Monday, July 11, 2016

R.E.M.

what a week it's been!...with all the chaos that's been happen'n all over...
i was glad to finally get some non verbal communication from my sis-n-law say'n her and my brother Erin planned on come'n up fer a mini vaca in the south of the Minne-Apple fer some Scottish crap in burbville since they finally paid off their mortgage before they turned 50...and desperately wanted to book a cozy room at the glorious Chateau Fever...one of the many wonders of the world...basically mean'n i wonder why i'm still there after all these years...
but they said they wanted go over the blue print plans to build my 70's inspired boudoir in their garden level hideaway...once my nephews decide to fly the coup
well...i checked my books and they were in luck that day cuz i had just hadda cancellation i didn't wanna entertain at the moment...and since they were gonna be accommodate'n me in my metamucil years...i decided to go above and beyond the call of duty and upgraded them to the master suite...
with a beautiful view of my fully funktional facilities...unfortunately...i hadda let Rosario go due to her new zika diet...but hey...at least it flushes...
after i was treated to a scrumptious din din at the AMAZING THAILAND in uptown (that i highly recommend to anyone popp'n into the area anytime soon) they started to fade fast on my chaise lounge at Chateau Fever's...so they made their way to their sleep'n quarters...while i was left to my own defenses...answer'n any phone calls fer a room and still had plenty to do

so there i was...dressed in my best pressed moo moo...
just a lazy saturday nite...with nothin' better to do but get everything done i couldn't get done durin' the week...like groceries...slap the ol' pickle tickler around fer couple minutes...or rather find someone to do it fer me...
oh and don't ferget to poop...accept i skipped that step since i didn't wanna interrupt my guests who were by now either count'n sheep...or gett'n in a lil afternoon delight before midnite

instead i opted to hitch hike along the informational highway and complain to the world we've created fer ourselves known as FACEBOOK (FB)
 and turned the fan and air conditioner on high...to keep my heart...just like my cocktails...chilled...side note...to the delusionally perverted out there...remember when FB used to mean "fuck buddies"?

but where was i?...oh yea...

so i sign into FB and made thee 1st earth shatter'n post about how miserable life is cuz it's so fuck'n cold out here and i can't find nothin' to do accept check my post every 10 minutes to see how many people "liked" my post and how many had made a sympathetical comment to my plight...so i
could feel alot better about my miserable self...3 hrs or so would pass before i would finally scrape my ass of my chaise lounger and crawl into the kitchen to eat some science project that was grow'n in my frigid box...cuz well...i was too lazy to remember i told myself to get groceries the nite before

so to calm my uncontrollable urge to make another utterly and totally...
 pathetically sympathetical post...i decided i needed somethin' to wash down the science project i mistakenly swallowed and since i'm pretty sure orange juice should actually be the color of orange...i decided to grab my ice pick...throw on my parka and go on an expedition into my freezer to see if there was any thing that i could rescue...and too my surprise i found buried under a foot of freezer burn...a 1/5th bottle of pomegranate Smirnoff my friend Greta left behind when we had a camp out in my live'n room last summer
so i made myself a shitty pomegranate and stale unfizzy seltzer water cocktail...poured in some MN misery...a splash of resentfulness that i didn't win the POWERBALL...a pinch of the terribly intolerable 2's and Dr. Kevorkian's number...and i had made the perfect pick-me-up to go along with my shitty outlook on the day

after i choked down my swill...i decided to make some calls...
but the suicide hotline decided to put me on hold!

GREAT!

luckily fer me though... there's only a sheet of solid ice between me and the store and the weather was a balmy 5 degree's above frostbite...and the buses were runn'n their usual 20 minutes behind their actual posted times...otherwise i would've been a complete bitch about the current state...
 i was in!...i had 2 choices...either have a complete meltdown...which actually might have helped clear the fuck'n sidewalks of the lazy fuckers that lived next door so i didn't have to climb over the hills of HOTH...then i remembered...i didn't have the power to breath fire...and since my tauntaun wasn't insured...i could just keep on course...so i did...of course...and hopped aboard the metro transit 45 minutes later

oh joy!

once i reached my destination...everything in the past 4 hours that felt like heavy chains on my chest...were now no longer aggravate'n me as i stripped off my layers of regret and threw away my bitch blouse to feel comfortable...that is until i was hunted down by some store greeter...
"SIR...i need to see yer I.D!"

s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y...after what i just gone thru to get here...I...as thee only
unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...is bein' asked fer I.D. to shop fer some groceries?

na-uuh...she DID NOT just say that to ME!

and once again i hear her say... "SIR...i need to see yer I.D!"
ummm...no...i think what you need Bessie is a good dietitian and that trough yer use'n as a kitchen table removed away immediately...(hey...that's no cut on her appearance...just concern about her clogged arteries...i have plenty of pleasant plumpers i consider to be my closest friends)...but i didn't wanna argue...so i handed her my I.D. without any back handed comments...though i had plenty lined up!

as i walked around fill'n up my cart with anything that would calm...
the restless natives beat'n the hunger drums in the pit of my stomach...i wondered...waid'a'minute!...why did i give her my I.D.?...so i marched up to customer service to speak with the mgr on duty

out walks this hefty hideaway gal...who wasn't really hide'n anything at all...
 so i explained to her why was it i needed to give my I.D. to the bloated stegosaurus with the bad bi-leveled oglivie home perm greet'n people at the front door...and she calmly said in her best Bea Arthur voice that she shouldn't have
i'm think'n ok...this deep fried trough tail gator spotted me as thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe and just wanted proof to post on her FB page...i get it!
(it's so hard to be me sometimes!)

ummm...i don't think so...the gloves of reason'n were off

the manager got on the loud speaker and said politely...
"Martha please come to the customer service desk"

yer kidd'n...as in Martha Dumptruck?...i was think'n of a merried of other names...but Martha worked fine!

after Mrs. Dumptruck explained in that typical phoney corporate response as to why she took my I.D. to her manager...she had pulled it out from her tent pockets and handed it over to Bea

Bea looked at it once...looked at me...then held the I.D. closer to her face and looked closer at my face...all of a sudden they both started smirk'n til they broke out in complete laughter point'n their claws at me...HUH?
ARE YOU FUCK'N KIDD'N ME WITH THIS?

well i usually hold back my mouth dam...but i'll be damned at this point...
i was gonna let em have it with both barrels...so i grabbed the loud speaker and said..."shoppers...today's blue light special is in customer service...but they ain't so blue...and they most DEFINITELY ain't so light...
but they sure are purdy special...so you'll have to read to 'em r-e-a-l slow...
come gaze at these 2 backward barn yard Miss Piggy mutha fuckers...but please refrain from gett'n too close to them as they hadn't had their feed'n yet today...and you might just become their main course"

i grabbed my I.D. and ran out the door into the freeze'n cold once again...
without any mouth water'n morsels to fill my fuck'n gut...though i wanted to gut anyone that crossed me now cuz my mouth was as dry as the Tatooine desert and my breath was seethe'n like a rage'n bi-polar monkey slut in sunday school 

then i woke up...

WTF...it was all just a dream?....eh!...time to make some breakfast...
as i opened the fridge...i noticed nothin' but some strawberries wrapped in last season's faux fur

OK!...this shit ain't happen'n...just get off my dress!

1 comment:

  1. New Diet Taps into Revolutionary Plan to Help Dieters LOSE 23 Pounds within Only 21 Days!

    ReplyDelete