Monday, June 9, 2014

CASPER...can you hear me?

fer those of you out there wonder'n where i stand religiously...
i once worked fer the J-man on sundays...but i never got to cash in like all those other lucky fuckers years later...well cuz i never wore that communal robe with the butt cut out

but now i'm just an alter'd boy from time to time...fer the right dime!
and like any great horror story...all good things must come to an end!

ever since return'n to the corporate world of incontinence seat'n in the powder room and Ogilvy runway models feed'n at the donut trough...
whose worlds revolve around kids and casserole conversations on a 24 hour loop durin' my 8 hour shift...the only solace i have from feel'n like i'm bath'n in a bucket of H2O...
is during the 55 minutes i get to breath in the freshly polluted air and observe the outside world
beyond my cubicle of H-E-double hockey stix

i've also come to the realization after 8 very unfortunate years...that there are 2 seasons in the downtown hustle and bustle of the corporate regime...
Antarctica season...and...
Casper crusade'n season!

let me explain...

usually start'n around the beginn'n of Easter and goin until the first major snow fall (hey these beaters sure know how to bundle up) some J-man or J-woman...groupie/ down to nicollet mall in the downtown
Minne-Apple area...with their oh so humble milk crate they just ripped off from the schools milk man they just mugged...and scream out loud in annoy'n all the hip blasphemers and horny idolaters...
stories from the color'n book of condemnation...known also as the real grimm fairy tales!

though it sounds as if they are merely recite'n what some mind controller
up above is make'n them say after shove'n bore worms into their ears...but somehow...decide to just pick and choose what passages they believe will save them and all of humanity from retribution from up above

well...after nose'n around this book of fairy tales...i've compiled a top 10 list of interest'n easter eggs they'd somehow ignored...since they may have tried them out a time or 2...but i have them here...just for yer reminder...

you dream'n about gett'n some super cool tattoo on yer body?
#10 Leviticus 19:28 states:
"Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead...nor print any marks upon you...I am the LORD"

think'n about buzz'n yer head and scruff to give ya that come f*ck me look?
#9 Leviticus 19:27 states:
"Ye shall not round the corners of your heads...neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard"
(seriously...stubble hurts when their poke'n around yer popcorn box)

try'n to visit the neighborhood psychic to get the winn'n lotto numbers?
#8 Leviticus 19:31 reads:
"Regard not them that have familiar spirits...neither seek after be defiled by them...I am the LORD your God"
(Alex...can i get "jealous prick much?"...fer $500 pleez?)

hey non homosexual dudes...if you ever get in a fight at some bar and all of a sudden the pie hole yer poke'n decides to step in and help out by squeezing yer opponent's "tingly parts"'d best stop her immediately
#7 Deuteronomy 25:11-12 states:
"When men strive together one with another...and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him...and putteth forth her hand...and taketh him by the secrets...then thou shalt cut off her hand...thine eye shall not pity her"
(in simplest terms...means hands off bitch...make me a pot pie or you'll be pick'n up yer teeth with broken fingers!)

you got a hanker'n to choke down a delicious BLT...yea well...think again?
#6 Leviticus 11:7-8 reads:
"And the swine...though he divide the hoof...and be clovenfooted...yet he cheweth not the cud...he is unclean to you...of their flesh shall ye not eat...and their carcase shall ye not touch...they are unclean to you.
(dear...the only pig meat you should be concerned the kind yer try'na lock yer lips around durin' happy hour)

yer precious kitten feel like spew'n out some 4 letter words at ya?...uh uh!
#5 Exodus 21:17 states:
"And he that curseth his father...or his mother...shall surely be put to death"
(anyone under the age of 18 should be equipped with a mute button...PERIOD!)

thought yer life was set once you took that long walk down the aisle? well
accord'n to statistics...alotta marriages are head'n to hell in a handbasket
#4 Mark 10:11-12 states:
"Whosoever putteth away his wife...and marrieth another...committeth adultery...and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery"
(kitten...mommy adores you...but daddy won't be come'n home tonite...cuz he's a cock-suck'n-mother-fuck'n-pig-slutt'n-trailer-trash-piece of worthless shit!)

plann'n on catch'n up with the J-man on sunday ladies?
#3 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 states:
"Let your women keep silence in the churches...for it is not permitted unto them to speak...but they are commanded to be under also saith the law...and if they will learn any thing...let them ask their husbands at home...for it is a shame for women to speak in the church"
(shut yer mouth WHORE!)

got a crave'n for a huge bowl of deliciously fried popcorn shrimp?
#2 Leviticus 10-11 states:
"And all that have not fins and scales in the seas...and in the rivers...of all that move in the waters...and of any living thing which is in the waters...they shall be an abomination unto shall not eat of their flesh...but ye shall have their carcases in abomination"
(mama always said don't trust anyone who carries their house with them!)

might be harder to find a bride who is a virgin than the other way around
#1 Deuteronomy 22:20-21 states:
"But if this thing be true...and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel...then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house...and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die...because she hath wrought folly in play the whore in her father's shalt thou put evil away from among you"
(yer nothin' but a slither'n succubus...a one woman Sodom and Gomorrah...a tramp...a street walker...A CHEAP WHORE...that's what you are MA!)

and now...thanx to those cheddar head vote'n WISCONSINNERS...

so if you think commit'n any of these felonies is gonna piss the J-man off...
then practice what yer preach'n...and get off my dress!

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