Monday, August 19, 2013

market to market...again

so there i was...puffy eyed and barely hold'n it together at 5 am...after a nite out with a  friend...to catch my 6 am flight to Oprahville...fer the 32nd annual
 street meat festival market days in boystown

after the free complimentary frisk down at security...
which is always a friendly EYE OPENER (must remember to leave all basement jewelry at home...fer security purposes of course...insert evil snicker here)

by the time i made my way thru the gate...i was ready to get the party started...turns out...it would be 5 hours later than previously scheduled...
thanx to a malfucktion in Vegas i guess..oh well!

i figered this was a perfect opportunity to become familiar with my spankin' new cellular device...YES KITTENS...welcome me to the new millennium...
after 5 years...i decided to donate my dino phone to the island of misfit toys...and am now a somewhat annoyed parent to the smart phone...too bad my dumb ass can't figer out how to use the fuck'n thing...but since my A double snakes wasn't goin anywhere soon...i guess it's as good time as ever to learn

by the time i finally was able to board...i was completely bored!
and of course they would have to sit me next to some slug from meal-on-wheels who thought we could become best friends fer the next 59 minutes...ummm...WRONG!...i had already done my charitable act of the week!

as i touched down in Chi-Town...
i was in desperadoville and in desperate need of some HEAVY medication stat...and since i don't have ESP  i hadda rely on my GSP to direct me how to get to my friends...since he obviously doesn't realize that i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...and that i don't find people...they find me!


another good stalker friend  that i played naked "name that video" with eons ago...(why not!) met me at my friend Steve's work...since i couldn't be bothered to find another person after that treacherous bus ride thru the streets of murderville...thank god i had packed my kevlar vest...
so it was off to our fav-o-rit store in town...BORDERLINE'S

the mgr guy i normally hafta call bullshit on when ask'n about how good the quality is of his "unreleased" material from the QUEEN is...was pleasantly kind this time...then i figered it out...he had his "gun" set fer "stunned"...on my friend (hmmm...is there a way i can use this to my advantage?)
there is a new MDNA remix album that my piggy bank wouldn't let me take home...(but it would sound great in my pinto blow-about as i'm cruise'n down the highway at a top speed of 45 mph) i thought long and hard...but then i thought...of course i can...i've done alot worse fer alot less...and this can just be written off as a charitable act...since i didn't  wanna chatter with Jabba on the plane

so i pulled my knee pads outta my purse...gave them to my friend and set the egg timer...and as they went downstairs to check out the new "arrivals"...
me and the other counter helper chattered about this and that...and how his boss had NEVER done "that before"...
RIGHT!...and i am the queen of never-gett'n-laid-land!
10 minutes later...i had just added a new cd to my collection...and a new job description to my resume

later that day...my newborn electronical child was whine'n fer me to pick it up...but i had zero clue how to burp that damn thing...so missed call after missed call...i was ready to chuck the whiny fucker into the Atlantic river...
then i remembered...oh shit...we're not in Kansas anymore!

later we ended up meet'n up with another group of stalkers friends...
 to grab some nibbleys and non Russian alcoholic refreshments...
unfortunately...
 our waitress Lieutenant Uhura...decided to keep us refreshed but not full...and an hour would go by before we wondered about our order...and like any good waitress would...she blamed it on the staff...HEY...I WOULD!...so we left

afterwards we hit the street to see all the over priced crap that would eventually be dumped at some salvation army or throw'n into some shitty swag bag at some crappy after bar party later that even'n

then i ran into this vision of loveliness rock'n the peroxide and frosted lip...
she was soo Krystal kasual...or rather what i will be rock'n in 10 years time...i hadda get a reminder...though i would've had somethin' alot more dirtier to stick in my mouth besides the ass of a cigarette
pino-colda...why yes pleez!

the debauchery would end later that even'n at the lucky shoehorse...but i wouldn't be so...BY CHOICE!

