Monday, May 9, 2011


in the spring of 2008… KRYSTAL received a desperate phone call from a past illusionist that she never had the pleasure to perform for…but had participated in many AIDS charity events with her…as well as party’n it up from time to time at functions thru-out the city…BITCH FLOWERS is her name

the lounge bar that BITCH FLOWERS had once held her birthday parties at to honor herself…had gone under and BITCH wanted somethin’ big to remind the city…she was still here…so she booked her event at the VARSITY THEATER…and called upon her fav-o-rit gurls KRYSTAL KLEER…BARBIE Q...CAMILLE COLLINS and an unknown to them…sought out by KRYSTAL herself…TERRA HALDANE…to help not only honor BITCH’s birthday…but also make a sorta homage to the great STUDIO 54 days of the late 1970’s and early 1980’s in new york…and called the show APRIL SHOWERS bring BITCH FLOWERS!

no one knew what was gonna happen…it was all such a new concept...if we put it together…would the people come?...and if they came…would there be enough of a crowd to warrant it a success?...there was only one way to find out

KRYSTAL also wasn’t sure she wanted to frock up after the turmoil from the last performances she was scheduled for 8 years earlier…then abruptly quit’n after only the first performance due to divatude…and also wondered…would she even be remembered by anyone besides her huge fan Jess?

but as the lines began to form and grow longer and deeper around the VARSITY THEATER...KRYSTAL soon realized she had made the right decision to frock up...and KRYSTAL's bulbs would shine brighter than ever before on the runway

gone were the days of perform’n the 80’s classics…and the cool style’n torch songs of the golden years…for KRYSTAL had found the gurl that would breathe the breath of life back into her well worn heels once more during her close’n number…and she goes by the name of JACKIE BEAT!

for those unfamiliar with her work of geniousness…JACKIE’s musical style is a cross between WEIRD AL and HUSTLER MAGAZINE…completely comical and completely dirty as hell…and that's just what KRYSTAL’s new fan base was crave’n

by season 2…TERRA was out and MAXI was in…as guest illusionist…but CAMILLE COLLINS…BARBIE Q…KRYSTAL KLEER(now christened “the dirty gurl”)…and the sensual style’n of burlesque loud mouth beauty FOXY TANN who now joined the cast as performer and co MC with CAMILLE…along with BITCH FLOWERS…remained as staple fav-o-rits of the show…and it had looked like KRYSTAL had made it after all…again…by the herds of old and new fans now flock’n to pay fer her attention

by season 3…KRYSTAL became more involved in behind the scenes by hire’n a phenomenal graphic artist and good friend Faedre Blue…made countless deliveries of fliers to promote the show…facebooked her online universe relentlessly…and helped choreograph the open’n number to the show

KRYSTAL not only commanded the audience to pay attention to her…she earned it!

the show opened with the first ever short screen play written by KRYSTAL for the cast of APRIL SHOWERS bring BITCH FLOWERS...aptly titled “MOMMIE QUEEREST”…filmed on location at KRYSTAL’s aunt Ellen’s condo in burnsville, mn…by minneapolis renowned videographer/editor extraordinaire Tony Larson…to thunderous applause

the movie was followed by the dance troupe “SOUL 2 SOUL”…though amaze’n to see live on dvd…decided not to think about the follow’n performer KRYSTAL who would be come’n outta the stables in 7 inch stilettos…and splattered hot wax on the runway without the use of a tarp

needless to say…KRYSTAL…always the perfectionist…continued to strut her stuff…even though it felt like she was try’n to skate on thin ice…but was none to happy and let it be known when she returned backstage to get ready for her next number…because they would soon feel the power behind the beauty!

as they say…the show must go on…and it did

the nite turned out to be a huge success…but BITCH ended up being the recipient of a HUGE bitch slap…when the close’n act ORYON…took it upon himself to dedicate the nite to his stage manager for his birthday…instead of or even honor'n the host BITCH FLOWERS...the same stage manager that had stiffed KRYSTAL from the make-up work that she did on the set of his video for 3 models back in ’94…so of course KRYSTAL was visibly not pleased!

there was no doubt in anyone’s mind at this point…that KRYSTAL could draw a crowd around the stage…and no one better than BITCH knew this…so KRYSTAL gave an ultimatum…if ORYON was back again…she was out!

season 4 begins in a few short weeks…it’s BIGGER…BETTER…and BITCHIER than ever!

FOXY TANN had to drop out due to contractual obligations in sin city…BARBIE Q’s back hurt try’n to pick out numbers from her own admission so she excused herself…but with these subtractions…brings new additions

star of the minne-apple run of RENT…and the incredibly delicious lead singer of the amazing rock band FAR FROM FALLING…HARLEY WOOD will be join’n the cast as the close’n act with his new band WRECKED WHEELHOUSE...and from previews…this is a band not to be missed!

included as special guest performances are Polly and the Hot Buttered Crackers and Esme Rodriguez

KRYSTAL is more grateful than ever to BITCH FLOWERS generosity for give’n her a chance to relive her dreams on stage once again…and though the tug-of-war-of-words happens from time to time…no one is wear’n a diva apron these days…and KRYSTAL KLEER can finally taste the dimly lit spotlight once again

who knows what’s up her glittered wizard sleeve next...stay tuned to find out

thanx for read’n this 3 part special presentation of KRYSTAL KLEER: BEHIND THE BEAUTY…

now…it's happy hour somewhere in the world along and make mine an apple-tini...i'll be there in a minute...oh and if ya wouldn't mind
pleez…get off my dress!

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