pony up!

if absence makes the heart grow fonder…

then give'n it up makes you feel…you know…a lil worn out after a few hours…don'it?

charity is so very...what's the word i'm look'n for? oh yes...

time consume'n...but bein forced to live the low life as an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...there are very few high lights that make me feel complete as a non celebrated celebrity...like have'n to care fer my own damn garments...or have'n someone else pick up the tab on the town once in a while

now don't think i'm some cheap charity case...only look'n fer hand-outs...

oh no!...sometimes i'd also appreciate a complimentary hand-job from time to time...as much as i'd appreciate the other finer thing in life...like not splatter'n yer fornicational paint all over my non scotch guarded couch when yer my charity case fer the week

the only charity worth give'n to...is the charity that gives back TO YOU!

i've done my fair share of contribute'n to the delinquency of a minor...

society...to make my self worth...worth anything...but it ain't worth a pot to piss in unless yer able to brag about it to others less charitable than you

like fer instance...in my pre-pubescent pre-fame days...a group of about 10 of my very closest and dearest friends that vowed we'd never loose touch...

that i've secretly replaced their memories with other more important idols

would stop at the local HAPPY CHEF fer bottomless coffee fer a quarter nite after school...occupy'n a couple of sectionals fer a couple of hours...consume'n enough java to keep Juan Valdez crack'n the whip in the Colombian bean fields til the wee hours of the morn'n

on one particular even'n...this one particular waiter coped an attitude...

possibly due to our teenage angst riddled looks...especially mine...and made it impeccably impossible to warrant any sort of monetary charitable compensation...from at least me anyways...fer their lack of service with a smile...regardless if we were only order'n refills or not...so i decided to do the next best thing and correct them of their debilitate'n disease known as assholism...at the same time teach'n him how to read in dyslexian

but all was not wasted on said waiter...as i heard...years later they ended up in a trailer with 13 cats...knitt'n afghans fer armenians...so it felt good to pass off the charitable baton

my charitable acts have also extended into my own personal love life...

by date'n the socially retarded...the emotionally unavailable...and the chemically dependent...it was a duty that i felt needed to be done as an upstand'n non heterosexual…since i'm barely stand'n in an upright position…to give them a chance to be seen in a better light...and in return...they gave me somethin' nothin' a doctor couldn't cure within 3 to 6 weeks

but there's a plethora of celebrity endorsed charities out there that are completely laughable...mainly just try'n to balance out their own inflated over blown ego's with a charity attached to their name...unfortunately...

a majority of the donations always ended up in someone else's GUCCI girdle instead of thee intended recipients

so i figure why not donate to a charity case that at least makes me laugh...

so i searched high n low fer a charitable contribution along the informational highway one afternoon that i knew would benefit me best...and discovered that internationally known funny gal pal of stage and screen and everything in between...JACKIE BEAT...was genuinely in need of wheel barrel of wealth pronto fer a hip replacement...

at first i thought about digg'n up ol' violet eyes herself...since she had the cadillac of hip replacements back in the day and was no longer in need of them…cuz it might be a good way to help save some expenses...but apparently this was not an option...so since JACKIE had restarted my non existent career many moons ago...i decided to dip into my Guatemalan maid's change purse and make a change...by help'n out with her pelvic problems since she'd been suffer'n fer her art...literally fer a long time....and in return...she's give'n me many more years of inspiration

but you don't need to fall apart at the seams to be worthy of my donation...

i had a lil pow wow session with the woman of 1000 voices...

Nadya Ginsburg...best known fer her spot on impersonations of Cher and Winona Ryder among many others...but best loved and admired thru-out the land as...

the QUEEN herself...

who was desperately seek'n susan a boat load of benjamins to 

kick start her very own web series "MADONNALOGUES"...

so after given my hometown of the Minne-Apple a shout out in her plea...i decided to put down the pipe fer a couple of days...and generously donated to a much worthier cause...

and after see'n what my simple sacrifice has done...trust me...it was well worth my charitable contribution

see the original to really appreciate Nadya's incredibly enormous talent...and look fer her web series "MADONNALOGUES" come'n soon!

everyone dreams of strike'n it rich...whether it be play'n the slots...digg'n up some buried treasure in yer backyard...perhaps pick'n the right lotto #'s...

or simply just wait'n fer that often ignored relative in the raisin ranch to kick the can so you can collect yer win'ns

well there are other ways to get rich quick feel rich...simply by enrich'n the life of a complete stranger...maybe it's the homeless person with the peg leg and a glass eye...the pregnant teen hook'n fer heinekens...or just maybe...

 it's a benefit to benefit a little burlesque beauty with huge hilarious skills…like SELENE LUNA

i first discovered SELENE as lil Lourdes Marie Veronica Ciccone Leon and her partner in crime Nadya Ginsburg while whore'n around on YouTube...instead of the street one even'n

this burlesque beauty...stand-up comic…activist…dance club diva and star of such films like "MY BLOODY VALENTINE"...found herself recently with excruciate'n hip pain and bein' in the biz called show...call'n in sick...is never really an option…

so her good friend Margaret Cho...along with a list of other very talented artists...have decided to help out with a lil laughter fer yer benefit to help benefit SELENE...since she's unable to make any moolah to just pay fer the essentials in life cuz she's unable to perform while gett'n the therapy she so desperately needs...

if yer in the LA area or surround'n burbs on sat may 24th…or just wanna plan yer family vacation...same sex wedd'n after party...briss or bar mitzvah around this fabulous event…
get tickets here

but even if yer not in the LA area…you can simply help out SELENE here til she's back on her feet

fer change to happen...YOU must make a change...

so start by change'n yer shitty shorts and yer shitty attitude...ferget about slurp'n on another iced mocha caramel laced latte crappichino...or choke'n down a bucket of chicken wings...put down that crack pipe...return that fancy schmancy lacy panty set after a nite of try'n to recapture some youth (wait...that don't smell right..scratch that)...and pony up some change fer a change to a worthy cause...whatever cause it may be...cuz in the end...you'll change the world!

i'm outta my mind Sally Struthers!

now get off my dress!