i've got a golden ticket!

it's very rare fer me to attend'n an open'n...

well...not without bein mobbed by a paps smear and accompanied by the proper spermicidal jams and jellies first...ummm wait...that's another blog

hold on to yer maxi pad kittens...cuz this week i'm hopp'n aboard the PG plane and try'n my hardest NOT to fly into hysterics by whip'n up a batch of my fav-o-rit turrets casserole...sprinkled with colorful metaphors and animalistic pleasures...but don't worry...you can use yer seat as a flotation device...should i deem it necessary to serve such a casserole to my guests

awww...i said H-A-R-D!

i received a desperate phone call late one nite a while back...from my pleasantly parental sis-n-law...practically plead'n fer my presence to see my charismatic 10 yr old nephew Ben play the lead role as Charlie Bucket in...

the revival of CHARLIE the CHOCOLATE FACTORY…

that also would include my enchant'n nieces...Jessica...

in a very "live to tell" inspired laura ashley dress as a towns person...

 and Amanda...

as one of the deliciously captivate'n over grown oompa loompa's

finally i could see someone else inside the chocolate factory fer a change...

instead of me punch'n into some Charlie's chocolate factory!

though this production would take place in some small po-dunk...but very quaint lil Newhart meets Green Acres town in Cheddar county a few short hours away...i was not about to risk my life in my death trap on wheels...

in my fav-o-rit heels...so luckily fer me...my very gracious but incredibly selfish VP...who desperately needs to join some sorta HEDWIGGERS anonymous group after catch'n ALL lead performances...on BROADWAY...WITHOUT MEEEE...(gosh darn fiddle sticker)

generously donated me his behemoth death trap with the booster rocket engine so i could make it to the performance in one piece on time

after arrive'n in helltown my hometown...i met up with my brother...his wife...my perky niece Hailey and my sports enthusiast nephew Sean...

and off we went...over the river and thru some woods...past someone's grama's house we'd go...until we reached Whitehall Memorial High

by the time we arrived...i had assumed we would be driven to the back door entrance...or at the very least i would be...bein' the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am...so i wouldn't have to be shuffled in with the unpedrigreed filth that could qualify fer handicapped park'n parade of well dressed wal-mart pageant contestants...but apparently...this venue was neither equipped...

with security nor use to red carpet scenarios...so i would have to learn how to blend in with the polyblends!

once we found our seats...i immediately logged onto the local chat room...

to see if there was ANY intelligent life out there...turns out...pick'ns were slim...so i sat back to enjoy my nite the best way i could...but just in case...i secretly stashed away breath mints from the Eva Braun collection

as the theater lights dimmed amongst the sea of oglivie home perms and mismatched poly-blends...the stage lit up just like any broadway production

that i actually set my eyes to stunned...cuz frankly...i was stunned...fer a small town production…it had a pretty amaze'n budget…the set designs were very off broadway...and the costumes could've easily been mistaken as somethin' you would've seen at New York fashion week 

(if it were bein' held at the family dollar store of course) 

i couldn't have been more elated though...when i seen my nephew stepp'n into my dimly lit spotlight walk'n on stage...that i was actually blown away...

(well…maybe that was in the restroom dur'in intermission…but that’s another blog)

the pipes on my nephew were incredible...who knew!...though he was only slightly quiet dur'in the last song of the nite…due to the monitor'n system...

(well cuz his fuck'n headset kept cutt'n out…i mean…it happened in "causing a commotion"..."where's the party"..."keep it together"...he's up there sing'n acapella and the audience kept think'n the fuck'n show was over...it didn't happen to Donna or Nikki…so i don't know why they didn't put him on their fuck'n frequency)...oh wait...that was another show...oops...i promised no turrets casserole...now where was i…oh yes…

so the 1st half of the show ended to much applause...and as i rose from my seat to take my proverbial bow...the barn doors theater doors flung open...

 fer the herd to hit the donut trough snack bar...well lemme tell ya kittens...the halftime show dur'n intermission…was a whole other ball of wax…the array of confectionery snacks made out and laid out…by i'm sure good christian bible beat'n women from the Our Lady of Rapturous Debauchery Church…was less than stellar…crusty dried out toll house and crappy chocolate chip cookies…

and the punch...HAD NO PUNCH…by that i mean…they had NO EFFEN VODKA in it…not even any bottom shelf swill...what the hell kinda production they runn'n here anyways?...you can pour money into the costumes and set designs…but yea can't pour me a simple appletini to enjoy with some crème brulee at half time?...complete false advertise'n..a snack bar...WITH NO BAR...what'da bunch of bullshit!
(hey...i held out as long as i could)

thankfully the disappoint'n intermission was remedied by the 2nd half...

of the show...with an hour left to go...i was ready to go...to the closest bar...but once the last scene was played out...the show ended with such thunderous applause...that the local tornado sirens were set off...and i couldn't have been a more pleased peacock

and now a blow by blow break-down of the nite...before i break down...

to be hip with the times...Augusta Gloop was now apparently a tranny in lederhosen…played by this roly poly pig tailed 10 year old girl…with a german accent…to absolute perfection i might add...a sheer delight to watch

the person fill'n in Willie Wonka's hat was…eh…just ok…

he didn’t evoke enough Gene Wilder fer me…

and to be quiet blunt...without bein' a cunt...i thought i deserved so much more...

to me...it felt like he was more Gene Autry…after his death! 

 the role of Violet was very presentational…

the Veruca was absurdly annoy'n…but i guess that was her shtick anyways…so kudos girl

and i don't mean to criticize harshly critique a po-dunk town production...but let's just say...i felt the Mike Teavee character was channel'n Holly Hunter...

in the Piano

though grampa Joe was believably un-believable...whoever did gramp's make-up…seriously…i wanted to pull the fire alarm...turn off all the lights...jump on stage with just my cell light and some highlighter and redo that disaster to his face...i’m not kidd'n you…it looked like some epileptic Helen Keller schizophrenic ape applied his age lines with a magicless marker 

though Jessica had no speak’n part…her part spoke volumes...TO ME

 by that i mean...i could never pull off an Laura Ashley floral print like she can...without at least a pair of 6 inch sling backs...Amanda played the oompa loompa to perfection and to mine and the audiences delight...but the stand out of the entire even'n of course goes out to my nephew Ben...who gave it his all and had a complete ball!

not sure how this all plays out with the equity scale and all…since i'm pretty sure ya don’t get paid until ya speak at least 3 lines…but with my nephew Ben pull'n in the most spotlight time and sing'n his heart out til you almost wanted to break down and weep...he better've made out like a bandit

all in all...i was so glad i got to see it...everyone did a great job...this was after all a high school production i guess...i thought it was better than CATS!

move over Idina Mendez…cuz their next stop is B-R-O-A-D-W-A-Y 

  (and before ya ask …yes I AM completely jealous with envy fer them all)

now get off my dress!