLI VODKA!

(FYI...i am gett'n zilch monetary compensations fer promote'n their brand)
pleez drink responsibly!

recently...STOLI VODKA has come under fire...(and not on yer sheets) 

just cuz they're guilty by association...even though the company is not based in RUSSIA...
with this Rooskie who's become the Anita Bryant of Russia

SERIOUSLY?

though i applaud the awareness of the boycott...this ALONE will do VERY little if anything to change Vlad's non heterosexual heart

LOST?...well...lemme back it up a bit here fer ya kitten...

(actual RUSSIAN A double snakes....and trust me...it's magically delish!)

so Russian president Vladimir Putin recently signed on the dotted line...

one of the most draconian laws against "non heterosexual propaganda"...

basically turn'n them into the Alabamians of Europe

which...in turn...has led to a select group of Neo-Nazi Russians...

take'n it upon themselves to act like they're Putin's personal storm troopers defend'n his law by lure'n non heterosexual teenagers into submission

**UPDATE TO ABOVE STORY**

yer gonna need a cold brewski to wash that story down!...wait maybe not!

PUTIN has even had the inflight instructions redone on his airlines...

to give a better understand'n to those non heterosexual foreigners and those who support them...

that want to spend time in his breath-take'n country

i mean...come on PUTIN...titillate'n the masses with yer physique?

pose'n like some sorta somewhat hot daddy past-his-expiration-date Ambercrombie and Fitch model...aint'cha kinda give'n out mixed messages yerself?

and pleez!...it's obvious...Russia is filled with non heterosexuals...

i mean...how else can you explain yer beautifully constructed and very colorful homes?

and not only have you said NO to non heterosexual teach'ns...

you've also banned ANY lil Russian kitten from bein' adopted by ANY  non heterosexual couples and the countries that support them...cuz what?... it's fun to see lil kittens suffer?

it's bad enough when you threw the members of... 

the PUSSY RIOT behind bars fer speak'n their mind about EQUALITY

and then have yer deputy try'n to "cure" the non heterosexual problem with his moronic think'n

hey Alex...i'm sure yer job is very stressful and all...

but maybe you just need to lighten yer load and not take yer duties so seriously...take it from Roscoe...get yerself a dog!

now a group of pesky FBr's wanna return the favor...

by impale'n VLAD with their used stock'n stuffers

 

 rather than dump their perfectly good cocktails down the drain

some have decided to teach the pre-pubescent kittens...

that's it's OK to be a non conformist

while some...of course...missed the boat completely and are just whore'n themselves out to be picked fer the next season of RuPaul's Drag Race 

can someone get this gurl antibiotics...

and a band-aid...stat?

with the winter Olympics take'n place in yer backyard next year...

and the WORLD watch'n...you think you could cut us non heterosexuals and our allies a break?

i mean...YOU do realize...their will be a figure skate'n event ...among many other non heterosexually infiltrated events...dont'cha?

i don't wanna tell ya how to run yer country or anything...

i've got better things to complain about...i'm just say'n...would a lil MAC make-over really be all that bad?

so in close'n Vlad...ya might wanna lighten up on yer non hetero policies...

can't you see that most of the real world already has?

you don't want yer legacy to end up like one of these guys...

on an episode of...VH-1's "Where Are They Now?" 

or sing'n karaoke to the crustaceans do ya?

now get off my dress!