Monday, March 2, 2015

OH NO SHE DI'INT!

before we begin today's lil adventure thru H-E-double hockey stick...
it's happen'n kittens...EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!...check back next week fer more deets

like find'n a needle in a hay stack...

a diamond in the rough...

or gett'n all the correct damn lotto numbers in order fer a change...

it's an absolute rarity that i ever blow my top...
well...unless of course he's used proper hygiene first!

so there i was at my local non heterosexual grunt bar gym a while back...
doin my nightly laps in the whirlpool  work-out routine on the locker room benches  work-out floor

doin my very best routine to get in...get out...and get off...
to get my car tire fixed at the mechanics

i stuffed all my valuables...(that were not attached to me by way of my inception) into a small hole in the wall locker...and after an exhaust'n 30 minute rushed work-out...i had simply fergotten my locker and combo...
as one does when they got a million things goin on in their head...think'n of head...wait...i'm gett'n A HEAD of myself there

let's back it up...just a bit...there ya go...like that!
oops...where was i?...ummm...oh yea
(sorry i have a bit of dickslexia happen'n...why not!...it's my story)

so anywhozillding...as i was try'n to say...i was rush'n outta the gym...and couldn't remember my combo...so i asked the counter guy if i gave him the exact details of all of my contents...could he please open the 20 lockers (Jesus Christ on a graham cracker crust...they have a damn master key!)

well after 15 or so lockers...and no luck gett'n the correct one...he says he can no longer open another locker without a general mangers approval...
HUH?

instead of goin' bat shit crazy...cuz that never solves A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G
and you A double snake holes know who you are that give customer service kittens no reason to be polite to you at all!

so anyways... he went back to the counter to email the GM...
who apparently was MAX HEADROOM!

whatevs!...i just wanted to get my stuff and go...time was a tick'n away

1 minute...2 minutes...5 minutes...NOTHING!
as he kept type'n away...and check'n in the nightly chorus line...my patience was slipp'n away

i could feel my engines spinn'n...ready to shoot outta the mouth gate...
but i put it in park and simply asked if he would like to be served with some fava beans and a nice chianti i could speak with the M.O.D

i now had 10 minutes to get to the other end of town...
which was like 15 minutes away...and without move'n from his front counter..he asked some guy...less than 20 feet away...if he could open the lockers

who was this guy you ask?...the GM/M.O.D

are you kidd'n me?...the fuck'n GM was less than 20 feet away...
and you had to email him to get his approval?...i seriously wanted to punch this fucktard in the neck!

of course the GM was no better...as he says...
that they were "super busy all nite give'n out FREE day passes"

ARE YOU FUCK'N KIDD'N ME WITH THIS?
i saw you sit at yer desk across from the front counter watch'n...instead of bein' concerned about a current pay'n customer's obvious urgent issue...of course i had no choice but to tame the beast within me...and i did...via this blog of course!

long story shortened...i could say perhaps they had issues with me...
being' the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am...but who's to know NOW...it took the GM less than 10 seconds to open the right door...i got my stuff...called the mechanic to wait...who was more than happy to oblige!

which in turn...made me not go ape shit on his ass...in my head or on this blog!

for the record...if you want GOOD CAR SERVICE done right and reasonable...may i suggest the MOBIL station off of PENN and Cedar Lake Road...DO NOT call TIRED PLUS RIPOFFS...(at least the uptown location)

the same EXACT job just to change a flat tire? 31 buckaroo's...OR...
60 to ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS?
ok so it wasn't EXACTLY 100 million
 it was more like 60-160 bux...but it might as well have been a 100 million dolla quote...either case TIRED PLUS RIP-OFFS will NEVER have to worry about me give'n them my bank account...PERIOD!

the follow'n day i figered it was an experience i wouldn't have to relive fer a long time...if ever again...so i decided to take a leisurely sunday drive...
to the BULLSEYE store

aimlessly goin from aisle to aisle...think'n about nutt'n nothin'...cuz i can...
comtemplate'n whether or not if i needed certain items in my basket...like...
new head clippers...
a new pair of dungarees...
shower jams and jellies...
and my signature coal black eyeliner

instead...i just left with some stomach fillers...
(ps...i'm not preggers) just items i knew i needed to satisfy my crave'ns

as i made my way to the only open check-out...i needed somethin' else...
a thirst quencher!

as i placed all of my items on the conveyor belt...one by one...watch'n them make their way to the scanner...i see the young cashier swipe'n my items...
1st...the mustard

2nd...the chocolate milk

as my last item came down the conveyor belt...the cashier says...
"sir...can you please scan this item?"

ESQUEEZE ME?

"sir...i cannot scan this item...it is against my religion"
i swore i had too much to drink from the nite before...cuz i thought i was hear'n double

HUH?

"sir...there is pork in this item...it is against my religion to touch it"
"AGAINST YER RELIGION?"...i said...as i fumbled around my pockets...
look'n fer the keys to my bat shit crazy verbiage that was about to explode like diarrhea

 KISS MY GRITS!

well...in case you haven't heard you CASPER crusade'n cherry pick'n
mother fucker...it's AGAINST my religion to work on sundays...or do someone else's job that i'm not gett'n paid for...or to give 2 shits about...
what voodoo you do on yer own time...i'm fuck'n hungry...and in NO MOOD to hear about what yer fairytales say you can and cannot do at yer place of employment!

apparently cuz it said there was pork product in my pizza...he could not touch the item...BUT the questionable pork was not exposed where his fingertips would touch it...IN FACT...it was conveniently sealed in plastic

funny how company's do that to there food items huh?!

look...i'm ALL fer the E.O.E and United Colors of Benneton...
and have no problems with whatever people choose to do with their OWN life that means nothing to ME...since THEY mean nothing to me after i leave their register...except that when i'm a pay'n customer...and yer the paid employee...YOU are gett'n paid to DO YER JOB...FOR ME...PERIOD!

you don't like it...then work in another area where you are not exposed to yer fairytale filth!...cuz i can bet you...like most religious voodoo'ers...they're
all conveniently fitt'n their "fairytales" laziness...instead of actually THINK'N...before they have to chow down on their own feet!

i scanned the item...and BAGGED it myself...and expect to get paid...
fer my services rendered!

i get enough religious puke from the news...the fairytale thumpers on the streets corners near my work...or the CASPER crusaders that lurk all alone try'n to save yet another soul from burn'n in their delusional pits of fire
but keep yer voodoo stories to yerself...or  you'll be goin' on a wild ride with my spiked tongue!

there it is kittens...a weekend in the life of an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...now if you don't mind...
it's time fer me to hum my hims!

so kindly get off my dress!







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