Monday, May 22, 2017

rotten tomatoes

sometimes...when hollyweird folk decide to give new breath to classic movies fer the next generation...whether it's cuz technology wasn't there at the time or cuz they were forced to overdose on ritalin as a small child...
it's warranted...case in point is one of my all time fav freak fests from the 70's i seen as a small...but very important...pre pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASCARA...at the time it shocked the shit outta me and made me drop a meatloaf surprise in my garanimals...i thought to myself...i said self  "damn girrrl...layer on those layers for yer own protection"
by 2003...thee original seemed more like kiddie play...compared to when i took myself to see the twisted remake by Rob Zombie in a small theater fer the 10pm show'n out in the burbs (which...in itself...was fuck'n scary enough fer me)...with only 2 others in attendance that nite...sitt'n directly behind me...by the time it had ended...i hadda take that long ass walk...ALONE...under the midnite sky...to my car at the very far end of the park'n lot (cuz i was a moron that nite)...i literally hadda check the back seat of my car to make sure i was in their alone....S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y!
BUTT...and yes there is always gonna be one kittens...
there are those flicks that should never be tampered with at all...for instance like the 1981 mythological masterpiece CLASH OF THE TITANS
sure it was jam packed full of bad edit'n and trumped up technology...but at the time...it was absolute awesomeness at it's finest and forced all us hot wheels hoodlums and strawberry shortcake sniffers who hopped on our huffy bikes and peddled our A double snakes as fast as we could to the 50 cent show'n at our local small town theater on a saturday afternoon...to believe...
that there really were snaky bitches and blind-sided witches out there...unfortunately...that we would have to contend with someday
but when they released a remake back in 2010...i barely made it past the 1st 15 minutes of misery with all it's technological vomitus over blown imagery...that i walked out and asked fer my benajamins back so i could find some discount dick at the nearest dime-store
when freaks finally felt that they to could feel loved after they fell in love with Johnny Depp as the freak with hands made outta kitchen cutlery...it was a magical delight fer all those pre-emo's...and pre-cummers
unfortunately...after the last 120 days (and count'n) who in their right state of mind (besides those brain dead beauty contestants & aerosol huffers from Wal-Mart...and sadly to report...some are actually members of my own fam/friend circle) would waste their hard earned stripper money to see this retell'n of a classic about some bloated cheeto puff who cuts his staff in half and can't count to 10 before he tweets his tantrums delusions of grandeur out about how he's been treated by the "fake news" or late nite comedians
action flicks with dicks were always a crowd pleaser and a teaser fer any tenderly supple teenage terror like myself...especially when the sequel makes plausible sense
however...i...along with 64% (and count'n thankfully) xeno/homophobes...who care about healthcare/medicare and the over all good of the nation...aren't sold on the idea of some Twitter bitch's intent on blow'n up his "facts" to make them seem "bigger" than he real is...along with our democracy and his waistline...even if his core audience still is gorge'n on his his bullshit after all this time...(makes ya cold cock em with a left hook...but you dare not...cuz you know they'd splatter)
it was tough enough to make it thru this chickless flick...for chicks...about 3 grown future hair plug recipients & prozac pimps try'na take care of a puke bucket with bladder control issues...all while juggle'n their careers and their cocks
seriously though...do they really need to waste a big budget on this treacherous trio try'n to control their over bear'n out of control glutton with the button who has the mind of a loud mouthed manipulative schizophrenic? 
this oscar winn'n story between 2 closeted cock wrangle'n sheep herders and their unbridled and very much unspoken man-love fer one another was as breath take'n as the scenery in itself...that tugged at every emotional string one might have...that is...unless yer plugged into a defibrillator to keep yer heart a pump'n

so stop yer porn and pop yer corn...this ones gonna be good...oh yea...and get off my dress!

1 comment:

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