we interrupt this non end'n ramble...to bring you this break'n story...
2 comic book crusaders just sat down next to me as i type this very heart break'n and important historical piece of misery at the library..and say to each other..."how are you today Mary?" Mary says "i am blessed how are you today Jenita?" Jenita says "i am blessed too"...Mary says "it's nice to have a blessed day isn't it?"
must remember to carry garlic spray on me at all times!

and now...back to the misery

so blah blah blah...we went to blah blah blah...and had some blah blah blah!

by days 2 and 3 (hey i'm all about minimalization this year)

 i was in need of some fab-u-4-less shoe therapy...so off to my fav-o-rit store
BEATNIKS...and there they were..scream'n fer me like they were being held against their will  like a prisoner  at Guantanamo Bay..."GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" they said in a loud shriek'n voice (or maybe that was me...in any case)...so of course...i hadda do some sorta covert operational mission with my piggy bank...but it was a success...
on my way out though...i could her a faint cry'n come'n from the corner...and it was these sorry ass slippers...FINE...get in the fuck'n bag already!...which actually worked out fine really...since i am in the middle of make'n a "TOP SECRET" coffee table book about bar hopp'n around town as a clown...SHHHHHH!
and the lovely assistant said she'd punch me in the neck if i wouldn't buy this plastic unicorny follicleness...that i so desperately and apparently needed...my piggy bank was headed to starvation central...but i didn't care...this girl had spunk...trust me...she's a good sales person...i'd hire her any day!

on the way out i seen this jaunty hat and flame'n locks...and thought...
hmmm...this would be perfect fer my some what good friend Bitch back home...but then i remembered...she never got me my damn flat screen yet...so she gets NOTHIN!

later that day was to be the 10,000 Maniacs in concert...
 
but since i heard Natalie Merchant wasn't with them any longer...i thought why bother? so i didn't

and of course i somehow missed WILSON PHILLIPS...
 guess they'll have to "hold on" fer one more day...FER ME!
i also missed...AARON CARTER? (ummm...who cares!) ...i would rather stick tooth picks in my toe nails while drink'n DRANO shots to be honest!...this is no reflection on how i feel about the guy though
but i did manage to get a glipse of Wonder Woman belt out a tune...before my urge to purge was in full force and i needed some spirits to lift my spirits stat!

later that nite at SIDETRAX i did run into half of 80's euro band...
(and as you can see...i don't wear my sunglasses at nite...so a certain latino kitten or anyone else with their fascination with me and my sunglasses...can get of my dress!)

the nite ended with a splash...make'n a mad dash from bar to bar...
and as i walked home to my friends house...an escapee from some asian munchkin land strolled by in his not so tightest whitest...after pick'n up his moo-goo shit fer a late nite snicky snack...unfortunately...2 blocks later some coco queen would try and put him in his birthday suit before he would spew out some ancient chinese voodoo curse at her

by day 4 i was ready to pack it in...since i hadn't to ANYONE yet!

SHIT!...break'n story again...SERIOUSLY?...Janita says " thank you for my blessing earlier...i bless you as well and hope you have a blessed weekend!"
Mary says 
"thank you for blessing me...you as well have a blessed weekend!"
JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER CRUST!...
I'M BLESSED...YER BLESSED...WE'RE ALL BLESSED!
but can you PUHLEEZ get yer koom-bi-ya A double snakes outta here already?...i'm try'n to tell a meaningful story here

now where was i?...oh yea

as i hopped the L to the burbs to my other friends who were graciously will'n to put up with me fer the next 7 hours...i had my last chance on the train to romance at the next stop...and i wanted to get off...well since i hadn't...
but i decided after a text i got from some miscalculation back home...i decided to contain myself...
plus i didn't wanna hafta thumb it home...

cuz i know my deliciously good nazi taco friend Vicky was about ready to make me

so there ya have it folks...i left with my purity shield unbroken and my dignity in the dirt!

until next week...get off my dress!










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