so there i am...mindlessly mind'n my own biz...in concert...off key of course...with Lynn Anderson's "i've been everywhere"...desperately try'na keep my "biz" at a stand still...while i was still still in my piece-o-shit mobile on barely there wheels at the stop light...when the damn thing decided to start'n choke'n on me like a hungry throat plunge'n milker at a frat party on prom nite...desperately try'na come up with a lil silly...but just as crucially important...words of wisdom fer the week...to put my masses on their asses...but i...much like my milky smooth perky A double snakes...was draw'n blanks
then i thought to myself…i said SELF…what haven't you talked about yet?
what's the one topic that seems to elude most water cooler conversations?
i thought about it really hard...grunt'n like a gansta...then i thought…SHIT!
the obvious one being of course…is take'n a ride on the porcelain pony...
while yer try'na make a glamorous inner mission...during the intermission of some crapola production...this breaks down into many subdivisional forms as well kitten...but...ummm...i'm gonna make an executive decision and assume that no visuals are necessary at this time
though these 4 letters can be interpreted in many other different forms…
fer instance...it can be used as an act of irritation…
"you piece of shit!…you gave me crabs"
perhaps when take'n care of some elderly incontinent parent…
"can someone else change grannies shit shorts fer a change?"
a term of endearment to a small child show'n how much you really care…
"awww…ain’t you the cutest lil’ shit!…now run along and get yer mommie a cocktail before i tattoo another wire hanger imprint on yer ass...ok kitten"
a very popular one that's used by many as a sense of entitlement…
"can someone pleez get this lil’ barfbag outta my sight?…i’m a goddamn unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of my own universe…i don’t have to put up with this shit!...do you know how many blind himalayan migrant children it took to hand stitch me this jacket?"
then of course…plenty of parents have used it during a fit of frustration…
"dammit…you lil shit…stop it now…or i’ll give ya somethin’ to whine about"
it’s also a warn'n signal for the giver when turn’n their knee into gristle…
"OOOH SHIT…OOOH SHIT…i’m comin’…I’M COOOOOOOOMIN’!"
(consult yer physician if erectile dysfunction occurs)
unfortunately...it can also be heard as a sign of depression…
fer alot of non homosexual males out there that were plann'n on play'n the fields..."aaaah shit…not again!"
one too many apple-tini’s can be a really really bad buzz kill…
"oooooh shit…get outta my waaaaay…i think i'm gonna blow chunks!"
this would be a good sign you need to start popp"n that ginkgo biloba...
"AH SHIT!…you said yer wife was in a coma...where in the sam hell did i put my panties?"
or if you feel like take'n a trip down memory lane...
"SHIT!…i can"t remember which stall i was told to tap my toes in"
when you have no control on an icy patch at 65 miles per hour…
"SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!"
or just when yer in the mood to make-out with "mary jane"…
"now that’s some good shit maaaaan!"
however you slice it…is fine with me…BUT…if you think fer a minute that
yer shit smells like a bed of roses...
and get off my dress!
call me out on it...i really don't give a shit..just wash yer hands 1st PUHLEEZ...
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