ahhh...i remember it as if it were 15,010 days ago...(fer you slow pokers...that would've made me 7) runn'n around in those oh so comfortable body bags...with that oh so vibrantly toxic painted facial mask that was molded from some quasimoto's face...which made you feel like you were gasp'n fer yer last breath...at 6 feet underground...from the good ol' yester years...with my siblings in gilmore valley...
know'n i wouldn't become a crispy critter…with it's flame retarded fabric
(which might explain alot about the "condition" i've become)
(which might explain alot about the "condition" i've become)
whore'n ourselves out like cheap confectionery hussies...to neighbors we absolutely knew nothing about...well...except the milkman that came twice a week to some homes in the hood...stock pile'n our buckets with masses of sugary destruction to put ourselves in a glucose coma fer months...and to keep the dentists tap dance'n all the way to Taiwani've concocted a merried of looks since then…in fact…in 1986…my grama made my very first h-weenie outfit to fit my curvaceous curves durin' my...
oh so tenderly unsweetened 16th year...as Elvira Mistress of the Dark...with her front window curtains made of brown polyester (insert awww here) as i had pillaged the town of all it's aluminum cans to purchase my very 1st hair hopper...the follow’n year i made my very first costume from scratch...as Lily Munster and then my 1st nite out in the Minnie-Apple in '91 goin as Wednesday Addams...unfortunately...it would be years of unintentional therapy before i would doll up again...
but when i did...i figered i'd go as Ziggy Stardust...forced into enter'n the h-weenie contest at the local non heterosexual water'n hole that year...i lost out to some twink in diapers and top hat dressed as baby fuck'n new year…i was robbed i tell ya...by the new millennium...i did the Boy George look as Leigh Bowery....and won a free cocktail…big whoop...but a couple years after that i decided on Boy George from the 80’s...and redeemed myself by winn'n 200 benjamins…i felt vindicated fer all my hard work at lastthe year i decided to go out as lil red ride'n hooker...
with my 70 year old aunt as Hilary Clinton in a vampire cape...why not?...at a VFW in Burnsville, MN...proved to be very interest'n when i popped into the lil boys room to powder my nose...while 4 slack jawed yokels were empty'n their hoses to the porcelain gods hang'n before them...i might have been their trick...but trust me...they were no treat
in the meantime kittens…here's thee official unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe's top 13 list to the hottest freakfest flix to watch in the dark this hallowed eve season
13. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
now i know what yer think'n kittens..how does a beautifully shot masterpiece about 2 hot as fuck cowboys...patty cake'n on the mountain tops under the the moonlit Wyoming skies...constitute as a horror flick...well...it's not so much horror where these 2 corn holers are concerned...the real horror is...
ANNE HATHAWAY's HAIR!!!
with all the money spent on shoot'n this cowpoke classic...ya think the wardrobe department could'a stopped down at the local drag bar in town and borrowed a couple of decent mops...instead of save'n a few benjamins and shopp'n in back issues of the crossword puzzles magazine
from the Eva Gabor wig collection
ok...i just threw that in there to see if you were pay'n attention kittens...now get that cock-a-doodle-do or cock-a-doodle don't outta yer mouth...and let's get to the hottest freakfest flix that'll make you jump from things that'll go BUMP in yer nitey!
can't go wrong with a classic can ya?...and fer a monster...all tall and thick and barely able put 2 words together...now that's hot!
besides...what self respect’n freak out there hasn't wanted to toss some rich bitch into the lake...listen up
has-been cheerleaders/sorority sluts REALLY DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES of whatever county!
plenty of hotties to be had in this flick...but pay close attention especially to Skeet Ulrich
even if he is...like the shopko version of Johnny Depp
apparently that rich bitch knew how to swim outta the lake years ago...
a fairly unknown late 80's flick...but has all the freak elements you'll need...starr'n Lance Henriksen…and even though he has those wickedly cool green eyes...
he just creeps the H-E-double hockey stix outta me all together...and that's kinda hot!9. FRIDAY THE 13TH
this gore fest was totally reminiscent and quite frankly...a complete rip-off of "the lost counselor" story that was told to me and my siblings when we used to attend YMCA camp over nites by the camp fire...but the main reason fer watch'n...
