next time though...please bring yer own towels...i hate doin laundry...fer those who decided to miss my latest mildew marker...and fergot to present me with accolades or to purchase an item from the preselected gift list at amazon.com to commemorate me twist'n down the fallopian slide so many many moons ago...still have plenty of time to pick up their free gift without pity at gofuckyerselftilnextyear.com
trust me...like my smartass phone that decided to pull a jihad on me 2 days before my big day...i'm over it...as much as i'm over you...but more about that next week...at this point in the monopoly of life...i figered...
i had passed go so many times without collect'n my $200...i realized i was start'n to pass my prime time...and it was about time to get exactly what i wanted fer some change a change...i was starve'n fer a marvin that even'n...hey it had been a whole 5 days...and i was in no mood to bob fer blue balls...so i said to myself...i said self...why not just order some taco john?...you'd get exactly what ya paid for...without have'n to order a side of free phony compliments fer a return visit...besides i've never had spanish rice...it could be nice...but would it be worth the price?
as i meticulously searched thru my back issues of TOOTH CHIPPERS magazine...like a contestant who just solved the puzzle on the wheel of sexually frustrated fortune and was ready to pick their prick from the throat gagg'n gallery of goodies...it got me to think'n fer just a minute...
how it all began?...how it used to be to how it is today?...how does one set their base pay?
let's cue up the David Lee Roth hit and take a trip down to male hookerville
y'all know of course...the 2 most famous power bottoms in history...
were Roman emperors Caesar and Nero...both declare'n concubinus caretakers fer their own sexual appetite on those cold lonely nites...but what most people don't know is...this was also where the origin of the term "royally fucked" originated from
by the time we hit the 15th century in Florence (Jean Castleberry) Italy
it was not uncommon fer young trollops between the ages of
TRANSFORMERS addicts to transform'n themselves...
gett'n tied up in some twisted tawdry love affair with a swiss bank account wealthy ancient relic with enough riches to keep them in new britches...til of course...thee under the covers lover gets bored with ride'n the wrinkled willy and spills the beans...along with his dignity...to the closest publish'n company
durin' the middle of the 16th century in Kawasaki Country...
kabuki theater was a treasure trove of high priced male hussies sought after by both male and female patrons fer their exquisite and appropriate applications of the correct base...lips gloss and eye liner...
even buddhists and samurai warriors were into tag team'n many of their "apprentices"...fer educational purposes only of course
by the turn of the 19th century...both Europe and North America...
were turn'n out sweet transvestites faster than jail time to jihads...also known as "fairies"...they were the latest "must have" accessory in the fall season from brothels to saloons with a "backdoor"...some even work'n in female brothels as an "exotic offer'n" fer their male clientele
the GREAT DEPRESSION wasn't really about a crippled economy...oh no
the greatest tragedy from that era of course...was the birth of the "str8 act'n and appear'n" non heterosexual hustlers as well as non homosexual hustlers...take'n over the brothel's and backrooms of the Hurry Back Inn that once were dominated by the flame'n fairies and muscle mary's with a sense of savoir faire...all the way from new york to new mexico...as a means to justify their blatant sexual sissification
from the sexual revolution of the 70's...til the heydays of...
but now...thanx to the birth of pop-up porn sites...GRINDR and SCRUFF
sure...i had many many monetary moments offered to me in my 20's...by many many much older than me in exchange fer extra curricular activities but i've revoked my blow-job valley membership eons ago...we've all used our youth to get exactly what we wanted at times...regardless of what the outcome was to be...so kindly remove yerself from behind that pulpit...
so after careful consideration...i looked long and hard into the mirror...
Prince and the Revolution in the 80's...most cracked out casanova's came thru the drive up windows of lonely out-of-town toads look'n to "explore" all the city had to offer...by dole'n out a hefty offer of their own
but now...thanx to the birth of pop-up porn sites...GRINDR and SCRUFF
stocks have plummeted to an all time low fer the work'n ho'...with easy accessibility to pick'n yer prick without all those high prices...though yer spinn'n the roulette wheel these days with the free gift with purchase...that usually takes about 3-6 weeks to clear up...if yer lucky!
sure...i had many many monetary moments offered to me in my 20's...by many many much older than me in exchange fer extra curricular activities but i've revoked my blow-job valley membership eons ago...we've all used our youth to get exactly what we wanted at times...regardless of what the outcome was to be...so kindly remove yerself from behind that pulpit...
i mean really!...how many times have YOU impersonated a gyrate'n gigolo and expected or finagled yer way outta pay'n fer dinners?...vacations?...shopp'n sprees? or a musical interlude?...from yer peers...parents...or yer weekly passionistas? regardless whether yer old enough to wipe yer own ass to have'n to hire a nurse to do it fer ya...
and you far right finger point'n fucktards who are gonna stand there and say to me..."you can't do that...it's a sin"...seriously?...ummm...hate to break it to y'all but sin was just an imaginary disease invented by CASPER crusaders to sell the gullible and weak-minded like yerself an imaginary cure called s-a-l-v-a-t-i-o-n...and this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe don't play that !
so after careful consideration...i looked long and hard into the mirror...
and thought to myself...i thought self...what am i doin?...i may be one year closer to receive'n my AARP membership and become'n a monthly member to the June Allison fan club...but i ain't gotta pay fer no dime store dick...well...not just yet anyways...i'm a fuck'n catch...i still have plenty of free clown'n around years left in me...so with that in mind...time to spritz on the chloroform...and watch me baby while i walk out that door!
now get off my dress!
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