Monday, March 9, 2015

slay'n with her sword

i want you to close yer eyes and picture it...the year...1985
cruise'n along the highway in yer little red corvette...while belt'n out Prince's "little red corvette" yer own lil car concert as the wind whips thru yer aqua-netted fly trap mop...atop yer head...only cost'n you a measly $1.09 a gallon

Porky Pig's life was only worth $1.65 per pound

the 1st mobile phone rang in the UK at the cost of roughly 1500 pounds

Whoopi and Winfrey made their screen debut together in

though the tour was panned by the critics who called it "atrocious" and that M "will be outta the business in 6 months"...and on top of that...mommie dearest denied me the visual experience state'n they do drugs at that concert...(though i was allowed to see Motley Crue and Ratt with my cuz Danny and 3 of my brothers...with no question later that year)...the 40 city tour sadly went on without my presence and sold out across the US...collect'n a cool $5 mill
my fav # was the ultra infectious "GAMBLER"

2 years later...M would hit the road once again with the...
but this time i around...i would kick and scream uncontrollably like a kid on crack...plead'n with Joan with every last breath in my body that i would recallobrate her chevy citation if needed...but i WAS NOT miss'n out this time around...and on july 27th the tender and supple age of best friend's mom drove me and my best friend 109 miles to the St Paul Civic Center to see the reason why i have pledged my eternal undie'n affection to the QUEEN...this time though the critics were kiss'n her A double bubble snakes by choke'n on their predictions and praise'n she traveled across 3 continents...perform'n 39 shows and take'n in a whoop'n $25 mill
my fav # was the rapturous valentine "OPEN YOUR HEART"

by 1990...M would completely redefine the musical experience with the...
though i had hoped to thumb a ride to Oprahville and make'n some quick "lunch money" in whatever seedy alley i could find that was available...i was wrecked when M hadda cancel the Chicago dates due to throat issues...
though i got to experience the next best thing when me and my good friend Karen went to see the brilliant documentary "TRUTH OR DARE" in theaters...hailed "the best tour of 1990" by Rolling Stone magazine...M performed 57 shows on 3 continents and pocketed over $62 mill
my fav # was the defiantly independent "EXPRESS YOURSELF"

once 1993 rolled around...M was ready to conquer the world again with...
by now...i was gett'n the stage bug myself after see'n the local queens perform'n the QUEEN's hits at the Casablanca lounge in Minneapolis...but this time...M would perform 39 beyond spectacular shows on 5 continents and take home $70 mill in chump change
my fav # was the Dietrich inspired "LIKE A VIRGIN"

after give'n birth to Rocco...M decided it was time...and in 2001 came the...
by now...i was already embark'n on my own...small but unimportant "toilet tour" thru-out the midwest...from seedy dive bars to somewhat sold out stage productions to my mediocre rise on the Jenny Jones thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...and was unfortunately consumed in my own fabu-less-ness to make it to this tour...but was glad i could experience the brilliance on dvd...M would only travel to 2 continents this time around...but did an astound'n 47 shows and pocketed $75 mill
my fav # was the yippee-ki-yae-git-along-lil-doggie "DON'T TELL ME"

2004 would see M doin' all of her greatest hits to date...fer her impressive...
as my dimly lit career was put on the back burner so i could spend my time focus'n on more important the chemically dependent...socially retarded and emotionally unavailable non heterosexuals i was see'n at the and my friend Bonnie Rotten decided to take a much needed road trip to Oprahville and check out M's latest tour on july 11...
one word...FUCK'N AWESOME!...(ok maybe that was 2...bite me)
M decided once again to film this tour in a documentary style...give'n us a glimpse what it's like to juggle an incredible career...while maintain'n a family life as mother and wife in...
again only able to visit 2 continents (well...cuz kids ruin EVERYTHING)...M still managed to do a stagger'n 56 shows and raked in almost $125 mill
my fav # was the infectiously chaotic "NOBODY KNOWS ME"

just when you thought you'd seen it all...2006 was the beyond amaze'n...
where M had take'n it way above and waaaaay beyond the next level in entertainment...even after fall'n off her horse...though i personally never got to partake in this visually stunn'n musical orgasmic spectacle...M performed 60 non stop shows to sell out crowds across 3 continents...and took in a butt load of benjamins...almost $195 mill 
my fav # was the pulse'n disco drenched  "MUSIC INFERNO"

the next tour spilled over 2 years...from 2008 into 2009 with the...
i would travel to Oprahville once again on oct 26th 2008...kidnapp'n my good friend Kathryn and devirginize'n her at her 1st ever live experience of the QUEEN (to clarify...i devirginized her eyes and ears...not her dignity...i'm sure someone else took care of that a long time ago)...M broke the records by become'n the highest gross'n tour by ANY solo'n across 4 continents...perform'n to 3.5 mill kittens...and scoope'n up a hefty total of about $408 mill
my fav # was awe inspire'n gospel "LIKE A PRAYER"

it would be 25 years before M would come back to my home state with...
and i wanted to make damn sure she wouldn't wait another 25 i immediately contacted a local non heterosexual establishment near the venue and threw the official and the biggest welcome back party the QUEEN has ever seen (though M herself may or may not have shown up)...there were plenty of queens that did that nite...from all across the country...i even met one who flew down from Toronto to attend and take part in the MADONNA DRAG RACE...we raised a good chunk of charity benjamins fer "the Matthew Shepard foundation" and everyone had an exceptional time...i would end up goin both nites...why not!...with my good friends Emily and Karen on nov 3rd...and Faedre Blue on nov 4th...M would conquer 4 continents with a total of 88 shows and collected a very impressive $305 mill
my fav # was the very presentational "VOGUE"

well my plee was heard...cuz THE QUEEN is grace'n us again with...
in support of her much anticipated release of her 13th studio album "REBEL HEART" out tomorrow in the US...feature'n the #1 smash single "LIVING FOR LOVE" 3 different releases...with 3 different amaze'n photos...depend'n on how much M you can handle
             "standard edition"      "deluxe edition"     "super deluxe edition"

with her recent appearances on French telio-vison Le Grand Journal...
and the musical eye candy ALL week on 
M is all set to mercilessly slay the competition once again...
and WILL RULE 2015!

and i...along with millions of other kittens...can't wait fer the show to begin...
so become a rebel heart and get yer tickets to what is bein' hailed as... 

and get off my dress!
ps...if M happens to read this (wait..lemme rephrase that)...when her assistant reads this to you her or yer tour merch people contact me fer freebies to give away...since i lost the emails from the MDNA tour i had cuz i fergot to back em up...i desperately really really 
R-E-A-L-L-Y wanna host yer official party once made me feel like a 14 year old gurl all over again...twirl'n around in my sister's tulle on the bedroom floor...that would be much appreciated...thanx kitten!


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