the 7 degrees of separation i felt when i 1st seen the hotness formerly known as Kevin Bacon when i was only the tender and supple age of 12...shirtless and unfortunately helpless...my very 1st man crush...gone before the credits could roll...oh what a wicked lil world
8. NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
one of the best teen slasher gashers from the 80's...that was predictably entertain'n...and the only time ever in the history of horror...you actually prayed to yer teen beat bible that the hottie in this flick would survive Krueger's carnage
alas...in his 1st ever appearance on the big screen...JOHNNY FUCK'N HOT AS FUCK DEPP did not...but take comfort in know'n though...this new comer...would come back again and again and again in future flix
(ps...this is one flick that never should've been retouched...the remake sucks total A double snakes...trust me...all the horror camp was replaced with crap)
7. WOLF CREEK
a fairly recent horror gem from the Australian outback...based on "true" events...which basically means they made half of the shit up to sell tickets...about 3 awesome Aussie's head'n out fer a hike at the national park...and come face to face with an unsuspect'n menace'n face...sing'n kumbaya's around a camp fire...til all hell breaks loose come sunrise...but the real reason to watch...
hotter than any vegemite spread...Nathan Phillips...thankfully a dingo didn't eat this mother's baby...with his incredibly edibly thick aussie...ummm...accent...he'll make any horror fluffer go "down under"...and thank the almighty CHER (*spoiler alert*) the other 2 maxi padders he's travel'n with...sacrifice themselves...unintentionally of course...so this hot as dingo dung doesn't have to
6. AMITYVILLE HORROR...the remake
though the original was frighten'n fer it's time...this redo is a total nail biter...sitt'n-on-the-edge-of-yer-seat sorta horror...the 1st time around featured 70's hottie James Brolin...but i'm sorry Mr. Streisand...yer psychotic behavior belongs in a candy store...
compared to the psychotic menace of one ax-wield'n homocidal maniac Ryan Reynolds…H-E-L-L-O!
5. KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE
well any horror flick with a klown in it...you know it's gonna be freaky...and that's good...though some out there still freak out about clowns all together...ummm all i gotta say is...if yer over the age of 30 and this still is an issue...go see a fuck'n therapist and take a valium like a normal person...the soundtrack and actors in this B classic are cheesier than a bowl of kraft macaroni…but it stars 80's B movie hunk-o-rama Grant Cramer...
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes!
and when you got clowns that'll kill ya with cotton candy and popcorn...
eat'n insulation and styrofoam pellets just ain't the same ever again
4. WRONG TURN
nothing is freakier than being chased by a bunch of inbreeds with attitude...but more importantly it stars pre-Dexter hottie Desmond Harrington...
you can rescue me Desmond...a-n-y-t-i-m-e you want…i swear
3. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE...the remake
ok...i know what yer think'n...a remake already made my list...but kitten...this redo makes the original look like a ride thru redo-me-ville (thanx Rob Zombie fer the nightmares) trust me...you will feel the pain...plus the original never had the delectably scrumptious Eric Balfour (yes pleez!)
though sadly he will NOT return in the sequel…oops…sorry kittens
2. ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW
what h-weenie night would be complete...without a-n-t-i-c-i-p-a-t-i-o-n!
who else can look hotter in gold lame shorts i ask you?
1. ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK
this is my all time fav-o-rit spooktacularexpialidocious h-weenie flick
besides bein' packed full of one-liners like "what's that perfume yer wear'n...catch of the day?"...it's also packed with the extra firm pillowed pecs of 80's beefcake Daniel Greene...
though Elvira does deserve an honorable mention fer bein' the girl who put the boob...back into boob tube
and her friends back in '94 at a trailer sign'n in Anoka,MN of all places...dressed as Alex and after a drunken hayride…i made my way back to her trailer…only to be greeted by some sizzle'n muscled
black african american non caucasian male with possible ancestral descendants from the land of the Sahara...bodyguard who said Elvira only wanted to talk to ME…yes ME!!
she loved my look compared to the other slack jaws in line drool’n over...
her chest like starve’n mongolian baboons...and said she was in the process of film'n a new movie and had thought of a great title to call it "THE MISTRESS AND THE MATTRESS"…all i had to do was send her a professional 8x10 of me...though nothing was guaranteed
it took me 2 years after meet'n to get professional shots take'n…but...
unfortunately by then...the movie was probably already cast...as i had not heard a word from hollyweird...without me..called
ELVIRA'S HAUNTED HILLS
ELVIRA'S HAUNTED HILLS
and YES to this day...i kick myself
so...in the immortal words from the enchant'n Mistress of the dark..."unpleasant dreams"
now get off my dress!